by Helen Eve
I don’t waste any time. ‘I know you’re spending the summer with Caitlin in New York. And I’ve seen the picture from Edward’s party. She was all over you.’
‘Was that picture taken after you rejected me and ran away?’ he suggests. ‘How dare you criticize me for anything I did that night?’
‘It looks as if there’s something going on between you two,’ I say weakly. ‘It makes me look stupid.’
‘You know what?’ He comes to stand in front of me. ‘If you really think there’s something between me and Caitlin, I’m not going to tell you otherwise. Because the truth is, and we both know it, that you’ve been looking for an excuse to finish with me for months. Now you’ve got one.’
My voice shakes. ‘Do you have any idea what I gave up to be with you?’
He passes his hand over his face. ‘What you gave up? Am I hearing things?’
‘I’m committed to you,’ I say hastily, worrying that I’ve gone too far. ‘You know I am.’
‘Everyone says you’re only with me as a tactic,’ he says. ‘I never believed them, but maybe I should have listened.’
‘Of course I’m not!’ I say. ‘If I were tactical, I’d have stayed with Edward and never gone out with you in the first place.’
His face is set. ‘If you want to prove that, then pull out of the election.’
‘What?’
He nods. ‘Can’t you see that it’s ripping us apart? Walking away from it now is our only chance to have any kind of future.’
He’s testing me. He already knows what my answer will be, but he needs to hear it.
‘You know I can’t withdraw,’ I say. ‘The election is all I have.’
He looks devastated. ‘The election is all you have?’
I nod, but unexpectedly he holds my hands. ‘I know you’re scared, and you’re shutting me out with this act. You think you don’t need anyone, but you can’t do this alone.’
‘The election means more to me than you do,’ I say numbly. ‘That’s my choice.’
‘So we’re done?’ he asks. ‘That’s really what you want?’
I know that if I look into his eyes I’ll change my mind. So I stare at the floor until he lets me go.
‘You’ve been drinking, haven’t you?’ he says as he steps back.
‘No.’ I blush with guilt.
‘You have.’ His voice is soft. ‘You keep a bottle of vodka in your bag. I thought you were stronger than this. You were so adamant that you weren’t going to turn out like your—’
I walk away, slamming the door behind me. But I’ve gone too far; I can’t compete in the election without a running partner, and therefore hurting Luke will hurt me even more.
Chapter Thirty-one
Caitlin
‘So Stella and Luke split up?’ Caroline asked happily at dinner.
I’d been headed to the Star table, but, as Ruby and Caroline’s corner looked so much more appealing than the prospect of Lila and Penny staring gloomily at a laptop, I’d joined them instead. Stella and Mary-Ann were also at the Star table, but the factions between the two groups were obvious.
‘I can’t believe they’d do it right before Speech Day,’ Caroline continued. ‘How can they coordinate their campaign now?’
‘It’s really bad timing,’ I agreed, trying to ignore the goosebumps I got every time I thought about giving a speech to the entire school. Despite Edward’s help, I had no idea how I was going to get through it.
‘Is it true Luke’s going to stay with you for the summer?’ Caroline asked enviously.
I smiled, trying to convey a yes without lying. Actually Luke would be living in a dorm fifty blocks from my house and working the same hours as my mom, so he’d be lucky if he even got a glimpse of the skyline during daylight hours, but no one had to know that. It was enough of a coup that I’d been the one to tell him about the research opportunity, not to mention the fact that, as long as he was locked in an underground lab in Washington Heights, he couldn’t be with Stella.
‘Do you know what happened between them?’ Ruby asked. ‘Luke seems to talk to you more than anyone these days.’
‘Not really.’ I flicked my hair, trying to look mysterious, and moved some salad leaves around my plate. It was hard not to wonder when my photo was being taken. The previous week a terrible video posted online of me eating a sandwich had shown me why the other Stars only ate visually appealing food in public. If they ate anything at all, that was.
Ruby did a double-take. ‘You took off your earrings?’
‘Yes,’ I said proudly. It had taken nerve, but I was determined that this had to be done. ‘I think you should be a Star again, so I’m not going to wear them until they return yours. You’ve been punished for long enough.’
This didn’t seem too radical, because the Stars as I’d first known them didn’t exist. With Stella and Katrina fighting, and Lila and Penny surely wondering whose team to be on, numbers needed a boost. It was stupid to keep excluding Ruby when they were so unstable.
‘I don’t see that happening,’ Ruby said. ‘Especially not now I’m standing against Stella.’
I hoped I looked supportive rather than scared. ‘You defended me last semester when Stella caught us in Lucy’s room. Now I want to do the same for you.’
I glanced up as Katrina joined us. She removed her own earrings, defiantly tying her hair back into a ponytail and looking so fierce that I burst into laughter.
Caroline spoke nervously. ‘Penny and Lila look like they want to kill you.’
I looked over quickly to the Star table. Penny and Lila were irrelevant, because I only needed to know whether Stella had seen. But as usual her face gave nothing away.
Katrina grinned as she high-fived first me and then Ruby. ‘We had no choice. We don’t want to get walked over anymore.’
My phone rang and I tossed it aside as I saw who it was. ‘Are you fighting with your dad?’ Ruby asked, glancing at the display.
‘It’s nothing,’ I said tightly. I hadn’t spoken to him or my mom for a while, but I wasn’t about to tell anyone that. There was no advantage to sharing family problems, and it was clear that Stella hadn’t climbed the ladder by being a devoted daughter and sister.
My dad’s call had ruined my mood, and I searched for a change of subject to distract myself. ‘Did I tell you I’ve decided to apply to Oxford?’ I asked, remembering the conversation I’d just had with Mr Trevelyan.
‘I thought you wanted to go to Yale?’ Katrina said.
‘I was thinking about it…’ I tried to sound casual, as if I hadn’t worn a Yale pin since I was five, not to mention that I’d always planned to apply pre-med. ‘But I’m going to apply to schools in England instead. After all, what better place to study English Literature?’
I hadn’t spoken loudly, but Stella had a sixth sense for topics that involved her and she stopped beside me on her way out of the room. White had always been her favourite colour, but recently she seemed to wear nothing else, switching between dozens of ethereal dresses. Her complexion was clear as china against her lace collar, her cornflower eyes enormous, and she was particularly swan-like at that moment, her gilded surface serene and unfathomable.
‘Why have you suddenly decided this?’ she asked.
I considered backtracking, but she’d already seen the A* on the essay I’d laid on the table and the silver star Jamie had stuck beside the grade. Her expression didn’t change, but I was sure I saw it flicker, just for a second, before her glacial veneer restored itself.
I took a deep breath. ‘You’re not afraid of a little competition, are you?’ I said as boldly as I could. ‘It must get boring to win every time.’
She smiled. ‘Winning never gets boring. Not that you’d know.’
Katrina opened her mouth in outrage, but I didn’t want her fighting my battles for me. I leaned back and looked Stella right in the eye. ‘You know what? Neither of us has gotten in yet, but I have as much right to apply as you do.’
Katrina wasn’t going to be left out, and she stood up as the whole room fell silent. ‘The Head Girl always goes to Oxford, Stella,’ she said loudly. ‘Hasn’t anyone told you that Caitlin is a candidate this year?’
If Stella had known about me and Edward, she’d never let on, and Penny and Lila had continued to speculate about Edward’s choice of partner as students amused themselves by writing their own suggestions in the space on the noticeboard. Bella Swan … Primrose Everdeen … Carrie White … had been scrawled and crossed out, but, judging by the stunned reaction to Katrina’s words, none of these names was as unlikely as mine.
Mary-Ann, prim in Chanel tweed and a bow tie, grabbed her bag and followed Stella as she stalked out of the room without saying another word. Once they’d gone, Katrina reached for my hand and then Ruby’s, and we sat like that for a moment as if understanding that something was about to change. Lila glared at us from the Star table, and then, after a moment’s silent communication with Katrina, she shrugged in surrender.
‘No one blames us for doing this,’ Katrina murmured. ‘They can see we had no choice.’
We broke apart as Edward joined us. ‘I thought we were keeping you a secret until tomorrow?’ he asked me.
‘Sorry,’ Katrina said contritely. ‘It was my fault.’
Edward looked annoyed for a second and then grinned as he slung an arm around me. ‘At least you did it theatrically,’ he acknowledged. ‘We should get a few virtual column inches out of it, which is the priority right now.’
Most of the students were still focused on our table so I kissed him hard, not pulling away until I heard the click of a camera.
‘Nice work,’ I heard Katrina murmur. ‘I can see you’re already getting the hang of this.’
‘Can we go to your room?’ I said into Edward’s ear. ‘I’ve hardly seen you recently.’
As we left the cafeteria, I knew without checking that everyone was watching.
* * *
‘Did you want a last run-through before tomorrow?’ he asked as he shut the door and picked up the speech we’d been practising.
‘I guess so,’ I said reluctantly. ‘Unless…’
Sometimes I worried that our relationship felt more like business than anything else. Not to mention that we spent most of our time talking about Stella. Edward wasn’t Luke, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t like being in a relationship with him. For now, at least.
‘Unless what?’ he asked, half-smiling.
Before I could think twice, I unbuttoned my top. I heard him inhale sharply as I tugged his shirt over his head and lay beside him, skin-on-skin for the first time.
Eventually he groaned and pulled away. ‘You’re killing me,’ he said, running his hand through his hair.
‘Don’t stop,’ I said impatiently. ‘What’s the matter?’
He looked exasperated. ‘You have no idea how much willpower it’s taking not to rip your clothes off right now.’
‘I want that too,’ I said.
‘You do?’ It was the first time I hadn’t reminded him of my unshakeable beliefs on the subject. ‘Then what…?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said.
Why did sex have to be such a big deal, after all? People these days didn’t get married until they were in their thirties. Was I supposed to wait until I was that old?
‘I’ll think about it,’ I whispered, kissing his neck. He smelled like citrus.
‘So will I,’ he said hoarsely.
As he pulled me towards him, I considered the inescapable fact that sex would give me and Edward a bond that Stella could never compete with. Now she’d lost Luke, it might be my smartest move to stop her from clawing back Edward in her diminished state.
And if that wasn’t worth a re-evaluation of my beliefs, then what was?
Chapter Thirty-two
Stella
Speech Day requires candidates to speak publicly about their suitability for the Head Girl or Boy role. Our manifestos detail the changes and improvements we’d make if elected (none of these ever comes to fruition, so you can write whatever you want) and are displayed in the library for wavering voters.
I sit beside Mary-Ann on the hall stage as the students file in. She’s staring at her phone, a horrified expression on her face. I lean closer and feel myself turn red at a Twitter image of her wearing a short-sleeved shirt, the mosaic of scars on her arms clearly visible.
‘Who posted that?’ I ask.
She rolls her long sleeves further down so they cover her hands. ‘Does it matter?’ she says miserably. ‘It’s too late to do anything about it: everyone knows now.’
I try to sound strong, masking my guilt at having dragged her into this. ‘Things will change today, as soon as we give our speech.’
‘Maybe,’ she says hesitantly, ‘we should have written our own speech instead of…’
I have a horrible fear that she’s right, but it’s too late to do anything about it.
‘Siena won hands down with this exact speech,’ I say firmly. ‘There’s no way we can fail.’
The whole school is here. Attendance isn’t compulsory, but this is the nearest thing we have to reality television. I nod stiffly at Luke as he takes his seat beside Tom, his new campaign manager, but he doesn’t even acknowledge me. We’ve had exactly one conversation since we split up, which clangs in my head as I watch him check his notes. I won’t withdraw, because I understand why you need to do this, he said, looking exhausted and unhappy. But you should know I don’t want anything to do with this election and I never did.
We’ve drawn lots to decide who should speak first. I drew second, so have to listen to Lucy drone on about scholarships for the most academically able, the opportunity for extended prep at exam times, and for PE for Sixth Formers to make way for extra – you’ve guessed it – study periods. Her voice is shaking and her tongue clicks against the roof of her mouth as if she desperately needs water. I recognize her polka-dot dress from Katrina’s Scientology phase. Katrina could almost carry it off, but it makes Lucy look like a member of the WI. I scan the audience for their reactions, which are as you’d expect: expectancy. She draws to a halt just as Dr Tringle shakes her stopwatch, and squints at the dutiful applause. Hannah, her campaign manager, gives her a big thumbs up as she shuffles, pigeon-toed, back to her seat.
I stare at my shoes as Lucy’s running partner, a squeaky-voiced boy I vaguely recall from the front row of our Fifth Form Maths class, gives a speech that is notable only for being more boring than hers. Then Mary-Ann squeezes my hand as she introduces me and I’m embarrassed because my palms are sweating. I put my papers on the podium and face the audience, wishing I were somewhere, or someone, else right now.
‘Fellow students, staff and governors,’ I begin. I flash a winning smile in the direction of Dr Tringle, who’s listening intently. ‘We’re here to begin the process of electing the new Head Girl; I’m here to explain why I’m the best, and indeed the only, person to fulfil this role.’
I see a couple of Fifth Formers roll their eyes at each other. Jealousy.
‘I’ve consistently proven myself capable of dealing with whatever life has thrown at me. I’ve been voted Student of the Year four times. I’ve won awards for my academic work, my extra-curricular activities –’ someone interrupts me here with a loud whoop, which I ignore – ‘and my contribution to school life. If you elect me to lead you next year, I’ll offer the same dedication to the post of Head Girl as I’ve given to every other activity I’ve participated in.’
‘Change the record, Hamilton,’ shouts someone. It sounds like Ally, but the spotlight’s in my eyes and I can’t see beyond the first few rows.
I can hear sniggering, and I glance at Mary-Ann, who motions at my notes as if she’s pointing out the emergency exits.
‘I … if you elect me to lead you next year, I will—’
‘Y
ou’ve read that bit,’ she hisses.
I can’t work out what’s going on. How could I have misjudged this so badly? I stumble on, hardly aware of what I’m reading. I can hear people whispering and Dr Tringle telling them to be quiet. At the end she claps firmly and a few people join in. I stare at Mary-Ann, unable to react. We take our seats.
Chapter Thirty-three
Caitlin
I froze at the cat-calling that accompanied Stella’s speech.
‘Why are they being so mean?’ I muttered to Edward. ‘Will they do the same to me?’
He looked a little worried. ‘Of course not,’ he whispered staunchly. ‘Stay calm.’
I breathed in, out, in, until Luke stepped forward for his own speech. He gave Stella a strange glance as he passed her and I felt horrible for him: she’d totally ruined his chances too. The speeches were supposed to be a joint effort, but he’d clearly had no clue what she was going to say.
Luke’s speech was warm and funny, his smile enough to bring the house down, but the audience was buoyed up and wouldn’t laugh in the right places. He was tense and I could tell he didn’t get through everything he’d planned to say before he stopped talking and nodded awkwardly. The applause was half-hearted and Tom grimaced in disbelief as he took his seat.
That made me more nervous than ever. My heart hammered and my hands shook as my name was called. For a second I sat mute.
‘You can do this,’ Edward said as Katrina nodded in support. ‘I’ve already told you: I have complete faith in you.’
I looked around helplessly for an escape route. What had I been thinking? Public speaking was literally my worst nightmare, and I’d chosen this as my first attempt?
Then my eyes caught Stella’s. Despite what had just happened, she looked pleased, and I understood why: she thought I’d lost my nerve. If I tanked, we’d be back on an equal footing. And the students yesterday had been so shocked by the news that their reaction to me was impossible to predict.
I got to my feet as Dr Tringle repeated my name. Walking to the podium felt like being sent to the gallows and I was sure I was going to pass out. I was too hot, and I took off my cardigan as Katrina adjusted the microphone and introduced me.