by Nhys Glover
It was too much. He drew back and then thrust deep, drew back and thrust deep again, feeling the slick friction building. Then it was only sensation, as he raced toward his own release. And when it came, he felt as if the top of his head was blown off, and he spun out into the Universe.
Liv lay beneath the heavy weight of her husband, feeling strangely dissociated from the world around her. For some timeless period, she had been pure sensation. Thoughts were forgotten, boundaries forgotten, conventions unknown. There had been nothing but Rene’s pounding strength battering her soft shores until even that distinction faded away, and she was the pounding strength, too. She was everything. And nothing. And it was so overwhelming that, for a while at least, she blacked out.
Her sisters had lied to her. The marriage bed was not painful, nor was it passingly pleasant. Pleasant was such an insipid word for what they had just shared. It had been wild and explosive, like the thunderstorm of two nights before. It had beaten her into submission with pleasure, and then sent her over the edge into ecstasy. Had it been painful? Exquisitely so!
And now as she felt Rene ease his weight from her, she wrapped her legs around his thighs so that he could not take from her that part of him that had fit so perfectly. That part that had made her whole.
Sensing her need, he pushed into her deeply, and the rush of pleasure swamped her for a moment. So tired… her body felt so tired… and yet she was energised in a way that she’d never experienced before. She wanted him to take her to that place again, and she squirmed under him, wanting more.
He laughed against her neck, and moved a little. Then his muscles of his torso became rigid. ‘Mon Dieu, I am hard again. This cannot be…’
She didn’t know what he meant. But she didn’t question him. The feeling of fullness was returning, and she moved her body so that she could make the most of the sensation. Then he was drawing back from her, and there was a moment’s fear that he would leave her. Then he was driving deep once more, and she cried out, and clung to his strong shoulders, afraid that she would fall.
The piston beat began in earnest again, and she lost herself to the rhythm. It fleetingly reminded her of the sight of Travis orchestrating colour. But it was her blood that was swirling now, thrumming like a taut string from her toes to the top of her head. And it was the heat of Rene’s body that fuelled the fever inside her, until she exploded in white-hot flames around him, screaming out his name as she fell into darkness once more
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CHAPTER THIRTEEN
The next week was the happiest and most contented Rene had ever known. The world was more beautiful than he had ever realised. For so long, he had only seen the wounds of their damaged planet. All that stood out was what had been lost. In his mind, the Earth had seemed like a mutilated and broken victim of some awful crime, the blood and filth hiding everything else that was there. But now it was as if he saw what was beneath, what had always been beneath, even in the worst moments of destruction. He saw the strength and resilience of life. He saw the beauty of all that had survived.
And his sense of wonder expanded every time Liv gasped with awe at one thing or another. He saw his world anew through her eyes – not a dying planet, but a reborn one, filled with fresh and exciting possibilities.
When he had shown her the terrarium with the giant earthworms burrowing down to the water below, she was fascinated. So much so, that he was hard pressed to get her out of the laboratory again. Her questions were all intelligent, and sometimes they pushed him into areas he hadn’t considered before. She was insatiable, in bed and out of it.
When he thought of the person he had been before her, and the person he was now, it was hard to credit. For hundreds of years, it was as if he had been sleeping or comatose. His brain had functioned, but his body and emotions had been dead. Now they were alive, coursing through him like fire. Jane had observed that he was lighter after meeting Liv. But it was more than lightness; it was energy – pulsing, insistent energy. And it kept him on a constant high.
Some days, he couldn’t work out what he needed more – to be inside her, or to be showing her the wonders of his world. When he did one, there was a part of him that was anxious and impatient to be doing the other. There didn’t seem to be enough time. He felt like he was on some kind of drug like MDMA, which used to be popularly called Ecstasy.
At other times, particularly as they lay together after sex, he felt a peace he had never known. It was as if he wanted for nothing, as long as she was beside him. The world was perfect, just the way it was.
And he wanted to be perfect for her. He wanted to root out all his shortcomings, and correct them. Where this insecurity came from, he wasn’t sure, but it drove him relentlessly.
One morning, toward the end of their honeymoon week, they were quietly watching the sun rise over the silver ocean. Liv’s golden hair was spread like a blanket over his chest, and he kept breathing it in, and stoking its glossy smoothness. She had taken one hand in his, and was studying it closely, as if it were one of his specimens. He became only too aware of the darkness of his skin, and the squareness of his hands. They were not pale and elegant like hers. Workman’s hands, and even though these particular hands had no callouses, there had been many sets before these that had been calloused and rough, from hard manual labour for the tribe.
‘There is cream I can use to lighten the colour… if you prefer…’ he found himself saying, trying to draw his hand away, to hide it.
‘Why would I prefer it?’ she asked, clinging to his hand. Then she shifted onto her side, and eased up onto an elbow so she could look down into his eyes. Her hair fell about her face like a waterfall of gold.
‘Do you know how often you say things like that? Would I prefer you this way or that…’
He felt flustered and a little angered by the way that made him sound. He wasn’t that needy and insecure. It never mattered to him what people thought of him.
It had never mattered before what people thought of him. But now it did, he realised with a start. Now he cared too much what this one person thought of him.
‘Rene, you are handsome, intelligent and worthy of respect and love. Why would I “prefer” you to be different?’
He thought about her question, and when he felt he had an honest answer, he started to talk. Self-reflection did not come naturally to him, but he understood her need for it. So he gave her what he could.
‘I am not normally like this. Usually, I could care a less for how others see me, physically or in terms of the choices I have made in my life. Even as a youth, in the days before the Last Great Plague, I was a little bit wild, and considered no one’s point of view but my own.
‘Being of mixed race sometimes caused me grief. There was not a lot of racial prejudice in my time. But occasionally the tensions created by a dying planet resulted in racially directed unrest. My skin was dark, compared to most of the people I associated with at school and University. I got used to people – women, I suppose – either finding it attractive or repellent. I used the attraction, and ignored those who were obviously repelled. I got used to people commenting on my eyes, as if I was some exotic species. I got used to seeing myself as different. In the tribes I lived with for lifetimes, I was always different. Back here, I was always the primitive. I walked two paths and never belonged to either. And it never mattered – because it was my path.
‘But since I met you, I find I look at myself through your eyes – and I see my imperfections. My skin is too dark, and my hands are too square and clumsy. I wish my manhood was larger so it would please you more. I wish I didn’t look like a hairless youth. My feet seem too big. I am too serious. I do not know how to entertain you with my words. I watch you looking at other men, and I wonder what they have that I do not. And if I knew, I would get it… whatever it took.’
Throughout his speech, Liv had been shaking her head very slightly. Finally, she put her hand over his mouth.
‘I understand a little of what you ar
e feeling. I look at Jane, and wish I was as pretty as her. I wonder if you would have fallen in love with her, if she had not met Julio first. No…do not say anything.’ She kept her hand over his mouth to stop his denial from being spoken. ‘I know you love me. I know you think I am beautiful. It is just the insecurities of love that make me think this way. Just as it is only the insecurities of love that make you feel the way you do.
‘Your brown skin is beautiful. I wish my skin was that colour. I like that your hands are big and square. They are strong hands. I wouldn’t want you hairy, or with smaller feet. I do not look at other men, and wish you looked more like them. I look at them, and see only you. I do not care that your ancestry is mixed. It makes you unique. I love that you are different from everyone else. I love that you are serious about saving the planet. I am no silly Miss who must be entertained. I am capable of entertaining myself, if need be. But talking to you about weighty matters, like your plans for regeneration: that is entertainment to me. I am a serious woman, I require a serious man.’
She frowned for a moment, and then her face cleared. ‘Ah, that is the one I missed. I do not require a man with a larger appendage. You give me more pleasure than any woman could or should expect. And I think I have now covered everything. Which brings me to my inept skills at pleasing you…’
He shook off her hand, and grabbed a length of her hair. He drew her face down to his. As their lips met, he said against hers, ‘You are a quick study, Ma Chere, in everything you do. No woman could please me more.’
Then he was kissing her with the feverish intensity that was his perpetual state. As the morning sun warmed their skin, he heated their bodies until all thoughts of insecurities or imperfections were gone. If she thought him perfect, then that was all that mattered.
But the acid that ate silently away at his contentment continued. If he was all that she thought he was, he would be able to find a way to save her. He would not give up and let her die, not matter what his government and the committee said. A real man did not let such a thing happen. A real man would fight to keep what was his.
Autumn 2335 New Atlantis, GAIAN CONFEDERACY
‘I can see young Bart has been on the scene,’ Jane said, as she approached her friend at the experimental garden on the edge of the city. Liv looked up from the Tablet, on which she had been mentally recording her findings, and smiled.
‘Oh yes, Bartholomew is like a small tornado, but he means well. Faith had him out here helping, earlier this morning. She says he is settling in much better now. At first he did not like being separated from his charges.’
‘That kid has been a little protector ever since he was rescued from the Death Train. They call him Luke’s MiniMe. I didn’t get it until I watched Austin Powers. But he really is Luke, right down to the ground. I’m glad Luke and Faith adopted him.’
‘As am I. But I still do not understand Austin Powers’ humour, although I do comprehend the reference.’ Liv made the Dr Evil gesture, and Jane laughed.
‘We’ll have you caught up with Pop Culture in no time at all…’ Jane’s face suddenly pale, as she realised her mistake. Liv felt her heart squeeze tight. There was no time left for learning more Pop Culture or anything else.
‘How’re you doing, Liv?’ Jane asked gently.
‘Tired but well. The worms have expanded the arable land by a square yard on every side, in the last month. And soil samples show a marked increase in nutrient content. The team are extremely impressed by the results.
‘We have introduced a protein-rich ground cover that became extinct in the late Twentieth Century. It is fast growing, and keeps the soil moist. Being a food source also adds to its value, as does the fact that it does not compete with the larger plants we introduce. And the beetles find the ground cover perfect shelter. The bees on the island seem to have discovered the small flowers of the ground cover too. And this morning I noticed butterflies – I will need to identify them later.’
‘Wow, no wonder you’re tired. It makes our little trip to London in the later 1950s seem like a walk in the park.’
‘Did you successfully Retrieve the sisters that went missing? Was it an abduction?’
‘Yes. And no, it wasn’t. The girls had gone down into the tunnels beneath the city on a dare, and we were able to find them before they got too lost. They’re a feisty pair. They keep demanding we take them home.’
Liv had learned all about the Retrieval process, and she knew that no one, once Retrieved, could go home. Except her. She was the only one who still had a life back there. The familiar sadness began to overwhelm her again. After nearly a year in this world, the thought of going back to 1810 was misery. Not that she wouldn’t like to see her sisters, aunt and father again. But that life just seemed so bare, now that she had experienced the richness of life here with Rene.
She would be able to bear it if Rene had been able to join her, but her secret investigations had not turned up any mention of Rene. But at least she wouldn’t have to live long without him. Although the information had been blocked to her initially, she had discovered a way around the block to find the truth of her own destiny. She understood the heart-wrenching sadness she felt in Rene every minute of the day. She understood the nightmares that troubled his few hours’ sleep every night.
Since the committee had finally given her a departure date, the dreams had become worse. There was wildness in his eyes. She knew he was planning something crazy, but because she didn’t want him to know she had discovered her fate when she went back, she said nothing. They had two weeks left. It was not nearly enough.
‘How is Rene holding up?’ Jane asked softly, sitting down on a rock at the edge of the garden.
‘Not good. He cannot sleep. His work is falling off. He has even taken to avoiding me. This is our last few weeks together, and he can barely look me in the eye. It hurts so much.’
Jane nodded silently, and played with the long copper plait that usually hung down her back. ‘I’ve tried to talk to him, but he keeps closing me down. I even got Jac to have a word, because I was starting to think he was hatching some plan to escape with you to somewhere in-situ. He can’t do that Liv, even if it was possible. You can’t know the possible ramifications such a change might cause the Continuum. It’s dangerous thinking…’
‘Do not worry, I will not let him do anything like that. I think that is one reason he avoids me. He knows I will fight him if he tries to take me out of my time-line. And this world needs him too much. His work – this work,’ she gestured to the greenery all around them. ‘This is so important. More important than any one person. He has to stay. He has to continue on doing what he can for the world.’
‘They’re worried he’ll crash and burn. When you’re gone. They’re saying it was a bad idea to have allowed you to stay this long.’
‘They are probably right. If I had known the torture I would inflict on him, I would have gone home immediately. I wish… for his sake only… that he’d never met me.’
‘No matter how devastated he’s feeling now, and will feel later… I know he would never trade the time you two have had. He’s alive now, where before he was just a shell, driven only by a bitter oath he made to his mother.’
‘Bitter Oath? He has not told me of this.’ Liv looked across at Jane, and tried to fight down the jealousy that always came when the extent of her husband’s friendship with the girl became apparent.
‘He told me about it months before you came into his life. He was only a boy of ten, and his mother had taken him out into the wilderness, and inundated him with the details of all that had gone. The rape of the land, the destruction of habitat. And she made him swear to spend his life in service to the planet. Fighting to save it, in whatever way he could. He called it a Bitter Oath, because it seemed so hopeless back then. There seemed no way that they would ever be able to save the environment.’
‘And now there is. He must be made to stay true to his Oath. It would destroy me to know he threw it all a
way for me.’
Later that day, Liv made a point of tracking Rene down so that they could have the talk he had been avoiding for weeks. He came to bed late, made love to her until they were both replete, and then would sleep for a few hours before the nightmares would wake him. Then he would leave their bed, and disappear for the rest of the night. She would find him huddled over his Tablet, but he would never show her what he was looking at.
Now it was way past the time for talking.
Rene had his head bent over a petri dish when she entered his lab. His blue-black lock of hair was too long and unkempt. His body was bent over as if he was hundred years old, and when he looked up at her, she knew she would see the dark circles under his eyes and the tired lines that made him look years older than a man in his early twenties.
For a few minutes, she stood silently watching him. He knew she was there, but had not acknowledged her presence. After an insultingly long time, she finally cleared her throat and spoke.
‘Why are you hurting me like this, Rene? What have I done to deserve this treatment?’ she said softly.
That got his attention. His head shot up, and the wildness and pain she saw in his blue eyes almost broke her heart.
‘I am sorry. You have done nothing wrong. I am just struggling with … fate.’ His voice was a tired growl. But at least he was talking to her. That gave her hope.
‘Do you want our last weeks together to be as strangers? Shouldn’t we be spending every moment together, building more memories to carry us through the lonely times to come?’
He shook his head in exhaustion. ‘I cannot. Every time I look at you, I feel my failure. It is taking everything I have just to get through these last days. Please do not ask me for more…’