by S. J. West
“Lucifer,” my mother says, tears streaming down her face. “I love you, but I love our child more.”
After those words, Lucifer’s expression changes almost instantaneously. It hardens into a mask of complete indifference. He drops my mother’s hand and stands from the bed.
“If you don’t love me enough to kill that thing,” he says, “then…I release you from the vows you made to me on our wedding day.”
“Lucifer don’t…” my mother begs, sobbing uncontrollably. “Don’t do this to us. Not now.”
Lucifer shakes his head at her. “I can’t stand by and watch you die. That thing is only inside you because of me. I’m the one who’s truly killing you, Amalie. If it wasn’t for me, you would have lived a normal life.”
“But I would have never known true happiness.”
“How can this make you happy?” Lucifer asks scathingly. “Do you like being on the edge of death? You know you'll never survive that creature’s birth!”
“But I will have brought a child into the world who is the best parts of us both. She’s a gift that could have never been made if we hadn’t fallen in love. She will be unlike anything this world has ever seen, Lucifer. She’ll be perfect.”
“A perfect abomination,” Lucifer spits out. “And I refuse to have anything to do with her.”
“You’re her father,” my mother says, as if trying to drive the truth of that simple fact home. “She’ll need you after I’m gone.”
“She won’t even know I exist if I have anything to say about it,” Lucifer says. “And if I know your bleeding heart Watchers, they’ll raise her and make sure she knows nothing about me.”
“But that’s not what I want,” my mother cries. “I want her to know you! You’re her father whether you want to be or not!”
“I will not love her,” Lucifer says with so much conviction and hatred I feel his words sting my heart. “She will be nothing to me. I refuse to care for something that takes the only person I’ve ever loved away from me. You can’t force me to love something like that!”
“She’s your daughter,” my mother says reproachfully. “She isn’t a thing!”
“She’s nothing to me,” Lucifer says resolutely. “And that’s exactly the way I’ll treat her.”
“Lucifer,” my mother says, stretching out a hand towards him, “please, don’t do this to me.”
“You’ve given me no other choice,” Lucifer says, keeping his voice emotionless. “Goodbye, Amalie.”
Lucifer phases and the scene goes black. All I hear are my mother’s plaintive cries.
I swallow hard, trying to contain my own tears after watching the scene. I turn around to find that Helena has moved to stand right behind me.
“There’s no need to hide your pain,” she croons, closing her eyes and smiling as if she’s experiencing a moment of ecstasy. “Your sorrow is almost as deep as your father’s. Why do you still feel guilt over your birth?”
“Who wouldn’t feel sad that their birth was the cause of their mother’s death?”
Helena opens her eyes and smiles. Her gaze is drawn to something over my shoulder and I know she’s conjured up yet another scene. I brace myself because I know which of Lucifer’s memories she’s about show me.
When I turn around, I see my mother’s room in Malcolm’s house. Positioned in the room like statues are my papa, Lucifer, Desmond, Brutus, Daniel, Jered, and Millie. Lucifer is standing off in the farthest dark corner while the others are around the bed. Papa is sitting on the bed beside my mother holding one of her hands while Millie is standing on the other side holding her other hand. My mother appears to be in mid-push considering the strained expression on her face. Desmond is situated on the far end of the bed acting as my mother’s doctor. The others are busy tending to preparations for my entry into the world.
Brutus is readying a wooden cradle with blankets. Jered is laying out towels and what looks like some of Desmond’s medical equipment on a table. Daniel is walking into the room with a bowl of steaming water and extra towels draped across one arm.
“Is this the moment you most dread to watch?” Helena whispers in my ear. “The moment you killed your mother.”
I remain silent because I don’t want to give Helena anymore pleasure than she’s already taking from me. I refuse to let her taunts provoke a reaction inside me.
Instantly, the room comes alive with action. It’s almost like a switch was flipped to set the scene into motion.
“Push, Amalie,” Desmond encourages my mother. “Just one more and I think we’ll have her.”
My mother squeezes my papa’s hand tightly and screams as she pushes with all the strength she has left in her body.
I watch as my body slides head first out of my mother and into Desmond’s awaiting hands. After being so rudely thrust into the cold world, I begin to cry. Desmond hands me to Millie and she rocks me in her arms trying to bring me some comfort. Millie quickly hands me off to Jered who lays me on the towels on the table. Daniel quickly washes the evidence of my birth off my skin before Desmond comes over to examine me.
“You did it,” Papa tells my mother, lovingly moving sweat soaked strands of hair off her emaciated face.
My mother’s breathing is labored, and I think everyone in the room knows she doesn’t have much longer to live. She opens her eyes and anxiously searches the room until she finds Lucifer still standing alone in his corner.
“And here she is,” Desmond says, bringing me to my mother swaddled in a pink blanket. He lays me in the crook of her right arm on the bed.
“Oh my,” my mother says, tears streaming down her face. “She’s even more beautiful than I could have imagined.”
My mother looks back over at Lucifer.
“Lucifer, come meet your daughter,” my mother begs, holding out a weak, shaky hand, urging him to come closer.
Everyone in the room watches to see what Lucifer will do.
Finally, he pushes away from his spot in the corner and walks over to my mother and me. The others move away to allow them a small bit of privacy.
Lucifer sits down on the side of the bed and stares at me as I rest against my mother’s side.
“Lucifer,” my mother says, drawing his gaze to her face. “I want you to do something for me.”
“You know I would do anything for you.”
“Raise our child,” my mother begs. “Let her get to know the side of you that you’ve only shown to me. There’s so much goodness inside you, but you refuse to let anyone see it.”
“You’re the only one who ever bothered to look.”
“You know that’s not true,” she tells him. “Your father has always known it was there. I think he sent me to you so that you would remember who you once were. Let go of your hatred and jealousy towards humanity. Love our child and show her what a beautiful person you are on the inside. There’s so much you have to offer and teach her. Please, promise me you’ll keep her with you, keep her safe.”
“I can’t do that,” Lucifer says, wiping at the tears that have fallen across his cheeks. “I wouldn’t even know where to start, Amalie. She’ll be better off staying here with your friends.”
“But I don’t want that,” my mother sobs. “I want her to grow up with you. She deserves to know how much her mother and father love her. Don’t take that opportunity away from her.”
“But you’re leaving us,” Lucifer says as tears continue to stream down his face. “How are we supposed to go on without you? How am I supposed to live without you, Amalie?”
My mother looks down at me. “A part of me will always be here for you to love, Lucifer. Look at her,” my mother urges. “How can you not see me in her?”
Lucifer looks down at me but says nothing.
My mother reaches a hand out and grabs hold of Lucifer’s arm.
“Please,” she begs, crying. “Please tell me you’ll look after our child. Tell me you can show her the love you’ve shown me.”
Lucifer remai
ns silent as he stares at me. Finally, he raises his eyes to look at my mother’s face.
“All right,” he says, sounding defeated. “I’ll do it for you.”
My mother smiles wanly, and I can tell she knows he’s lying to her.
“Oh Lucifer,” she says weakly on the precipice of death. “If only you knew…”
My mother goes completely limp as death claims her body.
Lucifer stands up. He continues to stare at my mother for a long while. When I finally begin to cry, he reaches down and picks me up. Even though I know what will happen next, a part of me hopes he will take me and do as my mother asked.
Instead, he turns to the others in the room and asks, “Which of you is willing to take on the responsibility of raising Amalie’s child?”
My papa steps forward before anyone else has a chance.
“I will,” he says to Lucifer. “I will raise her as if she were my own.”
Lucifer hands me over to my papa and stares at me for a moment before saying, “She would never find true happiness with me like Amalie thought. And I refuse to corrupt Amalie’s last gift to this world.”
“I understand,” my papa says, not judging Lucifer in the slightest for his decision. “I promise she will always know that she’s loved by me and those around her. You don’t have to worry about her physical or emotional well-being.”
Lucifer nods, accepting that my papa’s words are true.
He phases away and the scene fades to black.
“Poor Lucifer,” Helena utters mockingly.
I turn to see her bent at the waist looking into Lucifer’s face. Tears of sorrow cascade freely from Lucifer’s eyes, yet he still looks frozen into place, completely lost in his last memory of my mother. Helena reaches out a hand and follows a trail of tears down one of his cheeks with her index finger. She brings the tip of her finger to her mouth and spreads his tears on her ruby red lips like its lipstick. She smiles before standing back up and turning to face me.
“There’s nothing quite as sweet as the taste of pure sorrow,” she says to me. “I’ve tasted it quite often over the years from Lucifer’s tears. Yet, I can never seem to get enough of them.”
Her heartless words awaken something dark inside me. It’s a hatred so vile I feel on the verge of losing control of it. I grab Helena by the throat and lift her off the ground, my hands burst into blue flames.
“Stop torturing him,” I order her, through clenched teeth.
Helena begins to laugh, and I squeeze her throat even harder making her laughs turn to gurgles. I hold her in place like that for a long while before I loosen my grip a little to allow her to speak.
“Like father like daughter, I see. Do you think you’re actually hurting me?” She taunts viciously. “You’re simply feeding me, making me into something greater with your loathing. I live for hate. I live for pain. I live to make your world a living Hell. So do your worst to me, my dear, because it only makes me stronger.”
I let go of Helena. She lands on her feet looking unphased by my actions. If anything, she looks even more pleased with herself.
“Release him from your spell,” I tell her.
“No,” she says succinctly. “And don’t bother to come up with more threats. Th ere’s nothing you can do to truly harm me. I’m not something you can simply kill, Anna. Your puny little monkey brain can’t possibly comprehend what I am. There’s only one way I will ever let Lucifer go-- if you take his place.”
“No!” Lucifer shouts.
Helena looks startled by Lucifer’s outburst. I get the feeling she didn’t think he was able to hear our exchange. Perhaps her hold on him isn’t as strong as she believes.
“Anna,” Lucifer says, standing to his feet, dislodging the snow on his body with his movements, “leave this place and never return. I’ll handle this thing.”
Helena begins to laugh but it comes out sounding more like an insane person’s cackle.
“Handle me?” She asks incredulously. “You act as though you still have control down here, Lucifer. It’s been years since you did. I am the master of this domain now, not you.”
Lucifer looks over at me. “Leave. Let me handle this.”
“We would be stronger together,” I argue.
Lucifer shakes his head. “I don’t need your help. Just leave.”
I stay, hoping he’ll change his mind.
“Leave!” He shouts at me.
I phase back to the actual courtyard at Malcolm’s house. I sit down on the snow-covered bench and think through everything I just witnessed in Hell. The remorse I’ve felt over my mother’s death bubbles over, and I begin to cry uncontrollably from the breaking of my heart. Before I know it, Malcolm is drawing me into his arms, holding me against his chest. He phases us to the couch in his study, presumably to get me out of the cold. I cry against his chest, letting all of my pent up sorrow from years of guilt finally find release.
Once I’m able to stop crying and pull myself together, I tell Malcolm everything that happened. He patiently listens to what I say even though I can tell he’s disappointed to hear that I made another trip to Hell.
“I hope you listen to Lucifer this time. It’s obvious you won’t listen to me,” Malcolm says, sounding slightly frustrated. “You should never go back there, Anna. She’s just goading you into giving into your hate. It’s what she wants. The more she can make you hate her. The more power she can siphon from you. She’s like a leech whose only purpose is to cause discord and loathing.”
“I know,” I say. “And I understand that, but I couldn’t just let her torture Lucifer with his own memories. I had to try and save him.”
“You can’t protect everyone,” Malcolm tells me gently, “Lucifer least of all. Hell is only as powerful as it is because he made it that way. He’s simply become a victim of his own creation, Anna. There’s nothing you can do for him.”
I sit up straighter and look at Malcolm.
“Do you really believe that?” I ask. “Do you believe he’s beyond saving? Because I refuse to think that way. I think he can be saved. I think he wants to be saved, Malcolm.”
“Don’t project your own desires onto him,” Malcolm warns. “If you go down that path, you might lose yourself in the process. Lucifer made his choice a long time ago, Anna. When he defied our father and brought war to Heaven, he built a wall so high around himself that not even God Himself can breach it.”
“But don’t you think Lucifer has learned from his mistakes after all these years? Don’t you think a person can find himself again and realize how wrong he’s been?”
“Of course I do. It happened to me after I met Lilly.”
“Then why don’t you think it could happen to Lucifer too? Malcolm,” I say, grabbing one of his hands because I want to make sure he understands my position on the subject, “I believe Lucifer can be saved. In a way, I feel like I was born to show him his true self again. When we’re together, it’s almost like he’s able to let his guard down a little. He may not have wanted my birth to happen, but now I think he understands why it had to. I think God sent me down here to save him from himself.”
Malcolm shakes his head. “I truly don’t believe Lucifer can care for anyone more than he does himself, Anna. I mean look at what he did to Amalie. He loved her more than anyone in his life. Yet, he turned his back on her when she needed his strength the most. He lied to her on her deathbed about agreeing to raise you. I think you’re letting your empathy for him cloud your better judgment where he’s concerned.”
“And I think you’re letting your hatred of him cloud yours, Malcolm.”
“Perhaps,” Malcolm concedes, absently rubbing his injured leg. “I just have a hard time imagining he can be the person you want him to be.”
I lean against Malcolm again, resting my head on his chest and drawing strength from his warmth. I feel cold inside after my visit to Hell and confrontation with Helena, but Malcolm’s natural warmth, something he’s commented on before, is like a
healing balm, mending my soul until its whole again.
“I don’t know how you put up with me,” I tell him. “You keep asking me not to go there but I keep going.”
“I understand it’s just your nature to want to help people,” Malcolm says, gliding a hand up and down my arm as he holds me close. “And I fear the pain you’ll feel when Lucifer ends up disappointing you.”
I don’t say anything. I understand Malcolm’s point of view. I simply don’t agree with it.
I believe Lucifer can change. I just have to find a way to make both him and Malcolm believe it too.
Chapter 17
For almost two weeks, Malcolm and I fall into a state of marital bliss. Our mornings start with us making love and our evenings end in the same fashion. During the day, we spend quality time with our son and watch him flourish under our tutelage. We decide that it’s a good idea for Lucas to not only learn how to master a sword, but also how to fight in hand-to-hand combat. Lucas’ human frailties worry me greatly considering the world Malcolm and I live in and the creatures that we deal with. He will never be as strong as us or most of our enemies, but that doesn’t mean we should leave him completely defenseless.
With this fact in mind, I have Giles go to town and buy me something special for Lucas. One day, after his physical combat lesson with Malcolm, I present him with it.
“Come here, little man,” I say to him, bending down on one knee so we are eye level with one another. “I have a gift for you.”
Lucas runs over to me from his father’s side. The smile on his face is irresistible, and I can’t help but smile too.
“What is it?” He asks eagerly. “Are you going to have the babies?”
I laugh at Lucas’ continued eagerness for his little sister and brother to be brought into the world. But, I’m still wearing the necklace Malcolm gave me on our wedding night to prevent me from conceiving our children just yet. Becoming pregnant right now simply isn’t the best idea considering the circumstances. Although we decided to delay children, it didn’t prevent us from practicing very vigorously for the day when we would be free to have them. I feel sure we can’t work at it much harder than we are, but that’s not exactly something I can tell our son.