by Soraya Naomi
This is all so fucked up, but not much is registering at the moment. I sit here while Luca’s fingers tighten around our clasped hands. Tears stream down my face, but I’m not gasping for air nor is my body trembling. My tears are just silently flowing while I listen to the priest.
After the burial, I have to stay strong while I receive condolences. Teagan and I receive them as I lean back against Luca, who’s holding me up. Though at one point, I can’t take it anymore, and there’s still a line of people waiting, so I turn and press my nose in his chest. Luca’s hands immediately cover my lower back and head.
“I want to leave. I can’t do this anymore,” I whisper and block the world out while Luca wraps me in the protection of his arms.
I hear him addressing Teagan, “Teagan, she wants to leave. I’m taking her home. She’s had enough.”
“I’ll take care of everything here,” she offers while her hand circles my back.
“Adriano can take you home, and he’ll help you,” Luca murmurs.
“Okay, thanks, Luca. Babe?”
I turn my head to Teagan. “I’m just done with this now. I want to be home.”
She nods, and Luca and I escape the suffocating church. Realizing that I don’t want to walk back, he hails a cab outside.
At home, he tucks me under the covers.
“Fai un pisolino.” Take a nap. “Tak—”
“Lo farò.” I will. I cut in before he translates. “I’ve been taking Italian lessons,” I admit with a sad smirk.
Astonished, he looks down at me as he sits beside me on the mattress. “For how long?”
“A couple of weeks. I could already understand a lot of short sentences you said.”
“I know.”
“Just not when...” I pause, hesitant to finish. “...not when you said things in the heat of the moment. That went too quickly and you forgot to translate then.”
He barks out a laugh, causing me to experience my first genuine smile and carefree moment in days.
And I realize that I want him to stay. “Can you stay?”
Checking his watch, he disappointedly answers, “I have to leave because I’ve been neglecting work, but I can come back later?”
When he mentions his work, I’m suddenly weary and wondering what the hell we’re doing, but I ignore it, because we can discuss it later. First, I need to cope with the abuse and losing my parents.
“I changed my locks, but I have a feeling you can find your way in.”
His lips curl up, and he scratches his jaw. “I’m a resourceful man.”
“Hmmm. I’m starting to realize how resourceful you actually are.”
And we both grin. But now guilt follows, and my smile wanes.
“Cosa c'è?” What?
“How can I laugh today? I just buried my parents,” I confess, appalled by my own behavior.
Luca simply pulls the covers down slightly to trace his knuckles over my collarbone, causing a deep tingle in my lower stomach. “That’s not how this works. Of course you can laugh. Don’t you think your parents want you to move on? No parent wants their child to be overcome with grief. Don’t feel guilty for laughing. Honor them with your smile, dolcezza.”
His words spark a hope that one day my broken heart and soul will be mended. And he just called me dolcezza for the first time in ages, which was his nickname for me when we dated.
His knuckles stroke a path down to my neckline, moving over the swells of my breasts as my chest starts to rise and fall rapidly.
He holds my gaze, swallowing me whole, but then he looks away promptly. “Fallon, I have to go.” His voice is rough, and I wonder if he’s telling me or trying to convince himself. Rising, he turns and steps out.
***
Luca returns Saturday night and stays with me Sunday throughout the day. We sleep and shower together, but he doesn’t make a move to take it a step further, which is a slight relief because I’m not sure how I’ll respond since it will be the first time that I’ve been intimate with a man since the sexual abuse. On the other hand, with each day that passes, I’m becoming even more eager for him to make love to me.
On Monday, Wade drops me off at Sylvia’s office again because he and I agree that it’s not safe for me to travel alone while Ashton is still out there. Wade and Luca were amicable to one another at the funeral and haven’t seen each other since then. Wade’s busy with who knows what, and I have a feeling he’s thankful that I have Luca back again. I’ve been depending on Wade a lot lately, and I don’t want to eat up all of his time.
Fortunately, Cam’s waiting inside when I tread through the glass doors after climbing the stairs.
She stands up and rummages through her large leather bag that hangs off her shoulder. “Hey, Fallon.”
“We need to talk before we continue.” I grab her hand as I slide onto the seat in the deserted waiting room. “Cam, I’ve been in contact with Luca and Adriano.”
Her eyes round.
“My parents died last week.”
Her hand flies to her mouth as she sits next to me. “Oh my god.”
The memories of what I found in that study haunt me every night, so I tell her the story quickly, but my tears are unrelenting and track down my face.
“I can’t believe how much you’ve been through the past week.” And she startles me when she surrounds me in a sympathetic embrace.
“It’s been surreal, that’s for sure. But Luca and Adriano have helped me, Cam.” I pull back. “I don’t like lying to them now. Luca has arranged everything for me, and Adriano helped just as much. I believe we should confide in them.”
Cam runs her fingers through her hair once. “I can’t, Fallon, but I completely understand that you don’t want to lie. And you should focus on yourself. How are you?”
Taking a tissue from my purse, I dry my eyes. “I have major ups and downs. The entire week has been a dark cloud, but the people around me keep me sane, and I don’t know what I would’ve done without my friends. Even though I was pushing them all away, from Luca to Teagan and Jason, they’ve all been there for me since my parents passed.”
She takes my hand in hers. “I’m glad you have them, and I appreciate everything you’ve done; don’t worry about me.”
“I can’t not worry about you.” Biting my lower lip, I ponder what to do. She’s my friend, and I honestly believe that if the roles were reversed, she would help me. “I withdrew another five hundred dollars from my account.” I hand her the bills. “Here.”
“Are you sure you can spare it?”
I press the money in her hand. “Take it. I know you’re broke. And give me the disposable phone.”
“I’m not sure that would be wise. What if Luca finds it? I don’t want to cause problems for you.”
“I’ll handle Luca, but you use this week to at least think about confessing to Adriano or Luca. Don’t dismiss my idea right off the bat. Let’s meet again same time next week.”
Sylvia appears in her doorway. “Fallon, are you ready?”
Cam and I stand up and hug.
She slips the new phone into the pocket of my coat and mutters quickly in my ear, “I’ll be here next week. Thank you and take care.”
Cam leaves, and I reoccupy the same seat as last week on the beige recliner after shedding my coat and throwing it on the couch along with my purse.
Sylvia pours two cups of steaming tea. “How was your week?”
“A whirlwind of emotions. My parents died.”
She takes her seat across from me and shifts closer to encourage me with indulgent eyes.
“I found them last week, Tuesday, in our house, murdered.” I’m clutching a tissue in my hand and am able to say these words without releasing my tears.
“Let your tears fall. Don’t hold it in.”
“All I’ve been doing is crying. I’m so sick of it.”
“Crying is part of your healing process.”
“I know. I want to talk about something else though.”
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“Okay. We can discuss anything you want, but I do want to talk about your parents’ death before the end of our session.”
I tuck my legs under my behind. “Ever since they died last week, I’ve been in contact with Luca. And since then, that need I told you about, the need to feel desirable, it has intensified. I’m a bit hesitant to take it a step further, but I think I’m ready. Is that weird?”
“Nothing is weird. If it feels good, go with your gut. I do think you should tell him beforehand about what you’ve been through. Does he know?”
“No,” I answer truthfully.
She nods but stays quiet.
“He’s been there for me, and I’ve been clinging to him and my friends.”
“I’m proud that you’re at least making an effort to open up to your friends and that you’re allowing them to help you with your grief.”
“My parents’ passing and the dismissive way in which the police are handling the case have sparked a kind of anger I’ve never felt before. And honestly, it’s consuming my mind to the point where I hardly think of the rape.”
“The mind usually has the worst memories at the forefront. You’ve been through a lot, and although it might seem like you don’t think about the abuse at all, you still need to work through it. And that’s what we’ll do here. I presume you didn’t start yoga or writing in a diary?”
I shake my head and warm my hand against the hot teacup.
“Can you do that this week?” she asks.
“I was planning to.”
“I have to say, you come across as fairly calm now. What kind of anger do you feel?”
“That’s because I have my moments. Moments where I’m calm and moments where I just start to rant.” I pause to try to find the correct words. “I feel growing disappointment and resentment at all the injustice that has been done to me, causing me to feel helpless, which fuels a fury inside me.”
“I’m going to teach you how to lose that sensation of vulnerability because that, in essence, is what you feel. Writing down your thoughts will help you immensely. And I want you to register for yoga classes today.”
For the rest of the session, she gives me insights on how to rearrange my negative thoughts into positive ones. After talking to Sylvia, I once again feel calmer, more hopeful, and a little lighter.
***
For the next two weeks, Sylvia and I meet twice a week on Monday and Thursday. On Mondays, Cam meets me at Sylvia’s office so that I can hand her cash, but I still haven’t had much luck in convincing her to speak to Adriano or Luca – she’s too apprehensive to give them even an ounce of trust. And I do understand her because I was in that same situation back in August.
Though my friends all help me, without Sylvia, I wouldn’t have ever gotten some sort of hold on my own life. She ensures I don’t become this aggrieved person and helps me quell the bitterness boiling inside; however, this doesn’t usually last for long.
As the police continue to do nothing, the fury starts to resurface, and my way of thinking starts to change. How good and bad might not exist as I think. Cops are dismissing me and my parents’ case while a mafia man has offered to help me.
It infuriates me that when Collopy died, they had a suspect – a wrong suspect, me – within a day and were on top of that case because she was one of them, even though she was a crooked cop! While the case regarding my parents, two innocent people who were murdered, is just thrown onto some pile. Apparently, unless you’re a cop, you don’t count.
Salvatore still keeps me updated, but there’s not much to keep me updated on because the police handle this case like it’s not important, like they don’t care. The evidence isn’t conclusive enough to label it a burglary, but they haven’t made any effort to solve the case or found any leads as to whom the murderer is, even though I’m sure the killer is Ashton. Not once has Ashton or any other possible suspect’s name come up. And not once has Luca mentioned his offer to help me again – so far he hasn’t interfered with the investigation.
While I’m changing and evolving in those weeks after their death, the resentment grows inside of me. The disappointment at the world and at myself. And then comes the slow acceptance of how I want justice for my parents, justice the regular system might not provide. I’m tired of always looking over my shoulder because Ashton, the man who raped me and killed my parents, is still out there.
I’m jarred from my inner rant and tighten the belt on my red wool trench coat when the freezing wind blows through my legs as I stand before my parents’ graves. It’s January first of the new year, and the marble headstones are dusted with a light layer of snow.
As I deal with my grief, a sensation resembling revulsion and malevolence builds up. It’s a need for retaliation, for payback. Although I realize payback won’t bring them back, I ache for retribution while the police continue to let me down.
CHAPTER 25
Luca
I unlock the door of Fallon’s apartment with the key I had made right after she changed her locks weeks ago. I knew exactly when she had them changed, and one of my soldiers was ordered to get me a copy of the new key. She also knew I had a copy – that’s why she made a remark about how resourceful I can be – and I’ve been using it ever since that night; she’s never even questioned me about it.
We spent Christmas and New Year’s Eve quietly at her apartment. Teagan went back to London after Christmas, and Fallon really misses her, so I try to spend as much time with her as possible, even though I have no idea where we stand.
It’s becoming more difficult every day for me to hide how much I want her physically. Damn, I want her bad. We shower together when I spend the night with her, and I need to relieve myself after our shower every time. If this goes on much longer, I might pound her in her sleep. Nevertheless, I try to focus and put her well-being first by showing her that I’m much more than just the underboss of the Chicago Syndicate, and it’s working. She’s slowly letting me back in, but I’m still on guard with her, as she is with me. The betrayal and deceit we both placed on each other aren’t easily forgotten.
Almost a year has passed since she bumped into me that night in the club, and I’m pretty much in a similar place. James doesn’t know that she’s taking up most of my time because Adriano’s working double shifts to make up for my lost hours. My best friend is the only person I trust indisputably, and he’s done everything to give me more free time because he sees how much I still love her.
Meanwhile, I’m using every Syndicate resource I have at my disposal to capture Ashton, but he always manages to stay a step ahead of us, and we don’t know how he’s doing it. Every time Henry follows a trail or when Fat Sal has a lead on where Ashton has been spotted, he’s always gone by the time we get there. Sal is currently investigating all of his club members because, chances are, there’s another leak in his organization.
James isn’t happy with the way I use our resources, but he and I have grown apart to the point where we only speak over the phone and briefly discuss business. Adriano and I still don’t know what James was doing at Club 7 when we caught him walking out of the front entrance, but we’re keeping that information to ourselves a little longer. James is definitely up to something. Something that he’s keeping a secret from his underboss, me, and Capo, Adriano.
As I close the front door behind me, I’m pleased that Fallon’s sitting on the floor and watching her favorite series about witches.
“I see you’re engrossed in your show – again,” I tease.
Her eyes stay trained on the screen. “For your information – one of the characters reminds me of you, so you could be a little more grateful for this awesome show,” she replies sarcastically while waving me off.
I just laugh as I watch her. She wanted to visit her parents’ grave alone this morning, on the first day of the new year, and I was afraid it would depress her to go alone, but she seems relaxed, settled back against the sofa with a cup of tea in her hand.
He
r flawless face lights with a smile from ear to ear when she finally does look at me after the scene ends. “You’re back soon.”
Non riesco a stare lontano da te. I can’t stay away from you.
I’m in awe of how strong she actually is. She’s fighting so hard not to get lost in her grief. Most people drown themselves in sorrow, but not her. She continues on, and I definitely underestimated her strength and perseverance. I used to think that she could never survive a life in my ruthless world with a man like me, but I didn’t give her enough credit. She’s a fighter, like me, and I will do anything to keep her with me because there’s no way I will lose her again; that’s not an option for me. She’s been locked in my mind, body, and soul since I first laid eyes on her beautiful, heart-shaped face. A familiar throbbing below pushes me to have her, to own her, to make her mine again. She belongs to me, but the need to mark her is painfully profound.
My disappointment with her lies vanished entirely within these two weeks after she drew me back into her life. It’s also partly due to my enormous guilt over ignoring her phone calls when she needed me most. I ignored her for hours while she was alone in that house with the dead bodies of her parents.
I believe we’ve both been hurt enough by each other’s lies and disloyalty. And since I could never let myself forget her, I’m done trying. Now my new goal is to open her eyes as well because I can tell she wants me just as much as I want her. I can sense it in the way her breathing grows shallow when I skim my fingers over her naked, smooth skin as we lie in bed, but there’s something holding her back.
However, breaking down her barriers is not my only concern. After I’ve officially made her mine again, I still need to figure out how to keep her safe from the Syndicate, how to keep us safe from the Syndicate. Without James backing me, I’m not positive I can do so.
“Luca!” she shouts while I’m lost in my thoughts. “Where did you go?”
“Nowhere. Come, let’s go shower.” I hold out my hand as the allure of her sparkling gaze holds me captive. Showering has become my new favorite past-time. Showering with Fallon, that is.