Just an Illusion - Encore

by D. Kelly

I reach into my pocket, and it’s empty. Even I can admit this looks bad.

  She waves the baggie in the air. “Looking for this?”

  “It’s not what you think, Mel. I can explain.”

  “Tell it to someone who cares, Sawyer. I’m done! I will put up with a lot of shit, but this isn’t part of it. How long have you been using?”

  Anger courses through me. I was willing to explain, but she doesn’t get to assume I’m an addict. Leaning casually against the counter, I cross my arms, playing it way cooler than I feel right now. “Is that what you think of me now? That I’m a druggie addict liar? Do you know me at all?”

  Now she’s crying. No, don’t cry, Mel. That’s the last thing I want.

  “I thought I did, Sawyer, but I’m not sure anyone has ever surprised me more.” She tosses the baggie on the table and storms off. She’s pissed. I even hear her lock snap into place, and she never locks her door.

  With the baggie in hand, I cross over to the sink and dump the powder down the drain. When I’m finished, I’m oddly proud of myself. I dumped drugs without a second thought.

  How about that, big brother?

  The Sawyer who existed a few years ago would have found any number of reasons to keep those drugs. Now, if I can only figure out how to make this right with Mel.

  Mel’s cries echo down the hall for the next hour or so. After knocking back a couple of shots, I text Wyatt and fill him in on the night’s events. By the time I finish a couple of beers, I want to kick myself for even leaving the house tonight. Going out on the anniversary of this day was a bad idea from the get-go. And doing it with Lola … What the fuck was I thinking? Listening to Mel’s sobs breaks my heart. I did learn one thing tonight though: Mel was jealous. I haven’t had any girlfriends to know jealousy well, but I experienced the emotion enough when I wanted Mel when she was with Noah.

  The realization has me taking a few more shots. Mel has feelings for me, and I most definitely have them for her. It doesn’t matter how hard I’ve tried to push them away, they’ve always been there. My feelings for her are complicated because they’re shrouded in guilt and shame, but the one thing that makes it seem a little less shameful is that Noah basically absolved me from any sin regarding it. Loving my brother's wife is wrong on so many levels, but can it really be so bad if she might love me back?

  It seems like forever before morning comes and when it does, Mel gives me a scare. When I enter her room, there are open suitcases spread out on her bed. I’m terrified of what it all means, and I think she can tell because she softens toward me. She allows me to explain what really happened last night. She’s so relieved, she agrees to go out with me for a few hours.

  We went to breakfast and the farmers market. I know it was just an outing for her, but for me, it was more of a date than the one I had with Lola last night. I’m completely fucked. All my feelings for Mel have returned, and it’s hard as hell to deal with. My mood lightens a bit as we do some birthday shopping for Nate. I might have gone a bit overboard, but my nephew only turns one once, and we need to step it up and make it count for Noah too.

  We’ve only been home a little while when Veronica drops off the kids. I’m on the couch answering some emails, and Mel is changing Cadence on the floor. She’s such a natural with them, it’s hard to believe she ever closed herself off. I should be working, but I can’t take my eyes off them, and that’s when I see Nate crawling toward me. I put my computer to the side knowing it’s only a few seconds before he reaches me.

  Nate pulls on the leg of my pants and catches my eye. “Dada.”

  All it takes is one word to steal the oxygen from my lungs. I had no clue it could happen so fast.

  Mel’s eyes lock on mine, and she nods for me to pick him up. It doesn’t seem like she knows what to say either. I’ll play this cool. I can do this.

  “Hey, little man.” I point to myself. “Uncle Sawyer.”

  “Dada.”

  With a measured breath, I reply again, “Uncle Sawyer.” Nate thinks it’s a joke and laughs.

  “Dada.”

  “I’m sorry, Mel. I don’t know what to do but to keep saying it.”

  “It’s okay, Sawyer. It’s natural, right? He sees Cadence call Darren that all the time and to him you’re his Darren. It only makes sense.”

  Her permission doesn’t make it right, and it doesn’t lessen the pain at all. My eyes are filled with tears, and I pull Nate into a big hug. I’d give anything to have Noah here for this.

  “You’ve got the best dad in the world, Nate, he’s just not here to do his job. You’ve got Uncle Sawyer, though, and I may not be the best but I make a pretty good substitute.”

  Mel hugs Cadence to her. “You are the best substitute, Sawyer. Thank you.”

  “Ahmel,” Cadence says before opening her mouth and kissing Mel with a bunch of drool running off her lips. It’s adorable and kind of gross, but it makes Princess laugh, which has Cadence laughing too.

  After we put the kids to bed, Mel and I meet up in my room as usual. We try to talk business, but we’re both a little down tonight.

  “Mel, I’m sorry about earlier.”

  “There’s nothing to be sorry for. I hate that Noah isn’t here for this, but it does sort of make me proud that Nate is smart enough to realize that’s what you are to him.”

  “No, I’m not.” Nope, not happening. Noah is Nate’s dad. I know she’s trying to make this okay because she has a good heart, but it’s just not.

  “I know, Sawyer, but you are in all the ways that matter. He’s too little to understand it now, but he knows who protects him and keeps him safe. Biology doesn’t make a parent, Sawyer.”

  “No, it doesn’t, but love does. Noah loved the fuck out of him.”

  Her beautiful eyes lock on mine, and they’re filled with sadness and acceptance. “He did, and it’s what makes this all the more tragic. We can show Nate videos and photos and tell him until we’re blue in the face how much Noah loved him.”

  “And we will.” I feel bad for snapping at her and take a deep breath.

  “Yes, of course we will. But at the end of the day, it’s your love he has. It’s your hugs that make him feel safe, it’s your voice that sings him to sleep. I know you want to be a part of his life, Sawyer, but I think over the next year or so you’re going to have to decide how big of a role you want because he’s already attached.”

  Does she think I haven’t thought about this every day since the accident? I made promises to Noah that night, but over the past ten months, I’ve made them to myself as well. I may not have any rights to Nate, but as long as Princess is letting me take the lead role in his life, I’m going to cherish it for as long as it lasts.

  “There’s no deciding. I want it all, Mel.”

  Mel nods thoughtfully. “But your future wife might not, and your future kids may not understand. You really need to think long and hard about this.”

  I don’t give a fuck about a fake future woman when the only one I’ve ever wanted is sitting close enough to drive me wild.

  “There’s nothing to think about. Any woman who doesn’t understand this isn’t the kind of woman I’d want to spend my life with.”

  “Fair enough.”

  That was easier than I thought. Her body relaxes, and she exhales softly as her relief settles in. Our lives are so intertwined, I imagine it would be hard for her to think about me bowing out. Just like it kills me to think about her ever finding someone new and raising Nate with him. Even if Mel and I never get a chance to have a future together, I’d happily live the rest of my days playing mock family with her and Nate. They are my entire world these days. I don’t ever want to find out who I’d become without them.

  Changes

  “Hey, Sawyer, got a minute?”

  Darren collapses on my bed, and I put my phone down. “Yeah, what’s going on? I thought you were going to your parents’ house for the night.”

  He leans forward and runs his hands through his hai
r. “I did, and then I went to the bar and did something incredibly stupid.”

  I move over on the bed, and he makes himself comfortable. “I’ve done my share of stupid shit, you know. Were you at Just an Illusion?”

  “Yeah. Fuck, Sawyer …” Darren begins to cry full-body sobs.

  He doesn’t need to tell me what happened—I already know. I throw my arm over him, and we hug. I’ve become a lot more touchy-feely with my brothers this past year but with good reason. In my younger years, I would have talked shit, but I guess I understand the value of true friendship at this point in my life.

  “Darren, I know it sucks, but it was just sex. This is going to sound shitty, but Belle would want you to keep getting your freak on if you’re ready.”

  He snorts and leans back, swiping at his tears. “I wasn’t ready. I wanted to be. Fuck, I thought I could get drunk and get it over with. I took her into J’s bathroom, but halfway through it hit me all at once she wasn’t Belle. I powered through, got her out of J’s office, and had Ryan bring me home.”

  Cadence is spending the night with his parents, so he’s got the rest of the night to deal with this.

  “Want to get drunk?”

  “Hell yeah.”

  Darren isn’t ready for Mel to know what’s going on, so we take our alcohol to the garage. A few drinks later, he starts talking.

  “The girl was hot. I mean, she was Belle’s total opposite, but I thought that would be best, you know? Tall, blonde, legs for days …”

  “You just weren’t ready.” I pass him another beer. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”

  “I want to be ready. It’s been a year, Sawyer, a fucking year with no sex.”

  “If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t had sex in thirteen months.”

  He blinks and then laughs. “I knew that, but when you say it out loud it makes me feel marginally better. Are you going to take care of that anytime soon?”

  “Want the truth?”

  “I sure as fuck don’t want the lie.”

  I blow out a breath and lean back in my chair. “The only person I want to fuck is Mel, and as much as I feel like she’s thawing toward me, I don’t think she’s ready either. So the answer is no. I’m not taking care of it anytime soon.”

  A slow grin spreads on his face. “You finally made your choice. I’m happy for you, Sawyer. What about the guilt?”

  “It’s still there, but I’m trying not to let it stop me. Noah tried really hard to let me know it would be okay, and I never thought after the accident I would find myself here again, but this past year …”

  “It’s changed us all.”

  “Yeah, exactly. Tonight, with the girl, did you get any pleasure from it at all?”

  He shakes his head as he flicks his beer cap into the trash. “No, it was like watching bad porn. I came but not without a lot of effort and even more guilt.”

  “Yeah, that’s what I figured.”

  “Sawyer, Mel isn’t me, and you guys have a completely different relationship. I picked up a stranger in a bar to get my post-Belle fuck over with. It’s not the same. When you and Mel finally take that step, she’s not going to feel like I do.”

  I point over his shoulder at the picture of the band on the wall. It’s our first poster we ever did. “Those guys would have never guessed what was going to happen to their lives.”

  “Those guys would have never been able to get girls like Mel and Belle in the first place. Sawyer, stop deflecting. Mel loves you, and maybe she’s not ready to accept it yet, but we both know she feels it. What is your biggest fear? Plan for that, and anything else will be a cakewalk.”

  My beer bottle breaks when I toss it in the trash. Oops. “My biggest fear? I’ve got a ton. I’m afraid she’ll call me Noah during sex. Or that she’ll cry for Noah during sex. Or that she’ll never accept the possibility of the two of us making a go of things. I’ve got an endless list.”

  “All right,” he says, slurring a bit. “She gets a hall pass once if she calls you Noah. It’s fucked up, but you are twins and he was her husband. If she cries for Noah, well … you gotta give her a pass on that too. Her husband died, and that’s some fucked-up shit for anyone. I cried too. As for the two of you … Sawyer … man …” He looks up and smiles brightly for the first time tonight. “You and Mel were written in the stars. We can all see it, the two of you feel it, and even Noah knew it. You just gotta give it time.”

  “I’m working on it. How are you feeling now?”

  “Being down here makes me want to work on some music. Maybe I’ll play my drums and work out my feelings that way. I’ll be okay. I’m just going to put the brakes on the sex for a bit until I’m ready or so fucking horny that I’m willing to go through this all over again.”

  I’m exhausted, and we have Nate’s birthday party tomorrow. “You can always use your hand.”

  “Dude, I’ve used my hand so much I’m going to get carpal tunnel.”

  His words make me laugh. “Welcome to the club. Stay down here and play. I’m going to bed. I promised Mel I’d pick up everything for the party in the morning.”

  “Hey, Sawyer,” he calls out when I’m halfway up the stairs. “Do you think we’ll ever make new music again? Even just for fun?”

  I look around the studio and longing hits me hard. “I sure the fuck hope so.”

  Today was Nate’s birthday party. We all seemed to handle it okay, a bit of sadness here and there, but it was an improvement from the holidays. It’s one of those things that makes me happy because things are normalizing again.

  Today also marks the one-year anniversary of losing Noah, and I’ve made a promise to myself to start living again. It’s hard because I miss him with every breath I take, but I know he wouldn’t want us lingering around like this. Living but not existing isn’t really living at all. I’m making it my mission to be happy this year and to get Mel used to living again too.

  My goal tonight is to convince her to go to a club with me next week. It will be fun, and I’ll take her somewhere low-key where she can be herself for a change and not have to worry about photographers or fans.

  I watch from the doorway as she puts Nate to sleep. It’s one of my favorite things to do. Noah would be proud of how far she’s come since the accident. I know I am.

  Mel looks toward me, and I flash her a smile. “Ready to get drunk?”

  She grabs the monitor, and we close the nursery door.

  “So completely ready to get drunk. Who is still here?”

  “Just us and Darren, but he said he wanted to be alone with Cadence tonight and went to his room already.”

  She seems immediately sadder. “Do you think we should get him anyway?”

  “No, I think he needs time with his little girl to remember Belle. Go sit down, you’ve been going all day. I’ll get the stuff and bring it to the couch.”

  Mel and I chat casually as I gather everything we need to drown our sorrows. Our conversation grows more sexually charged with each shot we consume.

  We’re asking for trouble if we keep drinking at this rate, but as the alcohol settles in and warms my blood, I don’t even care. She’s just asked me about threesomes, and her eyes are dancing with happiness. It’s a beautiful thing to see.

  “Two girls and a guy, or two guys and a girl?”

  Before knocking back my shot, I flash her a smirk. “Both.”

  “With Darren?”

  Here we go … “A few times.”

  “With two guys, do you … do stuff with the guys?” I pour another shot and she squeals. “Oh my God, you did! With Darren?”

  Darren and I have done some crazy shit, but our cocks have never crossed. “Fuck no. Why are we talking about this?”

  She grins. “Because I’m seriously intrigued. How far have you gone with another guy, Sawyer?”

  “Intrigued in a good way?”

  “Hell yeah. I mean, I don’t know about most women, but I know Belle and I both thought the idea of a three
some with two bisexual men is seriously hot.”

  My cock twitches at the thought and my gaze rakes over her. I should stop this conversation in its tracks, but the old Sawyer wouldn’t— I kind of miss him right now. “Don’t get too excited, Princess. I’ve only kissed another guy once and it wasn’t for me. I’m a pussy connoisseur, not a dick enthusiast. But, uh …” I can’t believe I just admitted that to her.

  “What? Tell me. I won’t tell anyone, I promise.”

  “Let’s just say it was kind of a fantasy fulfillment night so I let him go down on me with her.”

  “Was it hot?”

  Not as hot as it would be if you went down on me.

  “Yeah, but I closed my eyes. It was more of the two mouths at once that was hot. They were a couple and it was like a holy grail fuck for them because of who I am. I get the appeal, but at the end of the day I just want to sink into a tight, hot, wet pussy.”

  “Jesus, Sawyer!” Her mock offense is cute.

  “You asked, Princess,” I reply, pouring our next shots.

  “Were you high?”

  “As a fucking kite.”

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure,” we toss back our shots.

  “How long has it been since you’ve had sex?”

  Too fucking long.

  “Fourth of July weekend last year, when I spent the rest of our downtime with J.”

  “Wow, that’s a long time.”

  You’re telling me. I’m drunk and lean back on the couch. Mel follows my lead, leaning her head on my shoulder. She smells like the beach and sunshine, and I wish more than anything I could kiss her. It’s a bad idea, I’m tired of making mistakes with her while we’re drunk. If I’m going to make a move, I want to do it sober for a change.

  “There hasn’t really been an opportunity, I guess, and it just hasn’t been a priority. I’ve had my hands full lately.”

  “Mmhm. With your cock, I’m guessing.”

  I can’t believe she just said that.

  Laughter rumbles through me. “You’re so fucking drunk, Mel, but I like it. You let your guard down. I’ll tell you all about my hand if you tell me how many times you’ve gotten yourself off lately.”