by D. Kelly
“Another part what?”
When he looks up at me, he nods as if he knows the answer now. “Part of me thinks I was meant to tell you here with Nate. Like a piece of Noah is with us. Unless you need that liquid courage, let’s just talk.”
I’m not sure anything he could say would surprise me at this point, but I’m about to find out.
“I can always drink later.”
Wyatt tucks Nate closer to him and looks up at me. “After the funeral, when Anna and I went back to San Diego to start packing up the house for the move, we watched our videos. I could have kicked Noah’s ass for putting us through that.”
At least I can laugh about it now. “Me too.”
“Noah said a lot that I’m still processing. But he requested I look after you and encourage you and Mel to finally take that leap and see where it takes you.”
Groaning, I lean back on the couch. “You’re not the only one.”
Wyatt raises a questioning brow but continues. “I’m abstaining from his request. I’m not sure how I feel about it, and it’s not my place to push you and Mel into something you may or may not be ready for. When and if it’s time, you guys will know and will figure it out.” He doesn’t sound judgy, just honest.
“Fair enough.”
“What I do need to tell you is something that may move you further in her direction. Noah was in and out of it in the helicopter, but he had some moments of clarity. During one of them, he made me promise to tell you it was okay.”
I’m pretty sure there’s a hand clutching my heart and squeezing the life from it this very moment. I’m having a hard time catching a breath, but I manage to speak. “What was okay, Wyatt?”
“For you to be with Mel and be happy.”
I gasp for air. I should have never given up my anxiety prescription. “Why would he say that?”
Wyatt releases a long sigh and finally meets my eyes. “When we were in New York, Noah and I went to find you and Darren for breakfast because Warren was losing his shit. A shit-ton of fans were in front of the elevators, so we decided to take the stairs a few flights. When we hit the second-story landing, Noah grabbed my arm and motioned for me to be quiet.”
My eyes widen in fear. “What did he hear? Fuck, Wyatt, how much did he know?”
“I’m sorry, Sawyer. I’m pretty sure we heard everything. Noah knew about the kiss and how gutted you were that she chose him. But he also knew you weren’t trying to hurt him and you wanted to come clean.”
Fuck …
A tear slips from my eye, and I brush it away. “Does Mel know? She’s going to freak.”
“No, and I don’t plan to tell her yet, if ever. I hope you won’t either. Noah wasn’t mad at either of you. In fact, Mel wanting to protect the relationship between you two made him realize how much she loved him. He equated it to wanting to be a part of the family and doing whatever she could to hold it together.”
I hang my head in shame. “He must have thought I was such a bastard.”
“Nope, Noah was gutted he couldn’t help ease your pain. He wanted to go to you and hug it out or whatever you two did. He felt your anguish down to his soul, Sawyer. And then he moved heaven and earth to try to mend your relationship. You already had The Sunshine Project, and then the Disney trip, and all those other ways you two bonded over the last few months. Whatever you think Noah thought of you, erase it from your mind. He fucking loved you.”
I lift my eyes to him. “Why are you telling me now?”
“Because I miss my family. I spent months being angry about having all this information and not being ready to do anything with it. So now you know, and you can make an informed choice when the time is right. And now I don’t have to keep any secrets I don’t want to. It’s a win for both of us.”
“I’m not sure I’d call it a win,” I answer with a snort.
“The hell you say? I just told you Noah knew your biggest secret and still loved you. Dude, Noah left messages for you everywhere from beyond the grave. Not only has he absolved you from any guilt you might feel about the Mel situation but he’s also made it abundantly clear he wants the two of you to find happiness and love … together. Sawyer, it doesn’t get any better than that. I love you, man, more than life, but you gotta figure out what you want. In the meantime, take Noah’s gift for what it is because it is a precious one. Forgive yourself and move on.”
Wyatt looks at Nate when he says that last line, and I know his message has a double meaning.
“This is a lot to fucking process, Wyatt. Next time you have secrets, you need to come with tequila.”
He chuckles. “No more secrets, Sawyer. They suck.”
Wyatt stands and puts Nate in his crib before pulling me into a hug. “I’m going to go see Mel now. Once this all sinks in, I hope it helps.”
“Me too. See you soon?”
“You won’t be able to keep me away now.”
Later that night, I laid in bed for hours listening to music and processing what Wyatt had said. While “Head Above Water” by Theory of a Deadman plays in the background, I realize how much the lyrics mimic my life right now. For months, I’ve been trying to keep up and move from one day to the next. I’m not sure that’s going to happen if I don’t take Wyatt’s advice and forgive myself, I’m just not certain if I’ll ever be able to. When the song changes to “Save Myself” by Ed Sheeran, I lose it. The music player is on shuffle, and I swear it’s like Noah hand-selected that song for me.
“I hear you, Noah. It’s all a bit much to handle right now, but I’m trying, I promise. Damn, I miss you.”
Eventually, I’m going to have to stop having random discussions with my brother, but for now, they help keep me grounded.
Birthday Blues
The weekend of my birthday was full of surprises. Mel held a family meeting and announced a foundation for Noah, one she wanted the entire family to be a part of. Mel threw her entire financial backing into the project, and she also agreed to release Noah’s EP.
Her announcement took the focus off my birthday, which I was grateful for. Without Noah, it isn’t a happy occasion anymore.
When everyone left, Mel and I continued drinking and talking into the night. Mel confessed she has a Weston tattoo—it was her Christmas gift to Noah. I was shocked. Princess has never struck me as the tattoo type. I couldn’t shake the idea of her tattoo or the sudden desire to see it for myself. Those thoughts could lead me down a dangerous path if I’m not careful.
A few minutes later, she moved in to kiss my cheek. I was putting my drink down and she accidentally got my lips instead. We brushed it off, but after she went to bed, it was all I could think about.
It was just a quick kiss, and it shouldn’t have affected me, but it did. Fuck. I can’t allow myself to go down this road again.
We got our birthday tattoos the following evening. Watching Mel get inked was seriously hot. I know it shouldn’t have been. Internally, I berated myself all night. We were getting memorial tattoos for Noah, for fuck's sake. But as the night wore on and we started drinking away the pain, I let myself imagine the what ifs.
After a few too many drinks, Mel was a bit unsteady on her feet. I helped her into bed and kissed her goodnight. The kiss was brief, a light brush of my lips over hers, but it wasn’t a familial kiss in the least. All those emotions I’d buried deep inside came rushing back, and that’s how I knew I was in too deep.
Over the next few months, Mel and I continue to grow closer. When the ten-month anniversary of Noah’s death rolls around, the morning starts off rough. I know if I don’t get out of the house, Mel and I will get drunk and I’ll do something I’ll regret. With each passing day, it’s becoming increasingly difficult not to touch her … or kiss her. I want to be the one who takes away her pain with my words and affection. It’s a messed-up situation all the way around. I’m beginning to think she feels the same way, but I’m not ready to take that risk in case I’m wrong. Besides, Noah hasn’t even been gone a year.
Instead of moping around the house, I reschedule my date with Lola for tonight. I’m trying to psyche myself up and hoping we can have a good time together, but it’s hard.
If the date’s a bust, I can always head over to the bar and hook up with someone there. Maybe getting laid will knock Mel out of my orbit for a bit. After tucking a couple of condoms in my wallet, I grab my keys and head out to say bye to Mel.
Mel looks up at me, and her mouth falls open before she slams it shut. Her gaze flicks over me from head to toe, and she raises a brow. “Going somewhere?”
“Yeah, I’m taking Lola out tonight.”
Why does it hurt to tell her that?
“I thought you didn’t like her?”
“She’s been there for me, Mel. I feel like I owe it to her, and maybe to myself, to try to see where this goes.” Okay, that was a slight exaggeration, but still, I don’t need to defend myself. I haven’t done anything wrong.
“Oh, well … um … okay. Have fun.”
“Sure thing.” I turn toward the front door.
“Hey, Sawyer?” she calls out, and I turn to face her.
“Yeah, Mel?”
“Just be safe tonight, okay?”
Oh man, she’s worried. Now I feel like a jerk. “Of course.”
All the way to Lola’s I talk myself out of turning around and going back home to spend the evening with Mel. It’s where I’d rather be, but I can’t spend my life pining over someone I can’t have. That’s exactly what will happen if I stay home. Or worse, I’ll act on my impulses.
When I get to Lola’s house, she’s already waiting on the porch. That’s odd. She hops in the car with a huge smile.
“Hey, Sawyer! I’m so glad we’re finally doing this!”
As she clicks her seatbelt into place, I rake my gaze over her shapely legs. She looks nice in a black skirt, black heels, and a red top. Her makeup is a bit heavy for my taste, but that’s how Lola’s always been.
“Hey, Lola, me too. Sorry it took so long. Things have been crazy.”
“No kidding, I’m still tripping about Noah. If that were my brother, I don’t know what I’d do. Well … duh, you already know how hard it is. Shit. Sorry, I don’t know how to talk about this kind of thing.”
Jesus, is she still in high school? No, that’s not fair; she’s probably just nervous.
“It’s cool, don’t worry about it. Tell me about your day.”
While Lola goes on about her trip to the mall with a friend of hers, I’m already regretting this date. Anna was right when she said some people never change. When we arrive at Duke’s, I tip the valet handsomely and ask him to keep the car close. Lola isn’t even paying attention. If I’m lucky, I can get out of here after a burger and a beer and hit up Just an Illusion to see J and Sasha instead.
Once we’re seated and have made small talk through the ordering process, Lola starts running her leg up mine underneath the table. I flash her my fangirl smile, and she practically melts in a puddle. Figures, she’s just looking for a celebrity fuck. Not that I’ve ever been opposed, but it’s not going to happen with her.
“How is Noah’s wife holding up? It must be so hard with a baby.”
“Mel’s doing better. Taking it day by day, you know?”
“Totally. And Darren too, right? His girlfriend died as well?”
Does she not remember any of our talks? I’m positive we’ve gone over this.
“Yeah, he’s doing okay. His focus is on Cadence, where it should be. He and Mel are working through it. It helps since Belle was Mel’s sister.”
“I didn’t know Mel was black!”
The fuck?
“They’re not biological sisters.”
“Oh, gotcha! Well, maybe her and Darren will hook up now that they’re single parents and all.”
“That won’t be happening.” She’s fucking nuts, and I need to pretend what she’s saying isn’t fazing me. Something’s not right.
“You never know. People end up coming together in strange ways when bad things happen. I mean, look at us. Did you ever think we’d end up on an actual date?”
“No, I can honestly say it never crossed my mind.”
The waiter brings our food, and I’ve already got a big tip planned for him. One perk of being a celebrity and a local is knowing the waitstaff. They rush the orders to keep you coming back. During dinner, she keeps brushing her leg against mine. I wish she’d stop—it’s not sexy at all, just annoying. While I eat, she talks about her job in customer service, but she barely eats a bite of her food.
“Is your dinner okay?”
She stops stirring her ketchup with a fry and looks up at me. “Yeah, I’m just not very hungry.”
I take the opportunity to flash her the biggest panty-melting smile I have. “It’s okay. How about we get out of here? You can take it to go.”
She looks relieved even as she runs her arm up mine. Her physical motions scream she wants to fuck, but she doesn’t look happy. This has to be the worst date ever, but I don’t date, so I don’t exactly have a point of reference.
“That would be great. My boyfriend doesn’t like it when I’m gone too long.”
This keeps getting better and better. It’s an out for me, so I’m going to take it.
“Well, we don’t want him to worry. I didn’t realize you were dating. Is it serious?”
She goes on and on about this guy as the waiter wraps her food and gets the check. I sent him to call for my car so that we can leave right away. I can’t wait to drop her off and go get a drink.
“Wow! Look at you getting the celebrity treatment,” she says as she climbs inside the waiting car. “Actually, that’s what I was hoping to talk to you about.”
My phone pings with an incoming message, and I pull the car off to the side of the parking lot. “Sorry, I need to check this. It might be about Nate.”
“Yeah, no problem,” she replies, digging through her purse. “It’s so cool of you to take care of Noah’s kid. Most guys wouldn’t do that.”
“Well, I’m not most guys.”
Wyatt: I heard through the grapevine that you’re making some poor life choices tonight and I’m supposed to be your voice of reason.
I laugh out loud and glance over at Lola, and my eyes practically bug out of my head. She’s not paying one bit of attention to me, but she is doing a line of coke in my fucking car. On my dashboard of all places. Motherfucker.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Wyatt: You’re not out with Lola?
Not for long, I’ll call you later. I gotta deal with something.
I text Ryan since he’s on duty tonight.
I’m on my way back. I’ll be there in less than fifteen minutes. I need you to take Lola home; she’s high.
Ryan: I’ll have the car running.
Lola has already wiped the dash and is ready to go when I put my phone away. I don’t need this shit right now.
“Look, I have to deal with some family stuff. My security guard is going to drop you back at your house.”
“Cool, so look … my boyfriend is kind of a big deal. He’s the supplier to all the local celebrities, and his drugs are top-notch and totally pure. I was hoping you could introduce him to your friends.”
Will this night never end? Gripping the steering wheel, I try to stay within the speed limit because I have no idea what kind of inventory she has on her. Whatever she has would likely get us both arrested if we were to be pulled over, not to mention the field day the press would have.
“Lola, that’s not my scene.”
“Sure, it is. You’re one of the biggest celebrities ever!”
I forgot how hard it is to talk to someone when they’re high.
“No, I mean the drugs. We don’t use them, and we don’t knowingly hang out with people who do.”
She laughs like that’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard.
“You’re joking, right? Everyone in the business is taking some
drug or another, and I’m telling you, Sawyer, my man is basically the keeper of the drug kingdom. He sent me with a sample for you to try.”
“I don’t do drugs, and I won’t be trying anything.” We’re pulling into my gate now, and I can’t wait to get rid of her. At this point, I’m just going to get drunk with Mel and have a few laughs over this. I’m not in the mood to go out anymore.
Ryan opens her door, and it’s awkward.
“Let me walk you to the door. It’s the least I can do since you bought me dinner.”
Okay, I can handle one quick hug goodbye. I open the front door and step inside. The music Mel’s listening to greets my ears and helps calm me. Going out tonight was a bad idea. I would have been much happier here.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Mel and pull Lola in for a hug. She reaches for a baggie of coke and stuffs it in my pocket while whispering in my ear. “Just in case.”
Knowing Mel is within viewing distance has me flustered, and I walk Lola back to the car. After they take off and the gate closes behind them, I can breathe a little easier. That is until I step inside of the house and hear Mel screaming.
“Dammit, Noah, what do I do now?”
I rush inside and turn her to me. “Princess, what’s wrong?”
“Don’t fucking touch me!”
Quickly releasing her, I rake my gaze over her to be sure she’s in one piece. “Seriously, Mel, you’re freaking me out. What’s wrong?”
“You have the audacity to ask me that?” Fire rages in her eyes. It seems like jealousy but also something more.
“Is this about Lola? It was dinner, Mel. I didn’t even kiss her.”
She brings her hands together in a slow clap. “Well, fucking bravo for you. Were you too high to get it up, or were you just using her to score?”