“Ky needs to learn that Ashlyn can do whatever the fuck she wants,” I shot out before I could stop myself. Two sets of eyes fell to me—Eden’s wide with wonderment, and Ashlyn’s wide with shock. Eden’s phone dinged in her hand, and her eyes fell from mine to her phone.
“Ease up, Tarzan. Just go along with it and stop beating your chest so obviously,” Ashlyn whispered beside me.
That nickname would be the death of me.
“I’ve been summoned by my lovely fiancé, so I’ll talk to you both soon. Ash, I’ll see you for wine time on Friday. And Josh, I will get to the bottom of this. I know there is someone.”
“I’ll keep working on him. I think I saw a hot blond in here the other day,” Ashlyn admitted with a smirk. “See you on Friday, babe.”
The moment the door closed behind Eden, I swung around to Ashlyn. Her shoulders slouched as she took a deep breath, and she moved to the large window that looked out over the city. I rubbed my temples as a tension headache appeared, and tried to figure out what I could say to correct what had just happened.
I crossed the room until I was standing behind her. In the reflection of the glass, her eyes met mine and she offered me a brief smile. My arms threaded around her waist and my hands clasped together, resting on her stomach.
“I’m not kissing anyone, I’m not touching anyone, and I’m certainly not fucking anyone.”
Our gazes remained locked, and I was desperate for her to believe the sincerity of my words. The hesitation of her actions and the confusion that I witnessed repeatedly weren’t lost on me, no matter how hard she tried to hide it. My reputation wasn’t favorable, and that was something I had to live with, but having it put on display like that was the worst thing that could have happened. Ashlyn had a front-row seat to the life I led, the one of the cliché bachelor, and now here I was trying to make her see that my back was turned to that lifestyle. Now was the time for me to fix her broken and shattered heart and show her what true love had the capacity to be. I was fighting a life-changing battle. One thing I refused, though, was to be put in the same column as Lachlan.
“I’m not him,” I whispered huskily into her ear. A shiver traveled down her body, and her hands fell to mine.
“I’m not him,” I repeated, this time kissing the skin beneath her ear after I spoke. When I pulled away and looked into the reflection of the glass, I found that she had closed her eyes.
“Ashlyn, I’m not him.”
I would continue to say it until she told me to stop, or until she pulled away. Everything about this was in her court. I would continue to come at her, to push my way into her every waking thought, and hopefully appear in her dreams. I needed her to know that I wasn’t going anywhere. I would not make that mistake again. Ashlyn Hart was the temptation of the only life I wanted.
“I know,” she finally replied.
“What will it take for you to truly believe that?”
She twisted in my arms until we were chest to chest. Her hands came around me and grabbed the back of my belt, but I remained silent. “I’d say you’re doing a pretty good job at making me believe it.”
“You’re the only one I see, Ashy. I don’t want or need to be with anyone else. I’m pissed off that you are constantly reminded of who I was and who I’ve been with. You don’t need that reminder, especially when you are sharing your body with me.”
Her laugher was like music to my ears. “Is that what I’m doing? Sharing my body with you?”
“Ashlyn, I’ve given you multiple orgasms, you’ve come on my fingers, tongue, and cock, and I’ve fallen asleep with you in my arms. So yeah, I think that constitutes you sharing your body with me.”
Her cheeks flushed, but her eyes never left mine. “You have a way with words, Joshua Crawford, but I guess I can’t really disagree with any of that. Does this mean we have officially stepped into friends-with-benefits territory?”
She could not be serious. There was no way that this woman just referred to herself as my friend with benefits. I wanted to climb inside her head and erase every possible reason why she would come to that conclusion. I stepped away and moved back to my desk. A look of misunderstanding washed over her face, and her green eyes shimmered with confusion. I leaned against my desk, and crossed my legs at my ankles and my arms over my chest. My gaze locked with hers, and a chilly silence fell between us.
“Is that what you think?” I asked, my voice deep and more intimidating than I wanted. “That you are just a friend who I happen to be fucking?”
“We have had sex once, Josh,” she said in a breathy voice.
“Fine, if you want to get into specifics, I’ll rephrase my question. Are you just a friend who I have had sex with once, but who I have kissed and finger fucked more than once? You think I look at you as a friend with benefits?”
Her eyes turned intense and her jaw tightened. “That’s all I can be.”
“That’s bullshit. Have I not touched you, kissed you, fucked you? Have I not given you a clear sign that you are my girl? I’d give you the world, Ashy. I would give you my final breath if it meant I didn’t have to live a moment without you. Sorry if that freaks you out, but that’s the truth. Time means nothing when it comes to how I feel about you, because I’ve felt like this for a long fucking time. You aren’t a casual fling to me, and you aren’t a friend with benefits. Get the fucked up thought of being a notch on my belt out of your head too.”
“It’s not bullshit, Josh,” she whispered. “Hearing you say all of that is like living a dream. Do you know how long I’ve wanted to hear that? How many years I wished for those words to spill from you? But I’ve changed, and I feel like in some fucked up way that I’m damaged goods. All I can give is casual. Five years ago, we had a chance, but it felt like all you wanted was a one-night stand. I lived for a happily-ever-after, and you chose a path of random girls and no commitment.”
My jaw clenched at the words she was spitting. For the past five years, this was what she’d been thinking? That she was a one-night stand, and that was all I wanted? That was so far from the truth. “You have absolutely no clue what happened five years ago. The fact that you even considered yourself a one-night stand pisses me off.”
She crossed the office and stood before me. “I’m standing right here, Josh. Tell me. Make me believe it. You’ve been so incredible to me, and no one has ever treated me like you have recently. Fuck, you’ve made me believe that I am worthy of finding love one day. You make every bad thing disappear with a kiss, a look, or a simple touch. You, Josh. No one else. But every single time I feel myself start to fall, I have to catch myself. I can’t trust that my heart won’t get broken again, because I can’t shift the thought that I was just some random girl to you.”
I hooked my finger into the hoop of her jeans and pulled her hard against my body. Her hands went flush against my chest, and she looked up at me with shock and intrigue. My lips collided with hers in a hard kiss. There was no softness, there was no romance, and there was no thinking. All I wanted was to show her the strength I had behind everything I felt for her. I wanted to bruise her lips so she’d remember this moment for days to come. Her gasp rang through my body as she breathed in everything I was giving her.
Broken breathing filled my office as I pulled away, leaving my mouth lightly brushing against hers, while my lips were caressed by her desperate need for air. “You have never been a random girl to me. You, Ashlyn, are everything. Do not let that thought get inside your head, because I’ll make it my mission to destroy it.”
“Tell me. I need to know,” she whispered.
Suddenly, the air around us shifted, and Ashlyn stepped away as the door opened. She wiped her lips and removed the smudged color just as Ky and Eden stepped into my office.
Perfect fucking timing.
“Just the two people we wanted to see,” Ky said with a wide smile gracing his face.
“Have you found out anything, Ash?” Eden asked, shooting me a cheeky wink. Jesus, she wa
sn’t going to let up.
“Not yet. Still working on finding out what I want to know,” she replied, with more meaning behind her words then Eden would ever know.
Ky grabbed Eden’s hand, and suddenly the loved-up couple appeared. Eden looked up at him with happiness radiating off of her, and Ky’s smile somehow got bigger. I could be kissing Ashlyn instead of witnessing this. Fucking hell.
“We have decided on a joint bachelor and bachelorette party. The west coast crew are coming over for Red Velvet New York’s birthday celebration, so we are going to have it then and combine them.”
What the actual fuck?
There was no way my only brother would be sharing his bachelor party. I’d been planning an epic celebration since he announced his engagement. It would seem that Ky had suddenly lost his balls.
“So, Savannah and Tanzi will be here?” Ashlyn asked excitedly.
“Yep, Tate and Jack are coming over too.”
Tate Connors was the owner of Red Velvet, and Savannah’s husband. I met him when I first met his twin, Tanzi Connors, who worked for Beautify Magazine in Los Angeles. Jack had been Tanzi’s fiancé for as long as I could remember. I spent plenty of nights at Red Velvet L.A. Ashlyn, Ky, and more recently, Eden, had become good friends with them over the years, and whenever any of us were in each other’s cities we would catch up.
“This calls for a shopping adventure. New dresses, shoes, lingerie, the whole shebang,” Ashlyn said excitedly.
All I focused on was lingerie. Christ, she had me by the balls.
“Let’s go grab coffee so we can make plans,” Eden said. “I’ll go and grab my things from Ky’s office and meet you downstairs.”
Ky and Eden left, and I closed the door behind them. Ashlyn grabbed her purse and put it over her shoulder, then pulled her sunglasses out and rested them on her head.
“I’m coming over tonight, and I’ll tell you everything you want to know,” I said.
I leaned in to kiss her, but she turned her head suddenly and my lips landed on her cheek. It was a kick to the gut, but it was clear that her defenses were shooting up at a fast fucking rate.
“I’ll see you tonight,” she said softly, and dropped her gaze from mine. The urge to grab her, drag her back into my office, and sort this out right now was almost too hard to fight, but that would make her flee even faster.
In a thick silence, I watched her move slowly to the door. Her hand fell to the handle, and everything seemed to come to a screeching halt as she paused. Stay, please stay. When I looked over her shoulder, her eyes met mine, and I waited with baited breath.
“Right now, I feel like I’m falling,” she whispered.
There was absolutely no hesitation in my response. “Let me catch you, Ashy.”
HOW MANY TIMES DID I have to tell him?
I paced my apartment, fuming at the deluge of messages I’d received from Lachlan throughout the day. I refused to acknowledge them, and the more I ignored him, the more he persisted. But I refused to give in. He was pissing me off now. I wasn’t just frustrated, I was literally ready to find him and put him on a plane myself. Around three P.M., I finally turned my phone off and hid it deep inside my top drawer.
I sat on the couch, curled up with my kindle, and getting lost in perfect fantasy. My newest book boyfriend would distract me from my ridiculous ex-boyfriend. Once again, fictional presented itself as the better option. I was so engrossed in my book that I didn’t hear the front door open until I heard Josh speak.
“Why aren’t you answering your phone?”
Shit! I had gotten so lost in ignoring Lachlan that I didn’t even think of anyone else who might be trying to get in contact with me. Josh was standing just inside the front door, with two bags hanging from each hand. The smell of Thai food filled the air, and my stomach growled in happiness.
“You bought dinner?” I asked softly, stating the obvious.
“Yep, Thai from the new place on the corner. By the sound of your stomach, you haven’t eaten today?” He shot me a wink, and I couldn’t argue.
“You think you’re so smart. There better be Pad Thai in that bag.”
He scoffed. “Would I be a gentleman if I didn’t bring the fair maiden her favorite food? I’m insulted that you would ask that question.”
Josh disappeared into the kitchen and returned with plates, chop sticks, and two bottles of water. I watched him unload the food, and he even piled my plate high with Pad Thai that smelled unbelievable. Gentleman Josh was one of my favorite sides of him.
“So why have you got your phone turned off?” he asked, handing me a plate and chopsticks. “What would happen if I wanted a booty call?”
“And you just lost your gentleman title.” I laughed before taking my first taste of dinner. “And the title is back, because this Pad Thai is incredible.”
“So, how come?” he pushed.
“Lachlan has been texting and trying to call me all day. By three P.M. I got sick of it, so I turned my phone off and put it in my pantie drawer.”
Josh’s jaw ticked, and his eyes flashed in anger. “What was he saying?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it,” I murmured, and swallowed my words by lifting the bottle of water to my lips.
“Ashy, talk to me. It’s just you and me. Don’t keep that shit bottled up. What did fucker of the century say?”
I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. Even when we were talking about the worst subject, Josh made me smile. “He said I deserved what happened. That I caused him to cheat because I didn’t give him enough of me, and then when I didn’t respond he started spitting all this hate at me. Really immature shit, like my boobs are too small, my thighs are too big, and that I am a crap lay. You know, all the things girls love to hear,” I said sarcastically.
“I, for one, can tell you that your boobs are fucking amazing, your legs are phenomenal, and you are the best lay I’ve had. And you know I don’t joke around when it comes to sex. Number one spot, Ashy.” His voice was casual, but his stare was penetrating, and it hit me right in the heart.
“I just want this whole thing done. How can I possibly move on when he won’t leave me alone? He was the one that stuck his cock in another chick, so why is he doing this? It was his choice.”
“You have moved on, Ashy. Look how much you have changed since he fucked up. You have your blog, your apartment looks incredible, and you’ve had some seriously amazing sex with incredible orgasms.” He shot me a wink, and the tension I felt over talking about Lachlan quickly disappeared.
“Yeah, my vibrator has been amazing lately. Battery-operated sex is the best kind. Best orgasms I’ve ever had.”
“I have to compete with book boyfriends and vibrators, Christ,” he said with a groan. “Tonight we eat Pad Thai, watch some ridiculous reality show, and then climb into bed where I’ll be falling asleep inside of you. You’ll be throwing out your vibrator once I’m done.”
“Promises, promises,” I whispered with a tease in my voice, even though the thought sent heat through me. “You better back it up, Crawford.”
“I am a man of my word, Hart.”
After gorging myself with Pad Thai and putting on my comfiest sweats, I sat on the couch, my head resting on his chest, and his arm around my shoulders. The elephant in the room was getting bigger by the minute. We both knew there was a conversation we needed to finish, but neither one initiated it. I didn’t know why I was holding back. While in his office I was so determined to find out everything, but now it was almost like I was afraid of what I might hear. Dinner had been perfect, cuddling on the couch was exactly what I needed, and I was getting lost in a world of fantasy.
This kind of life is what I wanted.
Uncomplicated, exciting, and spontaneous.
I shifted beside him, and looked up to find him engrossed in the travel show we had been watching. He huffed when he realized it was about London, but he soon got over it and made some inappropriate comment about the royal family, a
nd then proceeded to start talking in the worst British accent I’d ever heard.
He looked down at me and smiled. “Hey.”
And just like that, with the sweetest of smiles and a simple word from him, the butterflies appeared. “I like this,” I whispered.
“Me too.” After tucking my hair behind my ear, he leaned down and brushed my lips so softly with his own, in the most sensual of ways.
I liked this a lot.
“Why didn’t we have this year’s ago? I’ve been trying to work out how I’m so different now than I was five years ago. You took my virginity, Josh, so if you had shown me any interest I would have been yours. I would have given you my heart without question.”
He shifted beside me so we were face to face, which allowed me to witness the emotion that my question caused to flash over his face. It was a look of complete shock and confusion. “You think this is new to me?”
“You had five years, Josh. You walked away. You made me feel like a one-night stand, and then suddenly I was friend-zoned. So tell me why. Please let me understand.”
There was no hesitation in my voice. I wanted the truth because I needed to understand in order to move forward with whatever was happening between us. There was so much holding me back from taking the next step . . . so many unanswered questions. I knew Josh wanted more. He didn’t hold back in the way he would possessively hold me, the claim of ownership I felt in his kiss, or his need to make sure I was okay before everything else.
“From the first moment I saw you in the library, you grabbed a tight hold of my attention, and you’ve never lost it.” The sincerity in his voice told me that he was getting ready to admit everything to me, and my nerves fluttered to life.
“That night at Rosie’s, I had every intention of approaching you, but you completely fucked with my head and made the first move. There’s no doubt in my mind that it was then that I knew you’d forever intrigue me. Having you in my bed, and being given the greatest gift I’d ever received, changed me. Without a doubt, you took my heart that night, and yes that confused me. When I woke up to an empty bed, I made the decision that I was going to find you, then ask you to have breakfast with me and spend the day together. One night with a beautiful blond changed everything, and I was ready to work my ass off to make you mine.
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