We Will Change Our Stars

by Nicole Thorn

  Jasper shook his head and went back to eating, ignoring the insanity of his siblings. Kizzy carefully didn’t add her two cents. If Jasper suggested he wanted a weapon, she would probably kill him right there. She hated it when he ran into danger.

  “No dagger,” I said to Jasmine as I rose from my seat, gathering my dishes. I put them in the sink and then started in on the clean up so that Juniper wouldn’t get all twitchy.

  Everyone finished, then did their parts to help me, and Juniper lingered in the kitchen afterward, making sure all the dishes had been put in the right place. I did it with her because I had all her patterns memorized by now. So much work, I’d seen her put it all away enough. We worked as a silent team, getting the kitchen as spotless as it had been when I walked in that morning. It took so damn long, but I thought it worthwhile to see the stress fade from her face, and to see her shoulders ease. Messes literally gave Juniper anxiety, even she cleaned.

  Kizzy and Jasper came back through the kitchen once Kizzy showered and dressed for the day. She picked out some overalls and a sweater that belonged to Jasper. The overalls gave away that she would go work on her plants. Since it was winter, it took a lot more work to keep them alive. Jasper liked to sit out there with her while she did it, keeping her company.

  I watched them walk out the door as I dried a plate, and my mind slipped away into a daydream. In it, it was just me and Jasmine. We didn’t do anything all that important. Just stayed outside on a sunny day, running around in the grass. I thought we played a game or something. I chased her, nothing more. It felt easy there, in my head, like when we first met. Like with Jasper and my sister. No words, just company. So many times, I saw Jasper and Kizzy hanging out, and they wouldn’t say a word. Not one. They gave each other glances and smiles, and those words said a million more things than a voice could carry. I wanted that. I was jealous of them for finding it. I wanted simple and clean with Jasmine. The only girl I’d ever wanted to keep forever. I wanted to be able to not say a word to Jasmine, but she could still know everything running through my head.

  “You’re going to wear the gloss off,” Juniper said, ripping me out of my head. I blinked, and she took the plate out of my hands. She walked to the cubby to put it away.

  I gripped the edges of the counter, leaning, and glancing out the window to catch something. Kizzy didn’t pay attention to Jasper, but his eyes wouldn’t look anywhere but at her. His eyes stayed so focused, like looking away would have hurt him. The looking that had my chest hurting. It was how he did it, and what I saw in his eyes. I saw hope, and love, and eternity. Even with the limited number of years that they would have. The bad things didn’t look like they touched him. Not when Jasper looked at her.

  “Zander?” Juniper said. “Are you okay?”

  I quickly turned my gaze to her. “Do you ever get jealous of that?”

  Her forehead crinkled. “Of what?”

  I nodded to the back door.

  She looked, and saw her brother and my sister. “Of Jasper and Kizzy?”

  “Yeah.”

  She smiled. “Why would I be jealous of Jasper and Kizzy?”

  I somehow laughed as I tossed my dishcloth onto the counter. “Why wouldn’t you be? I am. They’re all fucked up, just like the rest of us, but they somehow know what they’re doing. They’re happy, Juniper. Like . . . actually happy. So happy that they don’t feel as messed up as they are. They get to wake up with someone, and when they’re hurting, they have a person to help them through it. Someone who understands and knows how to soothe them. They’re . . . almost normal. They have a chance at life.”

  I watched Juniper take in all of my words, and her eyes widened just slightly before she looked out the window. The scene had changed, and Kizzy giggled at something. Jasper had dirt on his cheek, and she had it on her fingers. In a split second, he started chasing her around the backyard. She happily screamed when he caught her. She could have gotten away with ease, but she let him hold her while they played. Then she tricked him into looking in another direction and she broke free, running again only to be chased.

  “Oh,” fell out of Juniper’s mouth. “I guess that’s a good reason to be a little jealous.”

  I couldn’t watch the backyard anymore. The image started to hurt, so I looked at Juniper, who wouldn’t stop watching them. “I just want to be happy . . . ”

  Her fingertips touched as she started tapping them together, staring out of the window with something sad. I could feel the stirring in her soul, letting me know what she felt. But it was private, so I shut it out the best I could.

  I left Juniper to stare out the window.

  I found myself alone in my bedroom, pacing while I stared at the floor. My head felt like muddy water, and I couldn’t wade through it all. Everything turned into a mess, but I could feel something trying to poke through the surface.

  I said it to Juniper. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to know what it felt like to be unburdened and not scared of anything. To be able to live without someone needing me, and me satisfying that need. I wanted to be worth more than the people around me. But I think I went wrong there. You were only worth the people that loved you. Nothing else mattered.

  So, I needed to make a list of what I feared. Jasmine’s killing herself. She took care of that, and I had nothing to do with it. She sobered up because she wanted that for herself. She wanted to make her life worth something, and she wanted to be better. Second, I was scared because I didn’t want to do what I always did, and depend on another person. Such a vicious circle of me craving others to need me, and me needing others. Kizzy had been my rock, but she was immortal. If I really needed it, I would never be without her. Jasmine was finite and fragile. One day, I wouldn’t have her anymore. Even if I didn’t lean on her to keep my leash tight, I would still get crushed when that day came. But even if I never got together with her, that day would destroy me. I couldn’t avoid it at this point, so it shouldn’t have been on the list.

  The only reason we still hadn’t gotten together was because I feared . . . myself. Lethal, violent, selfish. Jasmine knew all of this, and she loved me anyway. She loved me. She wanted to be with me, knowing who I was and what I could do and what I’d done. Jasmine saw my inner workings as they tinkered, and it didn’t scare her off.

  We had both been damaged beyond ever getting much more than putty over the cracks, but so what? Our pasts were a mess, and our future seemed completely unknown, even with her visions. But those visions meant nothing, because we could do whatever we wanted with the years to come. We could wallow in the pain of our past, or we could try and make a better future for ourselves, taking back what we lost.

  So why I still standing here?

  I rushed to my door and I got as far as turning the knob before I stopped. Jasmine just barely decided to get sober, and we were in the middle of a mess with Arachne. Now would’ve been a crappy time to go declare my love for Jasmine.

  Dammit.

  I walked back to my bed, pouting while I sat down. I had to wait for a better time for this. Like once the bitch had been taken care of and we were safe again. That way, we could enjoy each other without Spiderwoman on our asses.

  Someone knocked on my door and made me gasp like a little girl, but I quickly got back my cool enough to invite the person in. I knew it wouldn’t be Jasmine, because she knocked a lot more delicately, and she liked to knock in different places on the door, at least four at a time. Oh fuck . . . how did I know her knock? I’m a real creep . . .

  To my genuine surprise, Jasper came into my bedroom. His face had been cleaned of dirt, but he had that telltale smile that he got from Kizzy time. I always knew my sister was an utter delight, but I felt glad that someone else understood it too.

  “Jasper,” I said standing up. “Can’t say I know why you’re here.”

  He smiled again and shut the door. “Yeah, I was thinking that as I was walking up, but I figured we needed to have a talk.”

  “You wanna sit do
wn?”

  He looked at the bed and then declined. “Let’s not make this more awkward. I just wanted to talk to you about Jasmine.”

  Obviously. My hands slipped into my pockets, and I sighed. “And?”

  He cocked his head a bit. “Well I know you two have a thing, and just wanted to inform you that if you hurt her, I will murder you with my bare hands, no matter who your mother is.”

  Holy fuck.

  I didn’t laugh at him, because I really did respect what his intentions. I didn’t give him the big brother talk, because I knew he wouldn’t hurt Kizzy, and it would go without saying that I would’ve been willing to kill him if it came down to it. I on the other hand, could snap at any minute with a bout of something crazy. Maybe thinking that leaving her would save her, or something like that. So, I got the talk.

  I raised my hands in front of me. “I swear to you, I’m not going to do a thing to hurt Jasmine. I don’t intend on leaving her, or treating her badly. I love her, and I’m going to take care of her for the rest of her life. You don’t have to worry about me, Jasper.”

  He looked doubtful. “You’ve been doing a hell of a job lately, making her cry or pissing her off in general.”

  “I know, but that’s over now. As soon as we have Arachne taken care of, I’m going to tell Jasmine how I feel about her, and I’m going to start being a boyfriend that she actually deserves.”

  Jasper gave me a funny look. “You’re waiting? Why are you waiting when you could go make her day right now, and make me consider locking her in her bedroom with demigod proof spray on the door?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Buddy, I let go the fact that you do who knows what to my sister on the regular. Maybe cut me a break.”

  He shrugged. “I guess we just have to live with us dating each other’s sisters. As long as you take care of Jasmine, I don’t see a problem.”

  “Same as you with Kizzy.”

  He nodded. “I’ve never made Kezia cry on a daily basis, so . . . ”

  “Bite me, Romeo,” I said. “This is complicated. I’m going to fix it all really soon, so don’t you worry.”

  Jasper started walking to the door, but he looked over his shoulder at me, smirking. “Good luck with the waiting thing. I’m sure Jasmine would appreciate the effort. Too bad she’s not the waiting kind.”

  I smiled back. “We’ll see.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE:

  Oh, Hell No

  Jasmine

  This no drinking thing was harder than I had been hoping it’d be. So, now I shared a bag of Cheetos and sorrow with Nemo. He swam around happily, not caring that he wasn’t a beta, or that his mama wasn’t getting any. Stupid fish that wasn’t a fish. The least he could do was look sad for me.

  He swam to the top of the tank, and floated there for a couple of minutes, waiting. I finally gave him another chip, and he dove with it securely in his mouth. I felt sure I knew what Nemo was, but I wanted him to grow up a little more before I told everyone else. No need to panic the natives because the fish could spit fire and grow a second head when he lost the first.

  Oh, my life is weird.

  I closed the top of the tank when the chips had all gone, careful not to get Cheeto dust on it, because I didn’t want Juniper to freak out on me. I then took the bag into the kitchen, and dumped it. I saw all the empty cans and bottles in the trash, and suddenly felt depressed. All of it gone . . . I could probably get more, if I wanted to—

  Nope, not thinking like that. I slammed the lid down, and crossed my arms over my chest. Not thinking like that. I walked away from the trash can because it felt too tempting. Even that thought made me sad. Shaking myself, I went up the stairs, into my room. It almost felt weird, being in there when I had been spending so much time with Zander.

  It also felt weird because Juniper had cleaned up. That shouldn’t have surprised me, since my room normally looked like a disaster area, and she couldn’t handle coming in here, but had to in order to get all my stashes. Hey, I could see my carpet. Has it always been that color? Odd.

  I flopped down on my bed, and stared at Lorenzo. He was still frozen in the position he had died in, and that bummed me out. I held out hope that we could reverse it one day, but first we had to stop the gorgons from trying to kill us. I popped my chin in my hand, and said, “Lorenzo, what do you think? Should I back off from Zander? No? I happen to agree.”

  The cat did not answer.

  I started going through my things, seeing what Juniper had moved, and what she hadn’t. I had gotten most of the way through the clothes in my dresser, putting them back neatly, when I realized what I really did. Looked for a bottle that she might have missed. I stopped, my hand resting on the drawer, horrified at myself.

  I slammed the drawer closed, maybe a little harder than necessary, judging how the wood cracked. Flopping onto my stomach again, I put my face into the comforter, and just breathed. I reminded myself that I could do this, because this was something that tons of people did, and they hadn’t been any better off than me. If I repeated it enough, then maybe I’d eventually believe it.

  “This is what being fucked looks like, Lorenzo,” I said. “And not the fun kind of being fucked either, but the really sad kind, where you have nothing to do and nowhere to go, so you just lay around like a complete waste. You should know. You were a cat in life, it’s all you did.”

  Unsurprisingly, he did not answer. Stupid cat.

  There was a knock on my door. “Come in!” I shouted, relieved. I found myself with nothing to do, and it started to get on my nerves. I started to get on my nerves, and that was never a good thing.

  My brother stepped into the room. He looked at me concernedly for a second. “You doing okay?” He asked, closing the door behind him. He seemed to take up a lot of space, and it felt weird for me, since my brother always seemed to blend into the background before.

  I sat up, and crossed my legs, thinking about his question. “I’m okay,” I said. “Been worse, been better. Thinking seriously about investing in a new hobby to occupy my mind. What sounds better to you, building bird houses, or knitting?” I looked up at him, and grinned.

  He smiled back. “Neither. The yarn would drive Juniper up the wall, and if you built birdhouses, you’d probably need to work in the garage. I’d rather keep the garage to me and Kezia, if you don’t mind.”

  I grimaced at the thought of what they did down there. Gross. This must’ve been how he felt whenever I mentioned how attractive a man looked. Or stared at one. Or stood in the same room as Zander. It was a miracle that more brothers didn’t go on homicidal rampages, now that I really thought about it.

  “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea. Ooh, I could make ice cream. That sounds like fun. I could fill the freezer with different ice creams. Or, I could take up balloon animals. I’ll make an army, and name each one, then cry my eyes out when the army dies with several loud pops. How does that sound?”

  He smirked at me, and shook his head. “I think you’ll be too busy to take care of the balloon animals, unfortunately. And know that I will never be okay with any of this, but I’ll learn to fake it.”

  I wrinkled my nose at him. “What are you talking about?” I asked. “I’ve got nothing to do, unless I want a day job, and boo on that. No day jobs for Jazzy Nelson, though that’s a great name. Maybe I should take up the saxophone. Do you think Juniper would kill me?”

  “Yes, I do,” Jasper said. “And Kezia would. Me too. Zander probably would think you were being adorable.”

  I frowned at the mention of his name. “He probably would, but he’s stubborn, and refuses to be wooed properly.”

  Jasper smiled, and said, “I just came from talking to him, Jazz. He’s a very stupid man sometimes, but that doesn’t mean he won’t ever learn.” When I just stared at him blankly, Jasper said, “He wants to be with you, and is done denying himself, except he doesn’t think right now is a good time. He wants to wait until things calm down.”

  Oh. Hell. No. />
  My eyes narrowed. “Why were you talking to Zander about me, first of all. Second of all, why tell me this. Third of all, why are men so stupid? They are lovely to look at, but they are so, so stupid.”

  Jasper ticked the answers off on his fingers. “I was making sure that he wasn’t going to hurt you. I’m telling you because I feel like he needs to stop making decisions for you. And men aren’t stupid. Zander is stupid.”

  “Because he’s a man,” I said. “Men are stupid, Jasper.”

  He shrugged. “Okay.”

  That’s right, okay. Shaking my head, I hopped off the bed. “Well, now I have to go yell at him, and try to keep him from hurting you for telling me. I certainly hope that you’re prepared for the fallout of this, Jasp.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “My girlfriend once wrapped my ex in vines because she was irritated with the woman. I think that I’m fine.”

  When put like that . . .

  Jasper left to find said girlfriend, while I started getting amped up. First, Zander wanted to be with me. Zander. Wanted to be. With me. That made all sorts of happy, fluttering feelings go through my chest. But he wanted to wait because he liked denying himself real joy, and I had to make sure that he understood this was not acceptable behavior. So, stop with the happy, and start with the angry.

  Easier said than done. I shook off the triumphant expression, and made myself look serious in the mirror. I could do this. I could be tough and rough, on Zander. Oh, that made some images pop into my head. Mmm. Images. Just everywhere. Ah, stop now.

  I left my room, and skipped over to Zander’s. I thought about knocking, but decided that I needed him off guard, so I barged right in instead. He wasn’t doing anything but lying on his bed like a lump. He started sitting up, but I already moved. I leaped into the air, and landed on him, straddling him.

  He made a pained sound that I chose to ignore. He let himself get hit by a car. He could handle one girl leaping onto him. I pinned his shoulders to the bed, knowing that he let me, and glared. “You’ve got some explaining to do,” I said, keeping my serious face on, because it seemed vital.