by Ellen Devlin
She chuckled, saying, “Me, neither. That was a helluva thing, McCullin.” She gave him a gentle shove. “But you’ve got a few more things you’ve got to do. So get up, and get back to your party thing. Whatever it is. I don’t even know anymore.”
He laughed at her. “Now you sound sex-drunk. I like it. We can be sex-drunk together.”
“Excellent. Don’t forget to zip up. Shit, I hope I don’t put this dress on backward or something stupid like that.”
She shoved Tom to get out the door, and he walked back for the final part of the event.
***
He had been gone only slightly longer this time, but he was now well and truly mellow. He was pretty sure he couldn’t be more mellow if he tried. He found Chris and apologized for being an ass. Chris just stared at him and said, “How much have you been drinking, and where did you find the good stuff here?”
Liz returned, wearing her dress properly, but she had given up on her hair and had taken it down. It fell in waves below her shoulders, and Tom thought it was gorgeous.
He fulfilled all of his remaining team obligations. He danced with Liz—a slow dance where he just swayed and smelled her hair. But he stayed on the dance floor for the whole song. She had very nice-smelling hair.
At one point, near the end of the evening, he found himself trapped in a conversation with several people, including Chris, and started to feel the beginnings of anger and frustration building. It must have shown on his face, because Liz caught his eye, gave him a questioning look, raised an eyebrow, and held up four fingers in a kind of “Ready to go for it again, big guy?” signal.
Tom laughed out loud and then excused himself, explaining, “My date just threatened me. Apparently I look like I’m getting into a bad mood. I need to bow out and take my date home.”
Chris gaped openly as if Tom had grown a second head right before his eyes.
Chapter Fourteen
Liz woke up to hear her phone ringing. She rolled over, away from Tom, who followed her movement sleepily to spoon behind her. Picking up the phone, she saw it was Paige calling and answered, concerned. It was unusual for Paige to call her early. Although, as she looked at the clock, she saw it wasn’t actually early; they had just slept quite late this morning.
“Hey, Paige,” she said, voice raspy from sleep, “Are you okay?”
“Everything is fine. Did I wake you? Wow, I’m sorry. I was sure you would be up already.” She paused only briefly and said, “So are you alone?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” Liz was suddenly much more awake and slipped out of bed to take the phone call in the living room.
“I was wondering if Micky had left yet.”
“Oh.” Pause.
“How long, Liz?”
“What?” Her brain was trying to catch up to this conversation.
“How long have you been sleeping with him? It definitely didn’t start last night. Days? Weeks?”
Liz sighed, sat down on the couch, and answered quietly, “Months.”
Paige was silent for so long that Liz was afraid she had hung up.
“When did it start?”
“The night after we went to the zoo.”
“Holy shit.” Paige was well and truly shocked. “I don’t even know what to say, Liz. Why didn’t you tell me?” The last question was quiet and said with kindness and concern.
“I don’t know, Paige. I really don’t. Lots of reasons.”
“Please just tell me he’s not the one forcing secrecy. This all started right after you first met? Please, please say something to reassure me that this is not as creepy as it’s sounding right now.”
“No, no, Paige, I promise. This has been mutual. I’m not sure either one of us knows why. It just started quietly, and neither one of us talked about it, and then, well, we kept not saying anything.” She smiled. “If it makes you feel any better, he was going to be a gentleman that first night and not take advantage of me because we had just met and I’m your best friend.”
“So what happened with that?”
“I took advantage of him instead.”
Paige barked out a laugh. “Really?” She laughed again. “Okay, now I’m torn between concern and an odd feeling of pride. Talk about double standards.” Her tone became thoughtful again. “Is this a serious thing?”
“No. It’s not that kind of relationship, or you would already know about it.”
Paige felt her heart break a little for her friend and said, “Are you going to regret this?”
Liz smiled, loving her for knowing the right question to ask. “No. Definitely not.”
“You’re sure?”
“Absolutely. Not for one minute.”
Paige sighed. “You know I love you.”
“I do. We can get together later for coffee to talk, if you want to.” She looked up as Tom wandered out of the bedroom, his rumpled hair and sleepy smile making her heart contract again.
“Yes. I’ll text you. And Liz,” Paige added, “I have to tell Chris. I didn’t say anything last night. Not before I was sure. But I can’t keep this from him. You know that.”
It was Liz’s turn to sigh. “I know. I will handle this end. Thanks for calling.”
She turned to look at Tom, who asked, “Is everything all right?”
“Paige is fine. She was calling to ask me how long we have been sleeping together.”
Tom stared at her and sat down at the other end of the couch. “Oh.”
“That was pretty much my reaction.” She smiled at him, and he gave a half smile back in return. “I did tell her. I’m a lousy liar.”
“How’d she take it?”
“A little freaked out initially, but I reassured her that I was the one who stole your virtue in the first place, and I think that made her feel better.” Tom chuckled, and Liz continued, “How you are taking this is a more important question to me. She’s going to tell Chris. She won’t keep something like this from him.”
Tom looked thoughtful, almost perplexed, for a moment before answering. “It was bound to come out at some point.” He really wasn’t sure how he felt about this. There were emotions he couldn’t name that were starting to swirl around in him. “How about you?”
“Actually, I think I’m okay. It was fun to keep you my personal fantasy for a while, but I’m starting to think trading that in for ‘I’m dating a hockey player’ might be a pretty good deal.” She smiled at him, but his look had turned dark the moment she said the word “dating.”
“Oh,” she said. She sat up straighter on the couch. “Oh, shit. Okay, not dating. Got it.” Her heart was fluttering wildly, and not in a good way, and she was suddenly feeling sick in the pit of her stomach.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, ask the hard question, ask it, ask it.
“So I guess I need more information about all of this.” Deep breath. “Are we exclusive?”
Tom turned toward her so suddenly she almost jumped. He looked furious and all but yelled, “Why the fuck would you ask that?”
Liz lost her cool and yelled back, “Because I just learned that I’m good enough to fuck but not good enough to date, so I’m suddenly feeling really fucking insecure, that’s why! Answer the goddamn question!” She stopped and took another deep breath, trying to calm down.
Tom had been so stunned by her outburst that he sat all the way back into the couch and was staring at her.
She tried to speak more calmly. “We have never discussed this. I have never asked, and you have never promised. I’m not looking to pick a fight over the answer; I just need to know where we stand.” She took another breath. “Please.”
Tom ran his hands through his hair, looking distraught. “Jesus, Liz.” He turned toward her. “Yes, we are fucking exclusive.” He got up and paced. “God damn it.” He faced her, his voice rasping with emotion, volume rising, and said, “I can’t believe how fucking angry I am, that you would think for one minute that I could be sleeping with someone else, and then have a night like last night with
you. God damn it, Liz.”
He stopped pacing, looked up at the ceiling for a moment, and turned to look her in the eyes. This was all going so wrong. “You are not just someone I fuck, and I’m trying not to put my fist through your goddamn wall because you even thought that for a second. I. Don’t. Want. To. Share. You.”
She stared at him as if he was completely alien and then barked out a sound that was half laugh. “I have no idea what the fuck is going on. How do I end up in these conversations with you, where I feel like I’m losing my mind?”
“What are you talking about?” He was still really angry.
“Explain to me how dating equals sharing. Isn’t that the point of dating someone? That, then that person is with you, and not with other people, therefore you are not sharing them?” He sat back down. “Otherwise, isn’t it then something else, like…swinging?” She laughed for a second and then said, “Shit, this isn’t funny. I’m sorry. My brain has reached total overload.”
Tom’s lips turned up a little, and he said, “It’s a little funny. I’ve definitely never asked anyone if they’d like to go out swinging.” He looked at her. “Fuck.”
“Yeah.” Her chest hurt, and she felt tears pricking her eyes.
“You know I care about you.”
“Oh, geez, I know. But thank you.” She put her head back on the couch. “I’m sure you have your own reasons for the way we’ve done this. I think I just wanted to live in a fantasy for a little while.” She turned to look at him. “No responsibilities. Well, not really. You know what I mean. No one asking questions. No one pushing for information. No expectations of what ‘the relationship’ should look like in week, or a month, or however long. No commitments.”
Tom bristled sharply.
“That’s not what I meant,” she said hurriedly. “I meant no long-term commitments to the other person. Shit, that’s still not coming out right.” Looking for the right words, she added, “I have such a good time with you, and I don’t want this to end, but I don’t know how to handle this. Any insight would be really helpful.” She smiled weakly.
“I don’t know. I don’t want this to end, either.” He took a breath. “I meant…I don’t want to share my relationship with you with the other guys on the team. It’s one thing for Becks to know. I trust him. But work is work and personal is personal. I don’t mix them, but you’re friends with other guys on the team, and that makes it complicated.”
Liz was surprised. “You don’t hang out with your teammates outside of work?” Chris was friends with a lot of guys on the team. There was a camaraderie that was important to playing on a team, and she hadn’t realized Tom didn’t really socialize with his teammates. “What about your roommates?”
He looked at her rather darkly, as if she was judging him. “They’re roommates. We share space. We’re adult men; we don’t interact besides grunting at each other in passing. And no, I don’t usually hang out with my teammates. I work my ass off for the team; I practice, I train, I study, I grind. I will run drills as long as I’m asked to, and then I will go back and run drills more. And if my teammates want to practice more outside of work, I’m all in. I will be the first one on the ice and the last one off. But other than that, I don’t need to hang out with them. The occasional beer after a big win is fine.”
“But Chris…?”
“Becks is different. I’ve known him since USHL and college. He’s like my brother.”
Liz sighed. She looked over at Tom, at the furrows starting to creep into his brow, the scowl starting to take over his handsome face. She smiled a little wistfully, thinking about what she would have done just last night to take that look away from him.
“What?” Tom asked gruffly. Liz was looking at him with a slightly faraway look and a small smile.
“You’re scowling.”
He ran his hands through his hair and looked back over at her. His face was a little softer.
“I was thinking about how I would have made you stop scowling just last night,” she said with a small sigh.
“I don’t want to give this up.” His voice was strained.
“I don’t, either.” She tilted her head. “How about a version of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’?”
He snorted. “Seriously?”
She shrugged. “I’m game if you are. I’m not going to lie to people if they ask, but I don’t necessarily have to tell anyone, either. We can be ‘casually seeing each other’…” she used air quotes, “…if you like. People saw us together last night. Someone is going to ask. Zee at the very least.” Tom grimaced, and she smiled. “He’s a good guy, Tom.”
“If you say so.”
“So what do you think?”
He took her hand, the first contact they had since she had gotten out of bed when Paige called.
“Okay. Let’s do that.”
She moved closer to him, and he tucked her against his chest and kissed the top of her head.
She let out the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding and relaxed against him, listening to his heartbeat. I wish this didn’t feel like the beginning of the end.
Tom felt her relax against him. Two things happened simultaneously as he held her—something that was tangled in him uncoiled, and he felt calm, and something else in his chest twisted into a knot. It was confusing. Everything felt so right when he was with her.
And yet things were starting to go so very wrong.
Chapter Fifteen
Paige was waiting for her at Starbucks with two coffee cups in front of her. Liz saw the worry on her face and as she hugged Paige said, “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you.”
As they sat down together, Paige said, “I suddenly don’t know where to start. I guess, why?”
“I’m not entirely sure. We talked a little about it this morning. We hadn’t actually talked about not talking about it before, if that makes any sense. I think it was an escape. I had a little secret fantasy life, with no expectations.”
“No expectations?” Paige looked at her sadly. “Do you mean from me?”
She sighed. “Maybe a little. I’m sorry.” Paige’s eyes were slightly teary. “But also from me. Hey, a little credit for getting involved with someone again, though, right? I think it made it easier that it’s with someone where it can’t possibly work out in the long run.”
Paige looked confused. “Why would you say that?”
“He’s a fantasy, Paige. People don’t end up with their fantasies.” She was still getting confusion in return, so she tried to elaborate. “Look at it this way…say your friend introduces you to Channing Tatum.” She picked one of Paige’s favorite choices for eye-candy. “You hit it off, and there’s chemistry, and he’s interested in fooling around. If the universe sets that up for you, you say ‘Yes,’ and you enjoy the hell out of it.
“In the meantime, you discover he’s smart and funny, and you have a fantastic time together. That’s awesome, but he’s still Channing Tatum. And eventually he’s still going to go back to his real life, and you’re going to go back to yours. So you enjoy the hell out of it while it lasts, and you don’t worry about the fact that it’s not going to.”
Paige looked surprised and rather upset. “Are you saying that you’re somehow not in the same league as Micky, so it’s okay to just play with this relationship like it doesn’t mean anything?” she asked. “Do you care or not?”
Liz was shocked. “Of course I care. Too much. And this relationship means a lot. I’m not playing.” She was hurt by the questions more than she realized. “Paige, do you really think I wouldn’t care?”
“Why would it be impossible that he would care too?”
“He cares. He’s a great guy. That doesn’t mean it’s going to last.” She tried to steer the topic in a slightly different direction. “What did Chris say?”
Paige gave a short laugh. “He was surprised. Said something about not understanding Micky at all.”
Liz smiled. “He is definitely confusing. Or maybe
I should say interestingly complicated. Very smart. Very funny. Hard working. Deep feeling.” At this last comment, Paige gave her a questioning look. “He loves his family. You should hear him talk about them; it’s wonderful. There’s a lot more to him than meets the eye.” She smiled and raised her eyebrows, adding, “And what meets the eye is spectacular.”
“Oh, for God’s sake.” Paige laughed but looked more closely at Liz after her last comments about Tom and put together all of the pieces she had from what she had seen and heard. She knew her friend very well. Reaching a hand across the table, she asked quietly, “Liz, are you in love with him?”
Everything in Liz’s chest constricted at the question, and it showed on her face. She sighed and said quietly, “Yeah.”
It was no use trying to deny it. Paige already knew.
“Are you going to tell him?”
“Maybe, eventually. I don’t know. It’s not that kind of relationship.”
Paige tried one more time. “It’s unfair to Micky to assume that he can’t have feelings for you too.”
“I know he cares.”
“That’s not what I mean.”
Liz smiled and said, “Well, we’ll see. Things have changed, and I’m not sure this relationship is going to survive the bright light of day as it stands.” She explained the agreement that they had reached regarding continued non-sharing of the relationship.
Paige did not look at all happy by the end of the explanation. “And you’re okay with this?”
“For now.” Liz shrugged. “It was the compromise we reached. Neither one of us was willing to walk away. Not yet. So this is where we are.”
Paige looked concerned and a bit sad, and Liz needed her to understand.
“No regrets, Paige. None. I promise. No matter how this ends.” She stood up so she could hug her best friend until they both felt better.
Chapter Sixteen
Tom walked into the house he shared with two teammates and tossed his keys on the table. He was heading toward his room to get clean clothes to go take a shower when he heard the question. “Mick, is it true? Did you really go to that event with Liz last night?” He turned, startled to see Sven Andersson, another defenseman, standing in the hallway looking at him.