by Teo Xue Shen
I take a deep breath. Let it out slowly. Another breath.
Here it comes, the dam has broken.
“I didn’t cry when your brother died in my arms,” I whisper.
“What?”
“I didn’t cry after my first kill either. I didn’t even cry when my parents died,” I continue, ignoring her outburst. “I can’t deny it any further. I’m empty. When I kill, when someone dies, when death comes knocking on the door, I can’t feel anything. It’s a horrible, numbing emptiness. I…I don’t…I mean, before we came here, I thought the Savages were emotionless killing machines. But now that I know otherwise, then what the hell does that make me? The me who doesn’t grieve for the dead. The me who…who can’t even satisfy the societal demands for a human being. I’m worse than savage. I…”
The more I speak, the more distraught I become. In order to fit into a certain order known as society, human beings are expected to conform to certain rules, some of which governs emotions. When someone dies, it’s natural to grieve. Or rather, it’s unnatural not to grieve. It is precisely this set of unspoken expectations which allows for a level of uniformity within a group of people, enabling the society to function as it does. But what about anomalies? What about me? The horrible void of emotions. The feeling of having no place to belong to. The…
“You’re human,” she argues vehemently. “You have feelings. Maybe you just don’t express them like most people, but they’re there. I know it.”
“And what if they’re not? I’m not fit to fight alongside the rest of you. Not a monster like me. I don’t want to kill and not feel anything any more. I don’t want to lose people and be able to keep a straight face as if nothing has happened. I don’t want to…”
My voice trails off into a mumble. At this point, I’m not just unsure or insecure. I’m downright terrified of myself. Of the emotions I can’t express, no matter how natural it should be. I don’t trust the person I’ve become.
“Emptiness can be accepted too, you know.”
I jump. Actually, we both do. The voice comes from behind us. A large shadow falls over my fingers, stretching far over the field. It’s Rick, his characteristic grin on his face. Raine curls her fingers into a fist, looking ready to sock him in the jaw if he says anything stupid.
“You were eavesdropping?”
She gets to her feet.
“Now, now,” he backs away hastily. “Pee break. I just happened to overhear a little. My point is, it doesn’t necessarily matter who or what you are, or how much of you fits into the ideal image of a human being. If you’re empty, then accept it. Accept the fact that that’s you.”
“But…that makes me…makes me…I don’t know,” I shut my eyes tightly. “Where do I even stand? How can I fight knowing that I’m no better than what I’m fighting? How can I…”
“There’s another way to go about doing this,” Rick explains patiently. “That is, you patch up that emptiness with the people you care about. That’s your raison d’être, is it not?”
“My what?”
“Reason. Your reason to live. You exist to protect the people you care about, right?” Rick jabs a finger in my direction. “So, if she can accept you as a human being for who you are, then what does it matter how other people may classify you? What does it even matter whether you think you are human or not? Forcing yourself to act according to expectations won’t help you become more human, if such a thing exists. But giving yourself a reason to do what you do will. At the very least, you’ll be able to face each day serving that purpose.”
“He’s right,” Raine seconds. “I don’t care about trivia like expectations. The Ren I know is someone whom I’ll willingly die for. Being different doesn’t change that.”
“I knew you’d understand,” Rick claps her across the back, and then lowers his voice. “Well, I guess I’ll leave you two alone now. For the record, Ren, I think you’re as human as any one of us, Sean included.”
What the hell does that last part mean? I watch as Rick leaves, laughing heartily to himself. Somehow, his words stick. The panicked madness bordering my thoughts retreats gradually.
“There’s one more thing I want to ask,” Raine says.
“Shoot away.”
“What are you planning to do about the Captain?”
As soon as the words are out, an expression of regret passes over her face.
“I’ll kill him,” I reply after a short period of silence. “Now that I know who he is, it actually eases the burden in my heart. Someday, somehow, I’ll do it. But for now, I want to believe in Ben, Resh and all the other people in here. I want to believe that we can end this war with minimal bloodshed.”
“Want to, huh?” she echoes. “I hope so too.”
“It’s late,” I say. “You should be sleeping. We’ve got a long week coming up.”
“It’s two in the morning. Not exactly what I would call late. And you should be sleeping too.”
“I can’t sleep. Kind of why I’m here.”
“Then, I can’t sleep either.”
“As if,” I laugh. “You were snoring, out like a light when we came back from the hospital.”
I roll up my eyes and allow my mouth to hang open, making some sort of choking noise in the process.
“I’m so gonna break your jaw.”
“Hey, why don’t we run away?”
“What?”
“Why don’t we run away?” I repeat. “Leave all of this shit behind and just disappear.”
“You forget.” She shakes her wrist, the bracelet gleaming, at me. “Resh will blow us all to hell if that happens. Although I can’t say for sure which is the better option.”
“You too?”
“Yeah,” she nods. “I’m reluctant to ever set foot on a battlefield again. It’s just so cruel, to give us a little break, a little time to settle down and then ask us to return to that hell on earth. I’m so reluctant.”
Her voice trembles. I know that feeling. I thought I’d already steeled myself to return. Yeah, I thought. Another thing to note, shit almost never goes the way you think it will go.
“You aren’t alone,” I sigh. “All of us probably feel the same way. Hell, I’ll bet the rest aren’t getting any decent sleep right now.”
“Yeah. It must be worse for April, especially with the Hekatonkheires announcement and all that shit. She’s never had an Extension to begin with and now she’s forced to face a…a super-machine? That’s insane.”
“She’s been like that since the start. Fearless. It’s no wonder Rick likes her.”
“Mmhmm.”
“Oh, by the way,” I stop when I see the expression on her face.
The topic is probably changing way faster than she expected. I can’t help it. When my mind is all cluttered with stuff, I just want to say the first thing in my head. I guess that makes me tend to flit from topic to topic, maybe in a bid to distract myself from all that heavy talk.
She shrugs. “Go on.”
“Resh used to be in charge of a notorious gang.”
“What?”
“It’s true,” I insist. “If you look closely, there’s a tattoo of a lotus at the back of his neck. Sean got curious and did some snooping around. Apparently, about six years back, his gang numbered over a thousand people. And when they took to the battlefield, they scored victory after victory while the military suffered defeat after ignominious defeat. They were so influential that even the government, their government, didn’t dare go against them. But at their peak, Resh suddenly vanished. Without a leader, the gang dissolved. It’s said that no one even tried to assume the position of leadership in his place. That’s how much people respected him.”
“That morose guy?” she sneers. “I’m honestly surprised.”
“Give him a chance. He’s got a pretty rocky past…”
“He’s pathetic. Chained down by such a past. I don’t regret saying what I said.”
“Yeah. About that…you were pretty…amazing.�
��
I can feel a vague blush on my cheeks.
“Pardon?” she asks quizzically. “What are you…I mean, it made me think of my own…my brother and…you know…I just got kinda mad at him for being like that.”
I don’t think she heard me. Fortunately.
“Nothing,” I say quickly. “You know, I was just thinking, what if we could get Resh to revert to those times? We could have enough influence to push for a peace treaty of some sort. We could… nah, strike that. Not possible. The government of Pangaea will never agree. Sorry.”
“Yeah…”
“Come on.” I get to my feet, dust myself off and offer her a hand. “Enough of this. Let’s go get some sleep.”
She takes it.
16
Rick’s foot is in my face. Not exactly how I’d like to start the day. Grunting, I roll out of the way and stick my head out of the tent, enjoying the rush of cold, fresh air from the swirly morning mist. The cool wind sweeps into the tent, waking Rick from his slumber. Like an exceptionally befuddled owl, he sits up, blinking groggily as he squints his eyes against the glare of the morning sun.
“Good mornin’,” he yawns.
“Yeah, would’ve been good if you hadn’t insisted on putting your feet in my face all night.”
“Well, sorry I’m not Raine,” he grins, all traces of sleepiness gone from his eyes.
“What do you take me for, some kind of pervert?”
His grin widens.
“You know what,” I sigh. “Don’t even answer that.”
Still grinning, he steps out, dragging me with him. The others are already at the canteen, an identical plate of mush placed reverently before each one of them. It’s obvious. No one is in the mood for any food.
“Come on, eat up,” Rick encourages. “Eat it while it’s warm. We’ll need the energy later.”
“Pretty sure that thing tastes the same, warm or not,” Hyung mutters, jabbing his pile of mush with his fork.
They stare at me as I methodically shove the mush into my mouth. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t have much of an appetite either, especially not after last night. But I’ll eat anyway. Like Rick said, we’ll need it for later. For the sake of protecting this bunch of misfits around me. I’ll do whatever it takes. Fight whomever I have to. And kill if I must. Rick is right. Who I am, or rather, what I am, doesn’t matter. There’s no time for an identity crisis when I’ve got six people I need to protect.
“He’s eating it,” Ivy whispers, scrutinising me carefully.
“Yeah,” Hyung agrees. “And he hasn’t thrown up yet.”
“Are you guys done or do you need a microscope?” I inquire. “I’m not a specimen for observation. And for the last time, it doesn’t taste that bad.”
“You have my respect.” Ivy shoots me a thumbs-up. “Your tongue must be made of Kevlar.”
“Shut up and eat your food, why don’t you. You’re postponing the inevitable. Or would you like me to feed it to you?”
“Aaaaaaaaah,” Ivy opens her mouth so wide I’m afraid her jaw might have come unhinged.
Before I can react, Raine dumps her entire plate of food into Ivy’s mouth the way she would dispose of rubbish, sending the latter into a coughing fit.
“Oooooh,” Ivy gasps, recovering quickly. “Someone’s jealous.”
“You want another plate?” Raine offers innocently, inching closer to the red-headed girl, her own plate in hand. “I’m more than happy to oblige, you know?”
“If you wanted Ren to feed you, you could have just…mfffmfm!” Ivy inches away, too slowly, as Raine catches up to her, stuffing another spoon of mush down her throat.
I stare at the ongoing scene, biting back a smile. Rick and April are laughing while Sean and Hyung remain glum. Though fleeting, breakfast felt good. A refreshing change to the heavy smog of reluctance which hangs in the air. Resh holds his final briefing after breakfast. We gather near the front gates of the military base at which an old, beaten-up car is parked. Perched on the hood of the car, like some sort of stunted stone gargoyle, is Resh.
“We go in, stake out the area, capture the people and get out,” he says gruffly. “Knock them out as cleanly as possible.”
“Just to be sure, we don’t have to kill anyone, right?” Sean queries worriedly.
“If things go well,” Resh replies.
Which means we’ll probably have to.
“That’s what you do best, isn’t it?” Raine mutters under her breath. “Not killing anyone.”
“Hey, I was right about these guys, wasn’t I?” Sean retorts softly. “I’m glad I didn’t kill anyone… I mean… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. Poor choice of words.”
Raine scowls and turns away. She hasn’t been amicable with Sean since the beginning. It’s easy to understand why. Probably even crossed my mind a couple of times. Why the hell am I trying to protect someone whom I can’t even fully rely on? I guess it all boils down to the individual. If he can’t help it, so be it. I’m not about to force someone to kill in exchange for my trust.
“There should be a group of four coming through this time,” Resh concludes. “Any questions?”
“How do you know?” April asks. “Even down to the specifics like how many people there are.”
“We have our informants.”
“I see.”
“Right. Let’s go then.” Resh gets into the car, gesturing at us to load up.
“Are you serious? How are we supposed to fit in that?” Rick exclaims incredulously. “Unless we stuff Ren in the trunk.”
“The trunk is full. Stuff we’ll need. You’ll have to squeeze in the back.”
He’s dead serious. We pile in. Two in shotgun and five at the back. The creaky old car doesn’t even seem like it can get us anywhere. Resh turns the ignition and the car roars to life.
“Seat belts, anyone?” Rick chirps.
“They’re broken,” Resh informs us stonily.
We cruise past the gates. Immediately, I start to think seat belts are a splendid idea. The car obviously isn’t meant for the type of terrain we’re traversing. Every bump rattles my insides, threatening to send my head straight through the roof.
“You all right?” I ask a pale green Sean.
He nods, eyes firmly shut.
“Never was fond of bumpy rides,” he gasps. “This is worse than riding on a tonner.”
“You sure you’re gonna be fine?”
“Frankly, no. I’m worried about the new weapons. The Hekatonkheires.”
“Shouldn’t it be easier on you, since they’re nonliving things and you don’t have to worry about taking lives?”
“I’m not worried about us fighting them. I’m worried about them fighting us. They’re remotely controlled. That means that they’re completely inhumane. There will be no hesitation to kill, no empathy nor compassion. After all, simply pressing a button takes away the sensation of killing. To their controllers, it could even resemble a video game, with devastating consequences in reality.”
He is right. If the controllers of the Hekatonkheires have not been exposed to the cruel reality of war, they’d have no reservations about hitting a button to end a life.
Twelve interminable hours later, we’re struck by the
all-too-familiar stench of rotting corpses mingling with the musky smell of gunpowder. Gunfire rings out intermittently in the distance, the acrid smoke from blazing fires blotting out the sun. Despite the heat, I shiver, suddenly glad that we’re alighting at the villages. We occupy one of the long abandoned huts, settle down and wait.
“Approximately how long do we have to wait?” Ivy asks.
“They should arrive somewhere between now till two days later.”
“How specific,” Ivy rolls her eyes.
“Take shifts.” Resh points to the door.
For someone who’s driven for 12 hours straight, he’s amazingly alert.
“Is that them?” Sean calls over from the door.
Instant silence.
“Too soon,” Resh frowns as we cluster at the window, squinting through the brief rays of scintillating sunlight. “We shouldn’t be cutting it this close.”
“What happened to ‘from now till two days later’?” Ivy hisses under her breath.
Six humanoid figures are lumbering up towards the village. An awkward, unnatural gait betrays their identity.
“That, is no human,” Rick states softly.
“Yeah,” I confirm. “No way in hell.”
Hekatonkheires. The question in everyone’s hearts.
“Do we stay?” Sean whispers. “I mean, we could probably wait for them to pass by, since they shouldn’t be able to sense our presences. If they’re remotely controlled, their main disadvantage would be that they can only operate by sight alone. They don’t seem to be otherwise equipped either since it’s daytime.”
“Maybe they wandered off too far from the battlefield,” Hyung says hopefully. “We should be safe if we stay hidden, right?”
“We stay. There’s no reason to panic, not when…”
Whatever Resh is about to say is lost, blotted out by a loud crash. The Hekatonkheires nearest to the village suddenly lash out, pulverising the nearest hut with their Extensions.
“Uh…is that reason enough to panic?” Rick quips, eyebrows raised.
“What time is it now?” Resh asks, ignoring him and scribbling into a notebook.
“Time to get the hell out,” Raine growls. “Write your report later, will you?”
For once, Resh seems to agree. A second hut is obliterated. This isn’t search and destroy. It’s systematic annihilation. Only three more until they reach ours.
“Get to the car. We’re leaving.”
“About time,” Raine snaps, swinging herself through the door, the rest of us hot on her heels.
We get about as far as five steps. A shadow appears. Six shadows, to be precise. We turn our eyes skywards in horror, watching helplessly as the Hekatonkheires descend, their Extensions blooming around their bodies like flowers in the sky. A pair of long, extended grasshopper-like legs protruding from each of their shins explains their ostensible teleportation. They attack even before they land, striking at us with their grotesque Extensions. Instinctively, I shield myself with pincers, striking back with the bulbous tail which arches high over my head. Faster than the eye can follow, I feel a pincer shatter, blown to bits by the mere force of the collision. With another pincer, I grab the offending object, a viper’s head, and rip, flinging it aside. Another Extension slams into mine, sending me flying. There’s no time to collect my thoughts. The Hekatonkheire is upon me again.