by J. R. Ward
Chapter Twenty-two
Xhex felt a soft brush across her shoulder and hip as John drew the sheet around her.
From behind the shelter of her hand, she inhaled and all she smelled was good, clean, healthy male. . . and the scent stirred hunger deep in her gut, her appetite and needs waking from their slumber with a roar.
And that was before John put his wrist up so close she could kiss it.
Her symphath instincts snaked out and read his emotions.
Calm and purposeful. Utterly tight in the head and the heart: John was going to save her ass if it was the last thing he did.
"John. . . " she whispered.
The problem with this situation. . . well, one of them. . . was that he wasn't alone in knowing how close to death she was.
Her anger at Lash had been a sustenance while she'd been jailed and abused, and she'd thought it would have kept her going outside as well. But the instant she'd made that call to Rehv, all her energy had drained out of her and left her nothing but a heartbeat. And not much of one at that.
John moved his wrist even closer. . . so that his skin brushed against her mouth.
Her fangs elongated in a sluggish push at the same time her heart hiccuped like it wasn't working right.
She had a choice in this quiet, charged moment: Take his vein and stick around. Deny him and die in front of him in the next hour or so. Because he was going nowhere.
Moving her hand from her face, she shifted her eyes to him. He was as beautiful as always, his face the kind of thing females dreamed of.
Lifting her palm, she reached up to him.
Surprise flared in his eyes and then he bent down so that her hand landed against his warm cheek. The effort of keeping her arm elevated proved to be too much, but as her fingers trembled, he put his own palm over hers, holding it in place.
His deep blue eyes were a kind of heaven, the color like that of a warm, darkening sky.
She had a decision to make here. Take his vein or. . .
As she couldn't find the energy to finish the thought, she felt as though she'd lost herself: going by the fact that she appeared to be conscious, she guessed she was alive--and yet she wasn't in her own skin. Her fight was long gone, the thing that had defined her most in the world having evaporated. Which made sense. She had no interest in living anymore and she couldn't fake that, not for him, not for herself.
Two trips around the prisoner park had taken her too far down.
So. . . what to do, what to do.
She licked her dry lips. She hadn't been born on any terms she would have chosen or volunteered for, and her time of breathing and eating and fighting and fucking hadn't improved where she'd started from. She could, however, leave on her terms--and do so after she had put things right.
Yeah, that was the answer. Thanks to the last three and a half weeks, she had one hell of a bucket list. Granted, there was only a single entry on it, but sometimes that was enough to motivate you.
In a rush of resolve, her hard outer skin re-formed, the odd floaty feeling that had fogged her out dissipating and leaving a sharp awareness in its wake. Abruptly, she pulled her hand out from under John's, and the withdrawal spiked a flare of pure, silvery fear on his emotional grid. But then she drew his wrist to her and bared her fangs.
His triumph was a heat wave.
At least until it became apparent that she didn't have the strength to break his skin--her incisors did nothing but scratch his surface. John was on it, though. With a fast move, he punctured his own vein and brought the source of him to her lips.
The first taste was. . . a transformation. His blood was so pure it blazed in her mouth and down her throat. . . and the fire it ignited in her stomach tore throughout her body, thawing her, enlivening her. Saving her.
With greedy pulls, she took from him to revive herself, each swallow a life raft for her to crawl into, each draw a rope slung over the cliff of her demise, each pull on his vein the compass she needed to find the trail back home.
And he gave without expectation or hope or the stirrings of emotions.
Which even in her frenzy caused her pain. She had well and truly broken his heart: There was nothing left for him to anticipate with. But she had not broken him--and didn't that make her respect the guy like nothing else could.
As she fed, time flowed as his blood did, into the infinite and into her.
When she finally had taken her fill, she released her seal on his skin and licked the wound closed.
The shaking started soon thereafter. It began in her hands and feet and quickly centralized in her chest, the uncontrollable tremors rattling her teeth and her brain and her vision until she felt as though she was a limp sock thrown in a dryer.
Through the trembling, she caught sight of John taking his cell phone out of his jacket.
She tried to snag his shirt. "N-n-n-no. D-d-don't--"
He ignored her, cocking the damn thing and texting.
"F-f-f-fuck. . . " she groaned.
When he clipped the phone shut, she said, "Y-y-you try to t-t-take me to H-H-Havers right n-now--not gonna g-g-go well. "
Her fear of clinics and medical procedures was going to throw her right over the edge, and thanks to him, she now had the energy to do something with her panic. And wasn't that going to be a joy for all of them to handle.
John took out a pad and scribbled something. He turned the thing around, and then left a moment later, and all she could do was close her eyes as the door shut.
Parting her lips, she breathed through her mouth and wondered if she had enough energy to get up, get dressed, and head out before John's bright idea showed up. Quick check told her that was a no-go. If she couldn't lift her head and hold it off the pillow for more than a second and a half, she was fucked for getting vertical.
It didn't take John long to come back in with Doc Jane, the Black Dagger Brotherhood's personal physician. The ghostly female had a black bag with her and exuded the kind of medical competence that Xhex valued-- but would infinitely have preferred to be applied to others and not herself.
Doc Jane approached and put her stuff down on the floor. Her white jacket and her scrubs were solid to the eye, though her hands and face were translucent. That all changed, however, as she sat on the edge of the bed. Everything about her took form and the hand she laid upon Xhex's arm was warm and weighted.
Even the compassionate doctor made Xhex's skin crawl, however. She really didn't want to be touched by anyone.
As the good doctor removed her hand, she had a feeling the female knew that. "Before you tell me to go, a few things you should know. First of all, I will not divulge your location to anyone and I will not share whatever you tell me or whatever I find with anybody. I will have to report that I've seen you to Wrath, but any clinical findings are yours and yours alone. "
Sounded good. In theory. But she didn't want the female anywhere near her with what was in that black bag.
Doc Jane went on. "Second, I don't know a damn thing about symphaths. So if there's something anatomically distinct or significant to that half of you. . . I'm not going to necessarily know how to treat it. Do you still consent to be seen by me?"
Xhex cleared her throat and tried to lock her shoulders so she didn't shake so much. "I don't w-want to be seen. "
"That's what John said. But you've been through a trauma--"
"It w-w-wasn't that bad. " She sensed John's emotional response to that from the corner, but didn't have the energy to tease out the details of what he was feeling. "And I'm f-f-fine--"
"Then you should view this as simply a formality. "
"Do I l-l-look like someone who's formal?"
Doc Jane's forest green stare narrowed. "You look like someone who's been beaten. Hasn't fed properly. And hasn't slept. Unless you want to tell me that purple bruise on your shoulder is makeup? And those bags under your eyes are a mirage?"
Xhex was we
ll familiar with people who wouldn't accept no for an answer--for shit's sake, she'd worked with Rehv for years. And going by that hard, level tone, it was pretty damn clear that the doctor was going to have her way or she wasn't leaving. Ever.
"G-g-g-goddamn it. "
"FYI, the sooner we start, the sooner it's over. "
Xhex glanced at John, thinking that if she had to be seen, he was so not a value-add. He really didn't need to know anything more than what he'd probably guessed about the condition she was in.
The doctor looked over her shoulder. "John, will you please wait in the hall?"
John ducked his head and bowed out of the room, the tremendous spread of his back disappearing through the door. When the lock clicked into place, the good doctor opened that fucking bag of hers and the stethoscope and the blood-pressure cuff were the first to come out.
"I'm just going to listen to your heart," the female said, putting the wishbone up to her ears.
The sight of the medical instruments was gasoline to Xhex's shivers, and as out-of-it as she was, she cringed away.
Doc Jane paused. "I'm not going to hurt you. And I won't do anything you don't want me to do. "
Xhex closed her eyes and rolled over onto her back. Every muscle in her body hurt all of a sudden. "Let's just get this over with. "
As the sheet lifted, a draft of cold air breathed over her skin and the cool disk was placed against her sternum. Flashbacks threatened to send her on a screamer-coaster, and she stared up at the ceiling, just trying to keep herself from levitating off the frickin' mattress.
"B-be fast, D-D-Doc. " She could hold the panic back for only so long.
"Could you take a deep breath for me?"
Xhex did the best she could and ended up wincing. Clearly, one or more of her ribs were broken, probably from her hitting the wall outside of that bedroom.
"Can you sit up?" Doc Jane asked.
Xhex groaned a curse as she tried to push her torso off the bed and failed. Doc Jane ended up having to help her, and when the doctor got a load of her back, she hissed a little.
"It doesn't hurt that bad," Xhex bit out.
"Somehow I doubt that. " Again with the metal disk going around. "Breath as deep as you can without hurting yourself. "
Xhex gave it a shot and was relieved when the doc's kind hand urged her back against the pillows and the sheet was floated into place once more.
"May I check your arms and legs for injury?" When Xhex shrugged, Doc Jane put her stethoscope aside and moved down the bed. There was another draft as the sheet was drawn back. . . and then the other female hesitated.
"Very deep ligation marks around your ankles," the doctor murmured, almost to herself.
Well, that was because Lash had tied her up with wire sometimes.
"Lot of bruising. . . "
Xhex stopped the inspection when the sheet was pushed up to her hips. "Let's just say they go all the way north, 'kay?"
Doc Jane resettled the sheet where it had been. "Can I palpate your belly?"
"Knock yourself out. "
Xhex stiffened at the idea of being uncovered again, but Doc Jane just stretched the sheet flat and pushed and prodded. Unfortunately, there was no hiding the winces, especially as things headed to her lower stomach.
The doc settled back and stared straight into Xhex's eyes. "Any chance you'll let me do an internal exam on you?"
"Internal as in. . . " As she got the meaning, Xhex shook her head. "Nope. Not going to happen. "
"Were you sexually assaulted?"
"No. "
Doc Jane nodded once. "Is there anything I need to know that you haven't told me? Pain in any particular place?"
"I'm fine. "
"You're bleeding. I'm not sure you're aware of it. But you're bleeding. "
Xhex frowned and looked at her trembling arms.
"There's fresh blood on the insides of your thighs. Which is why I asked if I could do the internal exam. "
Xhex felt a wash of dread come over her.
"I'll ask you one more time. Were you sexually assaulted. " There was no emotion behind the clinical words, and the doctor had guessed right. Xhex wouldn't have been interested in any hysteria or drippy, over-the-top pity.
When she didn't reply, Doc Jane read into the silence correctly and said, "Any chance you could be pregnant. "
Oh. . . God.
Symphath cycles were weird and unpredictable, and she'd been so caught up in the drama of the capture and captivity, she hadn't even thought about the repercussions.
At that moment, she despised being a female. She truly did.
"I don't know. "
Doc Jane nodded once. "How can you tell if you are?"
Xhex just shook her head. "There's no way I am. My body's been through too much. "
"Let me do the internal, okay? Just to be certain there's nothing going on that I can feel inside. And then I'd like to take you to the Brotherhood compound and do an ultrasound on you. You were really uncomfortable when I went over your belly. I had V come with a car--he should almost be here by now. "
Xhex was barely hearing a word that was being spoken to her. She was too busy tracing back over the last couple weeks. She'd been with John the day before the abduction. That last time. Maybe. . .
If she was pregnant, she flat-out refused to believe it had anything to do with Lash. That would just be too cruel. Too fucking cruel.
Besides, maybe there was another reason for the bleeding.
Like a miscarriage, part of her brain insisted on pointing out.
"Do it," Xhex said. "But make it quick. I don't deal well with this shit and I'm going to flip out on you if it takes longer than a few minutes. "
"I'll be fast. "
As she closed her eyes and braced herself, a quick slide show set up shop in her head. Flash: her body on a stainless-steel table in a tiled room. Flash: her ankles and wrists locked in place. Flash: human doctors with spastic, lookie-here eyes coming at her. Flash: a video camera in her face and panning down. Flash: a scalpel catching the light from above.
Snap. Snap.
Her lids flipped open at the sounds because she was unsure whether what she'd heard was in her head or in the room. It was the latter. Doc Jane had her latex gloves on.
"I'll be gentle," Jane said.
Which would be a relative term, of course.
Xhex fisted the sheets and felt the muscles that ran up her inner thighs spasm as she went rigid from head to toe. The good news with the frozen- stiff act was that it cured her of that stutter. "I'd rather you be fast. "
"Xhex. . . I want you to look right at me. Right now. "
Xhex's scattered stare swung around. "What. "
"Hold my eyes. Right here. " The doctor pointed to her peepers. "Hold 'em. You lock on my face and know that I've had this done to me, okay? I know exactly what I'm doing, and not just because I've been trained. "
Xhex forced herself to focus and. . . Jesus, it did help. Meeting that evergreen stare did help. "You'll feel it. "
"Excuse me?"
Xhex cleared her throat. "If I'm. . . pregnant, you'll feel it. "
"How. "
"When you. . . there'll be a pattern. Inside. It won't. . . " She took a shallow breath, drawing on the tales she'd heard from her father's people. "The walls won't be smooth. "
Doc Jane didn't even blink. "Got it. You ready?"
No. "Yes. "
Xhex was in a cold sweat by the time it was over and that rib she'd broken was screaming from her sawing gulps of air.
"Tell me," she said hoarsely.