by Drew Dyck
We eat too much, knowing it will cause health problems down the road.
We indulge in sinful behaviors fully aware that doing so will damage our relationship with God and with others.
Somehow we lose sight of the bigger picture and grasp for the immediate pleasure. We eat the marshmallow. We trade for the soup. We take the easy way out. Self-control sounds like a lovely idea, but it’s something we’ll get to tomorrow. Augustine’s prayer could be our own: “Grant me chastity and self-control, but please not yet.”3
WHAT’S AT STAKE?
As I’m writing this chapter, the news is crammed with instances of high-profile moral failings. It seems every day brings new revelations of a Hollywood executive or politician accused of sexual assault or harassment. If the allegations are true—and most of them sure seem to be—it’s hard to imagine what these people were thinking. Not only did their actions degrade and traumatize other people, they boomeranged back on them and destroyed their reputations and careers.
It’s easy to dismiss these issues as secular problems. Many Christians experienced an acute sense of schadenfreude as we watched “godless” Hollywood consumed by the scandals. But sadly, the church has been home to similar behavior. For years, I edited a prominent ministry magazine, which brought me into close contact with many of the top church leaders in the country. I remember one up-and-coming leader I got to know. Charismatic and talented, he led a megachurch, headlined conferences around the country, and wrote bestselling books—and then lost it all when he was caught having extramarital affairs. I wish I could say his story was anomalous, but I lost count of how many leaders and friends torpedoed their ministries by succumbing to lust or greed.
In the midst of the scandals unfolding in 2017, theologian Owen Strachan took to social media to share this leadership lesson with his followers:
Now more than ever, one moment can destroy—in one day—your life’s work. The essential virtue: self-control. You can have all the talent in the world, and draw a ton of attention for it, but if your ability is not matched by strong character, you are in a precarious place.4
As Strachan observed, a lack of self-control has dire consequences. And it’s not just politicians and pastors who need to heed his warning. For all of us, even a momentary break in willpower can cause irreversible damage. Yet preventing these kinds of dramatic failings is just one function of self-control. It also plays a central role in the thousands of small decisions we face every day.
Social scientists define self-control as the ability to resist negative impulses. But when the Bible mentions self-control, it usually has something bigger in mind. Yes, it involves the ability to resist doing something you shouldn’t. But it also has a proactive element. It refers to the ability to do something you should. In theological terms, it’s about guarding against sins of commission (bad things you do) and sins of omission (good things you fail to do). It also involves resisting the entire range of unwelcome impulses: from the instinct to eat that second piece of chocolate cake to the temptation to look at pornography.
When you think of self-control in these terms, you see how it impacts every facet of life. Just think of an average day. It starts before you even open your eyes. Your alarm goes off and you’re faced with a decision. Grab some extra sleep or use the extra minutes doing something useful. Sometimes it’s fine to grab the extra Zs (you probably need them). But usually you’re better off using those precious before-the-craziness-of-the-day moments to spend some time with God or get some exercise. So do you linger in bed or do something productive? Depends on self-control.
Next comes breakfast. Do you grab a donut and coffee on the way out the door? Or opt for a healthier option, which, in addition to not tasting as good, likely takes more time to prepare? Again, self-control.
On the way to work, you get cut off. Then you hit gridlock traffic. Another decision: lose your cool and cuss, or take a deep breath and let the incident roll off your back? More self-control.
At work you face a jungle of dilemmas. Do you spend the first hour at your desk surfing the web? Or dive straight in and make some progress on that important report? When people start gossiping about that annoying coworker, do you join in or defend him? When you notice that someone seems discouraged, do you risk a little awkwardness by walking into their office and showing concern? Or do you just ignore it and stick to your routine? Do you gripe about the boss? Do you look a little too long at that attractive coworker?
It’s all self-control.
When you return home, the challenges continue. And now you’re tired, making self-control even harder. Do you just melt into the couch and let the cable TV wash over you? Or do you spend some quality time with your kids? Do you eat too much at dinner? Or drink too much after it? Do you spend the meal staring at your phone or conversing with your family? After the kids go to bed, do you watch Netflix or take the opportunity to spend some meaningful time with your spouse and deepen your marriage?
It’s not just 9–5 workers who face such choices. They come at every stage of life. If you’re a stay-at-home parent, do you park the kids in front of the TV? Or do you lead them in constructive activities that demand more of your attention? Do you routinely feed your children sugary snacks or push nutritional meals (even when they act like you’re torturing them)? If you’re a retiree, do you live for your personal hobbies or pour into members of the next generation? If you’re a college student, do you start on that essay early in the semester or cram the day before it’s due? Do you Snapchat with friends during class or listen to the lectures?
There are times where it’s perfectly okay to just veg out. We need down time. But too often we choose the easier, and sometimes sinful, option rather than doing things that would ultimately enrich our lives, help others, and foster growth. And typically, the difference doesn’t amount to ignorance of what choice is better; it’s usually a matter of self-control.
It’s easy to imagine your life’s outcome as the product of a few big decisions. We envision a lone hero showing extraordinary courage at a climactic moment. Or a tragic figure losing control at a critical juncture. That might be how things work in the movies.
In reality, our destinies are determined in a more mundane manner. As the writer Annie Dillard reminds us, “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”5 While we may be tested in dramatic moments, the fabric of life is stitched slowly, through a thousand tiny choices that end up defining our lives. The difference of those accumulated decisions is dramatic. They can add up to a life crippled by sloth and sin or to one characterized by freedom and flourishing.
THE GYMNAST CONFRONTS HER ABUSER
Among all the public sex scandals in recent years, none was more disturbing than the case involving Larry Nasser, the former Team USA gymnastics doctor who was accused of molesting 250 young women. The first to draw attention to Nasser’s sexual abuse was Rachael Denhollander, a former gymnast the doctor abused. At Nasser’s sentencing, Denhollander addressed him for forty minutes. Drawing from her Christian faith, she spoke of God’s judgment and mercy.
“The Bible you speak carries a final judgment where all of God’s wrath and eternal terror is poured out on men like you. Should you ever reach the point of truly facing what you have done, the guilt will be crushing. And that is what makes the gospel of Christ so sweet. Because it extends grace and hope and mercy where none should be found. And it will be there for you.”6
In her address, Denhollander also confronted Nasser about his selfishness and lack of self-control.
“You have become a man ruled by selfish and perverted desires, a man defined by his daily choices repeatedly to feed that selfishness and perversion. You chose to pursue your wickedness no matter what it cost others and the opposite of what you have done is for me to choose to love sacrificially, no matter what it costs me.”7
TERMS OF SURRENDER
Okay, so self-control is important. But what exactly is it?
As we’ve seen,
the ability to delay gratification is crucial. But there’s more to self-control than postponing pleasure. In some situations we’re not sure if doing the right thing will result in a bigger reward down the road. Yet exercising self-control demands doing the right thing anyway. For a more comprehensive understanding of this essential character trait we must look to Scripture.
The New Testament uses four words that we translate as self-control. Each highlights a different aspect of the virtue. If you’ll indulge me, I’m going to dust off my seminary Greek and take a brief look at each one. (I promise to keep it short and sweet.)
Nḗphō literally means “to be sober, to abstain from wine.” It is also used figuratively, to speak of being free from the intoxicating effects of sin. Nḗphō is used in passages that warn against being duped by false teachers (2 Tim. 4:5) and becoming prey for the devil’s attacks (1 Peter 5:8). It stresses the need for clear-eyed vigilance. Nḗphō describes a crucial precondition to resisting temptation. We need clear vision to spot sin and avoid it.
Chalinagógeó (don’t you love these Greek words?!) means “to bridle or restrain.” The word invokes the image of a horse controlled and directed by a mouth bit. James uses the word to describe the formidable task of taming the tongue (James 1:26) and controlling the body (3:2). Like a large animal, our sinful desires are powerful. Self-control demands we direct and restrain them.
Sṓphrōn describes someone with a “sound mind” who is “balanced.” According to Scripture, it is especially important for elderly men and church leaders to possess this key attribute (1 Tim. 3:2; Titus 2:2). Though sṓphrōn denotes moderation, it doesn’t speak of a safe, middle-of-the-road mentality. Rather it portrays a mindset that is righteous and therefore temperate. The person who has this quality is not prone to erratic, impulsive behavior.
Egkráteia translates as “self-mastery” or literally “dominion within.” The most familiar usage of this word comes in Galatians 5, where Paul lists egkráteia alongside the other fruit of the Spirit. People who exhibit this quality are not mastered by their passions. They have internal control.
You can probably see how these Greek words relate to our understanding of self-control—and how they expand on it. The biblical concept of self-control goes far beyond the mere ability to hold out for future rewards. These concepts describe mentalities and habits and character traits. Someone who embodies these virtues is sober and restrained, balanced and mastered.
When I look at that list, I’m both impressed and intimidated. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t use those words to describe myself. Not all the time, anyway. Don’t get me wrong. I want to cultivate those attributes (that’s why I’ve tackled this project after all), but doing so is a daunting prospect. It requires more than curbing a bad habit or two; it demands growth in multiple core areas. And growth is painful.
But here’s the good news. When it comes to developing self-control, we’re not expected to go at it alone. Thank God for that! As we walk closely with Him, He promises to guide and empower us. We tend to think of self-control as an independent virtue. After all, we’re talking about self-control. Isn’t it primarily about us? I would argue, no. As we’ll discuss later, there is certainly a role for human effort. But there’s a giant paradox at the heart of this issue. What self-control requires, ultimately, isn’t control but surrender.
Above I defined egkráteia as “self-mastery.” If any virtue would be dependent on me, it seems like this would be it. “Self-mastery” makes me think of someone with ninja-level discipline, completely self-sufficient. Yet Scripture is clear that this self-mastery isn’t an attribute that can be developed apart from God. Remember, Paul calls it a “fruit of the Spirit.” He’s invoking a metaphor. Just like a tree must be nourished by the soil to produce fruit, so we must be connected to God in order to see this virtue flourish in our lives. As a result, egkráteia, as one commentator states, “can only be accomplished by the power of the Lord.”8 There’s a similar dynamic with sṓphrōn. As another commentator puts it, the word describes someone “who does not command himself, but rather is commanded by God.”9 Ultimately, mastering yourself is only accomplished by being mastered by God.
Self-control implies a struggle. We’re conflicted creatures, beset by sinful desires and selfish impulses. Part of us wants to do the right thing. Another part wants to do what’s easy or most pleasurable. Stanford psychologist Kelly McGonigal provides a definition of self-control that gets to the heart of this reality. She defines self-control as “the ability to do what you need to do, even if part of you doesn’t want to.”10 My definition is even shorter. Self-control is the ability to do the right thing, even when you don’t feel like it.
Sounds simple enough. But for Christians, there’s a catch. We believe that “the right thing” to do has been determined by God. He knows what’s best for us. He’s shown us what’s right and wrong through His Word, and He speaks to us through the quiet witness of our conscience. Self-control, then, is about listening and obeying. It’s not self-determined. It means submitting every decision we make to God. It’s about surrendering. When we do this consistently, it’s called self-control.
I realize this sounds hard. Delaying gratification, doing what’s right, surrendering your will. It might seem like teeth-gritting, white-knuckling stuff. But it isn’t. As we’ll discover, though building self-control requires effort, it gets easier as you go. Eventually, it can feel like gliding. In a beautiful twist of biblical irony, submission leads to victory. Surrender produces freedom. As you are liberated from the tyranny of self, you’re able to experience God’s best for your life.
Next we’re going to consider the role that purpose plays in developing self-control. Then we’re going to look at the obstacles we face in developing this key virtue. It’s going to get a little dark, but stick with me. There’s a lot at stake. Your future self will thank you.
Self-Control Training: Entry #1—The Mission
I WARNED YOU IN THE INTRODUCTION that this book was more than a theoretical exploration of the topic. In addition to investigating the spirituality and science of self-control, I said I was going to test out the ideas I encountered in my own life. And that’s precisely what I plan to do.
But before I can jump into discussing specific strategies for improving my self-control, I need to understand what I’m up against. That will mean reckoning with my fallen nature and understanding how willpower works, which I’ll do in the subsequent chapters. And before I can apply the wisdom of Scripture and the findings from social science, I feel like I need to identify the areas in my life where I need to grow.
How can I identify those areas of weakness? I suppose I could try to take a hard look at my life and be brutally honest with myself. The problem is that self-assessment is notoriously unreliable. Have you ever lamented a personal shortcoming only to have someone look at you with confusion and say, “Actually, I think you’re really strong in that area”? Try as we might, we don’t always see ourselves clearly. An outsider perspective does wonders for alerting us to our faults.
So I decided I needed some outside help. But from whom? It would have to be someone who knew me well and cared about me, who was kind. I also needed someone tough. This job required a person who would be honest enough to cut through my nonsense and talk to me straight about my battle with self-control. Hmm …
“Honey, can you help me out with something?”
Chapter 2
Sorry, Self-Control Isn’t about You
How the Right Purpose Guides and Fuels Self-Control
He who has a “why” to live for can bear almost any “how.”
—FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE
I keep circling back to a problem. In the introduction I mentioned how I felt frustrated, stuck. I expected to make more progress in my life, but I wasn’t seeing it. Eventually I came to the realization that improving my self-control was the key to making headway. But here’s the rub. I know that Christianity isn’t a success course. It’s
not a self-improvement program. In fact, it’s not really about me. Not primarily anyway. The end goal for a Christian isn’t to become such an impressive, successful person that you can stand atop a mountain of accomplishments and declare, “Look at me!”
Let’s say that I could harness the discipline necessary to become successful and rich and get in perfect shape. I know I’d be impressed, so impressed I’d injure my shoulder patting myself on the back. Maybe you’d be impressed, too. But would God? Not likely.
In fact, all throughout Scripture, God seems to make a point of using nobodies to accomplish His purposes. After all, it wasn’t the elite who hung out with Jesus; it was the prostitutes and tax collectors. God seems to take pleasure in subverting the hierarchies of the world. In God’s economy, servants are the leaders, the meek inherit the earth, the poor are blessed, enemies are loved, the humble are exalted, the foolish things shame the wise, those who seek their lives lose them, and those who finish last hoist the first place trophy. You get the picture. In this upside-down kingdom, what role does self-control play? Ultimately, what is it for?
DRIVEN—AND DERAILED
There’s something even scarier to me than an absence of self-control: developing self-control for the wrong reasons. I’d hate to acquire the discipline required to reach my goals only to realize too late that I’d chosen the wrong ones or pursued them for the wrong reasons. As the monk Thomas Merton wrote, “People may spend their whole lives climbing the ladder of success only to find, once they reach the top, that the ladder is leaning against the wrong wall.” That’s why, in addition to discussing how to develop self-control, we must determine why. Before you start scaling the ladder, you have to find the right wall. And the right wall is not ourselves. Enough people have leaned their ladder against that flimsy façade, scaled to the top, and came crashing down hard.