by Delisa Lynn
He finally shows me his surprise. He'd gotten a tattoo before the crash. It's a big globe of the world on his chest with the name Lila under it. I've seen the tattoo several times in the last couple of days. He also got With Every Breath tattooed across his back. It's beautiful. I cry as we continue to make love.
I show him my new tattoo and he loves it.
“So Ads and Nikki got one too?”
“Yes,” I whisper.
“I know she was like a sister to you. She loved you so much, L.”
“I loved her too. I thought once I had you back, my life would be complete, but it isn’t with her gone.”
He kisses my tattoo. “I know, my love, I know.”
“Liam, Vinnie brought me the letters and pictures. So um…were you really a virgin when we made love for the first time?”
He smirks. “Yes. I'd messed around with a few girls, got my fingers wet a couple of times, but my first time with you was my first time. I’m so glad it was with you.”
I give him a look and gently slap his arm. “I’m glad I was your first, but I really wish I didn’t know about the wet fingers part.”
He laughs. “Oh L, you will always be my one and only.”
Oh, fuck! I slept with Evan and he doesn’t know yet.
Chapter Twenty-Two
I awake to breakfast in bed, courtesy of Eric and Liam, and twenty texts from Evan asking what the fuck is going on.
I tell Liam I have to get back, but as I’m packing to go, I hear someone barge through the front door.
“Lila, what's going on?” Evan yells. Eric just looks at me like oh shit, sis, you're busted.
“I can explain.”
“Who is this fucking dude?” Liam asks.
“Liam, this is Evan. Remember, I told you about Evan when I first started school?”
“We’re engaged. She's been with me since you’ve been gone,” Evan tells him.
“Evan! Let me explain this to Liam. Please go now!”
“I get it. This was the emergency? They found your long lost boyfriend that left you?”
Fuck, Evan is not making this easy on me, and the looks I’m getting from Liam…Eric is just standing there with his arms crossed, probably getting a damn kick out of all of this.
“You’re her fiancé? Okay, what the hell is going on here, Lila?” Liam asks.
“Evan and I have been seeing each other since you’ve been missing. He proposed after Thanksgiving.”
“You said yes? Not knowing where I was or if I was dead? So you’ve been shacking up with this hulk-looking mother fucker?”
“Who the hell you talking to like that?” Evan says.
“Guys, let’s calm down so I can explain everything to you both. I can’t if you're going to argue.”
“Lila, let’s go home. You're my fiancée and we're leaving,” Evan says.
“She isn’t going anywhere with you, dude,” Liam says.
“Liam, I’ll be right back.” I walk outside with Evan.
“What are you doing?” Evan asks, anger and pain in his voice. “Are you just going to throw away what we have to run to him?”
“I need time to think, Evan!”
“Fine, I’m going back to New York!” Then he grabs my arm. “So are you.”
“Let me go now!”
“No, you're my fiancée and you're leaving with me. I love you and you said you loved me. You said you wanted to marry me. I was there for you when he wasn’t!”
“Stop, you're hurting me, Evan. You knew that there was a chance that I would go back to Liam.”
Oh dear God, what have I done? I’m hurting him so bad. I can see the pain in his eyes.
“A chance. You've been sleeping with me for two fucking years. Now he comes back and you want to leave me? How could you throw away everything we have, Lila?”
“Let her go,” Eric yells.
Liam punches Evan in the face. Evan starts to swing back, but just as he does, Liam punches him again and says, “No one will hurt my Lila.”
Evan wipes the blood away, draws his fist back, and says, “What are you going to do, army boy?” Then he punches Liam.
“I suggest you go if you don’t want me to knock you the fuck out,” Liam yells as he wipes his face.
“All right guys, that’s enough. You both need to stop. Can’t you see my sister is hurting? She didn’t mean to do this to you guys,” Eric says.
“Please just go,” I cry. Fuck, Evan is bleeding, Liam is bleeding, and my arm is sore.
I drop to my knees and begin to pray. “Dear God, please help me fix this mess I created. I never meant to hurt either one of them. I love them both.”
As soon as I finish speaking, they both look like they've seen a ghost.
“You're in love with him too?” Liam asks.
“I love Evan with all my heart, but I love you more. Liam, you mean so much to me. You’re my everything.”
Evan drops his head.
“You better stay the fuck away from her!” Liam shouts.
“You can call me when you come to your senses,” Evan says. “This isn’t over. I’m sorry, I know I told you that I would be okay with it, but I’m not. I’d die for you, Lila. You're my life now.”
“Evan please, just go.”
I end up sending him to my parents until I’m ready to go. How could I have been stupid enough to think this would be okay? I’m ripping his heart out of his chest and stomping on it.
I call Nikki and ask her to please come to me. She says she'll be in California in three days. That gives me time to go to New York and back, but I need her now.
I know she can't drop everything and run to me. Eric wants to go back to New York with me, but I need to do this alone.
***
I don’t know what I’m going to do. Liam is mad at me for not telling him about Evan and for going back to New York alone. I have to think. I have to sort everything out. I end up not sitting with Evan on the plane and leaving the airport before he does.
Evan hasn’t hurt me and never will, so why am I breaking his heart?
I made this mess and I need to fix it. Addie is gone and I need her so bad right now. She would probably laugh at the situation I've created.
***
What the hell am I supposed to do now? I go to my Dean and explain I want to transfer my credits. They say that with my classes and my being an honor student that it isn’t a problem. I can actually graduate next year.
I go ahead and get everything transferred to the University of California. I call Heather. Her and Margie come and help me pack everything. I’m really going to miss them; they've been great friends.
Now it’s time to face Evan.
I call Evan. When he comes over, I explain I love him very much; I’m just not ready to be his wife and I don’t want to be with him right now.
“That doesn’t mean we can’t try again later,” I say.
“Later? You have to be fucking kidding me, right?”
“Evan, just go. I’m leaving to go back home in the morning.”
“Oh, you’re running back to army boy, aren’t you?”
“No! Leave Liam out of this!” I yell.
“Oh, this is his fault! You thought he was dead and you wanted me, but now that he's come back to life, you just want to say 'fuck Evan, who the hell was he?'”
“No, it isn’t like that.” I’m crying so hard, I’m shaking.
“He was the one who left you and you used me to get over him. How fucking nice of you. How could you be such a whore?”
“Evan, please calm down. Let’s talk, not yell. Please!”
I place my arm around his and look at him. I hope he sees the pain in my eyes. I’m dying inside.
Finally, he sighs and says, “I’m sorry, you aren’t a whore. I’ll calm down, sweetheart.” He puts his arms around me.
“I do love you. I love you more than you can imagine. I told you before this all happened that if and when Liam comes back, I'm going back to him.
”
He runs his hands through his hair. “That was years ago.”
“I know. It's been almost two years, but he's back.”
“You told me you loved me and you accepted my proposal. Now, all of a sudden, you want him. So did you really want to marry me? Or was I just your back-up plan?”
I know how bad it all sounds. It isn’t coming out the way I planned in my head. “I don’t know. I love you and I can picture us spending forever together, but my forever is supposed to be with Liam.”
“You already fucked him, didn’t you?”
Yeah, if he only knew I was thinking about him as Liam came inside of me.
“Don’t ask me things like that.”
God, it’s written all over my face. I feel so bad. I’m going to hell for sure.
“I’m sorry, can I just stay with you one last night? Please Lila, give me this last night. Then I’ll leave you to do as you want.”
“You can stay, but I’m leaving in the morning regardless.”
I know I shouldn’t let him stay, but I want closure and he deserves one last night with me.
“Okay, that’s fine with me.”
He grabs me and starts kissing me.
“What are you doing?” I ask. The hurt in his beautiful eyes is killing me. “You know this will make it worse.”
“Please let me make love to you one last time. I won’t tell Liam anything about it.”
“I can’t. You’re hurt enough, and this won’t help either of us.” I can’t deny the fact that I want him as bad as he wants me.
“No, I want you. Please?”
I can’t imagine my life without him, but I have to let him go. I decide to spend my last night in New York with him and give him what we both need. How can I sleep with Liam one night, then Evan the next?
What's wrong with me? I’m starting to act like Savvy. I kiss Evan back and he undresses me. I help him get undressed. He picks me up with my legs wrapped around his waist and sits me on the kitchen counter. He makes love to me more passionately than he ever has before.
When he enters me, I feel like I’m melting. This will be the last time I’m going to be with Evan. I've made my decision. I know it’s killing Evan, but I can’t leave Liam. Liam and I have been through too much and I want to marry him.
“Lila, please hold me tight, please show me how much you love me.”
I pull him closer to me, causing him to enter farther inside of me. Every time he moves in and out of me, I can feel tears rolling down my face. Although it feels so wonderful, it's destroying us both. I kiss his neck as he leans his head back. I can feel his tears falling on my chest. Just as he comes, he screams my name. This is the first time he's broken down and cried since his mom died.
I look him in his eyes. “I’ll love you until I take my last breath,” I whisper as I lay my head in the crook of his neck. He smells so good. I’ll miss his scent, his touch, and his love.
“I have never loved anyone the way I do you. Baby, I love you so much, it’s killing me to let you walk away, but it’s what I promised you. Although it hurts, I have to let you go back to him. You were his all along and you were never mine. The nights we spent together and the days we spent together, they were just borrowed time. They were truly the best days of my life.”
“Oh, Evan, I’m so sorry to do this to you. I never meant for this to happen. I’ll always love you and cherish my memories of you.” I can’t stop crying. I’m hurting so bad—hurting for Evan and for Liam, hurting for all the problems that I caused between the three of us.
“If you ever need anything, I’ll still be here for you.”
How can he be so nice? I've fucked up his life and he's still offering to be my friend?
“Thank you,” I whisper.
I sleep in his arms one last time. When I wake up, he's already gone. I find a note, a picture of us eating chocolate-covered bacon, and a BLT sandwich from The Corner Café lying on my bags. I smile through my tears. God, what have I done? Am I making the right choice? Is my life really meant to be with Liam?
I can’t leave Liam; he has lost so many people already.
***
I pack everything up and say goodbye to my neighbors and Brody. Brody wishes me luck and says he will keep an eye on Evan. I give him my ring to give back to Evan.
“I think maybe you should give this back to him yourself.”
“Brody, I can’t. It’s tearing me apart to walk away from him. I love him more than he will ever know. Please give this to him for me.”
He says okay and hugs me goodbye.
“Lila, wait!” Heather shouts. Heather lives down the street; she must have seen me leaving.
“Oh, Heather!” I hug her. “Am I making the right choice? I love Evan with everything that I have, but I love Liam more, if that's possible.”
“Lila, sweetie, I know it hurts, but you are meant to be with Liam. He came back for his woman. He never gave up on you. I don’t know him like I do Evan, but the way you talk about him, he has to be a hero.”
“Thanks Heather, you said all the right things. I’m going to miss our wine and dancing nights.”
“I’ll miss your silly ass, Li. Take care of yourself and don’t be a stranger, you hear me?”
On the plane, I decide to read Evan’s letter.
My Sweet Lila,
I couldn’t tell you goodbye in person. It was killing me to walk away from you. I wish you and Liam the best. Please finish school. I know you won’t need to work, but you will make one hell of a criminal lawyer. I hope you find the scumbag that killed Addison. Thank you for everything; I would’ve never made it through my mother’s death if I hadn’t had you. I had one hell of a ride with you. You are the bravest, sexiest, craziest woman I know. Those are all compliments. Please apologize to Eric and Liam for my behavior, and I’m sorry I called you a whore. You aren’t; you’re just following your heart. I was hoping that things would work out differently. If you need anything, call me. And if Liam breaks your heart, I’ll be here to pick it up again. Please don’t forget the times we spent together. I love you with everything that I am.
Yours Only,
E.L.M
P.S. I hope you enjoyed the BLT from the café.
Chapter Twenty-Three
My mother is waiting for me at the airport.
“Lila, what are you going to do about all this?” she asks.
“I really don’t know. I love them both, but in my heart, I know its Liam.”
“I know, my sweet girl, I know. Your father has been working on the case, looking for Addison’s killer.”
“I hope they find him. I miss her so much.”
“Oh, you know your father; he won’t stop till they do.”
“I know he won’t, but I worry about him out there on those streets.”
“I do too, sweetie. That’s what he loves, though. That has always been his life. You know him and your uncle Kes have to compete and see who can capture the most criminals.”
“I’m going to look for a job as a paralegal for now. I know I can stay in the guesthouse, but I think I’ll move in the beach house for now, with Liam. Is that okay?”
“That’s fine. Eric isn’t going back to Boston yet. You guys can help get Liam back to himself again.”
“Mom, am I making the right decisions?”
“You will have to do what you feel is best for you, not best for those men.”
***
“Liam, we need to talk,” I say.
“Okay I’m listening,” he replies.
“I never meant for any of this to happen.”
“So, what if I hadn’t been found? Were you just going to marry that bastard?”
“I don’t know. You were gone. You left me.”
“I left you, Lila? I was lying in a hospital bed in the middle of fucking nowhere with no one knowing who I was while you were playing house and fucking that hulk-looking mother fucker!”
“That’s not fair! You know I love you
more than anything.”
“Oh, you love me so much you quit looking for me and started fucking every guy on campus.”
“That’s enough, Liam! It was only Evan and he was my friend. He was there for me when I thought you weren’t coming back. He knew I loved you. I couldn’t help that I fell in love with him. I would have never pursued a relationship with him knowing you were okay and would be back.
“Not a day went by that I didn’t look for you. I thought about you every day. Every day that I woke up, I wanted your arms around me. I wanted to know that you were still breathing and that you were coming back to me.”
“I’m sorry, I’m just so upset.”
“I know you are.”
As he gets up to stand, he falls down. “I can’t take this shit. I can’t even walk sometimes.”
“Liam, stop. You're just upset.”
“Stop treating me like I can’t do anything for myself.”
“Okay, I was just trying to help you.”
“I don’t need help. I’m a man, not a child, and I can take care of myself.”
“I know you can.”
I help him to the couch and sit on his lap. We cry in each other's arms. He walks really well, but he's been so upset and tired lately that it's making him struggle.
“You're my world. I love you so much it hurts to breathe when we’re apart. I’ll never love anyone the way I love you. I would die for you, Lila Rae.”
“I know you do and I would too.”
“Choose me please! I’m not going to beg you, but I want you to choose me. You were always mine. He should have never had you.”
“Don’t you think, by me being here, that I’ve already made my decision and have chosen you. I've waited for you to come back to me for two years. You aren’t getting rid of me that easily.”
Crying tears of happiness, he picks me up and carries me to the bed. He makes me his all over again.
***
While I’m making breakfast, my phone starts beeping. I pray it isn’t Evan. Fortunately, it’s my mom.