After Emma drops me off, I head up to my flat to have a quick shower. It’s weird being here alone now. Although towards the end Taylor wasn’t around much, it’s still strange knowing he isn’t going to appear at some point.
I pull on some comfortable clothes and don’t bother doing anything with my hair before heading upstairs to sort Shelia out. Since the day I helped her settle back in, I’ve been helping her out with her chores. She’s so grateful for the help, she’s insisted on paying me. I refused to accept it for a long time, but I had to cave in the end, and if I’m honest the money is a great help now I’m pregnant and unemployed. I’ve picked up some shifts in Mum’s coffee shop, so that, along with the little bit that Shelia gives me, is keeping me going at the moment.
I’ve only made one purchase with the money Lucas stashed in my account, and I’m determined not to spend any more, but I couldn’t resist buying myself a more comfortable bed. I put up with aching hips for a week before I headed to the bed shop for an upgrade. So far, it’s the best purchase I’ve ever made.
I’m not in Shelia’s flat five minutes before I discover how Lucas found me at my yoga class. Shelia is angry with him after everything I’ve told her, but I still feel like she might have a sweet spot for him, even though she’s only met him briefly. She spends the rest of my visit telling me I need to hear him out, that holding off will only make everything harder.
I know she’s right. I’d like to have everything sorted out between us before these two appear. I’m just not sure I want to hear it. There have been weeks where it was all I wanted—to open the front door and find him stood there. But I’ve grown since then. I’ve realised that I don’t need him, that I can do this alone. I don’t want to, but I know I can.
* * *
It seems being able to ignore Lucas now he has reappeared is going to be impossible. I look around my living room at all the deliveries I’ve received throughout this week and sigh. It’s covered with bunches of all colours of lilies, boxes of chocolates, and some mummy-to-be sets.
I decide I’ve put it off long enough and unlock my phone. I find his name and stare at it for a few seconds as I try to decide if this is the right thing to do or not.
“Lilly,” he says, sounding relieved.
“You can’t buy me back, Lucas,” I snap, a little harsher than I intended. I didn’t ring for a fight.
“I know that. I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you. That I never stopped, Lilly.”
“It would have saved you a lot of brain power if you’d just stuck around.” I hear his sharp intake of breath at my words. It makes me want to apologise for being short with him, but I stand my ground. He’s in the wrong here.
“Please can we talk? I could come over,” he asks, hope in his voice. This was what I was afraid of—that I would reach out and suddenly he would think everything was okay.
“NO,” I shout in panic
“No?”
“Don’t come here.” I don’t trust myself. I’m already struggling with my pregnancy-heightened sex drive; I really don’t need to be alone in the same room as him. I’ll end up climbing him or something embarrassing. “I’ll meet you in the coffee shop around the corner.”
“What I need to tell you isn’t something I want to discuss in public, Lilly.”
“Well, that’s all I’m offering. Take it or leave it.”
“Okay. I’ll meet you there in thirty minutes.”
I was hoping for a little more time to prepare but I mutter my agreement and head back to my bedroom to get ready.
I’m just walking through the main door to my building when my phone starts ringing. Hope flares that it might me Lucas cancelling and I won’t have to do this, but the second I pull my phone out and see Nicole’s name, I hate to say I’m a little disappointed, although I’m kind of relieved I now have a reason to be late.
I sit down on the bench overlooking the grounds and put my phone to my ear.
“Lilly, I’m so sorry I didn’t get back to you last night. I had a bit of a crazy day with mum.”
“It’s okay, don’t worry.”
“Everything’s okay with the babies then, I’m guessing, looking at the scan picture.”
“Yes ,they’re perfect. Lucas showed up.”
“NO!”
“Yep, just sat there in the waiting room. I couldn’t believe it.”
“Fucking dick,” Nic mutters under her breath. “What did you do?”
“What could I do? We were in a hospital, and he is the dad, after all.”
“You let him in?”
“Of course. I can put aside how he’s treated me for the benefit of our babies.”
“Well, that’s big of you, Lills. I’m not sure I could have done the same thing. Do you think you’ll see him again?”
“I’m actually on my way to meet him now. You’re currently making me suitably late. I’m quite happy for him to sit there, sweating about whether I’m going to turn up or not.”
“I can’t believe you haven’t told him where to stick it.” I think if any one of my friends were in my current situation, I would be saying exactly the same things, but it’s different when it’s actually happening to you. They don’t know Lucas like I do. I know he’s not a horrible person. I’m pretty sure that whatever made him run off was to do with the skeletons in his closet about his own childhood. It will be different if I discover I’m wrong, and it’s because he thinks I got myself pregnant on purpose to trap him or something. I try not to let thoughts like that enter my head, because I’m pretty sure he knows me better than that as well, and that he believed me when I told him I didn’t think falling pregnant was a possibility.
“I think there’s more to it. He has a reason.”
“No reason is good enough to do what he did, Lilly. He abandoned you.”
“I know,” I whisper as the hurt I’ve been dealing with the last few weeks creeps its way back in. “How’re things with you?” I ask, changing the subject. I’m already in for an afternoon discussing the situation with Lucas; I could do without it now.
“Same. She’s still declining, just slowly. It feels like it’s never-ending.” I hate hearing her sound so defeated, and I hate even more that me wishing for it to get better means I’m wishing for her mum to pass away.
We chat for a while longer before I decide I’ve probably made him wait long enough. We say our goodbyes and I hang up. She won’t tell me what she plans to do when her mum’s gone. I have no idea if she’s planning on staying up there or even moving to the other side of the world. She won’t commit to anything. I totally understand why, but I’d love to know she’s possibly considering a move back down here. We may not be family by blood, but she’s my sister in every other way, and I know my parents love her. Dec not so much, but he’s not here anyway.
Thinking about my brother makes my heart a little heavy. I really miss him at the moment. I mean, I always miss him, but since finding out I’m pregnant it’s even worse. We’ve gone through everything in life together, and I hate not having him here for this. It’s made me think more seriously about whether to make the move down there with him, but the thought of leaving the support of my parents when I’m going to have two babies puts me off somewhat.
I let out a sigh and try to put thoughts of my future aside as I slide my phone back into my bag. Mum and Dad have offered for me to go back home so they can help, and they’ve also said I can stay in the flat rent-free, but I have no idea what I want. Ideally, I want to be with Lucas, but I have no idea if that’s going to be an option.
“I thought you’d changed your mind,” Lucas says when I step up to the table he’s sat at. I stood at the window of the coffee shop watching him for a few minutes before entering. He looked totally lost, sat there staring into space. It’s not a look I’m used to seeing on him. He usually looks so in control of everything.
The second he registered me walking through the door, his expression completely changed. Gone was the sad and
lost look, and in its place was relief. A lot of relief.
“I wouldn’t do that to you,” I say, but don’t really think about the words.
“I’m so sorry, Lilly,” Lucas says, and it makes me realise that he thought I was going to abandon him like he did me. “I got you a tea, but it’s probably cold now.” I look to the table where there’s a pot of tea, a teacup and saucer, along with a blueberry muffin.
“That’s okay. I need decaf anyway. I’ll get another one,” I say, going to move towards the counter.
“It is decaf, Lilly,” he says sadly, making me stop in my tracks and turn around. He must see the question in my eyes because he quietly says, “I’ve looked everything up. I know what you should and shouldn’t have.”
My heart melts. He may have been God knows where these last few weeks, but he’s read up on pregnancy.
“Sit down, I’ll get you a fresh pot.”
I do as I’m told and plonk my arse in the chair he pulls out for me, and watch as he walks off to get me a new tea. My heart flutters as I think about Lucas sat reading pregnancy magazines just like I have. I wonder if he’s looked at baby stuff as well. The thoughts get my hopes up that maybe he does want this and that he’s willing to deal with whatever it was that caused him to bolt.
“Here you go,” he says as he places the new pot in front of me and sits down.
We stare at each other across the table, both taking each other in. Remembering each other’s features.
He looks the same as I remember, only more stressed and tired than I’ve ever seen him before.
I open my mouth to say something to break the awkward silence that’s descended over us, but he beats me to it.
“You look beautiful, Lilly. I always thought it was bullshit when I heard people describe pregnant women as glowing, but you really are. Pregnancy suits you.”
“Thank you,” I mutter.
“I mean it.”
“I know.”
Another silence falls upon us. It was never this awkward between us before. It was one of the things I loved about spending time with him. I was always comfortable in his company—even at the beginning, when I thought he was a pretentious prick.
“I’m so sorry, Lilly. I never meant to hurt you. I just…I panicked and freaked out. There is no good enough excuse for what I did. It’s just…my mother was…” he looks around to see if anyone is paying us any attention. They’re not, of course, but he still pauses, which makes me think he really is uncomfortable discussing this in public.
“It’s okay, you can tell me the details another time,” I say.
“That’s why I suggested your place.”
“I can’t have you there yet. I don’t trust—” I stop myself before he gets the wrong, or right, idea. It’s too late though, because I see his eyes light up.
“I read about that too,” he admits with a sudden sparkle in his eye.
“You left, Lucas. I was waiting for you to come up and you just disappeared. How do you think that felt? I’d just received the most shocking news of my life and the one person I needed upped and left,” I say, reminding him of why we’re here. My libido might be raging with hormones, but I will not allow him to think everything is okay. “I had no idea if you were mad because of me, whether you thought I’d done it on purpose or if you just didn’t want anything to do with them and were too weak to tell me to my face. I was a mess, Luc, and you just left me.” I don’t mean to lay it all out there like that, and the look on his face makes me feel awful for bringing it all up in one go, but I was annoyed by his earlier hope that I’d allow him to pick up where we left off. “You left me, and everyone else had to pick up the pieces.”
He scoots his chair closer to me when he sees me start to get upset, but he doesn’t reach out to touch me. “Lilly, I’m so sorry. Trust me, it wasn’t anything to do with you or these,” he admits as he tentatively reaches out a hand and places it on my belly. He looks up to my eyes and he relaxes when he realises I’m okay with his hand there. “It was me, my fears for what kind of father I might be. I’m so scared I’ll turn into her. I freaked out. I should have talked to you, I know, but the thought of telling you all that ugliness when you should have been happy…I just couldn’t do it.”
“And you thought leaving would hurt me less than you telling me all that?”
“I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking straight. I was just thinking of the damage I could do to them,” he says, rubbing my belly gently. “To you.”
“You can’t hurt me more by being here, Lucas. We need you.”
Hope flares in his eyes and his lips quirk up at the corners in the beginnings of a smile. I feel the same hope begin to bubble up in my belly. Maybe this is all going to be okay and I’m not going to have to choose between living as a single mum in my flat or with my parents. Maybe my babies will have two parents who are together. That’s still a few too many maybes for my liking, but it’s better than an hour ago.
Chapter Sixteen
Lucas
I thought she was going to back away from me when I reached out to her belly. I’ve been gone for weeks, and I’ve already missed so much. It’s such a weird feeling, being so far away from someone but feeling so connected to them at the same time. She’s the one carrying them, and I’ve only seen scan pictures, but I already know these two in here are going to rule my life—along with their mother, of course.
I never wanted kids. I never wanted to get the chance to find out if I would be like her or not. I’m still petrified that old habits will resurface when things get tough, but I’m getting more and more convinced that with Lilly by my side, those things won’t happen. She seems, rightly or wrongly, to have faith in me, so I need to have some in myself. I can be a good man for her and I can be a good father to my children, I tell myself.
“Whoa, what was that?” I ask when I feel something weird beneath my palm. It’s kind of like a flutter of a butterfly wing against my skin.
“They’re kicking. Give me your other hand.” I lift my arm and she directs my hand to the right spot and presses down.
“Oh my God, that’s incredible. How long have they been doing that?”
“It’s only this week I’ve been able to feel it with my hand. Before that, it kind of felt like I kept getting a sudden belt of nerves. It’s quite early to feel them but it’s more common with twins and the consultant said they are already a good size, so getting a little squished up in there.”
I can’t help the wide smile that stretches across my face as I think about my babies already fighting with each other in there like Marcus and I used to do.
“Have you bought anything yet?”
“No. Everyone has tried to get me out shopping but I’ve been holding off. I think I was holding out hope that their father might reappear and we could do it together.”
“Let’s go then,” I say, before finishing my coffee and standing up.
“Could I eat this first?” Lilly asks, looking longingly at the muffin. It’s a nice change to see her wanting to eat.
“Sorry, of course.”
“I have to eat every two hours, otherwise it’s like I’m starving.”
“Tell me what symptoms you’ve had. Any morning sickness? Any cravings?”
I sit and listen like it’s the most important information in the world as Lilly explains about the weeks I’ve missed. When she’s finished her muffin, we walk out together. Just like I hoped we would.
We spend the afternoon visiting every baby shop I can find in the area. I’ve spent hours online looking at everything they’re going to need, much to Lilly’s surprise. I don’t think she’s done the same; she’s been putting it all off. To be fair though, she had enough other stuff to deal with, along with growing them.
“I’ve got a shortlist of three double buggies I thought might be good,” I admit when we stop in another coffee shop to feed Lilly again. I never thought I’d see her eat like this.
“What?” she asks around a mouthful of
cheese sandwich.
“I have a shortlist—”
“That’s what I thought you said. You really do want to be involved with this, don’t you?” The fact she still doubts me stings a little, but it’s only what I deserve.
“Yes. The first few minutes after finding out were a little weird, but I’ve known all along that I wanted this—them—with you. It was my shit I couldn’t cope with. It wasn’t because I didn’t want them.
By the time we get back to Lilly’s flat, we are loaded down with stuff, most of which I never in a million years thought I’d buy. We ordered a pushchair after discussing each one’s pros and cons over a coffee and decaf tea together, and then again with the sales assistant. Because we know the sex of the babies, we were able to have the fabric parts the correct colour, so one half is baby pink and cream and the other baby blue. For something I never thought I’d buy, let alone research, it’s safe to say I’m pretty excited about it, much to Lilly’s amusement.
I don’t know about her, but spending time together this afternoon has been like the last few weeks never happened. It’s safe to say I’m brought back to earth with a bump when we unload the shopping at Lilly’s building and she hesitates when I go to help her up.
“Let me just carry it all up. I can leave it in your living room if you don’t want me there.”
I hate myself again for the pain I’ve caused her. The sight of her confusion as to whether she should allow me in or not guts me.
“Okay, thank you,” she says quietly.
Once everything is up, we stand looking at each other awkwardly for a few minutes. I desperately want to pull her into my arms but I know I need to take my cues from her, and her body language is currently telling me to stay away.
“Thank you for allowing me today. I really appreciate it. When can I see you again?”
“I don’t know, Luc. It’s going to take time.”
“I understand,” I say sadly, because I do. It doesn’t mean it’s what I want, though.
Falling For Lucas (Falling Book 6) Page 19