Every Time It Rains

by Nikita Singh

  Maahi looked uneasy and fearful as she said, ‘I—I felt bad for you. And sad … because you had to go through that when you were so young…’

  ‘Exactly. That’s how everyone in my life felt for me. Pity. Like I was broken and would never recover, and that my life was over and I was just a shell of the person I used to be, because I’d lost my soulmate and would never be the same again. But you know what? You don’t know shit. You have no idea how I felt when my husband died!’

  Maahi didn’t say anything. She simply sat down more comfortably on the floor and held Laila’s hands, waiting.

  Laila sniffed and pushed away the hair from her face. ‘I was glad. He died right in front of me, and I looked down at him, covered in blood that kept increasing every second, and I felt glad that my husband was dying. Because the moment before that—before he was hit by that car—he had been chasing me, and when he caught up with me, he was going to rape me—for the second time.’

  Maahi gasped. And when Laila saw her lower lip begin to tremble, she looked away, and continued speaking, violently, years of pent-up rage flowing through her veins and out of her mouth like venom. ‘We were happy. We were so in love and so, so happy! I had known him for years, loved him for years and I had let him know me better than anyone else. He knew everything about me, every last thing. He was everything to me, I literally gave him everything I had. He was the one person that I put before myself and, trust me, if I had to take a bullet for him, I would’ve done it without second thought. I know it sounds cheesy and clichéd, but it’s true.’

  Laila shook her head, her lip curling in disgust. ‘And after all that, everything we felt and shared … I’m not a bad judge of character, you know? In fact, I think I’m quite good at gauging people. He wasn’t a bad person, he wasn’t a liar or a cheater, and it wasn’t a loveless marriage—we weren’t lying to ourselves. It was real. It was all so real, and for both of us. I was so sure of it. Until one day, he got into his head that there was another man in my life, a co-worker, and he got obsessed with it. I didn’t realize it at first, I just thought he was jealous. And I thought it was okay, even sweet in a way. But then one night, we got into an argument about it, and I was annoyed, and honestly, I felt a little betrayed that he would even think that I had feelings for another man. Abhi and I—we were such a tight circle. There wasn’t any room for anyone else. And I expected him to know that, because I knew that there wasn’t any room in his heart for another person either. But he wouldn’t let it go—he kept asking me to say it, say the words, to swear on him that there was nothing going on between me and that man. And I wouldn’t say it. I told him that if he didn’t trust me enough to not need to ask that question, what was the point of our whole relationship? That maybe I’d misjudged the place we held in each other’s lives. So, there we were, both furious, both feeling betrayed by the other. And then, it happened for the first time.’

  Laila felt physically revolted as the memory of that night came back to her. It was the beginning of the end of their love. Even though it hadn’t felt that way back then—they had no way of knowing what was going to follow. But that night, when he hit her the first time, it changed the way she looked at their entire time together.

  ‘Laila …’ Maahi looked too terrified to speak.

  ‘He slapped me,’ Laila said calmly, even though her body was shaking again. ‘One moment, we were standing on the opposite ends of our bed, screaming our lungs out at each other, the next minute, he was hitting me across my face to physically shut me up. Oh, don’t look at me like that. I wasn’t some poor girl he was going to overpower and supress. He hurt me emotionally more than physically. All I felt at that moment was blind fury. I was so pissed off with him. I pushed him away and stormed out of the apartment. He didn’t follow me, or attempt to stop me, because he knew it wasn’t going to do him any good. He had never seen me that angry before—I don’t think I’d ever been that angry before. So he let me go. I stayed with Maa that night, which was the last thing I wanted to do, because I had spent my whole life trying to prove to her that true love exists and that even though she failed at it, I was going to be successful. Yeah, I know. I was a selfish, arrogant bitch, and I cared more about proving my mother wrong than the reality of my relationship with Abhishek.’

  Tears were flowing down Maahi’s cheeks, but again, she didn’t speak and Laila continued. Now that she had started, she didn’t want to stop.

  She released a long, shaky breath and said, ‘Abhishek was there the first thing next morning. We didn’t even speak to each other. I just got up in the middle of breakfast and went home with him. He must’ve apologized a thousand times. He took full responsibility, begged for forgiveness, pleaded temporary insanity, swore it would never happen again, and I accepted it. I was too in love with him to let one mistake in the heat of the moment ruin our lives. And things almost went back to the way they were, but I guess I just wanted to believe that illusion. Now, I think that things were never the same.

  ‘Anyway. So that was the first time, and then there was a second time. Just a month after the first. And this time, it was no heat-of-the-moment thing. If it was, that was the longest fucking moment of anyone’s life. It was … I don’t know what it was. Abhishek didn’t feel like a person I even knew. It was as if he was possessed by something. We were fighting about the same damn thing, and this time, he thought he had some kind of proof that I was cheating on him and he didn’t just hit me once—it wasn’t a spontaneous, accidental thing—he beat me repeatedly. And he forced himself on me, while I begged and pleaded for him to stop. When I realized that he wasn’t himself, that he wasn’t even listening, I fought him; I hit him back, but that only made him angrier and he beat me harder and raped me.’

  Laila let out a dry, tortured laugh and said, ‘The funny thing is that he couldn’t even go through with the rape. He suddenly collapsed on me and began sobbing, muttering things like a madman, apologizing. I was nearly passed out, but I came to my senses, and pushed him off of me. And I ran. I didn’t think he would follow me, but he knew he had gone too far this time, and he couldn’t let me escape. So he chased me. I was bleeding all over, my clothes were ripped, my legs could barely support me, but I ran faster than I ever had. And that’s when I crossed the street and he followed, and he died.’

  ‘Laila …’ Maahi moaned and wrapped her arms around her. Tears were flowing unchecked down her cheeks, and she was shivering harder than Laila.

  ‘I later told people that we both tripped in front of the car to explain the bruises all over my body. I was so sad, so depressed after my husband’s death that no one questioned my lie. Not even Maa, but I knew that she knew something was wrong. I guess she never said anything because she didn’t want to embarrass me and my attempt at proving the existence of true love. And he was dead anyway, so how did it matter?’

  ‘How could it not matter?’ Maahi cried. Her eyebrows knotted in anger as she spoke. ‘He was a horrible, abusive person and you’re letting people believe that he was this great … angel, the perfect husband … just because he’s dead? Death doesn’t change what kind of person he was!’

  ‘Yes, but I never did find out what kind of a person he was, did I? Never got the chance. Because he’s dead, and he was my husband, I have to give him the benefit of the doubt.’

  ‘What do you mean? He raised his hand on you—he raped you, Laila! I don’t understand why you’re defending him!’

  Laila brought both her hands to her face and rubbed her forehead, trying to clear her head. ‘I have to defend him because I loved him for weeks and months and years, and I hated him only for a couple hours. I don’t know what happened that night—maybe he actually was mentally ill, maybe it really was temporary insanity and he had no control over what he was doing—I cannot ever know!’

  ‘NO! It didn’t just happen once. He might have accidentally hit you once, but he beat you and raped you the second time, and that’s not forgivable. There’s no way you can give that the
benefit of the doubt, no matter how you look at it,’ Maahi said fiercely. She had stopped crying, but her cheeks were still wet, and her eyes were red, though that was more out of anger than sadness.

  ‘You think I haven’t thought about that?’ Laila pushed back and dragged herself across the floor. She closed her eyes and leaned against the back of the sofa behind her. ‘What were my options? He was either a horrible person throughout, which makes our whole relationship, the love we shared, a lie. Or, it was all real, but he made big, terrible mistakes at the end. And no matter what the reality was, it didn’t change the fact that he was dead. And I was left battling myself, because I loved him and hated him in equal measure, and I was equally sad and happy about him dying. I would feel guilty for feeling happy, and then I would feel awful. When that passed, I would try to forget him altogether, and I would succeed for a few days and then again, I would feel guilty, because if I didn’t remember him, who would? His memory would be lost, and my husband deserved better than that.’ Laila let out a snort. ‘And then that would make me feel guilty again, because being a woman, how could I love and protect a husband who was abusive? As a human being, how could I condone him hitting another person?’

  ‘Because … you couldn’t … it wasn’t your fault…’

  ‘There are no simple answers, Maahi. Trust me, I have tried. You could go around in circles, till you’re dizzy, but still find no answers.’

  ‘But you’re saying—’ Maahi began, paused, and spoke again, as if struggling to make sense of everything. ‘You keep saying that no matter what conclusion you try to draw, you feel guilty, right? When you feel glad about him dying, you feel guilty. When you feel terrible about him dying, you feel guilty for feeling that way about an abusive person and protecting him. And when you try to forget him altogether, you still feel guilty. Right?’

  ‘Basically.’ Laila opened her eyes and met Maahi’s.

  ‘Okay. So what I’m saying is that that’s one thing you shouldn’t be feeling. No matter what happened, none of this is your fault. You shouldn’t take the blame, or feel guilt about any of it. We might not have answers to a lot of questions, but that’s one thing that’s completely clear to me.’

  Maahi spoke with so much conviction that Laila’s heart felt a tug. A tear escaped the corner of Laila’s eyes as Maahi continued speaking.

  ‘Also, another thing that’s very clear to me is that hitting another person is never right or acceptable.’

  Laila pursed her lips, trying hard to hold back tears. She swallowed the lump in her throat and smiled weakly. ‘See, that’s one thing I can agree on too. Which is why I’m never seeing JD again.’

  ‘JD? What—oh, fuck, Laila, did he hit you? What the fuck happened tonight?’ Maahi’s eyes were wide again and she crawled to the back of the sofa to sit next to Laila.

  ‘JD got into a fight tonight,’ Laila said, showing Maahi her palm, which was stained with blood from JD’s knuckles. Watching Maahi’s expression, Laila added quickly, ‘No, this isn’t my blood. He didn’t hurt me, at least not intentionally. He was just so full of rage that he pushed me into his car without even realizing what he’d done. I guess he gets points for that—the spur of the moment insanity and blindness. Doesn’t make him an abusive person, right?’

  ‘I … I don’t know what to say,’ Maahi said helplessly, looking at Laila, whose face was stretched in a hard smile. ‘What happened, exactly? Who did he get into a fight with?’

  ‘Just some random drunk men who were catcalling me outside the restaurant—’

  ‘Oh, that’s different then!’

  ‘How is that different? They were just hurling abuses and were clearly drunk. There was no need to get physical—’

  ‘But he was protecting you! Which is the opposite of what Abhishek did!’ Maahi said wildly, looking at Laila as if she was being stupid understanding such a simple thing.

  ‘No,’ Laila said sharply. ‘What JD did was exactly the same. Both the incidents were driven by the same principle. And trust me, you don’t want to argue with me on this. I have thought about abuse for years, and all forms of abuse originate from the same root—the belief that you have power over another person’s body and have the right to hurt them. It’s the thought that you have the right to decide how another human being should behave, and when they don’t, you have the right to punish them. That is what Abhishek did both those nights and exactly what JD did tonight.’

  Maahi was shaking her head, but Laila could tell that she was mulling over what Laila had said.

  ‘And anyway, it doesn’t matter. Thankfully, there’s a simple solution to this—I never see JD again.’

  ‘Simple solution?’ Maahi looked taken aback. ‘You’re in love with him. You know that, right? How is this going to be simple?’

  ‘Not simple, but far simpler in comparison for sure,’ Laila said bitterly. She knew Maahi wasn’t convinced, so she added, ‘Listen, Maahi, after Abhishek’s death, I was depressed for months, even years. The first couple of years were torturous. It’s a cold, dark, terrifying place. I can’t go back. If I’m ever pushed back there, I don’t think I’ll be able to come out again.’

  Maahi’s face was dry now, and so were her eyes. They looked too bright under the light, surrounded by her tired face. When she spoke, her voice was barely a whisper. ‘This is not the same thing.’

  ‘Maybe not,’ Laila agreed. ‘Perhaps JD is completely different from Abhishek, if we’re looking at Abhishek as the villain. But even then, I don’t think I have it in me to find out. I never found out about Abhishek and I don’t want to find out about JD.’

  ‘Laila…’

  ‘Maahi, you have to understand. I’m not broken, or damaged, or scared … Well, maybe I am all of those things, but I don’t let those things rule my life. When I first met JD, it was the first time I felt something for a man ever since Abhishek, and it wasn’t because I was still mourning the loss of my husband, or I was too terrified to try again. It was because I simply hadn’t met anyone that I felt that way about.’

  Laila paused for a moment, collected her thoughts. ‘I think about myself when I was with Abhishek, missing possible red flags, making mistakes, being so naïve and unconcerned, and I want to run to that girl and protect her. I feel like that girl will be ruined forever, and I have to save her, but then I remember that it has happened—that girl is already ruined and has become a person who can take it. You know what I mean? The person I’ve become can take whatever happens to her because it can’t get any worse. So trust me, I’m not ending it with JD because I’m scared to try again—it’s because I simply don’t have the energy to.’

  Maahi nodded slowly, and slipped her head onto Laila’s shoulder. Laila tilted her head on her friend’s, and they sat there for a long time. Maahi eventually fell asleep like that while Laila stayed up, going over everything that had happened that night, not thinking about Abhishek at all. She wondered what JD was doing, if he was hurt badly, if he’d fallen asleep yet. She hadn’t checked her phone since she ran away from him. Had he called or texted? Was he angry with her?

  Laila released a short laugh. How did it matter anyway? He’d done the one thing that ensured she would never talk to him again, the one thing she detested the most and couldn’t condone in anyone. Whether he realized it or not, he was the one who had essentially ended their relationship with the first punch he threw at that man and the push he gave her. She shuddered as the memory came back to her vividly. The horror that she had felt in the split second it had taken her to realize that JD had thrown her off himself and right onto the car. The man she was in love with. The man she had to forget.

  19

  ESCAPE

  Even though they got too little sleep, when the sun came up, they pretended as if nothing had happened the previous night and followed their usual routine. Maahi looked at Laila nervously from time to time, but Laila went about her morning drill without hesitation, and Maahi followed suit. Laila ignored the multiple missed calls
and messages JD had left on her phone when she plugged it in to charge. She took a quick shower, afraid that spending too much time without company would result in her breaking down, and rushed to get dressed and join Maahi in the kitchen for breakfast.

  They read the news as usual, went over the plan for Cookies + Cupcakes for the day, and cursed the gate when it creaked on their way out. Maahi insisted that she join Laila at Two, at which Laila had to look her friend in the eye and assure her that she was absolutely fine and didn’t need a babysitter. Maahi looked unconvinced at first, but buckled under Laila’s steady gaze.

  A few hours into the day, Laila had almost fooled herself into believing that the day was fine, she was fine, everything was fine, when she heard his voice. She was in the kitchen, finishing up a batch of cookies with Javed, and the second she heard his voice, her first instinct was to hide.

  But Javed looked up at her, having heard JD too, and asked, ‘Is JD here? Are we hearing about the decision already?’

  ‘It’s been less than a day,’ Laila said calmly.

  ‘Right.’ Javed went back to work immediately.

  Aparna popped her head into the kitchen and murmured excitedly, ‘Someone’s here to see you!’

  Laila offered her a tight smile and dropped the tray she was holding on the counter. She had no choice but to go out and see him, unless she wanted to create a scene in front of her team. Her heart thumped loudly in her chest as she walked out of the kitchen, racking her mind for something to say to him. And then she saw him, over the heads of their Saturday morning customers.

  JD was clearly distressed. He stood away from the customers, near the door, shifting his weight from one leg to the other, fidgeting nervously with his phone. He looked up towards the kitchen door and their eyes met. His mouth opened as if on its own accord as soon as he spotted her. He paused, became completely still, except for his brows which came together as he studied her, his eyes holding a million questions.