by Cora Brent
Deck nudged me with a knowing look. “I get it. I’ve been there, man.”
We talked for a little while and then Jenny Gentry opened the sliding glass door to the patio, announcing that dinner would be ready in ten minutes. Little Isabella clung to her mother’s side and stared at me with solemn eyes. When Deck opened his arms the little girl beamed and ran to him. She laughed when he swept her up and tickled her.
They wanted me to stay for dinner and I would have liked that. I had things to do though so I reluctantly said goodbye and headed back to the city.
I was only a few miles from downtown when Kilt called. He sounded upset, which made me clutch the steering wheel tighter because Kilt didn’t get upset unless there was a really serious reason.
In spite of the fact that I had repeatedly warned Ranger to stay put at the San Gabriel until I had a chance to pay Fournier a visit, he didn’t listen. Ten minutes ago Kilt found Fingers, our favorite homeless, handless veteran, carrying on in the lobby about what he’d seen outside the corner convenience store.
Ranger had just emerged with a giant fountain soda in his hand when two shady looking guys grabbed him. They hauled him away and shoved him into a car. I couldn’t be sure that they were Fournier’s boys but I would have bet the pink slip of my favorite Mustang that he had something to do with it.
“Fuck,” I said into the phone. I was pissed at myself for not taking care of this already, pissed at Fournier for being such a douchebag, and pissed at Ranger for refusing to obey instructions that would keep his neck from getting broken.
“Con,” Kilt said, “Come and get me before you do anything.”
“I will,” I promised even though I was lying. I was afraid Ranger might not have much time.
I made a call to one of Fournier’s well known buddies, asked where I might find him and then made a quick stop at a bank where I kept a safe deposit box.
In an old, run down section of town that hadn’t fallen under the spell of developers yet, there were some bars, strip clubs and sex shops hanging on. I found that fat fuck Fournier playing cards at a table in a titty bar. He didn’t look surprised to see me. He even waved. I exhaled with relief when I caught a glimpse of Ranger slouched miserably in a chair in the corner. I couldn’t see him that well in the dark but it didn’t look like they’d roughed him up too much. Yet. His eyes widened when he saw me and I wondered why he just sat there kind of slumped over but then I realized both his hands were handcuffed to the lower rungs of the chair.
“You want in, Gentry?” Fournier called. “We’re about to start another round. Five hundred dollar buy in.”
I pulled up a chair and took a calming breath before speaking, trying to keep the anger out of my voice. “Thought we had an arrangement where the kid was concerned.”
Fournier looked up, pretended to think for a minute, and then nodded. “Oh, that,” he said cheerfully. “Yeah, we still do. The boys just happened to run into him and decided to be courteous and invite him over for a visit.”
Three of Fournier’s guys were at the table and another one was hunched over the bar. Their reptilian eyes had been fastened on me since I walked through the door. I had to hope that Fournier hadn’t gotten so full of himself that he would do something dumb.
Two of the strippers visited with a round of drinks. One of them I recognized. Clea was her name, or at least that was the name she gave freely. She had once worked at one of the other clubs I used to visit often and I could remember having a few dirty times with her. Then one day I caught her trying to lift my wallet and that was the end of that. Either she’d forgotten that last part or she figured all was forgiven because when she saw me she curled her lip in a sexy sneer and sidled over. I didn’t react at all when she touched my shoulder and ran her hand down my chest. Her fingernails were like red talons and she smelled like smoke and desperation. Even if Roslyn hadn’t been in the picture I wouldn’t have been remotely interested.
Deliberately I moved my chair six inches to the right to deliver the polite but firm message that I didn’t want whatever she was offering. She let out a soft hiss but didn’t look back when she moved on to the next table.
Fournier’s attention was on the cards but he looked up when I cleared my throat. In my right hand I flashed a stack of green and then passed it under the table.
“I think this will take care of any confusion,” I said as his sweaty, eager fingers closed around the cash.
Fournier grinned. “All right, Conway. Due to the nature of our affectionate friendship your little buddy gets a break for today. But I’ve changed my mind about anything permanent. You get what I’m saying? Amnesty is not extended for tomorrow.”
My mouth was dry. “I get it,” I said tightly.
In other words, Ranger had to get the hell out of town or Fournier’s goons might decide to decorate downtown Phoenix with his entrails.
As Fournier’s two beefy sidekicks roughly handed Ranger over, the boy was still trying to look tough and unaffected. He managed to keep up the illusion until we were back in my car. I hadn’t even pulled out into the street yet when his shoulders started shaking and his chest heaving. It seemed kinder to ignore the way he sobbed with abandon and after a few minutes he pulled himself together anyway.
Ranger didn’t say anything as we parked in the cavernous city garage beside the Hotel San Gabriel. He followed me closely into the lobby, which was empty except for old Fingers, who was now snoring in a corner.
Up on the sixth floor, Kilt was waiting with a barrage of questions and griping. Ranger slumped against a wall, nodding silently when I ordered him to stay put for a minute. Kilt listened to my summary of current events and sighed when I told him the kid needed to get out of town. He offered to kick in some cash but I assured him I had it covered and gave him a grateful shoulder slap before grabbing a duffel bag out of my room and returning to Ranger.
Ranger was exactly where I’d left him and he watched me with eyes that were grieved but accepting.
“I guess I need to leave,” he said.
“Yes, you do. The sooner the better because that asshole’s not exactly a man of his word and I wouldn’t count on his good mood lasting more than a few hours. Come on, I’ll help you pack up.”
He didn’t have much and most of what he did have was bought with the money I’d given him. Some clothes, toiletries and a few personal effects. The backpack he’d been carrying when I found him dumpster diving months ago was virtually shredded so he stuffed everything in my duffel bag.
By now it was totally dark out and the tweakers tended to come creeping out of their rooms more often after dark. Some of them were down in the lobby, lining up elaborate towers of what looked like white dinner mints. They managed to step out of their drug addled heads long enough to bid Ranger farewell when he told them goodbye. Fingers even woke up in time to offer a toothless grin.
It was a short drive to the big downtown bus station. From there Ranger could buy a ticket to any one of two dozen cities across the country. He didn’t say anything and I kept combing my brain, trying to think of what advice I ought to give him. We parked outside the terminal and watched people walk back and forth.
“You got any family who would take you back?” I finally asked him.
Ranger shook his head sadly. “No.”
“How old are you anyway?”
He smiled. “Eighteen.”
“Minus at least a couple of months I’d bet.”
“That might be a bet you’d win.”
“In any case, here’s some cash I owe you for some of the odd jobs you’ve been doing.”
His eyes bugged out when he saw the money. “Holy shit.”
I tapped his forehead with the stack of cash. “Don’t be stupid about spending it, you hear me? Keep it taped to your skin and don’t tell a soul about it. No bragging to the next doe-eyed little minx you want to get naked with. This will help you get out of town and start over so don’t squander it because I won’t be able to give
you anymore.”
I stuffed the money into his palm and he just sat there for a minute, staring at it.
He sniffed and ran the back of his hand across his nose. He’d filled out quite a bit now that he was eating regular meals. A smart, good looking kid like Ranger ought to be able to find his way somehow. Hopefully he’d learned some valuable lessons that would keep him from making the wrong choices.
“Thanks, Conway,” he said gravely. “I know that’s inadequate but it’s all I’ve got. You’ve been more than decent to me.”
“Yeah well, decency is a character trait I’m trying out.”
“You wear it well.” He gave me a penetrating look, then slowly smiled. “It’s because of the girl isn’t it? The really pretty one. I can tell you’re nuts about her.”
“She might have something to do with it. “
That was true. Roslyn did have something to do with the way my better angels were winning these days. It wasn’t all because of her though. Deck was right. A man can look at a woman and want to be the kind of man she deserves but he has to want it for himself too or it just won’t stick. And I planned to make these revisions stick.
“Any idea where you’ll go?” I asked him.
He looked out the window, squinting into darkness. “Nowhere cold, that’s for sure. But somewhere a little less sun scorched than Phoenix.”
“Shouldn’t be too hard to find a match. I don’t think anyplace is quite as scorching as Phoenix.”
He was staring down at his lap, his hands clutching his bag. He looked a little scared but he’d hardly be human if he wasn’t. Still, I had hope for him. He was a clever kid and he seemed like he had enough of a heart to keep him whole without being soft enough to doom him. If he made the right decisions from here on out then he had a chance.
“Conway,” Ranger said but couldn’t seem to follow it up with anymore words.
He looked out the window and I knew he was already thinking about leaving this place behind and wondering where he’d be tomorrow.
“I know,” I said somberly, reaching over to push the door open for him. “And you’re welcome.”
Ranger gave me one final grateful smile and eased out of the car, shutting the door softly behind him. He just stood there on the other side for a minute, looking at all the people who were milling around with individual secret purposes. Then he took his first step and started to become one of them.
As Ranger started walking away I kept thinking about Roslyn.
And the future. And Jackson. And the past. And all my brothers, my cousins, their wives, their children.
I pushed the button to open the window, realizing that I couldn’t let that kid go out into the wide terrifying world without sharing the only valuable piece of wisdom I’d come by these last twenty-three years.
“Hey Ranger,” I called. He hadn’t gotten far and he turned around, a question mark in his eyes. “You go find your people,” I told him. “Whoever they are. Blood isn’t the only way to go about it. But people are the only things in this world worth searching for, worth sacrificing for, worth keeping. So you keep looking until you find yours, okay?”
He cocked his head and I got the feeling he thought I was off my rocker. But then he nodded. “I will.”
I kept my eyes on him until he disappeared into the small grey building where he could buy a ticket to that distant, idyllic place that wasn’t too cold or too hot. A place he could learn to call home.
As I backed the car out and headed for the road I had a sudden, fervent urge to see Roslyn. I missed her all the time and I felt bad about the fact that I hadn’t really kept her in the loop lately.
She didn’t answer when I called her phone. I almost left a voicemail but then changed my mind. Then I almost just drove to her apartment but I changed my mind about that too. It was late. She might be tired. She might be angry at me for failing to be up front with her, for letting her believe I’d never even given a thought to a future with her.
I’m here, baby. Don’t give up on me, not yet.
I loved her.
I just needed to tell her that and trust that she still cared to hear it.
CHAPTER TWENTY
ROSLYN
When I told Emily where I was going she immediately offered to go with me but I just wanted to be alone. The drive would feel good and it seemed like so much time had passed since I’d been back to Emblem. I had never called in sick in the year I’d worked at Homestead so no one would bat an eye.
Phyllis was the one who answered the phone. When I tried to sound pathetic and said I wouldn’t be in today she gently asked me if I was going to be okay. I told her yes, I was sure all would be well by Monday. She hesitated and told me to get better over the weekend.
My hand went instinctively to my stomach after I tossed my phone in my purse. I wondered if anyone else could tell I was pregnant just by looking at me. It wasn’t likely. I wasn’t showing yet but now that I knew I could detect slight changes in my body and felt like an idiot for not recognizing them earlier. My breasts were fuller, more tender. My stomach, which has always been fit and firm, now felt vaguely swollen when I ran my palm over the area between my belly button and pelvic bone. Soon it would be tougher to hide the truth.
As for Conway, he wouldn’t have wanted to come so I didn’t call him. Emblem wasn’t high on his destinations of choice and it wouldn’t have made a good setting for the kind of conversation we still needed to have.
Even though I needed to head in the opposite direction to get on the freeway, I drove past the Hotel San Gabriel anyway. In its day it must have been the crown jewel in a fledgling city but now it just looked like a tired relic trying in vain to reach for the sky. I felt mildly guilty for ignoring Conway’s call last night but if I tried to reach him now I’d probably just wake him up and then we’d have an awkward exchange or maybe argue.
As the San Gabriel faded in my rearview mirror I switched my phone off. I wasn’t expecting to find any answers in Emblem. I just wanted to visit my best friend. I wanted to remember where I’d come from. Maybe after that I’d be able to figure out where I was going next.
Most of the traffic was crawling into Phoenix, not leaving. There was a long, silvery line of vehicles en route to just one more workday before the weekend. It felt liberating to head the other way. Soon the city skyline gave way to the more subdued outline of the suburbs. In terms of area the Phoenix metropolitan region was enormous, stretching endless arms in either direction. I was going beyond the southeastern fringes to the town I was born in, a place people always planned on leaving if they could.
It looked the same. Emblem never changed much, not in the ways that made a big difference. The sprawling prison complex was the first thing you saw when you entered the town limits. If you kept going you would cross into the quaint historic district that still boasted a few adobe buildings left over from the wild west territorial era. The Emblem Memorial Cemetery was impossible to miss. It had been in the same place since the town was founded, although it had grown outwards as the need arose.
By this time it was nearly ten o’clock in the morning. When I parked and stepped outside I took note of how the air seemed so much fresher than it did in Phoenix. Out here you could smell the raw desert that had been obscured by asphalt and concrete elsewhere.
I easily found my way to Erin’s grave. I’d been here enough times that it would have been odd if I couldn’t. As always I felt my throat tighten with tears when I saw her name spelled out above the tragically short span of her life. I swallowed those tears and knelt down to talk to her. I always talked to her when I came here. I always felt sure that she heard me.
“Hey, sis,” I said gently as I curled my legs underneath me.
I reached into my purse and withdrew a small tissue-wrapped mound, which I unwrapped and set at the base of the gravestone. It was a polished moonstone that I’d found at a spiritual shop inside the mall. The yellowing label hanging beneath the display had said moonstones were o
ften worn as an amulet, instilling feelings of love and positive emotions in the wearer. While I didn’t know if that was true or nonsense, I liked the sound of it and I knew Erin would have appreciated it too.
Today I’d also worn my crystal, the one she’d given me so long ago. As I talked I touched the chain for comfort. I told her about Conway, then about me and Conway. At first I felt funny about it but as the words poured out something heavy in my chest began to dissolve. If there was such a thing as the hereafter then I was afraid Erin might not want to hear that I was having the life she never got to live with Conway. But the only feelings that washed over me were love and understanding. I told her we missed her. I told her about the baby.
Skeptics would insist my imagination was to blame, but when I was done talking I lowered my head and felt a soft hand touch my left shoulder in comfort. I looked but of course I saw no one there.
“Goodbye for now,” I told her as I stood and brushed the grass from my legs.
My car was the only one in the parking lot. I guess Friday morning is not a common time to visit the dead. As I drove out of the lot toward Main Street I thought I heard my name, which would have been unlikely since the car windows were closed. Anyway, when I craned my neck around I couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary so I kept driving.
There wasn’t really much else to do here but I didn’t feel like leaving yet. I drove past the family diner where my tenth birthday party had been held. I saw the elementary school where I’d played in the shade of an ancient mesquite tree and laughed with my best friend. Finally I headed to the residential neighborhood that surrounded the historic section of downtown. This was the decent part of Emblem where I’d lived, where Erin had lived, where Conway had lived.
My old house was unrecognizable. The handsome red brick had been painted pink, a big flower garden had been added, and a pair of red tricycles were in the driveway. It looked like a family lived there and I was glad. I wondered if the owners of the tricycles slept in my old bedroom.