by Shelly Cruz
Despite the years, my body remembers him. With each thrust, it recalls what we once were, each outstroke a reminder of what we always should’ve been.
My pace is slow and measured—rise and fall—and I feel his love each time he plunges into me. I haven’t been intimate with Massimo in over nine years, but I’ve never felt as close to him as I do right now. There are no more secrets between us, and for the first time, I’m giving myself to him completely.
Tears stream from my eyes. He must taste them because he licks at them, first from the left cheek, then the right—taking my pain and sorrow as his. A pleasurable ache starts building within me, and my breath quickens.
Massimo must notice the change in me because he brushes kisses along my jawline before running his tongue up my neck, over my chin, and landing back on my mouth. Our tongues are pressing and stroking each other as I climb toward the peak of my arousal until it crashes into me, spiraling me through blinding pleasure.
My heart swells. Emotions churn. Love surfaces.
His hands move around to grasp my buttocks, and he lays me back, repositioning himself. I kiss his chin, drag my tongue along his jawline as he continues with his punishing strokes. I tug at his thick hair, kissing the sides of his mouth until I pull his bottom lip between mine, sucking and biting.
My hands move to his back, where I rake my fingernails from his waistline up. His pace quickens, and his head drops, his mouth landing at my ear. “It was always you, nobody but you,” falls from his lips as he comes undone and fills me with everything he has and everything he is.
We lie still, embracing one another, Massimo seated within me. His nose at my throat is dragging in a back-and-forth motion.
He separates from me, jumps to his feet, and darts out of the living room, quickly returning with a small towel in hand and another blanket. He uses the small towel to clean me up, then tosses it to the side and lies down, pulling my back to his front, ensuring to cover us with the blanket.
We lie there, listen to the Goo Goo Dolls sing about better days, and appreciate that we’re once again in each other’s arms. Massimo pushes my curls to the side, kissing behind my ear and the nape of my neck while I’m dragging my fingers up and down his leg.
“My heart is whole again.”
My heartbeat quickens at his declaration, and my skin prickles under his hot breath.
I want to look into his eyes, so I turn around and proclaim, “I’ve thought about this moment since the day I left you. I never thought I’d look into your eyes again.”
“Neither did I. I was resigned to living a life without you,” he admits.
We sit in silence, just staring at each other. Words linger in the air. He must be in his feelings, as I am.
“I always thought we were good together,” I say, resting my palm on his cheek. “I now realize we weren’t because I always kept a part of me hidden away.”
“You just realized this now?”
I nod. “Yes. I’ve never felt closer to you as I did just now, as you made love to me.” He rewards me with a lopsided grin.
“It’s how I’ll always make love to you.” His confession is one I never knew I needed to hear and one I don’t have a response to. Instead, I kiss my index and middle fingers then place them on his lips.
He extends his hand, taking one of my ringlets into his fingers, and begins twirling. “I missed you, missed doing this with your hair. It always relaxed me.”
“You always loved playing with my hair when we were in bed or lying on the couch together.”
“Lena.” His eyes are piercing, searching mine.
“Massimo.”
“I forgive you. We still have a lot of healing to do, but the first step is forgiveness.”
“Thank you.”
“Don’t ever do something like that to me again. No more hiding. No more lies. No more secrets. I promise that I’ll always listen to everything you share with me and keep an open mind. Promise me that you won’t shut me out again.”
“I promise.”
He kisses the tip of my nose.
“So this—” I gesture between the two of us “—is a thing again?” I ask.
“Is that what you want?”
I nod, feel my eyes stinging, fighting back the tears from the emotions coursing through me.
He grasps my hand and kisses my fingers before saying, “Me too. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. I don’t know what tomorrow holds but the best we can do is try and see where life takes us. Besides, you and I—we’re meant to be, so I think we’ll be okay.”
My heart is thudding in my chest at his words.
“Does it hurt?” he asks as his right hand reaches down, touching the scar on my belly.
“Physically, no.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Most days I’m okay. I’ve mourned the loss of my uterus. Some days though, it sucker-punches me when I least expect it. Sometimes it’s a random baby or kid walking down the street. Other times someone I know is announcing they’re pregnant, and I want to be happy for them, but jealousy creeps in, and everything I lost comes rushing back. A stark and ugly reminder that I’ll never be a mother, and it hurts like a motherfucker.” His fingers continue touching the bumpy skin. His other hand moves the ringlets that lay across my face, pushing them behind my ear.
“I want you to know, even though my boys have their mom, you’ll be a part of their lives. I have no doubt you’ll love them with all of your heart.” His words hurt yet also fill my heart because he wants us to try again and wants me to be a part of their lives. It makes all the suffering and damage I caused worth it because I know he loves being a father more than anything.
Tears escape from my eyes, and he swipes them away and begins kissing me again.
My phone is ringing, and it wakes me from sleep. I lift my head from the pillow and see Massimo sprawled on his back to my left, softly snoring. He looks at peace and as beautiful as he always has.
I pull the blankets back and go into the kitchen to dig for my phone in my pockabook, which has stopped ringing by the time I find it in my purse.
It was Natalia. The time on my phone reads 9:07 a.m. She must be calling because I have an 11:00 a.m. phone conference scheduled with a client, and I’m still not in the office. I press the green button to dial her back.
When she answers, I say, “Hi, Natalia. What’s up?”
“Hi, Lena. I was just checking in because you’re usually here before me, and I know you have an 11:00 a.m. conference call with the Acosta family.”
“Yes, please reschedule it for this afternoon, anytime. I’ll be in, but not until a little later.”
“Okay, will do. See you soon.”
“Bye.” I hit the End button and drop my phone back into my bag before heading back to the bedroom, stopping in the bathroom on my way. When I approach the bed, Massimo is stirring awake.
“Hi, sleepyhead,” I say, crawling onto the bed to sidle up next to him.
“Mmm, I could get used to this again.” He smiles, his eyes still closed.
“I have to get going soon, but if you’re gonna wake up, I may have time for one of your famous breakfasts and some of that crappy coffee you love to drink.” I hint because my stomach is growling.
“I see how it is; you want me just for my cooking skills.” He’s laughing now. His eyes open, blinking away the sleep in them.
He kisses me and says, “Is it really you, or am I dreaming?”
“It’s me. Let me show you I’m really here.” I extend my hand down and grasp his morning wood.
We’re in the kitchen, and Massimo is making bacon and eggs. He still remembers how I like mine—over medium. I pop a few bread pieces in the toaster oven and search for the butter in the fridge.
Once we’re sitting at the counter eating, he asks, “When can I see you again?”
I shrug. “I have to work late tonight because I have a trial next week, and I’m prepping my client tomorrow most of the day. Maybe this
weekend?”
“I have the boys this weekend, but we’re going to Paulie’s house Saturday night. They’re having a dinner party, and our kids love hanging out. You should come.”
The piece of bacon I’m about to bite into stops short of my mouth. “You want me to meet the boys already?”
“Yeah, why not?” He looks up from his dish as if I asked him the most asinine question.
“I don’t know. I just thought you might want to take it slow.”
He drops his fork, extending his hand out to rub his thumb across my beauty mark. “Lena, we’re not dating for the first time. We know who we are and that we’re good together, that we will be good together! Besides, at Paulie’s house, there will be a lot of people around, people you know, so it’s a good way for you to meet them, like a soft opening of sorts.”
I nod. “Okay. If that’s what you want, I’ll follow your lead.” And I bite into the bacon strip.
Three Days Later
Massimo and I decided it would be best for me to meet them at Paulie’s house. Paulie got married a few years ago and he and his wife, Anna Maria, who I’ll be meeting for the first time, bought a house in Stoneham. I asked Massimo to text me when he left so that I could arrive when he was already there. When I told Luci I was going, she was excited because she and Dom would be there too, which I’m glad about. Despite my knowing Massimo’s whole crew, I didn’t exactly leave on great terms with all of them. Other than the funeral, it’s the first time I’ll be seeing them in a social setting. Having Luci there is like having my wing-woman—an ally, so I don’t feel awkward.
As I drive up 93 toward Stoneham, I have my radio tuned to Kiss 108. “This is Love” by will.i.am starts playing, and I crank up the volume. Once I find the address, I park my car on the street and pop the trunk to get the four bottles of wine I brought.
I ring the doorbell, and a woman with long, dark brown hair, wire-framed glasses, and a mole over her right upper lip opens the door. “Hi, you must be Lena. I’m Anna Maria. Please come in.”
I step into the house, and she closes the door behind me. “Hi, Anna Maria. It’s nice to meet you.” She leans in and kisses me cheek to cheek.
“I’ve heard a lot about you. I’m glad to finally meet you.”
I cringe at the words and fake a smile. She can probably see it written all over my face because it definitely doesn’t reach my eyes. She must’ve heard horror stories about me.
“Thank you for having me.” I follow her into the house, through a walkway, and into a large kitchen with a center island that opens up to a large family room, a long wooden dining table off to the right.
“Lena, I’m so glad you came.” Luci gets up from the couch, where she’s sitting next to Dom, and runs across the room. I place the wine bottles down on the counter and hug Luci when she reaches me.
“Hi, Luce, I’m so happy you’re here,” I whisper into her ear.
As I’m separating from her, I see Stella standing with Massimo’s boys in the far corner. She’s glaring at me despite the boys talking to her. I wish Massimo had told me she’d be here because I probably wouldn’t have come. I could kill him for putting me on the spot like this, but I need to own up to my mistakes, which is probably why he didn’t say anything. I haven’t had the chance to talk to her to apologize, to try to make amends. This isn’t really the place for that to happen, but I also don’t want it to be weird for anyone. I’ll have to speak to her at some point.
Massimo sidles up to me. “Hi, babe,” he says, kissing me on the cheek, letting his warm lips linger. “Thank you for coming.”
“Hi,” I say. I remove my coat and scarf, handing them to Massimo, which he takes and puts in the hallway together with my pockabook.
“Lena, good to see you again,” Dom says, kissing me hello.
“Likewise, Dom. Love looks good on you,” I respond.
“Seriously, Lena!” Luci exclaims, swatting my arm.
“What? It does,” I tease.
“Lena, red or white?” asks Anna Maria from across the room, where she’s holding a bottle of each in her hand.
“Red, please. Thank you.”
“Lena, you look fucking great,” Paulie exclaims, hugging me.
“Good to see you too, Paulie. Congrats on the wedding, the house. All of it. I’m so happy for you.”
“It’s great to have you back. Maybe now Massimo will stop being such an asshole,” Paulie says, and laughs while patting Massimo on the back. “Hey, kids,” yells Paulie, “come say hello.” At that, four little people come running up to him, two of which are Massimo’s boys. “This is my son Antonio and my daughter Alessia. This is our friend Lena.”
“Hi,” they both say in unison, and each kisses me before skipping back to where they were just playing.
“And these are my guys, Lucio and Leandro,” Massimo chimes in, running his hands through Lucio’s thick hair.
“Daddy, is this your friend we saw at the store?” Lucio asks.
“Yes, buddy, great memory.”
“Hi, boys. It’s nice to see you again.” I squat down to their level, and they each come and kiss me before scurrying back to the other side where they were playing with Paulie’s kids.
I stand and turn to Massimo, who hands me my wine glass. “You should’ve told me Stella was gonna be here,” I whisper and sip at my wine.
“Nah, then you wouldn’t have come. You need to squash that and make things right.”
“You don’t say!” I roll my eyes and walk away, crossing the room toward Stella, who’s in the corner with the kids.
“Hi, Stella.”
“Hi, Lena.” Her arms are crossed.
“Can we go to the other room for a few minutes? I owe you an apology and would like to talk in private if that’s okay.” Without responding, she stands and leaves the room. I follow. We’re walking through the hallway I just came through and into the front living room, where there’s a formal sitting area.
We sit on the couch, and I look into Stella’s eyes. “I’m sorry. I know those words may not mean a lot right now, may not do a lot to take the sting out of what I did. But I am. I never meant to hurt you.”
“We were friends. You were gonna be my sister. You didn’t just leave Massimo. You abandoned all of us. We were all left behind to clean up your fucking mess.”
“I know I caused a lot of damage, wounded all of you.”
“You don’t know shit! You have no idea what it was like, and Massimo will never tell you. But I will. He could barely get out of bed on some days. He cut himself off from all of his friends, barely ate, and was drinking a lot! I was the one who put him back together,” she says, pointing to her chest, tears streaming down her cheeks. “Our mother and me, may she rest in peace. When I saw you were back, and he just let you back in, I was furious. I couldn’t believe he was speaking to you!”
“You have every right to be. He’s your brother, and you want to protect him.”
“Damn straight.”
I drop my eyes and fidget with my glasses. The silence is uncomfortable because I burned the bridge that connects us, and Stella is making sure I haven’t forgotten it. The voices in the kitchen fill the pregnant silence between us.
“He told me, you know.”
“About why I left?”
“Yes.”
“I’m glad he did. If he hadn’t, I would’ve. I wanted to tell him before I told anyone else. He deserved to know first. After that, I started to talk to those closest to me, to make amends for everything I put everyone through. I’m sorry that I’ll never have the opportunity to apologize to your mother. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me someday.”
“I get why you did it. I think you went about it the wrong way, but I understand. When Massimo told me, I even felt bad for you for all that you sacrificed and lost. The whole situation is so fucked up. And now we have Lucio and Leandro, and it’s like I can’t be mad because then they wouldn’t be here. It’s twisted because I want
to be angry but can’t be.”
“Yes. You feel what I do, what Massimo feels, so I understand. Those boys are why I did it. I haven’t seen him be their father, but I already know he’s amazing with them.”
“He is,” she says. “They’re the only thing that gave him life after you left. Even then, the Massimo I knew was never truly back. His light never shone as bright.”
I grasp her hands in mine and say, “Thank you for sharing all of that with me. It means a lot.”
“I accept your apology. I’m sure someday soon I’ll come around again and forgive you too.”
“I hope so.”
“You only get to fuck up once, Lopez. Next time, you’ll have to deal directly with me. Understood?” Her lips are in a straight line, her eyes squinting.
“Thank you, Stella. I promise, no more drama from me.”
We both stand and embrace each other.
“You girls kiss and make up or what?” Massimo asks. When Stella and I separate from one another, I see him standing at the entryway, arms crossed over his chest.
“Yes,” Stella says. “But she knows I’ll kick her ass next time if she even thinks about pulling any shit like that again.” She kisses him on the cheek before leaving the room.
“You should’ve told me she was gonna be here,” I repeat as he’s approaching me.
“You would’ve made up all sorts of excuses not to come. Now it’s done, and everything is good.” He pulls me into him and kisses my temple. “I’m glad you’re here. It’s where you belong,” he declares, and I squeeze my arms tighter around him.
“Yo, Dello, get your ass in here. Time to eat,” Paulie yells from the other room.
He gives me one last kiss before turning to walk back to the dining room. Everyone is sitting at the table already. We settle into the two remaining empty seats, with Massimo sitting next to Leandro and Stella two seats down, on the other side of Lucio.
Anna Maria says, “Massimo, why don’t you give the toast before we start eating.”