by Lund, S. E.
"You were ill after you returned from Africa."
She nodded, and I could tell she didn’t want to talk about it by the way she avoided my eyes.
"Tell me."
She shook her head, forcing a smile I knew she didn't feel because it didn’t reach her eyes, which remained haunted. "I didn't cry when she died," she said. "I felt nothing. It was like everything just shut off and I couldn't feel anything. My doctor said everyone grieves differently, but how could I not cry? I just went through the motions, day in and day out."
I squeezed her hand, trying to imagine a Kate who had shut down completely, turning off her emotions so she didn’t have to feel anything at all.
"Then you went to Africa?"
She took a sip of wine as if trying to give herself courage. "Yes, I tried to keep busy. I think I was in denial. So I went to Africa even though I probably shouldn’t have. I didn't cry until Mangaize. Then it was like I couldn't stop." She turned to me. "Why could I cry for complete strangers and not my mother?"
"You were crying for yourself."
That was it. She saw herself in those who were dying, who had lost children or parents, sisters or brothers.
She nodded and a look of recognition came over her face. "I was,” she said, frowning. “I didn't think I deserved to feel sorry for myself. But those people in the camps? They deserved it."
We sat in silence for a while and I could feel the mood shift from happy drunk to sad and sober. "Sorry to be such a downer."
I shook my head quickly. "No," I said and smiled softly. "Don't be. I asked. Never apologize for your emotions."
She sighed and snuggled into my arms, finding comfort there, and in that moment, I knew I was in big trouble.
That Thursday night, as we lay in bed afterwards and I wiped Kate off with a warm, wet cloth, she asked about going to a fetish night.
"You want to go?" I asked, surprised and happy at the same time.
"Yes," she said, watching me as I cared for her. "When I read about them, I always wanted to go."
"Voyeuristic, are you?"
"Maybe. I don't really know yet. I don’t think I'm an exhibitionist. The thought of people watching me makes me a bit queasy."
"I'll keep that in mind,” I said, “but you have to know that people who host these events sometimes host play only parties where you have to do something."
"Like what? I don't want to have sex in front of people."
"We'd have to do something,” I said and considered. “I might tie you up, blindfold you and demonstrate some bondage, or that kind of thing just so no one complained."
She cringed a bit, her shoulders hunching. "I don't know…"
"Let's play it by ear. There's a very private and exclusive pre-Christmas dungeon party in Yonkers I thought we could go to. Would you like to go? It's the Saturday before Christmas."
"Okay," she said but I sensed that as excited as she was to go, she was really reluctant about doing any kind of demonstration.
I kissed her. "Thank you. I want to take you. I have something special in mind for that night."
"What?"
I just smiled and shook my head. Then I finished wiping her off. After she finished her nightly tooth brushing and face washing, she came back to the bed. I pulled the covers over us, snuggling down against her from behind.
"What about you?" she asked. "Do you like to watch other people or have other people watch you?"
"I like to watch, yes. I can go either way when it comes to exhibitionism. I’ve done some tutorials and demonstrations of bondage and I can perform if I have to. I tend to like my sex private. I'll expect you to be dressed appropriately and I'll have to put a collar on you. We can do whatever you feel comfortable with."
"A collar?" She reached for her neck and then turned around in my arms so that she was facing me. I could barely see her face in the darkness, except for the contours of her cheeks and lips highlighted by the light from the window.
"Would you like that?" I said. "I'd have to make sure no one else tried to touch you or even approached you. I'm very possessive like that. I don't share my subs."
"I wouldn't want to have sex in front of people, though," she said, her hands on my chest, my arms wrapped around her. "I'm not into the whole poly scene. I'd like to watch what other people do, but I'm too shy to have people watch me fuck or have an orgasm. And I can't easily just fuck anyone."
"I know," I said and nuzzled her neck, playfully biting her shoulder. "I like that."
"You do? I thought you saw it as a failing in me." She glanced up at me, a confused expression on her face.
I felt a bit sheepish because I knew it was wholly self-serving. I wanted her to be eager to get in bed with me, but no one else. "I did, when I wanted you to fuck me that first time, but now, I see it as a definite plus. I don’t want to think of you with anyone else…"
She smiled and kissed me, seemingly amused instead of insulted.
"But when we do go," I said, my voice chiding, "I'd expect you to remember to use the proper form of address…" I could barely hold back my grin. "If you don't in front of other Doms, I'd have no choice but to punish you."
Then she realized what I meant. "Oh. Sorry, Master. I've been very bad."
"That's all right," I said, biting my lip so I didn’t smile. "I'll let it go tonight but I won't always be so tolerant."
"What would you do, Master?” she asked, tilting her head to the side. “If you had to punish me?"
"I'd bend you over my lap and spank you with my bare hand,” I replied, imagining her over my knee, her nice round ass exposed. “And then I would have to fuck you, but it would be in private."
I knew she was curious about spanking, but at the same time, she was afraid to try it.
"I want to go, Master," she said, whispering. "I want you to have to spank me."
I pulled her against me, nuzzling her neck. "You are such a bad girl to tempt me like that, Katherine. You've been very good. Except for the occasional lapse in your use of terminology, I've found no good reason to spank you. I like it that way. We have so little time together, I don’t want to have to punish you, no matter how you might enjoy it."
She wrapped her arms around me, seemingly satisfied. Then, from out of the blue, she spoke. "You never told me much about the restraining order."
That surprised me. We hadn’t spoken of it since the night we got back together after Nassau.
"For a reason, Kate. I don't like to talk about it. It was a mess."
She nodded and turned away, but I could tell she wasn’t happy with the lack of discussion. I didn’t like to think about that period of my life because it was very dark and I was a mess. However, she probably needed to know more, so I took in a deep breath and prepared myself to tell her more.
"Have I once hurt you in any way, intentionally? Or done something that scared you or made you upset?"
"No," she said, not meeting my eyes.
"Then please trust me that it had nothing to do with any kind of abuse."
She sighed and then, to my surprise, said nothing more about it. I was glad. Dwelling on the huge mistakes in my life was not something I tried to do too often.
We went to bed and she didn’t push for more information, but I felt certain that it wasn’t the last time she’d ask about it.
CHAPTER FIVE
I was waiting for her when she arrived at the apartment on 8th Avenue on Saturday night, anticipating the fetish party. We didn’t usually do Saturdays but Kate made an exception and so we had the night to ourselves without fear of her meddling friend.
She ran up the stairs, excitement on her face as she rounded the corner and I couldn’t help but smile when I saw her so eager to go to the fetish club. I was in the middle of getting dressed when she arrived and was only in my leather jeans and belt, my feet and chest bare.
"There you are," I said, pulling her into my arms once I took her coat and hung it up. I rubbed my face in her hair, which smelled of Kate, her
shampoo and perfume so familiar to me now that I craved the scent. "You smell so good."
She wrapped her arms around my waist, her hands sliding up my back and then down to cup my ass. I usually wasn’t affectionate with my subs, and this was breaking the rules for her to be so forward, but in truth it was another thing about Kate that I craved. I loved it when she spontaneously showed me affection. I loved that she felt had rights to my body and considered it hers to touch and to enjoy.
"I think I really really like the pants,” she said and ran her hands over my butt. “What are you wearing underneath?"
"Commando," I said, grinning against her neck. "I have to be ready to fuck you at the drop of a hat."
"Oh, God…" she said, gasping when my hands slipped under the hem of her dress to feel her naked pussy.
"Oh, God is right," I murmured against her neck. "I don’t know if I can wait until later to fuck you, but I want to do it at the club."
She pulled away and looked at my face, in my eyes. "But not in front of anyone, right?"
"Katherine," I said, trying to sound authoritative even though I was certain that, by then, whatever authority I once had was gone. "We're in scene."
She inhaled deeply and nodded. "Forgive me, Master."
"Forgiven," I said, not that I was in the least upset, but I felt I had to give Kate what she wanted and needed—me, Dominant. "As if I could ever not forgive you." Then I frowned a bit. "As for what happens tonight, do you trust me? Do you trust me to know what you need and what you can handle?"
She looked up into my eyes. "Yes. Completely." I frowned and waited for her to use the proper form of address, smirking when her eyes finally widened. "Yes, Master."
"Good girl. I decide what happens tonight, not you. Your one out is to use the safe word."
"I never want to use it, Master," she said, frowning, her voice wavering.
"Neither do I," I replied. "Now, I see I'm going to have to wipe that frown off your face." I turned her around, tickling her from behind. She giggled and tried to wrestle out of my arms, but she was no match for me. When she was in near hysterics from my fingers, I let her go.
"Off to the bathroom," I said and smacked her on the ass. "I have something for you."
She mock-screamed and ran to the bathroom as I chased her, my hands reaching out. She stopped inside the bathroom and leaned against the vanity, waiting for me. I picked up the box holding the leather dress I bought for her during the day. It was a leather corset dress purchased from a leather shop that catered to Manhattan’s leather and BDSM community. I took her measurements the last time we were together and told her I’d pick something out for her to wear.
"Take off your clothes."
She complied immediately, eager to try on whatever was in the box. I was busy unwrapping it and then I glanced up from the contents of the box and smiled when I saw her. "That's what I like to see." I went to her and pulled her into my embrace, kissing her neck and biting her shoulder just a bit, then stepped back. "I got you a very nice black number," I said. "But first, there's this." I reached into the box and pulled out a thick black leather collar that I’d selected as well. It was lined with felt on the inside and had a silver buckle and a padlock.
"My collar," she said, reaching up to feel her neck. She smiled and held up her hair so I could put it on.
"Wait," I said, holding up a hand. "There's more to it than just putting it on. This is symbolic, Katherine, of our relationship. It signifies that you're mine, completely and totally, when you wear it. Do you understand that? Completely and totally mine."
I held her gaze, trying to impart how serious and solemn this was.
"Yes, Master," she said, her voice a bit choked. "I understand."
"Good girl," I said and kissed her. "It means no hesitation from now on when you wear it. No questioning my decisions. No avoiding what I order you to do. You obey immediately and completely without thought or reservation. You only think of how to please me. If you don't submit fully and with pleasure to what I demand, you have to expect that I'll punish you. Up until now, we've been just playing a bit with D/s. This is serious now. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Master," she said a bit too quickly, eager to have me put it on.
I took her chin in my hands and caught her eye. "Katherine, I want you to focus. Tell me what this means. When I put this collar around your neck, what does it mean?"
She inhaled, blinking. I was really serious about this part and wanted her to take it seriously as well.
"It means I’m yours totally. I obey you completely without hesitation."
I narrowed my eyes at her because she still wasn’t focusing.
"Master," she said, grimacing.
"Good girl. But it's more than just a symbol of possession. It means I've chosen you and you've chosen me. I'm offering this to you—being your Dom. You've accepted, with all that means. It means we're exclusive. People take collaring very seriously in the lifestyle. Do you understand how serious this is? It's not given lightly. It's not just for show."
She said nothing for a moment, her eyes holding mine. "Yes, Master."
I nodded, satisfied that she did understand. "Now turn around and hold up your hair."
She did and so I stepped closer, kissing her shoulder then wrapping the collar around her neck, watching in the mirror as I fastened the closure and secured the tiny padlock. I admired the thick, shiny black leather collar against her creamy skin. Then I held up the key.
"Slave," I said, my voice serious. "This key is mine, just as you are mine when you wear my collar. When I put this on you and close the lock, wherever we are, you must obey me immediately and fully. No hesitation, no complaints. If you do hesitate or complain or fail to comply, I must punish you. Do you understand?"
She nodded. "Yes, Master."
She examined herself in the mirror. The collar was shiny and thick, with soft grey felt to cushion the hard black leather.
"You look delicious, slave,” I said. “I want to eat you. In fact, I think I will eat you before we go. But first, I'm going to dress you."
I slipped the black leather corset dress out of the box and Kate stepped into it. The skirt was short, barely covering the tops of her nylons. I tightened the corset with ties in the back, pulling them until the top fit more tightly, the boned bodice pushing up her breasts and squeezing them together.
"How's that feel?" I said, my dick hardening at the sight of her breasts pushed up beneath leather. I ran my fingers over the tops of her breasts spilling out over the cups.
"It's a bit tight," she said, adjusting her breasts against the leather.
"Can you breathe?"
She took in a breath. "Yes."
"Good. That's perfect. You look…" I said, eyeing her up and down. "Delicious." Then I reached into the box and pulled out a black lace garter belt and black fishnet stockings. "Put these on. Then I'm going to eat you."
She complied, pulling on the garter belt and then she sat on the edge of the tub and pulled on the stockings, one after the other. I knelt down and fastened each garter to the stockings. Before she could move, I forced her legs apart. She had to grip the back of the tub for support as I lifted one of her thighs over my shoulder.
She wedged the other foot against the wall, and when I kissed her, she almost jumped.
"Oh, God, Master, I don't know if this is a wise position…"
"Don't argue with me, slave. Tell me if you feel like you could lose your grip."
"Yes, Master," she said, closing her eyes as I began licking her naked pussy all over, my fingers spreading her open.
"I'm going to be very fast, Master," she said, her voice quivery. "I've been aroused all day."
I glanced up at her. "Good. Just remember to ask permission to come."
She nodded, gasping when I slipped a finger inside of her.
"Nice and wet," I said, then started licking her again, agonizingly slowly, before covering her with my mouth and sucking her inside. It didn't take
long after I slipped several fingers inside of her and she was ready to come, her breathing rapid and her thighs shaking.
"Master, I'm ready…"
"You're what?"
"I'm going to…"
I stopped my motions, wanting her to work harder for her pleasure. "I'm not sure if you deserve it. I think I want to hear you beg."
"Please, Master. May I come now?"
I hesitated, making her wait. "I'll think about it."
Then, because I wanted to work her up several times so that she was really excited for our night at the fet party, I began licking her again, fucking her slowly with two fingers. Soon, she was gasping again, close once more.
"Master, I…"
I repeated this several times, and each time, her voice became more and more desperate, her thighs quaking and her breathing fast. The next time she asked if she could come, I pulled away.
"I don't think so. I think I'll leave you in need. Aroused. You'll be all the more aroused by what happens at the party."
She groaned in protest when I withdrew my fingers. I leaned over her, holding her in my arms and kissing her deeply.
We stood up, but her legs were shaky and I had to practically hold her up. I stroked my fingers through her hair.
"You'll be so ready later," I said, taking her hand and stroking it across my erection. "And so will I. Perhaps some of your inhibitions will be overcome."
I was hard as rock, my body ready, but I wanted to wait until the party, and perhaps, if she was loosened up enough, some almost-public sex, but I’d have to play it by ear. I didn’t want to do anything to scare her away. I left her and slipped on a crisp white linen shirt, leaving it untucked, and then my socks and boots. Finally, I pulled a black tuxedo jacket over top.
We were ready to go.
Kate was extremely excited to go to the party and asked me a dozen questions on the drive to Yonkers.
"Will we wear masks?" she asked. "Master?" she added, catching herself.