With much pushing, shoving and laughter, they elbow their way into the crowded pub. I down my coffee, pay my bill and brace myself to go out into the cold once more.
The wind is cutting cruelly down the street and I pull my coat around me. Then I head across the street to the pub. I want to get one last glimpse of Crush that I can fix in my mind. With the way he’s behaving, he looks more like Marcus than I can bear and I never in a million years thought that I’d be making a comparison between the two of them.
He’s not my Crush. He’s someone else’s. That couldn’t be clearer. He’s gone from me. Gone from me for ever. I know that in this moment.
I stand in the doorway of the pub and watch the group as they carry on their party oblivious to my pain. Hope really is a fucking bastard. Because once it has left the building there is nothing remaining but a big, fat frigging hole in your heart.
Crush has his arm round the woman and is singing now at the top of his voice. It’s so bad that I can’t actually tell what he’s singing.
Then, as I stand there, he looks up. ‘Lucy,’ he says.
But I shake my head sadly at him. I’ve lost him. I have to learn to accept that.
Then I’m gone, out of there and I run down the road, snowflakes stinging my face as the tears burn my eyes. Without looking back, I head straight into the Tube where no one even notices or cares that I’m crying my heart out.
Chapter Eighty-Two
Nadia had spent a sleepless night mulling over her decision. At four o’clock in the morning she knew that it was the right one.
As soon as she got into the shop in the morning, she would hand in her notice. In the new year she wanted a completely fresh start. She didn’t want to start dipping into the money from the insurance pay-out but it would tide her over until she could find something else. She’d enjoyed working in the shop – apart from the issues with Tarak – but she also knew that she had so much else to offer. In January she would look for a new place to live, a new job.
She was tired when she dropped off Lewis at nursery and took the Tube to Brick Lane. Tarak and Anita were both standing behind the counter chatting and there were no customers, as yet, in the shop. It was as good a time as any.
‘Morning.’ Nadia slipped off her coat and dropped her handbag into the backroom.
‘The kettle has just boiled,’ her sister said, so she made herself a drink.
‘I need to talk to you both,’ Nadia said when she went back into the shop. ‘I’m really grateful for this job, but I’m going to look for something else in the new year.’
She saw Tarak’s shoulders sag with relief.
‘I’ve loved working with you, Anita, but I need to do this for me.’
‘Why? I don’t want you to leave.’ Her sister’s eyes filled with tears. ‘Who will I gossip with?’
Nadia laughed. ‘I’m sure you’ll find someone.’
‘But it won’t be the same. We’ve just found each other again.’
And, Nadia thought, they’d nearly lost each other again due to her husband’s cheating. She hoped that Tarak had learned his lesson. Lucy’s plan had been a bit extreme, but if it helped then it wouldn’t be time wasted.
‘You must do what you have to,’ Tarak said solemnly. However, she could tell in his voice that he was glad she was leaving. She wasn’t going to let him push her away from Anita; he knew now that he had to watch his step with her.
Then the shop started to fill with customers and the moment passed. The rest of the morning was so busy that they didn’t have time to chat at all. It seemed as if everyone was coming in for last-minute fashion purchases for their Christmas parties. If Tarak didn’t go to the warehouse today, then they’d be cleared out of itsy-bitsy sparkly numbers.
Shortly before lunchtime, he picked up the keys to the van and went to leave. Anita was in the backroom. Tarak stood before Nadia and lowered his voice. ‘We are OK, aren’t we?’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘This really is something that I need to do for myself.’
‘Good.’ He glanced anxiously towards the back of the shop where his wife was. ‘I didn’t like what you did,’ he said in hushed tones. ‘But it did teach me a lesson. I thought I was the one in control.’ He raised an eyebrow. ‘I never bargained for a bunch of vindictive women.’
‘I’d like to think of us as educational rather than vindictive. It wasn’t done out of malice, Tarak. The very last thing on earth that I want is to jeopardise your marriage. I want you to appreciate it. Next time you might not be so lucky. It would only take one phone call to Anita from a bunny boiler and all this could come crashing down.’
‘There won’t be a next time,’ he whispered. ‘I promise you that. I’m really trying to be a good husband. I don’t want to lose Anita or my boys.’
‘It’s not easy to start over again, Tarak. I know that. Treasure your family. They all love you.’
He nodded. ‘I want to make this a good Christmas.’
‘Just be there for them. That will be enough.’
‘Does anyone want a cup of tea?’ Anita called from the back.
‘Let’s leave it there,’ Tarak said.
She nodded her agreement. ‘Merry Christmas, Tarak.’
‘To you too, Nadia.’ He walked briskly out of the door and jumped into his van.
Anita popped her head out of the curtain, holding two cups of tea. ‘Has Tarak gone?’
‘Yes. To the warehouse. Those new dresses are flying off the racks.’
She laughed as she handed Nadia a mug. ‘That will keep him happy. Until I give him the bill for the boy’s Christmas toys. All they want now is iPads, iPhones, iEverything else. It costs a small fortune.’
‘Are you happy with him?’ Nadia asked as she sipped her tea.
Anita nodded. ‘I know that he’s not perfect.’ She avoided looking at Nadia. ‘What man is?’
Her sister sighed and, for the first time, Nadia detected a hint of weariness in her tone. ‘He always comes back to me. Eventually. I’ve learned to cope by turning a blind eye. Don’t pity me, Nadia,’ she said. ‘I’m not weak like you think.’
‘I didn’t say that.’
Anita held up a hand. ‘I’m the strong one. I’m the one who keeps the family together. That’s my job. That’s what we women do.’
Nadia took her sister in her arms and hugged her. ‘It will be fine,’ she said. ‘You see, it will all be fine from now. Tarak loves you.’
‘I know,’ she said. ‘Underneath it all. He’s my husband. If I thought that he didn’t love me, then I would leave.’
‘I’m going to miss you at Christmas. It’s a time for families.’
‘You’ll have a lovely break in the Lake District. I’m very jealous. I’ve never been there.’
‘Me neither. I feel quite excited about it.’ She’d been on Google and had clicked through some of the images. It looked amazing. That was another thing that she and Lewis would do next year. They’d go on holiday together. She’d seen very little of Britain and even less of the rest of the world. She hoped that would change. There was part of her that wished she’d be doing this with Jacob, but that wasn’t to be. She was sad, but there was also a feeling of relief accompanying it. It meant that she was free for new experiences in that part of her life. Eventually, she would find someone who was free to love her.
‘I will be thinking of you every day,’ Anita said. ‘We’re together now and we won’t be parted again.’
‘I hope we both have a wonderful Christmas time.’
‘I want to hear all about it,’ Anita begged. ‘You and Lewis must visit us as soon as you come back.’
‘I promise.’
‘You are very lucky to have such friends, Nadia,’ her sister said.
‘I know.’ Now she couldn’t wait for Christmas. Bring on the snow, the fun, the chocolate.
Chapter Eighty-Three
Chantal went to knock on Stacey’s door. She hadn’t heard from Ted at all. The calls she’d made and
texts she’d sent to Stacey had gone unanswered. She took a deep and steadying breath and, seconds later, the door opened.
Stacey stood there, Elsie in her arms. She looked taken aback and, at first, she bristled. Then her whole body sagged and she said, ‘You’d better come in.’
It was as awkward as the first time she’d come here. The time she’d offered Stacey the hand of friendship. Chantal manoeuvred the buggy into the small space. Lana was, thankfully, fast asleep. The hall was filled with packing boxes, some of them still half full. One was crammed with books, another with Elsie’s toys.
Chantal took them all in. ‘You’re really leaving?’
Stacey nodded. ‘I’m sorry it turned out like this. I never planned it this way.’
‘Is Ted here?’
She shook her head. ‘He’s staying at the apartment in Islington. I thought it was better if he was out of the way while I packed.’
‘Ted would appreciate that. He never did like getting his hands dirty.’
‘Come through to the kitchen,’ Stacey said. ‘The kettle hasn’t been dispensed with yet. I could make us a cup of tea.’
‘I’m not really planning on staying. I’ve got a lot to do. I just wanted to wish you well, I suppose.’ Chantal also wanted to ask her why she’d done this, probably have a rant and rave, but now that she was here all the fight had gone out of her.
‘I’m sorry,’ Stacey said. ‘You and the other girls have been so kind to me. I’ve never had such good friends.’
Chantal couldn’t help herself and before she could think better of it said, ‘It’s an interesting way to repay that.’
Stacey looked stung. ‘I know. Can you ever forgive me?’
‘You love him?’
‘I do.’
Of course she did. It had been obvious from the start, but Chantal had hoped for the sake of the babies they would have come to some sort of working arrangement. Perhaps it had been pie in the sky.
‘Make sure that he comes back to see Lana,’ Chantal said. ‘I don’t want her to lose her father.’
‘Of course not. I promise I’ll do all I can. I love Lana and so does Ted. He said that we’d be back regularly.’
‘I hope so.’
Stacey’s expression was bleak. For someone who was about to start a new life with her lover, she didn’t seem overjoyed.
As if she’d read her mind, Stacey lowered her voice and said, ‘I know what I’m losing, Chantal. I wish there had been a way to make this work, too. But Ted is adamant. This is a great opportunity for him.’
‘It’s you and I who are left to pick up the pieces.’
‘I know. But I’d like it if we could stay in touch,’ Stacey suggested tentatively. ‘I could fully understand if you didn’t want to.’
‘We have to make a relationship, Stacey. Our girls are bound together by blood. Whatever happens we should try our best for Lana and Elsie.’
‘Thank you.’
‘I’d better go. I’ve got an early start tomorrow and I want to load up the car as much as I can tonight.’
‘You’re still going to the cottage in the Lake District?’
‘Yes. Everyone’s coming.’ Well, nearly everyone.
‘The place seemed amazing. I was so looking forward to it . . .’ Her words trailed away.
‘What are you doing instead?’
‘Ted’s booked us in at a local restaurant. Everything will be packed up by then. Our flights are on Boxing Day.’
‘So soon?’
‘Yes.’
‘He’s not answering my calls,’ Chantal said. ‘And I don’t have the inclination or the energy to go to the Islington apartment. Give him my best. I hope it works out for you both. Really I do.’
‘Thank you, Chantal.’ Stacey hung her head. ‘It’s more than I deserve.’
‘We can salvage something from it,’ Chantal offered. She’d been angry with Stacey, but she could see now that she was between a rock and a hard place. She had to choose between the man she loved and her friends. It was an awful position for Ted to put her in and, if anything, Chantal felt sorry for her. ‘I’m sure we can.’
‘I’d like that.’
‘Give me a hug.’ She stepped forward and Stacey stepped into her arms where she sobbed and sobbed.
‘I’ll miss you,’ Stacey sniffed. ‘I’ll miss you all.’
Chantal stroked her hair, her back and soothed her. ‘Don’t cry,’ she said. ‘It’s Christmas. You have a new life to start. It will all work out fine.’
Chapter Eighty-Four
‘I’m not sure we’ll get another box in there,’ Miles said, scratching his head. ‘How long are we going for? I thought it was only for four days. We could stay there for about six months at least.’
‘Some of it is food,’ Autumn said. ‘Vital supplies.’
‘That probably means there’s a whole box just for chocolate, if what I’ve heard about the Chocolate Lovers’ Club is true.’
Autumn laughed. There was. Lucy had made sure of that. Each of the children had a chocolate Santa and reindeer wrapped and labelled for under the tree. ‘You could be right.’
They were loading up ready for their trip to the Lake District in the parking bays outside Miles’s terraced house. There still seemed to be a lot of luggage on the pavement but Miles was coping admirably with the task of trying to fit a quart into a pint pot.
‘Nadia, will you and Lewis be all right in the back with Florence?’ he asked.
‘Of course. I’ll sit on the roof rack if you need me to,’ Nadia answered. ‘I’m just very grateful that we’re travelling up together in this snow.’
‘We’ll take it in turns to be with the children, if you want to,’ Autumn said. Both of the kids were over-excited and would probably be more easily managed in short shifts. She’d made up a little goodie bag for each of them with crayons and colouring books to keep them amused and the internet had thrown up some useful I-Spy games for the motorway.
The snow was coming down quite heavily now, even in London. The bookies had stopped taking bets on a white Christmas as most of the UK was under a blanket of white.
‘I’m very glad that you’ve got a beefy car, Miles,’ Autumn noted.
‘We’ll be fine,’ Miles reassured them. ‘This thing can cope with anything.’ He patted the car fondly. ‘Plus, as it’s been snowing for a while, they’ve cleared a lot of the main roads. The lanes in the Lake District could be fun, though. It’s a long time since I’ve been up there in the winter.’
‘I never have,’ Autumn admitted. ‘Mummy and Daddy were much more into Kenya than Keswick.’
‘When I was young and foolish, I camped up there in November.’ He shivered at the memory. ‘Mind you, we did abandon the tent and get back in the car halfway through the night.’ Then he clapped his hands together. ‘Are we nearly ready?’
‘Last trip to the bathroom for everyone?’ Autumn suggested.
‘Yes,’ Miles said. ‘I don’t want to hear “I need a wee” until we’re past Birmingham.’
‘What time was Chantal leaving?’ Nadia asked.
Autumn checked her watch. ‘She should be on the road by now. I texted her first thing this morning and she and Lana were pretty much set to go then.’
‘Perhaps I should have travelled up with her. I don’t like to think of her going all that way on her own.’
‘I did offer,’ Autumn said. ‘But she insisted she’d be fine. If they’ve made good time, they might not be too far away now. I know that she wanted to have the house decorated for when we arrived.’
‘Is she doing all right without Ted?’
‘I’m not sure that it’s entirely sunk in yet, but she seems to be managing OK so far.’
‘It’s really very kind of her to have us all,’ Miles said. ‘She might not feel like it with the way things have turned out.’
‘She’ll definitely want us all there. I’m just glad you could come too.’ Autumn smiled, delighted to be spending her first C
hristmas with Miles and Florence. ‘We’ll do our best to make sure that it’s a lovely Christmas for her.’
‘I’ve organised a little surprise that I think might put a smile on her face again.’ Nadia looked smug and secretive.
‘Care to share?’
‘Not yet,’ she said, mysteriously. ‘Wait and see.’
‘What’s happening with Ted and Stacey?’ Autumn asked.
‘I don’t know.’ Nadia checked to see if the children were listening, but Miles was ushering them back towards the house for a last-minute bathroom visit. ‘Chantal hasn’t spoken to him since the revelation, but she went round to speak to Stacey yesterday and, from what she said, they’ve come to some kind of truce.’
‘Stacey seemed so nice. I thought she’d fitted in so well with us all. A fellow chocoholic and all-round nice person. I’ll miss her.’
‘Me too,’ Nadia agreed. ‘I hope they can resolve their differences for the sake of those beautiful little girls. Chantal seemed hopeful.’
Miles returned. ‘Let’s see if we can squeeze this final bit of luggage in and then we can get going before the roads are too busy.’
Nadia laughed. ‘Have we really brought so much stuff? I don’t think any of us can travel light.’
‘This cottage looks amazing already. I can’t wait to see it when Chantal has finished with it. I think she bought up the whole of Harvey Nicks’ Christmas display.’ Autumn’s phone rang. ‘That might be her now with an update on their progress. I asked her to check in with me en route.’
When she got her phone out of her pocket, it wasn’t a number she recognised. Who could be calling her on Christmas Eve? ‘Hello?’
‘Is that Autumn Fielding?’ an unfamiliar voice asked.
‘Yes.’
‘Hello, Ms Fielding. This is Eleanor from the Find Families adoption agency. You registered on our site a little while ago.’
‘I did.’ Her heart was thumping in her chest.
‘Well, I have some lovely news for you.’
Autumn clutched her phone.
‘I’m very pleased to be able to tell you that we have someone who wants to make contact with you.’
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