by Tasha Fawkes
I hit the sand and walked about three feet before plunking myself down to sit. The ocean churned ahead of me, hissing and crashing like tumbling snakes.
I'd never missed someone before like I missed Brin now. I felt it in my whole body, this aching hollow that reminded me every second of every day that she was gone. I barely knew what I was doing when I found my phone in my hand, Brin's number on the screen. I pressed talk and held it to my ear, pulse pounding.
I didn't even get a dial tone. The call ended. Brin had blocked me.
What did I expect? I should be leaving her alone anyway since it was her choice to go and I needed to respect that. Easier said than done when it felt like she'd taken a part of me with her.
Crunching footsteps behind me warned me that my solitude was about to be interrupted. I readied to stand in case it was Lori who'd followed me out here.
"What are you doing, man?" asked Martin, settling down next to me. "Staring pensively at the ocean under starlight is not exactly your jam."
"I try new shit all the time."
"Still. Something bothering you?"
I looked over at Martin, at the man I'd been confiding in since I was old enough to have secrets. He knew me better than anyone. If I was going to tell anyone, it should be him.
"I fucked up, man." I scrubbed a hand through my hair and sighed. "I fucked up big time."
He frowned. "How so?"
"Brin," I replied. "I lost her. I waited too long to tell her how I felt and now she's gone forever. I just tried to call her..." I chucked my phone a few feet ahead of me. It jammed halfway upright in the sand. "She blocked me. And I fucking deserved it."
"Hey, you didn't do anything," Martin assured, patting my shoulder. "And anyway, don't you think you're better off with Lori? You guys were together for two years. Isn't that worth more than a three-week fling with some burlesque dancer?"
"Honestly man I have no idea what the fuck I was doing with Lori for those two years, but it wasn't a real relationship. It wasn't equal. Brin was more supportive and good to me in our short time together than Lori ever has been."
Something flickered over Martin's expression. It could have just been a shadow, but when he spoke next, his tone came out more grave than I'd ever heard him.
"You really like this girl? Brin? I thought Lori..."
He trailed off, but I caught his meaning.
I whistled through my teeth.
"We all thought Lori, didn't we? But there's a difference between loving someone for who they are and loving them for what you want them to be. I question the extent that I ever really gave a shit about Lori, which makes losing someone I did care for that much harder."
I sighed and shook my head. "I'm sorry, man. I'm just drunk and pissed off."
"At Lori?"
I laughed. "No. At myself. I ruined what could have been the best thing that's ever happened to me, and now there's no going back."
He fell quiet beside me. The quiet suited me just fine. It wasn't like there was anything Martin could do to help, and if we kept talking, I'd only get sad and pathetic.
"I'm gonna head up to bed," Martin said finally. "You good out here?"
"Sure thing. See you in the morning."
"Yeah," he said, standing and brushing off his jeans. "Sure thing."
Nineteen
Brin
I took the whole three weeks of the trip off work, and though I probably could’ve been slotted back into the lineup early, I didn't even try. There was nowhere I wanted to be less right now than on stage wearing barely anything. There wasn't a cave dark or deep enough for me at this stage, so I settled for cycling between curling up under the covers in bed or doing the same thing on the couch. Kim didn't approve, and she took to coming over lots to check in on me. Since she still had to work, however, I got hours each day where Kim's disapproval couldn't reach me.
It was sad, but I was sad, so it seemed to fit the bill. I thought about trying to reach out to Chad so many times, whether through email or repeated comments on his YouTube page, or a freaking skywriter for all I cared. Sometimes the desperation gnawed so deep in my gut that I had my finger poised over send before I remembered that if I did that, something bad could happen to Kim. No risk, no matter how small, was worth it when it came to protecting my best friend. So I stayed away like those goons back in Hawaii told me to do, and I quietly broke.
The one urge I'd been militant about ignoring was the urge to look at Chad's most recent videos. I didn't know what I would be looking for or what I hoped to see, but I knew it was probably a mistake in any case. Even if my departure had shaken him, he presumably wouldn't show it on camera. He was good at putting on the skin of the man his fans wanted to see. Come rain or shine, Chad Harlan always had a smile on his face and a witty comment poised at the end of his tongue. That was just how he worked. It was why he was so good at what he did. And it was what would break me if I opened up his latest video and saw him having the time of his life.
I never imagined that the worst case scenario for this trip would end with my heart broken and a threat of harm hanging over my head. It was funny, in a way, because when I signed on, I thought worst case was that maybe I'd come back with a bit of a sunburn and vaguely unpleasant memories. I didn't realize I was going to have the time of my life, fall in love, and then have my heart broken to smithereens while simultaneously having the shit scared out of me. It was enough to make me never want to leave the house again.
Too bad the bills still needed to get paid. I had a few days left of leave, and then it would be back to shaking my ass for all of Vegas, and I'd have to paint on a smile and make it work. I could do it. I knew I could do it. But these few days of wallowing misery were mine to take as I pleased, and goddamnit, I was going to take them.
This was what I spent most of my time under the blankets doing: Being miserable. Thinking about Chad. And being one of society's least productive members. After a few days, when my heart felt raw from the constant abuse and my brain was exhausted from all the thought spirals, I began to wonder how to get myself out of it.
The answer, of course, was to do the thing I'd been dreading most. To rip that Band-Aid off and, whatever the result, move on with my goddamn life. I had to go to Chad's channel and see what he'd been up to since I left.
I poured myself a glass of wine, hunkered down on the couch, and cracked open my laptop on my knee.
Chad's YouTube channel was hard to look at first. I hadn't seen his face since I left and I'd nearly forgotten how handsome he was, how he glowed with life. I'd nearly forgotten how his smile sent butterflies careening around my ribcage like ricocheting bullets.
He'd posted a video four days prior, and I clicked on it with baited breath. The familiar upbeat music played through my speakers, and I chugged down a mouthful of wine as landscape shots of Oahu flashed across the screen. Then there was a shot of Chad driving, laughing and looking back at the camera. The seat beside him, the one I'd occupied for the first half of the trip, was occupied by someone else. Not just anybody, either.
Lori was back.
I watched the rest of the video in immobile horror. Shots of them were spliced together cliff jumping, hang gliding, sharing a beer while the sun set in the background. Each time I saw her face part of me died a little, and it was the specific part that had hoped that besides the obvious things holding us apart, one day Chad and I might be able to find each other again.
He'd replaced me. He'd replaced me the second I left. Had he called her up when he noticed I was missing? That didn't seem like something Chad would do, but if this video showed me anything, it was that I'd never really known him at all. I could barely sit through it and see the great time I was supposed to be having, the great guy I was supposed to be spending that time with, but I forced myself to make it to the end.
When the end credits rolled, I was tempted to slam the lid of my laptop down and try to forget the name Chad Harlan forever. Something stopped me though, a niggling feelin
g that something was off in the video. It was enough to make me chug the rest of my wine and press the replay button.
There he was laughing again, cruising down one of Oahu's many scenic drives. He spoke into the camera, describing what they were going to do that day. This was normally the part where his animation shined through, where he got the viewer just as excited about the adventure as he was. Something was missing.
I paused the video and pulled up the last one I was featured in, playing the first couple minutes of it.
How had I missed it? In comparison, there was a stark difference between how Chad looked in the videos. In the earlier video, he was bursting with light. With life. His eyes crinkled at the corners, his lips seemed eternally tipped up in a grin. In the later video, the only time he laughed was at the very beginning, and even that was nothing in comparison to his laughing in the other video. His eyes were dead. At least, they seemed dead to me. Their glassy stare reminded me of a shark's, and while I knew I could just be seeing what I wanted to see, it felt real.
But what did that mean? Did it mean anything?
The lock on the front door grated and a second later Kimberley called out to me in a high, flowery voice. "Hello, my darling!"
"I'm in the living room!" I called, clapping my computer closed and shoving it into the cushions. Kim wouldn't approve of my latest bout of self-sabotage.
She came down the hall and dropped her bag on the kitchen table, already rattling off about her day. "I don't think I've ever met a ruder human being than I met today, and that's saying a lot. Do you ever just meet someone you want to rat them out to their parents on?" She looked at me for the first time and stopped what she was doing, concern creasing her brow. "What's the matter? You're white as a sheet."
I gulped. "I don't know."
"You don't know what's the matter?"
"I don't know why I'm white as a sheet. I feel fine."
Her eyes tracked down to the empty wine glass still clutched in my hand and her lips pursed. Kim walked over to the couch and sat down, features softening.
"Babe, talk to me. I'm worried about you." She shifted around and frowned. "What the hell am I sitting on?"
I shot out a hand to stop her, but Kim pulled my laptop from the cushions. I should have played it cooler. If I had, she wouldn't know that whatever was affecting me had something to do with the stowed electronic.
"What am I going to see on here?" she asked. "Is it something weird?"
I was caught between telling her it was something very weird and our friendship would never be the same if she looked at it and telling the truth. I'd never been a great liar. I gestured for her to open it, and when she did her mouth flattened into a line.
"You're watching two of Chad's videos at once?" she asked. "That seems a bit overkill."
I scratched my head. "I was comparing them."
"For what?"
This was a good opportunity to see if my theory held up. Maybe it was a good thing I'd been discovered.
"Play the older one first. Then play the new one."
She eyed me skeptically but did as I said. I couldn't see the screen from where I sat but recognized my voice right away. Then came Chad's, laughing as he spoke. I closed my eyes and pretended I was back in that moment.
Kim played the second video. Less than a minute in and she was scowling. "Who's this bitch?"
I didn't need to see the screen to know she was asking about Lori.
"His ex-girlfriend," I replied. "Or, I suppose, his current girlfriend."
"That's what you've been comparing?" She paused the video and gave me a quizzical look.
"No, not really. What else do you see apart from the fact that the girl changes?"
Kim played the video again and studied it with a keen eye. I loved her for taking this so seriously. At this point, she was the only thing keeping me from going insane.
A moment later, Kim paused the video and looked back at me. She seemed to be weighing her words.
"What don't you want to say?" I asked.
Kim sighed and closed the laptop, passing it over to me. "I think the obvious thing here is that Chad looks fucking miserable in the second video. Is that what you wanted me to see?"
I nodded.
"Thought so." She screwed up her mouth in thought. "Babe, I know that you miss him, but I don't think fixating on his videos is going to help."
"I know, I know." I sighed. "It changes absolutely nothing.”
I mean, sad eyes or not, I've been gone for five minutes, and he's already replaced me. That's gotta mean something."
Kim nodded grimly. "How do you feel?"
I took a deep breath and thought about her question, but couldn't answer with the truth. Not the whole truth, anyway. I was too raw to admit my utter devastation, too shell-shocked to admit my disbelief. Instead, I just said, "I feel like it's time for me to move on."
Twenty
Chad
I'd been lying on my back, tossing my phone above my face for the past ten minutes. I kept expecting to miss and have it barrel down and break my nose or something. That was part of what made this little game so fun.
Granted, this little game wouldn't have to be fun for me to keep doing it. All it had to be was distracting. Playing with my phone meant I couldn't use it, even though I knew it wouldn't be long before I had to.
Why did I ever think any of this was a good idea? Just over a week ago I'd been the happiest I'd ever been. I didn't know at the time it was the happiest I'd ever been, but hindsight was a bitch. Being with Brin had been like breathing pure oxygen, whereas Lori's presence was a thick smog that reached down my throat to choke me with its acrid fumes. I wanted to hate Brin for showing me how perfect life could be and then snatching that out of my grip, but I couldn't hate her for anything. She would always be perfect to me, even if thinking about her made my bones ache.
She'd given me a snapshot of a perfect life, a vignette of domestic bliss filled with acceptance and happiness. Lori came in belching noxious smoke and distorted the image.
I would say that I tried to make things work with Lori, but that would be a lie. My heart hadn't been in it from the beginning, and it never would be. I knew that now. I'd spent the first few days of us being back together lying to myself, and the next few days lying to her. It was time for me to end it. But fuck, that wasn't a conversation I looked forward to.
I threw my phone up again. It came sailing toward my face. I considered not catching it on purpose just to see if the falling object would knock some sense into me. My self-preservation instincts kicked in at the last second and I snatched it out of the air.
That was enough. I'd spent all morning in a similarly mopey mood, and I was getting tired of myself.
I dialed Lori's number and held the speaker to my ear. She picked on her customary last ring.
"Hey baby," Lori cooed. "I was hoping you'd call."
I cringed. Me being distant had pushed her to be extra affectionate over the past few days. It didn't look good on her.
"Can you come to the hotel?" I asked.
"Of course. Where do you want me to meet you?"
"My room."
"Absolutely, stud."
Lori was misinterpreting the reason for my call. I hadn't invited her to my room yet, so I supposed I couldn't blame her. In reality, I just didn't want there to be witnesses if she completely melted down. She could get downright screechy when she wanted to be.
"I'll see you soon."
I hung up the phone and tossed it over to the other side of the room. It landed on the carpet with a soft thud.
A second later, there was a knock on my door.
"That was quick," I muttered unhappily.
Had she been hanging outside my door all day, waiting for a summons?
I ran a hand over my face and rose from the bed, walking over to answer the door. A very tight-faced Russell stood on the other side, and I relaxed.
"You haven't seen Martin today, have you?" he asked.
I shook my head and frowned. "No. Why?"
Russell sighed. "I didn't think so. Can I come in?"
Russell's arrival was a welcome distraction from the scene of horror that was going to play out in my room within the next hour, so I gladly invited him inside. He strode over to the bed and perched on the edge of it. I didn't notice until then that there was a piece of paper clutched firmly in his right hand.
"What's going on?" I asked. "Where's Martin?"
Russell's kind brown eyes met mine, and he passed me the paper. "I think it'll be easier if you just read what he left."
Confused and curious, I grabbed the note and unfolded it. Martin's familiar loopy script occupied only the first few lines. Short but sweet.
Chad, I'm sorry. Lori and I sent Brin away. We've been sleeping together behind your back for months. You deserve better. Martin.
My eyes caught on the second line again and again, so much so that I barely even noticed the sentence that followed. Martin and Lori were responsible for Brin's abrupt departure? But how? What did they tell her? What must she have thought?
This couldn't be real. My best friend wouldn't do that to me. I looked over at Russell, expecting him to jump up and announce that the whole thing had been a joke, but the stoic set of his brow told me everything I needed to know.
My skin burned, heat flooding my face while my fingers somehow turned to ice. I crumpled the note in my hand and tossed it as far as I could. It fell somewhat pathetically to the carpet a few feet away.
"Did you know about this?" I tried to keep my voice steady, but it was hard when my whole world was imploding.
Russell shook his head vehemently. "No. Swear to god. Martin never told me anything; I didn't even know he had a thing for Lori."
I shook my head. “No, not about Lori. About Brin.”
His eyebrows knit in confusion. "No. I had no idea why she left, same as you."