by Robyn Carr
“You should’ve been talking to me,” he said.
“Our talking hadn’t started yet. I was still here in this bedroom back then, but so angry. The only talking we did was to snap at each other and move farther apart. It was all the things you said to me at dinner a couple months later that started to turn things around…. I think you said those things before and I didn’t hear you, just like you couldn’t hear me. But you let me have it at dinner that night. You scared me, you know. You were pretty clear—if you couldn’t have a real marriage, one with love, trust and forgiveness…a marriage that focused on working things out instead of living in separate bedrooms, you weren’t about to hang around. Whew,” she said, getting a little teary. “I wasn’t prepared for that. I thought I was calling all the shots.”
He brushed the hair back from her brow. “Did you call him, Marty?”
“I did. I asked him to meet me somewhere to dance. I wanted to have fun, feel like I was being courted or something. And of course, he tried to get me to go to bed with him. But I didn’t, Joe. I ran for my life—I mean, literally. I bolted. I got out of there as fast as I could and I didn’t call him again. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have even chanced it. It was so stupid. Not only stupid—it could have cost me the most important relationship in my life.” She took a breath. “I scared myself pretty good. I know you wouldn’t be able to forgive that.”
“Aw, Marty,” he said, hurt. “I never thought you’d do something like that….”
“Neither did I. I’m pretty embarrassed about it. I didn’t think I could be that big a fool! But, Joe, I didn’t call him after that.”
“But you were tempted. Weren’t you tempted?”
She smiled at him. “Did you see him walk into that bar with Jill, who was wearing a very large engagement ring? She could’ve answered the phone when I called. That would have served me right. That was good for me, to be in the same place at the same time with the two of you—the lying, cheating asshole I got rid of years ago and the loving, committed partner I’m with now. It really put the spotlight on my life, showed me what I had and what I almost risked….” She laughed a little. “I shouldn’t have even spoken to him, but I couldn’t resist. I wanted her to know he’s still just a manipulative, cheating liar, telling an old girlfriend he wasn’t with his fiancée anymore.”
“When was the last time you slept with him? Tell me the truth so we can move on….”
She lifted her head to place a quick kiss on his lips. “Over eight years ago,” she said. “He might’ve stirred up some old memories when I was feeling down and out, but he didn’t stir up anything else, Joe. I’m ashamed of myself for even thinking about him for five minutes.”
“You think you know how you feel now? What you want?” he asked her.
“Yes. I want us to talk like we used to, to be considerate of each other’s needs, to compromise and make our marriage better every year instead of angry and confused and unforgiving. And I love it when you shave and shower before bed. You’ll get a better lover that way.”
He grinned. “I thought women liked that rugged look…”
“This is better. It doesn’t hurt my skin, for one thing.”
He ran a knuckle along her cheek. “We gotta be careful about that,” he whispered. “Your skin is so soft…” He gave her a short kiss. “Can I trust you now, Marty?”
“You can. You always could. I wasn’t going to cheat on you, Joe. There are two reasons I’d never do that—because I know how it feels to be betrayed like that, and because I know you’d never be able to forgive me. It would be the end for you, and I might’ve been scared and lonely, but I wasn’t ready for us to be over…”
“I’m not going to go backward,” he said, his voice a little hoarse. “I thought I lost you. I can’t feel that way again, Marty. You’re everything to me. I can only move on if I’m everything to you, too. I love you so much.”
“Aw, Joe. It feels so good to hear that. Believe me, you’re everything.”
“Show me,” he said with a devilish smile.
She smiled back. “No. You show me, Joe.”
He grinned. “Brace yourself…”
Julie was washing her face when Billy came up behind her, slipped his arms around her waist and kissed the back of her neck. “You did a very nice job on dinner tonight,” he said.
“I didn’t do much,” she said. “I bought the meat, made the cheesecake, brewed the coffee.”
He started kissing down her back. “And you looked more delicious than the food.”
“Billy,” she laughed. “Have you had too much to drink?”
“No. And I haven’t had too much of you lately, either….”
“Can I dry my face?” she asked through laughter.
“I don’t care. Do whatever you want…and do it fast…”
She grabbed the face towel, dried off and turned in his arms to meet his demanding kiss, his hands running up and down her back. When their lips parted, she said, “You smell like cigars.”
He went after her neck. “It’s that manly, musky, sexy smell. Give it a second—it’ll turn you into a wild woman…”
“Do you think we could move out of the bathroom?”
“If you want…”
“I want,” she said, pulling his hand, flipping off the light and heading to the bed. Before she could get there she found herself literally thrown on the bed with her husband on top of her. “For Pete’s sake,” she muttered. “I had a feeling you were in the mood, but you act like you haven’t had sex in a year.”
“I feel like I haven’t. I’m getting so much sleep these days, I’m sure I’ll be better than ever. Try me.”
“I don’t need you to be any better. But it might help if you were a little slower….”
“Okay,” he said, tugging at her nightgown. “Let’s get you naked and then I’ll slow down. I promise.”
She let him pull her gown over her head and fling it away. And then it began, the kissing and caressing, the sweet yet powerful physical love that had kept them so perfectly intimate since they were very young. I will still want him like this when I’m ninety, Julie thought, as his hands on her body brought all the familiar and delicious sensations that would culminate in a fiery satisfaction, leaving them soft and perfect in each other’s arms. Then he would stay with her a while, holding her, whispering to her, praising her beauty and warmth, telling her how much he adored her.
“Hang on a second, baby…let me get the condoms…”
“I threw them out,” she whispered.
He was jolted upright. He flipped on the bedside lamp. “You what?”
“I want one last shot at one last baby…”
“Oh, God,” he said, rolling away from her. “I’m in hell—that’s what this is. What are you talking about?”
She rolled onto her side and looked down into his eyes. “Before the last of those little sperms leave the last of our babies behind, I want to see if there’s just one more in there.”
He was quiet for a long moment, looking up at her, no longer as powerful as a steamroller. “You’re totally out of your mind, right?”
“No. This is the first time I’ve felt like I’m sane. It’s the first time we haven’t been in desperate financial trouble. I’d give it a little more time, but there isn’t more time…”
“Jules, you’ll just be upset again…”
She shook her head. “I’m grieving that baby we lost. I feel so much regret, and it broke your heart even though it shouldn’t have happened in the first place. I know we can’t get it back, I understand that. And I also know this might not work. You probably only have five or six more chances before that vasectomy has your sperm count down to zero.” She shrugged. “If we get a baby out of it, I’d love that. If we don’t, it won’t change how much we love each other.”
“Julie, you’re nuts. What if some disaster hits and we’re strapped again—”
“I have it all worked out. I even called John, talked to him about
it.”
“You asked John if we could have another baby?”
“Well, not exactly. But I did tell him we’d lost a baby recently, that you’d had a vasectomy and there was still time to squeak one more baby out if we were quick, and that I wanted to try very badly. He said what I knew he’d say—he understood the feeling. He and his wife have four and they’d have four more if they could. So we talked about the money a little bit. I knew we were on the same page about that. Our medical is good, and for at least a few years another one isn’t likely to make a significant financial impact. If it was the first baby, it could really trip us up budget-wise. That’s one thing about a big family—you already have most of what you need. Billy, I even do my own diapers—disposables for Grandma and outings only. Our kids go from the breast to the table—we don’t even buy fancy baby food. I know how to boil down carrots and mash peas.”
“You’ve lost your mind.”
“You don’t want to? Wouldn’t you like to see what I’m like when I’m actually all excited about a baby?”
“I have,” he said. “You’re always excited eventually, even when you know it’s a bad idea….”
“I wish I’d tried everything to keep that baby instead of taking the chance I took. Billy, I was just so scared. I’m so sorry…”
He ran his fingers through her hair. “Baby, I’m not mad at you. You did the best you could with what you had on your plate. Nobody could take better care of our kids than you, even when the circumstances were impossible. I promise, I’m not upset with you.”
“Okay, then we’ll give it one last shot—”
“No,” he said. “I’m not touching you till I have a chance to think about this in the clear light of day. Damn, you spoiled a potentially great roll in the hay! I think I really had my game on!”
“All right,” she said somewhat morosely. “Really, I didn’t think it was a bad idea at all. If I hadn’t been so overwrought, we might be pregnant right now, anyway.” She gave him a kiss. “And you love me pregnant.”
“I love you not out of your mind and totally pissed off, too.”
“Well, I thought I’d give it a try…”
“Why didn’t you talk this over with me when you had your clothes on?” he asked a bit testily.
“I meant to. We were kind of busy…”
“Well, this is a shock. I have to think it over. I’m not sure it’s a good idea.”
“But if we hadn’t lost that baby, you’d be happy.”
“It’s a weakness,” he said with a shrug. “There’s something about us, even broke and scared, giving life to that thing we have together…” He rubbed the back of her neck. “Jules, I don’t think anyone else in the world has what we have. I have never, for one minute of one day, wondered about how much we love each other. I’d take that over a million bucks any day. When Joe told me Marty had moved out of their bedroom, I felt my gut just cinch in a knot. If that happened to us, I’d die inside.”
“We won’t let that happen to us. I don’t know why we were this lucky—it’s not as if either of us was old enough to know anything….”
“Well, we’re this lucky. I don’t know if we should tempt fate. We could get another wild lunatic like Clint.”
“Or a nutcase like Clint in a girl suit…”
“Julie, Julie—what’s the matter with you? Right now all I want in the world is to just love the hell out of you and you’re talking babies…. Why are you so crazy?”
She shrugged. “I never had that with you,” she said. “I never actually had a chance to make a baby on purpose. I’m hopeless—I love kids. I love growing huge, having them, nursing them, playing with them, cleaning their awful rooms. I thought I was supposed to be sick of it pretty soon, start wanting to go back to school or something. But I’d rather have another baby than a boat or pool table. I admit, I hate being terrified the bank will take the house or PG&E will turn off the lights, but I never minded being careful, frugal. I’m kind of proud of how far I can stretch a dollar.”
“You’ve been wanting a new couch real bad,” he reminded her.
“I know. I’d like a new couch, but you only have five or six more ejaculations with viable sperm before it’s over. And I can’t save you until after we get a new couch… I like being a wife and mother. I think I’m pretty good at it.”
“You’re excellent at it….”
“It’s not that it’s enough for me. I’m not accepting it as my lot in life, it’s everything. Ten years with you, and it’s still everything.”
“You think our love life could be any better if we were trying to make a baby?” he asked her.
“Nah,” she said, shaking her head. “If it gets any better, it might kill me.” She smiled at him. “I didn’t throw them out,” she said. “They’re right in the drawer. You need to finish what you started. If you change your mind later, we still have a couple of outside chances at sneaking in one more….”
His eyes got big for a second. He rolled over and checked the drawer. He pulled one out and put it on the bedside table. “You didn’t stick pins in these, did you?”
“No,” she laughed.
“Because my brakes are not what they used to be.”
“I know. That’s one of my favorite parts….”
He rolled her gently onto her back, found her lips, let his hands enjoy their magic and, in no time at all, the steamroller mentality was back. For Billy, there was nothing in the world like the way Julie responded to him. Always. Even if she didn’t want to. He worshiped her; she idolized him. There was nothing in his life closer to perfection than this love affair—it was steamy and virtuous, wild and pure. There had never been anyone else for him, for her. How many people had something like that? Every time they made love, it was like a primal force that bonded them even more closely. He felt a little more alive each time he could bring her pleasure, each time she gave herself completely to his pleasure. Married love like ours, he often thought, is as close to heaven as a man can get.
Ready, he reached for the little foil package. “You tired of holding back, baby?” he whispered. “You ready for the payoff?”
“Please,” she whispered, her hands running over his chest, her lips on his neck.
He started to tear the package open, then froze for a second. He stared down into her smoldering eyes, gave her a light kiss and tossed the package away. He entered her sweetly, au naturel. “This may not work, you know….”
“It’s never been up to us before, Billy,” she whispered. “It won’t be up to us this time, either.”
Thirteen
It hadn’t been very long since Cassie had realized she was in love with Walt, but it felt like forever. They were so comfortable together, so compatible. It was as if she’d known him since she was a girl. She kept asking herself if she’d ever felt this way before—this sure of her own feelings and his. She had a problem with rushing into things, but she hadn’t done that this time. She’d kept Walt waiting a long time.
This was so different than any relationship she’d ever had. This time, rather than hoping to develop trust and confidence, it began with both already firmly in place. Instead of starting out with lust and infatuation, those things had followed a special bond, a deep friendship. And, oh, did the lust ever follow! Walt was a wonderful, tender yet powerful lover. When she was in his arms, no doubt in the world could disturb her. Never before had she felt so cherished, so secure.
There was talk of a gathering of his family soon, so she could meet all of them—Thanksgiving at the latest. In the meantime, they’d been out to dinner with Judy and Dick once more and had a Sunday brunch with Walt’s older brother, his wife and three kids. Getting four boys and their families plus Mom and Dad all in one place at one time seemed to be something of a challenge with their schedules, but so far Cassie was very comfortable with everyone she’d met.
She’d finally been to his house. Small but very nice, just like he’d said. It was an older home—it had about fifty yea
rs on it—but it was reconditioned just beautifully with fresh paint, shiny hardwood floors and new appliances and countertops. And it was so tidy—that had shocked her.
“I admit, I went to a little trouble for the first showing,” he said.
“It’s almost brand-new inside,” she said, looking around.
“I had some pretty good training at fixing up an old house,” he said. “It might be in my blood.”
So she and Steve had spent a couple of nights because, no matter what their work schedules, they couldn’t stand to be apart. But typically they were at Cassie’s house. She was the one with an early schedule in the E.R. most days. She’d get up at five-thirty and by the time she was dressed and ready to leave for work, Walt would be rising, heading for the coffeepot first, then into the shower. When they both had a day off, those bike rides didn’t start so early.
On a not-very-typical day for them, Walt was the one up early. Cassie had a day off but Walt was needed at work first thing in the morning. He told her it could be a long day for him—it seemed there were quite a few things he had to finish up. But he promised he’d be caught up quickly so he could enjoy the weekend with her.
So Cassie thought she’d do a little shopping. The holidays were approaching and she always liked to buy a little at a time—it was the way she watched her spending carefully. She spent the morning at Target and got Julie’s kids taken care of. By about eleven, she was out of ideas. She’d like to get Walt something really special, but what do you buy a guy as simple and unpretentious as Walt? She had an impulsive idea; she could swing by the Roseville store and see if he was there. She hadn’t done that in quite a while and that’s where he spent the majority of his time. If she could coax him away for a quick cup of coffee or even lunch, maybe she could eke out of him what would make him happy.