by S. J. West
“Oh, that,” I say, understanding what they’re talking about now. “Yes, I understand what will happen. I’m prepared for it.”
“I’m sure Malcolm will know how to make it as painless as possible for you,” Lilly says confidently.
“It will hurt,” Caylin tells me, “but the discomfort will pass, and my mom’s right. If anyone knows how to make it a beautiful experience in spite of that pain, it will be Uncle Malcolm. Aiden helped me through it, and I don’t see Uncle Malcolm being any less compassionate about it with you.”
“I wish I’d waited for Malik,” Tara says with a deep sigh of regret. “If I’d waited for someone who truly loved me, I think my first time would have been a lot better, and a memory I would actually want to remember.”
“I truly don't have any worries,” I tell them. “Since the moment I saw Malcolm, I've wanted to make love to him. I'm not afraid of the pain. It’ll all be worth it in the end.”
Without warning, I suddenly feel a sense of melancholy enter the room like a physical entity dampening the happy mood we're all in. It's a strange sensation, and not one I would have expected to feel in Heaven.
I notice Lilly, Caylin, and Jess all sit up a little straighter in their chairs at almost the same instant.
“Thank goodness,” Jess says in relief, looking over at me.
“I didn’t think she would be able to stay away,” Caylin says with a smile.
I lift a hand to my heart because there's an ache there now that wasn't there before.
“Is my mother here?” I ask, piecing together the meaning of what Caylin said and the sense of loss I feel.
“Yes,” Lilly tells me. “She's here.”
“Is it her sadness I'm feeling?” I ask Lilly.
“Yes.”
“Is it because she's separated from Lucifer?”
Lilly nods her head, and I see every woman around the table sympathize with my mother's plight.
“How am I able to feel her pain?” I ask.
“We can all feel it,” Jess tells me. “Her soul is the only one in Heaven to retain the sadness she felt on Earth. It's so powerful that anyone who's around Amalie can feel her anguish.”
“Does she blame me?” I ask, needing to know the answer to this question before I speak with my mother.
“Oh heaven's no, baby girl,” Utha Mae assures me. “If anything, I think she feels guilty for having to leave you when she did. Go to her, child. Let her explain things to you.”
Lilly stands from the table and holds out her hand to me.
“I think it’s time you met your mom, Anna,” she says.
My heart races into my throat, and I feel apprehensive all of a sudden at the prospect of facing my mother. I will my heart to beat at a calmer pace and place my hand into Lilly’s hand. After I stand from my chair, we walk out of the kitchen back towards the front door. Lilly squeezes my hand reassuringly, and I draw courage from her strength as I prepare myself to meet the woman who sacrificed everything just to give me life.
Chapter 6
When Lilly places her hand on the doorknob, I say, “Wait.”
Lilly takes her hand away from the knob and looks at me.
“I’m scared,” I say, finding it a hard thing to admit. “She gave up so much to have me. What if I haven’t lived up to her expectation? What if she tells me I’ve disappointed her in some way?”
“How could you possibly be a disappointment to her?” Lilly asks, looking mystified at my sudden reluctance to meet my mother.
“Lucifer said she asked him to raise me. He lied to her on her deathbed, Lilly. He told her he would but he lied.”
“Do you honestly think she didn’t know that at the time?”
I feel confused for a moment, but then remember one trait I’ve always had, being able to know when someone was telling me the truth or lying to my face. It makes sense that my mother would have had the same ability.
“Still,” I say, “I think she was hoping he would change his mind and raise me. What if she was counting on me to develop a relationship with him and force him to change his ways?”
“She’s your mother, Anna. All any mother wants is for her child to have a full and happy life. However, you could be right about one thing. She might have hoped Lucifer would learn something about himself by raising you. Nevertheless, maybe all she hoped for was that he would develop an understanding about what it feels like to love someone else more than he does himself. Very few parents place their own needs above those of their children. And those who do usually aren’t good parents.”
I understand what Lilly is saying. I might not have been Lucas’ biological mother, but I did consider him my son. I knew I would walk through the fires of Hell itself if it meant keeping him safe.
“Come on,” Lilly says, tugging on my hand slightly. “I know what it cost her to come here today. Don’t sadden her even more by hiding away from her.”
I hesitate for a moment then nod my head, knowing Lilly is right.
Lilly grabs the doorknob once again, and I don’t stop her this time.
The sweet fragrance of the flowers on the porch helps calm my frayed nerves. Their aroma welcomes me as I step out into the light of a Heavenly day. The familiar creak of the chains on the porch swing automatically draws my attention. It’s not empty anymore. My mother is sitting on it now with her right hand wrapped around the chain as she looks off into the distance at the snowcapped mountain range surrounding us.
She’s even lovelier in person than any of her pictures or videos. Tiny wisps of her long brown hair flutter in the wind, giving her presence an ethereal quality. Her hair is cut short in the front, falling straight against her forehead to act as a frame around her face.
I notice a slight hesitation in her movements right before she looks over at me. When our eyes finally meet, I feel an instant connection. It’s as if I’ve been missing an important part of myself all my life, only to have it finally returned to me in that moment.
“I’ll leave the two of you to talk,” Lilly tells me.
I’m aware of Lilly walking back inside the house and closing the door, but my attention is totally consumed by my mother.
Even though I grew up with her picture hanging above my fireplace in Cirrus, being in her actual physical presence leaves me speechless. For one of the few times in my life, I’m not sure what to do next.
My mother stands from her seat on the swing but doesn’t make to move towards me.
“Hello, Anna,” she says, a melancholy smile stretching her lips. She watches me closely, and I assume she’s not sure what to do next either.
“Hello,” I say, not sure how I should address her. Mother seemed too formal but mommy seemed too childish.
My mother folds her hands in front of her.
“I heard today is your wedding day to Malcolm,” she says, trying to give me a true smile of happiness but not able to reach it because of her own eternal misery.
I nod, not able to think of anything else to say on the subject.
“I never could have imagined Malcolm would end up being your soulmate,” she says. “But I couldn’t have picked a better man to love you. He’s been so lonely for so long. I’m just happy the two of you were able to find one another. I wanted to come here and wish you a happy and long life together.”
After that, neither of us says anything for a long time, but as I look at her, all my mind and heart can think to say is, “I’m sorry.”
My mother cocks her head to the side as she looks at me in confusion.
“What on earth do you have to be sorry about?”
“I’m sorry my birth caused your death. I’m sorry I’m the reason you’re so sad. I’m sorry you weren’t given the chance to have your happily ever after with Lucifer because of me. Basically, I’m sorry I ruined your life.”
“Oh, Anna,” my mother sighs, shaking her head at me. “You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about. Why do you feel guilt over something that was never within y
our power to control? I knew what I was doing when I decided to go through with the pregnancy. I understood what I would be giving up.”
“I know Lucifer tried to convince you to abort me,” I tell her.
“I never could have done that,” she tells me, no hesitation in her statement. “I never could have killed you. You’re my baby, Anna. You are the product of my love for Lucifer. How could I have destroyed you when you represent something so beautiful?”
“But you wouldn’t be separated from one another now if you had simply let me go.”
“Then, we would have been separated by your death instead of mine. I never would have been able to forgive myself or Lucifer if I had murdered you for such a selfish reason. I don’t regret my decision to have you. I never have. My only regret is not being there for you when you needed me. I missed seeing you transform from that beautiful little baby I held in my arms when I died into the gorgeous woman standing in front of me now. I know I shouldn’t, but I envy Andre of those little moments he was able to share with you while you were growing up. They’re moments that will never happen again. Memories I will never get to have with you. It’s time I can never get back. I’m the one who should be apologizing to you. I wish I had been stronger and able to survive your birth. I’m sorry I had to leave you.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” I tell her.
“And my death wasn’t your fault,” she replies.
We’re both silent for a moment until I say, “Can I ask you a question?”
“You can ask me anything.”
“Why did you want Lucifer to raise me? Why was that so important to you?”
“I knew he needed someone to love after I was gone,” my mother tells me. “He has so much love to give, Anna. He just refuses to let many people see that side of him. During the time we were together, he showed me every day just how much he loved me. That’s what real love is all about. Grandiose gestures are pleasant enough, but doing the little day-to-day things for someone shows your ability to love on a completely different level. The way they look at you. The way they touch you. The way they respect your thoughts and opinions. All those little things add up over time and give proof to a love that transcends a simple romance.”
I understood what she meant because Malcolm was always showing me his love in simple ways. His little nightly notes during our courting period. The way he would always hold my hand when we walked beside one another. His eagerness to show me how to build things with him in his workshop. There were a dozen or more small things he would do for me during any given day that showed his love for me with actions and not just words.
“I thought you might be hoping I could change him into someone who would ask for God’s forgiveness,” I tell her. “If he would just do that, the two of you could be together forever.”
“No one can make someone do something they’re not ready for,” she says. “And I won’t say the thought didn’t cross my mind, but mostly I just didn’t want him to be alone. He needed you after my death. I just wish he could have seen that fact for himself. I still have hope that he will find the strength within himself to ask God for forgiveness, but he’s always been extremely hardheaded where his father is concerned. I’m not sure his pride will let him bow down in front of God and admit he’s been wrong all these years.”
“Do you think God would forgive him if he did?” I ask. “He’s done so many bad things during his time on Earth. Even while he was in Heaven, he was sinful. He was the whole reason for the war here.”
“Do you believe God wouldn’t redeem your father if he asked for it?”
I feel unprepared for the question but answer truthfully.
“I don’t know.”
“If a person comes to Him truly repentant, God will forgive them. He loves Lucifer as much as he loves you, me, practically anyone you can name. He doesn’t pick and choose who is worthy of redemption, Anna. All He does is wait for those who want His forgiveness to come to Him and ask for it with an open heart. As long as you truly mean it and are sorry for the sins you’ve committed, He can forgive anything.”
“Then why doesn’t Lucifer do that?” I ask. “I know he wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him. Why is he torturing you both like this?”
“Lucifer’s pride has always denied him his greatest happiness,” my mother tells me. “It was his pride which stripped him of his place here in Heaven, and it’s his pride which keeps him from letting go of his hate and accepting his failures.”
“I’ve been to Hell,” I tell my mother.
Her eyes grow wide in alarm. “Why on earth would you ever do that, Anna? Don’t you understand how dangerous that place is?”
“Lucifer was keeping information from me. I needed to know what he knew. Did you know he’s been hiding there and reliving memories of you since your death?”
My mother’s eyes water with tears, and she places a shaky hand over her heart.
“I guess I should have known that,” she says, a catch in her voice. “I’ve been feeling his pain since I left.”
“You’re still connected to one another?” I ask, finding clarity in how strong the spiritual bond between soulmates actually is. With my limited knowledge of such a connection, I simply assumed the tie would be broken after death.
“If anything, it became stronger after my death,” my mother reveals.
She closes her eyes, and I watch as tears course down her cheeks. Her sadness tears at my heart. I walk over to her and wrap my arms around her, hoping to bring her at least a little bit of comfort.
She doesn’t hug me back right away, but when she does, I feel her let go of a small portion of her burden as she lays her head on my shoulder and cries.
I wish there was something I could do for her to take her pain away. However, I know I’m not the person who can do that. Only Lucifer can work such a miracle. Now that I know the connection between their souls is still present, I can’t understand why Lucifer would still let his pride keep them apart. Why does he find it so difficult to simply admit how wrong he’s been and ask God to forgive him? Or is Hell itself preventing such a thing from happening? Is that another reason why it’s been showing Lucifer memories of my mother? Does it want to keep him trapped within its bowels because it knows it will never find someone as powerful as him to feed its insatiable need for power fueled by hate?
I don’t try to rush my mother. I simply let her cry on my shoulder and do my best to help her through her sorrow.
Suddenly, I feel her wince like someone physically hit her in the gut. She pulls back from me.
“I’m sorry,” she says, a new set of tears forming in her eyes. “I need to leave.”
“Why?” I ask. “What’s wrong?”
She shakes her head at me, tears streaming down her face once again.
“I can’t…I can’t take the pain he’s going through right now,” she tells me. “I don’t know what Hell’s showing him but…I’m sorry. I need to leave.”
She leans in and kisses me on the cheek. “I love you, Anna. Please don’t forget that.”
My mother phases away, leaving me on the porch alone.
I instantly know exactly where I need to go.
When I phase to Hell, I find Lucifer sitting on the bench in the replica of Malcolm’s courtyard. His eyes look glazed over, and he doesn’t seem to notice my sudden appearance. He seems locked inside his own little world, a place where his memories of my mother have him trapped.
I look behind me to see what scene Hell is making him watch. I see Lucifer pacing back and forth inside a little chapel. He’s dressed in a nicely tailored black tuxedo and looks agitated for some reason. Malcolm stands in the back of the little church with his arms crossed over his chest. His mien is grave as he observes Lucifer’s behavior.
“Nervous?” Malcolm asks him in a mocking tone.
Lucifer stops pacing and looks over at Malcolm. It’s obvious from the expression on his face that he thought he was alone.
&
nbsp; Lucifer turns to face Malcolm.
“I’m wondering why I agreed to do this,” Lucifer confesses.
“So am I,” Malcolm admits. “I didn’t think you loved her this much, if you want to know the truth of the matter.”
“I love her more than a mangy little mongrel like you could ever understand, Malcolm. Why are you here anyway? Amalie knows we hate each other. I don’t think she expects you to be here to show your approval.”
“I don’t approve,” Malcolm says with a shrug. “But that doesn’t really seem to matter to her. I’m here in case you chicken out, and I need to help her pick up the pieces when you abandon her.”
“I won’t abandon her,” Lucifer says stridently. “I wouldn’t do that to her. She means everything to me.”
“So you say,” Malcolm says, sounding unconvinced, “but when it comes down to it, I know you’ll end up disappointing her. If not today, some other day. It’s only a matter of time, Lucifer. And when it happens, I’ll help her through it.”
“Why? Are you in love with her too?”
“No, but I do love her,” Malcolm says. “She’s my friend, and I’m always loyal to my friends, even when I think they’re making a monumental mistake. I doubt that’s something you can understand. You’re too selfish and self-centered to sacrifice a little bit of yourself for someone you love.”
“Don’t stand there and pontificate to me, Malcolm. You have no idea what I would give for Amalie. But then again, our father hasn’t seen fit to provide you with a soulmate yet, has he? Oh wait…you thought it was Lilly at one time. You were wrong about that, and you’re wrong about Amalie and me. I think you’re just jealous that you haven’t been able to experience a love like ours. Is that the real reason you’re against us doing this today? Is your jealousy eating you alive?”
“Don’t transpose your own feelings onto me, Lucifer. You and I are nothing alike.”
“We’re probably more alike than either one of us would want to admit,” Lucifer says. “We’re both stubborn to a fault when we think we’re right.”
“I don’t think I’m right,” Malcolm says. “I know I am. I’ll make a promise to you though, even if you don’t deserve it. When you break her heart, and I know you will, I’ll help her through it as much as I can.”