“I’m sorry,” I say in a soft voice.
“I think we need to talk this through when I get back.”
“Okay.”
“Do you have any plans for tonight?”
I haven’t, but I suddenly need to see Jess. “I’m probably seeing Jess. I’ll let you know.” The tension drips with every word we speak. It’s clear that neither of us wants to leave the conversation where it is.
“Stay in touch.”
“I will.”
“I’ll see you soon.”
I leave the office early and head straight to Jess’s with a quick text to her as I get in the car. It’s a weeknight so the likelihood is that she’ll be in.
“Jess, it’s me. Are you home?”
“Kitchen. You alright?” I walk in and join her. She’s sitting at the kitchen table with her laptop open in front of her.
“Working? Sorry, I didn’t mean to barge in. I just needed to talk, and to see you, of course.”
She grins up from behind her screen. “No, I’m just checking some emails. Put the kettle on, or the gin is in the cupboard if you need something stronger.”
“I think we’ll start with tea.”
“Okay then… spill.” She shuts the laptop and gives me her undivided attention.
“Hear me out before telling me that I’m crazy.”
“No promises. If you’re being really stupid, I’m going to cut you off and tell you. I’ll be gentle, though.” She wags her eyebrows at me. I bring the steaming mug of tea over to her and collapse next to her, my arms bracing my head against the table. “Oh, hun, come on. I’m only playing. Tell me. I’m sure we can figure it out.”
“I know we can. I’m being stupid.” My voice is muffled from trying to speak while still hiding.
“Will you at least tell me why you’re being stupid so I can help you fix it?”
I sit back up and heave out a breath.
“Seb’s away, and we have this agreement where I’m supposed to check in every other hour via text. He worries about me, especially with the Phil thing. He’s been quite clear and I’ve agreed. I was at work and the presentation I was delivering got rescheduled and I missed a couple of texts. He got mad because I didn’t tell him I would be late with the texts.” My summary is as basic as I can make it, providing enough information that Jess can help, but without explaining everything else that goes on between Seb and me.
“Okay, he asked you to do something. You couldn’t. You’re mad because…?”
“Because he was being unreasonable, and it’s ridiculous that he needs me to text that regularly. We used to have fun text conversations, but now it’s just… Get the gin. I’ll grab some ice. I need a drink.” Jess looks confused by my sudden energy, but quickly follows along.
Armed with large drinks, we curl up on the sofa.
“Right, I need to explain a few things about our relationship. That way you might see where I’m coming from.”
“Okay, I’m listening.” The playful Jess from earlier seems to have disappeared with the addition of alcohol.
“Do you know anything about D/s—Dominance and submission?”
“Uh… in principle.” Her brows pinch together as if I’ve said something that she disapproves of.
“Right, well… I’ve always had this urge or want to give up control in the bedroom, to have my partner look after my needs, not have to make any of the choices. I make nothing but decisions all day, every day. I longed to give it up in the bedroom.” I feel my own cheeks pink at my confession. Jess doesn’t bat an eyelash, so I continue. “Well, after I first met and got to know Seb, he saw that I had some submissive traits. Turns out that he has some dominant traits and that’s a big part of our connection.”
“Go on.” Jess is now eager to hear my words, her focus locked on me.
“Well, that was what I wanted—to give over control in the bedroom. But since I moved in, Seb wants to see if we can have that same dynamic outside of the bedroom as well, to see if I am naturally submissive to him at other times, and find out where my balance lies. We agreed to two times a week where I’ll submit to his control. I’ll do as he instructs or asks, completely. It’s what he wants.”
“This is outside of the bedroom now?”
“Yes. The other day he chose what I wore to work, what we’d do. Little things like that.”
“Okay, so where does the text stuff come in?”
“Well, he wants me to text him and keep him updated in general. All the time. I have to let him know what I’m doing and where I am. At first, it was nice. It made me feel like he was watching out for me. Now…”
“Now, what?”
“I feel stifled, like I need to report to him. It makes me feel like he’s in charge of me. Which is fine in the bedroom. I like that, but I don’t like the idea of giving up all of my control outside of it. I’ve been self-sufficient for so long. Relying on Phil was never an option. I’ve gone from one extreme to the other. I wanted our relationship to pick up where we started. When we were together, it was so good, so natural.”
“And you don’t feel that way now?” Jess goes back to nursing her drink.
“No, I do. It is, when we’re alone. But the submitting stuff is hard. I’m constantly wrestling with my feelings. Phil won’t let me move on. Seb made the choice for me to move in. I have to do what he says. Alone, each of those things is fine. All together, it’s all… It’s all too much. Everything’s changing and I’m feeling lost.”
“But you wanted change? You certainly didn’t want to stay with Phil.”
“No, I most definitely didn’t want to stay with Phil. It’s just… I’m worried that I’m no good at the submissive stuff outside of the bedroom and that Seb wants that. What if I’m not enough?” My lips tremble at the thought. I don’t let the tears fall.
“Oh, hun. Look, I know that Seb adores you. He is head over heels for you. There is a lot going on for both of you. It’s only been a few weeks. Don’t rush things. Take it slowly. You won’t lose yourself, but I think you need to be open with Seb on how you’re feeling. Seb forced the moving in thing, despite your gut reservations. You love him. Give yourself some time and have some patience. Isn’t this new for Seb as well?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Then don’t be so hard on yourself, or him. I think you’re expecting to walk straight into an established relationship. You should be enjoying this time.”
“Says the girl with commitment problems.” I take a long draw of my drink, glad of the momentary break.
“Hey, don’t deflect. You came to me. I haven’t even called you crazy yet.”
“Am I being stupid?”
“I think you have a lot of things to deal with. You’ve left your husband, and he’s being a dick. You’ve started a relationship with the man you had an affair with and have moved straight in with him. Then there’s all the dominance and submission stuff.” She puts her drink down and whispers to me, “We’re going to talk more about that when we’ve had another drink, right?”
“Yes, Jess.” I burst into laughter. “If you want, we can talk.”
“Good, because I’m trying to stay focused on the relationship crap. Iz, you really need to stop freaking out over everything. You’re not going to lose him. He moved you in, for God’s sake.”
“I know. I told you I’m stupid, but it’s really hard.”
“Give it some time and talk to your man.”
“That simple?”
“Hell, I don’t know. I’m Miss No Commitment, but it sounds like you’re trying too hard.”
I think about everything Jess has said. She’s right. I might have some fears, but isn’t that normal at the start of a relationship? Aren’t my concerns normal for any new couple, but with a few minor variations? We’re both adjusting and there is a huge amount to contend with.
“So, more drink?”
“I can only have one as I’ve got another presentation tomorrow.”
“You’ll still
spill about the bedroom stuff, right?”
“Do you fancy it, Jess? Handing yourself over to a man to do whatever he likes to you?” I grin, knowing just how good that can be.
“No, I don’t think so. I’m more of an in-charge kinda girl in the bedroom.” We both giggle as she heads to top up our drinks.
After last night’s girl time, today starts out much better. I stayed over at Jess’s as I’d had a drink and didn’t want to be up too late. I called Seb and told him that we needed to talk on Friday, but that I’d try harder with the communication.
I text Seb at regular intervals but try to put more effort into them. If I change my view of the texts, stop thinking of them as a check and frame them as just keeping in touch, I feel more comfortable. Not forgetting the scenario of yesterday, I warn him that I have another client meeting and that it could run over. I explain that I’ll text as soon as I get out.
Seb explained this to me during our heated words yesterday, but it wasn’t until today that I could understand and use it to help. Instead of these being restrictions and control placed on me, I am doing something to please Seb—something that he needs. It’s a simple flip of motivation but it helps a great deal.
By the end of the day, I am buzzing. The Everlyn presentation went better than expected. They increased their budget with us, and Mark wants to meet with me first thing on Monday. Not even arriving home to an empty apartment can dampen my smile.
I soak in the bath for far too long. My toes have pruned and there’s no room to top the tub up with more hot water. I reluctantly step out and get ready for bed. It has been a long week.
Walking around the apartment, I try to look at everything through new eyes. I considered this place Seb’s when I moved in. I still do, but I want those pictures to go. Pictures of beautiful, half-naked women only serve as a reminder of my insecurities. If I am going to make my relationship with Seb work, then I need to overcome my self-doubts, but that doesn’t mean I need to live with artful reminders of what I’m not on the walls. Seb has asked that I don’t compare him with Phil, and I’m not. They are worlds apart, but that doesn’t mean that I can shake my little demons. A shudder racks my body as I think back to all of the times that Phil lied to me. In the beginning, I didn’t notice. I still trusted him. By the end, I didn’t care.
With Jess’s words from last night still fresh in my mind, I relax and try to see our relationship objectively. I am allowed to have concerns and fears. That doesn’t mean that the relationship won’t work.
Seb has moved me in. My bags and coat are in the entrance hall, my toiletries in the bathroom and my clothes in the wardrobe. He is serious about me. He wouldn’t do that—fight for me to move in—if he wasn’t. Can I adapt and learn to accept all the elements of the submissive relationship that he wants? I need to give myself time to find out.
I head to bed and move to Seb’s side, inhaling his clean scent that clings to the pillow. So many of my actions echo those of my past visits, but they seem so far removed from how I feel now.
I need to talk to Seb, communicate properly with him and stop being afraid. He couldn’t have stressed the importance of being open and honest more vehemently, yet I’ve shirked every opportunity. Not purposefully, just out of habit and fear. I can’t do that any longer. I won’t. I want to try harder for Seb.
I can’t wait until you’re back. Love you. Izzy
I can’t wait to be back, sweetheart. S
I’m looking forward to our talk when you come home. I have done a lot of thinking. Izzy x
He doesn’t respond straight away, but it’s just past nine in the morning. He might be busy. I push the fleeting doubt from my mind and get on with my day. I’m finally feeling positive. The doubt has finally eased and allowed the good to blossom.
I’ve promised myself I’ll talk to Seb tonight before we go any further, and I need to apologise. That’s my game plan. I just have to stick to it for the rest of the day.
I know it’s only been a few days since I last saw Seb, but the last few hours seem to pass slower than the first two days combined. Keeping up with my texts helps with the countdown, but it also increases my nerves about our talk this evening. Each text sets off my mind and I keep going over what I’m going to say. Rationally, I know that I shouldn’t be nervous. I am doing something that Seb wanted from me from the start. My stomach doesn’t seem to get the message.
There are no plans for tonight other than our talk. Our text messages seem fine, but our last few phone conversations have been less than happy. I want the tension between us gone.
I leave the office at five and head home. I know Seb will be home late, but that doesn’t matter. I’d rather pace and work myself up about how I am going to apologise at home than stay at work.
After trying to distract myself with my Tumblr page on my iPad, I change into a dress that I know Seb will approve of and head to the kitchen. It’s late enough to start some food, and I want to make my favourite go-to dish. I used to eat this at least once a week. Garlic, peppers and olive oil make a quick and simple sauce for spaghetti, topped with basil and parmesan. I get everything ready and leave pulling it together until I know Seb has parked.
I pour the wine and wait, nibbling at the crumbs of cheese ready to coat the pasta.
I’m just parking. I’ll be up in 5. S
Finally! I jump into action and make the final preparations for the food, setting it on the breakfast bar.
I hear the click of the door. When he enters, I throw my arms around his neck and hug him as hard as can. With everything going on in these three short days, I didn’t realise just how much I missed him. As soon as I feel his touch, a part of me eases and I relax, the tension evaporating on its own.
“Miss me?” I hear the sexy smile in Seb’s voice.
“Yes. You know I did.” I pull back and look at his handsome face. My eyes drop to his lips, my hunger for pasta instantly replaced by a hunger for Seb. I pull my lip between my teeth, fighting the urge to kiss his lips. I pull out of his grasp and reach for his hand, taking him toward the kitchen where our dinner awaits.
“You cooked for me?”
“I can cook, Seb.”
“Sorry, I know. It’s just unexpected. Dinner will be a lovely treat. Thank you. It smells delicious.”
“This is one of my favourite pasta dishes. I hope you like it.”
“I will. Can I wash up first? I’ve been in a car for the last five hours.”
“Yes! Of course. Sorry.”
“Relax. I’ll just be a minute. Then we can eat.”
A few minutes pass and he comes back to the kitchen and turns me on my bar stool.
“If I wasn’t starving, we’d be in the bedroom before we got to the food. I’ve missed you.” My cheeks blush and I’m struck by how such a simple compliment has given me such pleasure. I hold on to that thought and gesture for Seb to sit down and tuck in. The sooner we get through food, the sooner we can talk. I know if Seb takes me to bed, I’ll lose my courage and focus. We can spend all night in bed. After we talk.
Seb’s appreciative moan adds pressure to my swelling heart. This. This is what I want. To please Seb.
“Mmm, this is delicious.”
“Thank you.” I pick at my food, my appetite non-existent. The time for talking is upon us.
“You’re not eating. Is something wrong?”
“No, I’ve just… I need to talk to you and I’m a little nervous about how you’ll react to what I say.” I twirl my fork in the pasta, keeping my eyes focused away from Seb’s.
“Would you feel more comfortable talking as I eat? Then we can go to bed.” He tilts my chin until I meet his gaze. It both calms and stirs my emotions.
“Yes, please. Is that okay?”
“Talk to me, Izzy.” He lowers his lips and brushes mine, encouraging me to talk. He turns back to his food, giving me space.
“I want to say sorry first. I didn’t think about how my reaction to moving in together would affect
you. I was also feeling uncomfortable about how often you wanted me to text you.”
“Thank you for acknowledging that.” I wait for him to finish, but he goes back to the pasta and takes a long draw on his glass of wine.
“I think, with everything that happened between us and the changes in my life, I was feeling unsettled. Jess told me I needed to be patient and not expect everything to just fall into place. I think she’s right. I should allow us some time to work things out. So I’m going to try harder.” I seem to have glossed over the control part and my doubts around the submission, but I’ve been clear on wanting to try.
“Anything else you want to add?” He’s still not looking at me. It helps my ability to get the words out. He’s encouraging me.
“I may have some doubts, but that’s just my insecurities talking.” I try to brush off my worries. “Do you want some more wine?” I jump off my seat and head to the fridge. After I top up both our glasses, Seb pulls me towards him, the bottle of wine still in my hand, and begins to nuzzle my neck.
“If you’ve finished with food, I want us to go to bed. Now.” The change in Seb’s tone sends ripples of excitement through me. I nod my response, setting the wine bottle on the counter top before Seb pulls me through to the bedroom. He makes short work of my dress, revealing my naked skin beneath. Seb pulls the covers back and gestures for me to climb in. I turn and watch as he efficiently strips out of his suit. He stalks to the bed and scoots under the covers with me. Seb turns me so my back is pressed up against his chest and he links our legs, connecting us from shoulder to toe.
Strong, sure arms hold me in place and his lips rest on the shell of my ear.
“Now, I want you to tell me everything that has been going through your head. You’re safe. I’ve got you and I’m not letting you go. Talk to me.”
The Izzy and Seb Collection: The Evermore Series Books 1, 2 and 2.5 Page 37