by Shelly Cruz
We order our margaritas and dinner, and I tell Stevie the details about what happened with Nate the other night since we haven’t had much time to chat since then.
I sigh and take a sip of my margarita.
“You have been off lately. I’ve been meaning to ask you what’s going on.”
“I’ve been in a funk and feel stuck.”
“Well, if I’ve learned anything about you since you moved here last year, you’ll do something. You can’t just sit still.”
I drink some of my margarita, lick salt off the rim, and spread it around my mouth.
“Is that why you ended it with Nate?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug and play with the straw floating in my margarita. “I think I mostly ended it with him because he deserves someone who will reciprocate his feelings. That’ll never be me. Besides, I was starting to feel terrible about myself.”
“I thought you liked him?”
“He’s a nice guy, but I don’t want a relationship. Not right now, anyway.”
“I know you loved Massimo, but you need to move on.”
“That’s the same thing Luci said to me the other day. It’s way easier said than done.”
“Yeah, but you can’t keep on like this forever.”
“I know. I think I’m gonna take the LSAT and apply to law school.”
Stevie’s eyes widen. “Law school? Wow, that’s intense.”
“Yeah, I’m sure it is. I was gonna take the LSAT before leaving Boston, but then my life fell apart, and I moved. But I can use the challenge right now and think I’m ready to do it.”
“That sounds awesome. You should do it. Where would you apply?”
“I want to stay local. While I may need a change in my life, I don’t feel like moving again. Drake University Law School is here in Des Moines, and they have a part-time program. I’m gonna drive down to the campus this week to pick up an admissions packet.”
“How long is the program?”
“Not sure, but I think four years.”
“That’s exciting.” Stevie extends her hand to squeeze mine.
“It is, and I feel really good about this. For the first time in a long time, I’m actually looking forward to something and getting excited.”
“Well, whatever you need, I’m here to support you.” We clink our margaritas and drink up.
CHAPTER 12
First Born
MARIALENA
May 2009
LUCI’S NAME FLASHES ACROSS my phone’s screen. “Hi, Luce.”
It’s Saturday afternoon, and I take a break from studying to make myself a sandwich. I check the clock, 1:15 p.m. I have to be at work at 4:30 p.m. I can get a couple more hours of studying in before I have to leave.
My last final exam is next Tuesday, and then I’ll have a week off before summer classes start. I still bartend at The Last Drop but now I only pick up shifts on weekends or to cover for someone when Hank needs the help. The extra cash is always welcome.
Last summer, I started working at an immigration firm as a law clerk for the attorney who works the criminal immigration cases. When summer ended, the attorney offered me a part-time position to stay on with the firm. Since I was a part-time student, I accepted. The pay cut from bartending hurt, but the experience was necessary for me to be ready to practice law after taking the bar exam. To help me out, I took out additional loans to help me with my living expenses. As long as I continued taking the number of classes I was, I would finish law school this December, one semester early. I took extra summer classes each summer to pull it off. I was ready to be done with school.
Law school was as intense as I expected it to be, which turned out to be a good thing. An occupied mind doesn’t have time to think about anything other than the task at hand. The constant schoolwork kept the thoughts of Massimo at a minimum. Between classes, studying, and work, I had little time for anything else. Stevie and I moved our Monday date nights to Sunday brunch. It was my one constant that I looked forward to every week.
“Hi. What are you doing? Have a few minutes?” Luci asks.
“What’s up?”
“I saw Dom last night. He came into my bar with a girl he was on a date with.”
“Oh, how is he?”
“He’s good. Looks great, as usual. I asked him about Massimo.”
“Why would you do that?”
“What do you mean? Why wouldn’t I do that? I haven’t seen or heard from him in years, and I want to know what he’s up to.”
“And?”
“Are you sitting down?”
“Just tell me already!”
“He has a son, six months old—born last December.”
Luci’s words are a slap in the face. It’s what I least expected to hear from her. My appetite is suddenly gone. I slide a chair out from under the kitchen table and sit.
“Lena, did you hear me?”
“Yes.”
“Well, are you gonna say anything?
“What do you want me to say? I mean, I knew this day would come, but it doesn’t lessen the sting.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. You didn’t tell Dom anything about me, did you?”
“No, of course not.”
“Good, keep it that way.”
“I called your mom the other day. I want to start planning our trip for your graduation later this year.”
“She told me. I’ll have the exact graduation date in a few weeks and will text you. This way, you can purchase the flights.”
“Marcus is waiting for the dates too, so the sooner, the better.” I’m glad Marcus is coming to my graduation as well. We went from working together several nights a week to talking on the phone a few times a month. I miss him a lot!
Luci and I stay on the phone a few minutes longer before I hang up. I should get back to the books, but I can’t focus on Business Entities right now. All I can think of is what Luci told me. Massimo has a son.
Eight Years Ago
“Maria is having a Fourth of July barbeque. We can drive there on the third and spend a few nights down the Cape,” Massimo tells me as we’re changing the sheets.
Maria is Massimo’s cousin, and they have a house in Yarmouth just two blocks from the beach. It’s the first summer we’re together as a couple, and although I had met Maria several times at Massimo’s family events, it would be the first time I would spend a few days with his family.
“Okay, but we gotta leave early on the third to avoid all of the traffic. Otherwise, we’ll be stuck in it for hours.”
“Zio Massimo, will you take us in the water?” Emilia asks.
Emilia is his cousin’s daughter, but she and her brother Nico call him Zio. Emilia is seven, and Nico is five, and Massimo loves when they’re around. He hangs out with them, plays games, and runs around the yard. He does all the fun things the kids want to engage in. We’re at the beach for the Fourth of July holiday, and it’s packed. Our umbrella and our chairs are spread out not too far from the shoreline.
Massimo stands from where he’s sitting. “You bet, Bella. Let’s go.”
The kids jump up and down. “Yay!” Each of them grabs one of his hands, and they head toward the shoreline. No doubt the water will be cold. No matter how hot it is outside, the water is frigid.
“The kids love him. When I told them you guys were coming for a few days, they started screaming in excitement,” Maria says. “Nico got his soccer ball and basketball ready because he knows Massimo will play with him for hours.”
“He’s really good with them,” I tell her. His face always lights up, and after he spends time with them, he tells me that he can’t wait to be a father.
“He’s excited for you guys to have kids. He said he hopes his firstborn is a boy and that you’ll start trying on the wedding night.”
“Wedding night? We’re not even engaged.” I shake my head.
“You know him. Always confident when talking about his future, as if it�
��s a given.”
Chuckling, I say, “So much truth!”
Graduation is being held inside the school’s auditorium since the December graduating class is small—there are only forty-seven of us. My parents, Luci, and Marcus flew in late yesterday. Luci and Marcus will fly home Tuesday morning, but my parents are staying here for Christmas since it’ll be the first one we spend together since I left Boston. Luci rented an SUV so that we could drive around all together while everyone is here.
After the ceremony ends, we pile into the SUV and drive to Jesse’s Embers, one of my favorite steakhouses, which is a five-minute drive across town. Stevie and her boyfriend are meeting us there.
Once at our table, we order drinks and food. After the waitress drops our drinks off, my father makes a toast.
“Nena, I’m so proud of you. I always knew you’d accomplish great things. You’ll be a great lawyer.”
“Gracias, Papi. Thank you all for being here. I’m so happy you guys came to support me. It really means a lot.” I look around to everyone sitting at the round table. My father is sitting to my right, then Mami, followed by Luci and Marcus. Stevie is to my left and her boyfriend Andrew is next to Marcus.
“So, what are your plans now?” Luci asks.
“I’m taking off until Christmas since my parents are staying until the day after. Once they leave, I’ll start studying for the bar exam, which is the last Tuesday and Wednesday in February. I won’t be working during my study time, so I took out a bar study loan to help me with living expenses for the next two months. I want to take one exam and be done with it.”
“You quit your job?” asks Marcus, his eyes widening.
“No, just taking time off to study. My boss encouraged it, actually. He already offered me a job after the bar exam. I’ll probably take a few days to relax right after it and start working the following week.”
“Nena, que bueno, you have a job already,” Mami chimes in.
“Yes, and full-time too. I mean, I’ll officially work as a law clerk because I won’t be a licensed attorney until I pass the bar, but being in the law firm environment will help.”
“What do you do as a law clerk?” Andrew asks.
“I mostly research and write for the lawyers in the firm and help draft court documents, although occasionally I help out the paralegals or secretaries if they need it. Learning what they do is extremely helpful and important because it’s not stuff that I learned in law school. Also, my goal is to work for myself once I have enough experience.”
“I can definitely see you working for yourself,” Stevie adds.
Luci clears her throat and asks, “Do you have any plans to move back home?”
I take a deep breath and adjust my glasses. “Eventually, but not yet. I need more experience, and I don’t want to have to take another bar exam. I want to pass the Iowa bar on my first try, work here for a couple of years, then move back.” I’m also not ready to face reality back in Boston yet, but Luci doesn’t need to know that. “I’ll eventually seek admission to the Massachusetts bar, but I need to wait until I’m licensed for five years. That’s one of the reasons I also chose to work in Immigration Law. I just need to be licensed in one state, and I can practice in any state since it’s federal. If all goes as planned, when I move home, I’ll open my firm there instead of working for someone.”
“Ay si, Nena, I miss you. I’m glad you’ll be moving back. I miss you,” Mami chimes in and extends her hand in front of my father, grabbing hold of mine.
CHAPTER 13
The Market
MARIALENA
September 2012
DELUCA’S MARKET HAS ALWAYS been one of my favorite markets because it has a great selection of unique imported and gourmet foods. After the day I had, all I want is some cheese and wine, and it’s the perfect spot to get everything I want to indulge in after a long day at the office. The market has been a staple in the Beacon Hill neighborhood of Boston for years. They offer imported products from Italy, a selection of Italian cheeses, salumi, and wines.
With a block of Asiago cheese, soppressata, and gourmet crackers in my basket, I head over to the wine section to find the perfect bottle. I’m in search of a Barolo or Sangiovese, both smooth, red wines, and the perfect end to my long day.
As I browse the red wines, I hear, “Lena, what are you doing here?” I stiffen at the sound of his voice, which shocks me—unexpected yet so familiar. Disbelief is prominent in his words.
My eyes land on Massimo, and suddenly my chest feels tight. His black hair is still unruly, but it’s now peppered with grays along the sides. He’s aged like a fine wine in the nine years since I last saw him, and all I want is to drink him in.
I lift my eyes to his. Although words fail me, I search his dark brown hues. They’re wild, filled with anger and hurt, which doesn’t surprise me. The last time we looked into each other’s eyes, I was kissing him goodbye, except he didn’t know it would be the last time he saw me.
Seeing him again after so long confirms everything I’ve felt over the past nine years—I love him. I’m a fool for abandoning him. I crushed my soul for him and can only hope he’ll understand why. It was always about him. For him. Because of him.
Right now, the wildfire burns in his eyes, and he’s unreadable. Will he understand my truth, or will revealing my darkest secret be a nail in my coffin?
This encounter was inevitable, but today was not when I expected it to happen. For all the pep talks I gave myself, I am still not ready to face him. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, considering I knew this day would come.
“Lena, what the fuck? How long have you been back?” His words snap me out of my trance.
Massimo’s tone is short. There are no indicators of understanding or forgiveness when he speaks. Instead, anger and bitterness ooze from his words. “A few weeks,” I say in a low voice, finding it hard to speak, despite having plenty of explaining to do.
My voice is tight in my throat, and I feel lightheaded. I reach for the shelf to steady myself. Everything is spinning, and I can’t control the force of my emotions churning within.
“Were you planning on coming to see me?” he asks in a softer tone, his eyes still boring into mine, pleading for me to say something, anything.
With the back of my right hand, I adjust my glasses. “I, um…” Words elude me, and I’m unable to complete a sentence. Seeing him after so much time has impacted me in a way I didn’t expect. No matter how many times I imagined this day and what I would say, nothing could prepare me for this moment.
For looking the man I love in the eye.
For the heaviness in my heart.
For the words that would have to tumble from my lips.
“Lena, just answer the question,” he retorts, irritation in his voice as he takes a step closer to me.
“Yes—” nodding to mimic my words “—I was planning on it once I got settled into work and my apartment.”
He’s a few inches from me, scrutinizing me with his eyes. I have the urge to reach out and touch him, run my fingers along his soft, warm skin, even if I have no right to do any of those things.
I begin extending my right hand toward him, his meeting me halfway. I watch his hand envelop mine, his fingers caressing my skin. I close my eyes, remembering his touch, and my skin prickles at the memories. When I open them, his eyes are wet and soft. Is that love I see? Is it possible that after all the damage I caused, he could still love me?
“Massimo, I—”
“Daddy, here are the crackers. These are the ones Mommy buys.” Two small boys jog up to him, each handing him a box. I yank my hand back, staring down at the two boys, who are both looking at me with curiosity. They’re unquestionably his with the same beautiful chocolate eyes, ink-black hair, and toothy smiles.
I shift my eyes back to Massimo’s, where I see turbulent sadness and anger. My hand goes up to my mouth to cover the sob itching to escape. I shake my head and scurry away from him toward the front
of the store. As I’m leaving, I hear him call my name. I momentarily stop before thinking better of it and ignore him.
I drop the basket full of groceries at the front and hurry out the door before Massimo can catch up with me. I jog down the street and around the corner to get as far away from him as I can.
Since I dropped everything and ran, I hail a cab to take me across town to see Luci, who’s bartending at The Pour House tonight. If I needed a drink before seeing Massimo, now I need it even more.
Once inside the cab, I can no longer hold my tears back. I’m taking deep, measured breaths to try to calm my erratic heart.
I had convinced myself that I was ready to see him.
Ready to speak my truth.
Ready to ask for his forgiveness.
If what just happened back at DeLuca’s is any indicator, I’m not ready for anything. A sob escapes me, and the cabbie looks at me through his rearview mirror. “Everything okay, miss?” he asks.
I nod. A blatant lie considering my steady flow of tears. Was that a glimmer of love in Massimo’s eyes, or am I imagining it because it’s what I want to see? And if it is, what does that mean for us? Is there even an us? I have to stop getting ahead of myself. First things first, I need to get a grip. His mere presence today shook me in a way I’ve never imagined it would.
The Pour House is a laid-back dive bar—dark inside, with random decorations strewn around the whole place and across the bar’s top. There’s a brick-wall mural along the entire left side, old bowling pins, a skeleton, trophies, plastic drink trays stuck to the air vents, and a pinball machine. Although it’s a dive bar, it’s been around for years, and the bar food is phenomenal, especially their burgers. Locals sporting their team pride with Red Sox or Patriots hats fill the booths along the brick wall or in the backroom.
When Luci sees me, she walks over, smiling, but as she gets close, she sees the tension and anxiety written all over my face and asks, “What happened?”