Her smiled turned sad. “About the same.”
“Thanks.” With his hand on her elbow, Grant steered Hannah down a long hall covered in flat-napped gray carpet. A tiny woman hunched over a walker shuffled toward them.
“Good morning, Mrs. Henry,” Grant said.
“Morning, handsome.” She flashed him a perfect set of dentures. “Did you come to break me out of this place?”
“Name the day.” He grinned back at her.
Hannah laughed, the humor easing her nerves. They turned left into the acute-care wing. If the Colonel had been ambulatory, his dementia would have put him in the secure Alzheimer’s ward. But his physical limitations ensured he couldn’t wander.
Twenty feet from his open doorway, she stopped and took a deep breath. “Any advice?”
“First of all, relax. It’ll be all right.” Grant reached out and rubbed her bicep.
“The last time I was here, the visit didn’t go well. He got really angry.” Shame flooded her. She hadn’t known what to do when the Colonel’s temper had exploded.
“I know,” he said. “I don’t want you to be shocked at his appearance. He’s fading. Honestly, I think it’s a blessing. A man like him shouldn’t have to live like this. If he wasn’t the toughest, most stubborn man on the planet, he wouldn’t still be here.”
Hannah swallowed. The hallway smelled like death. Most of the residents of this wing were here to die, the Colonel included. No amount of disinfectant or air freshener could sugarcoat that hard fact. “How often do you see him?”
“I try to get here at least twice a week.”
“I didn’t come in September. I should have, but . . .”
“It’s OK.” Grant shrugged. “He doesn’t know. His short-term memory is nonexistent. He doesn’t remember me. He has no idea I was here last Thursday. Every time I visit, he thinks I’m someone else.”
“How do you deal with that?” Staring at the Colonel’s open doorway, horror and fear curled inside her, waiting to unfurl. The hospital bed, the IV, the air of hopelessness, all brought back the memory of sitting at her mother’s side with the sole goal of minimizing her pain while she died over the course of several months.
“Coming here is for his benefit, not mine. My only goal is to give him a pleasant hour or two in the middle of what have become endless days of mental and physical misery. I let go of expecting him to know me. He doesn’t remember anything that happened over the last twenty-five years, but sometimes he surprises me with clear recollections of our childhood or his. When I bring the kids to see him, he thinks Carson is one of us boys and Faith is you.”
“You bring the kids here?” Sure, now a six-year-old could handle what Hannah couldn’t bear.
“Only if Ellie can come with me. So if the Colonel’s in a bad way, she can take the kids home. But he seems to have his best days when they’re here. Their presence perks him up. He doesn’t know specifically who they are, but he always senses they’re family.”
“So what should I do?”
“Play it by ear,” Grant said. “The hardest thing for me is remembering not to call him Dad. It confuses him, and he gets upset when he knows he should be remembering something and the information isn’t there. I always address him as Colonel or sir. That appears to take the pressure off. Then I just go with the flow.”
“You make it sound easy.”
“We both know it isn’t.” Grant gestured toward the door. “Let’s see how he is today.”
Hannah’s insides trembled as she stepped toward her father’s room. Grant put his hand on her elbow, and she tried to absorb some of his confidence.
The Colonel was asleep. Hannah couldn’t suck back the quick and quiet gasp as she registered his deterioration. His face was gaunt, his hands skeletal. His skin had tightened, as smooth as plastic, over his bones. Under the white linens, his body had shrunken. She had few memories of the Colonel before the explosion, bits of images and impressions that littered her mind like confetti. But even confined to a wheelchair, he’d been a formidable presence. Now his body was barely a shell.
A clip from her childhood played in her mind. The Colonel zooming through the forest on his specially rigged ATV. He’d been paralyzed in Desert Storm, but back then, he’d been determined to stay active. His descent into madness over the past few years had been the ultimate kick in the face for a man who’d confronted trial after trial with a warrior’s courage. It was as if Fate just wasn’t happy until she’d broken him.
Anger and hurt welled up in Hannah’s chest at the overwhelming unfairness.
Grant squeezed her arm. She ripped her eyes off her father’s shrunken figure and stared at her brother. Grant had inherited the Colonel’s size and natural leadership. The stubborn gene had been passed to all the Barretts. But their father was a soldier through and through. He’d shown his love for his children by pushing them as hard as new recruits. There was enough of Mom in Grant to soften his hard edges. He bonded with Carson and Faith in a way that had been impossible for the Colonel. Grant would never leave Faith behind, and he’d never exclude her, even unintentionally, and he wouldn’t put those two kids through drills that could break twenty-year-old men.
Grant walked to the bedside and inspected the bags hanging off an IV stand.
Hannah shuffled to her father’s side. Within a few seconds, lack of movement allowed anxiety to build in her bloodstream like a toxin.
“Colonel?” Grant touched Dad’s hand.
The Colonel opened his eyes, confusion and suffering clouding the once-sharp blue of his irises. “Gary?”
Hannah bit back a tear. The Colonel’s younger brother had been dead for fifteen years.
Grant didn’t miss a beat. “I brought you a visitor.”
The Colonel’s head moved on the pillow. His eyes blinked on Hannah. Recognition, then affection dimmed his pain, and relief flooded Hannah. He knew her.
All his joy came forth in one word. “Hope.”
The sound of her mother’s name from his lips nearly took out Hannah’s knees.
“Don’t just stand there, Gary,” the Colonel barked in a raspy, weak voice. “Get Hope a chair.” He coughed, the effort of issuing orders clearly taxing his lungs.
Grant rounded the bed and set a visitor chair behind Hannah. His hand on her shoulder steadied her legs.
This visit is for the Colonel, not for me.
She willed her disappointment away. It slunk to the wings and sulked, waiting. She knew it would be back.
Her father turned his hand over. His fingers curled in a Come here gesture. Hannah closed her hand over his, leaned over, and kissed his cheek. The strength of his grip around her fingers surprised her. She eased onto the plastic seat.
“Beat it, Gary,” the Colonel said with a slight jerk of his head. “I want to be alone with my girl.”
Wiping tears from her cheeks, Hannah laughed. Even impending death couldn’t break the Colonel’s fighting spirit.
With a sad smile, Grant bowed out, but Hannah knew he’d be lingering in the hallway, within earshot, in case she needed him.
“I’ll walk again. I promise,” the Colonel said.
He thought it was 1991, and he was just returning from Iraq. How often did he have to relive that awful time?
He squeezed her hand. “Don’t cry. Everything’s going to be all right.”
And, oddly, it was. Hannah wiped her cheeks. He was too weak for much conversation, but he seemed to be content to sit in silence and hold her hand. When he fell asleep, his face was relaxed and peaceful. She waited until his breathing leveled out before slipping from the room.
“He thought it was just after the explosion.” Hannah stopped at the nurses’ station to pluck a tissue from the box on the counter.
“That happens. Are you all right?” Grant wrapped an arm around her shoulders and steered he
r down the hallway toward the exit.
“The best visit I’ve had with him in years, and he thought I was someone else.”
“He can’t help it. I know you’re hurting, Hannah. But he had a really good hour, and you gave it to him.”
“I know,” she sighed. Outside of her hometown, she fared better, but here in Scarlet Falls, painful memories overwhelmed her. She was instantly reduced to a nine-year-old girl left behind while her father took her brothers on an outing in the woods. He usually let her go if she asked, but he’d never been happy about it. And the fact that she always had to justify her inclusion spoke volumes of their relationship.
Her therapist had not been surprised she had trouble forming attachments.
Grant pushed the door open, and they walked out into the daylight. The breeze swept cool over her face, but the sun rallied for warmth on her skin. Her brother started toward the truck. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really,” Hannah said.
“I’m here for you when you’re ready.”
“When did you get so touchy-feely?” She regretted the snipe as soon as it left her lips. “I’m sorry. That was bitchy.”
“I won’t let you push me away, Hannah.” He stopped in the middle of the parking lot. “Mom’s death was devastating. For me, it was a hell of a lot easier to fly in for two weeks a year and let Lee handle the family. We drifted apart over the years, but Lee’s death taught me that was a mistake. We all let him down. I won’t let that happen again. We need each other. ”
Hannah thought the opposite. To her, Lee’s death reinforced how much it hurt to lose someone she loved.
“After Mom died, I didn’t want to be here either, but now, raising Faith and Carson, being with Ellie . . .” Grant paused, as if the intensity of his feelings for his new family was too much to explain. “In a way, it was easier to sever all those connections and let my career take over. Getting shot at overseas was less scary than taking on the responsibility for Lee’s kids. But I didn’t know what I was missing.”
“Are you this determined to rein Mac back into the fold?” she asked in an attempt to divert the conversation to their youngest brother, who was the wildest of them all.
“Don’t worry. Mac is next on my list. After you.” Grant had their father’s piercing blue eyes, and the sharpness of his gaze pinned her in place. Hannah looked away, her lungs tightening until little dots appeared in her vision.
Her new phone rang. Royce.
“Hold on. It’s work.” She stepped away from a frowning Grant and answered the call as if she were in the middle of the ocean and Royce was tossing her a life ring. “Hello.”
“How are you?” Royce asked.
“Better,” Hannah lied. After the visit with her father, she felt empty, every drop of emotion wrung out of her body. This is why she stayed out of Scarlet Falls. Visits home drained her.
“I’m glad to hear it.” He sounded doubtful.
“Did you get my e-mail?” She could hear the sounds of traffic over the line.
“I did.”
“Well?”
“I’m not sending you anything,” Royce said.
“What?”
“You are supposed to be recuperating, not working.”
“I can do both.”
“Not this time.” Royce’s voice softened. “I’ll never forget how pale you were when I saw you in that parking lot. I thought you were dead, Hannah.” He paused. “I told you in Vegas. Your job will be here when you’re fully recovered, but I won’t allow your ambition to get in the way of your recovery.”
“But—”
“No buts.” Impatience sharpened Royce’s tone. “I care too much about you to let anything happen to you.” His voice deepened. “But I will say that I miss your company.”
Hannah had no words. When she went back to work, she and Royce were going to have a long conversation. She liked him in a professional, friendly way. That was it. She wouldn’t allow him to destroy her reputation.
“Feel better, Hannah. Maybe if you rest, you’ll be well enough to join me in Madrid.” Royce hung up, leaving her listening to an empty line.
She walked back to the car. Grant was in the driver’s seat. She climbed in, and he started the engine.
“Everything OK?” He backed out of the parking space and shifted into drive.
“Yes.” The lie came out of her mouth automatically.
Instead of driving off, he studied Hannah’s face. The car trembled, waiting for the brake to be released. Grant’s face tightened. “You don’t have to pretend with me.”
“Then no.” Hannah rubbed the ache in her temple. “I don’t know.”
“If there’s one thing I understand, it’s total confusion.” Grant nodded as if her change of answer pleased him. He moved his foot, and the truck eased forward. “You’re going to get through this. Everything’s going to be all right.”
“That’s exactly what Dad said.”
“Lee used to say it, too.”
“I don’t know how they could both be such perpetual optimists,” Hannah said. “Dad was paralyzed, and he just plowed ahead, pretending everything would turn out fine, and we both know Lee had his share of problems.”
“He made the best of a bad situation.” Grant pulled out of the parking lot. “When you’re going into combat, you plan extensively for worst-case scenarios, but you can’t focus on them. To do the job, you have to believe you’re going home in one piece.” Grant released his grip on the steering wheel and shook his hand as if he’d been clenching it tight enough to stiffen his knuckles. Maybe he wasn’t as recovered as he seemed.
Hannah turned to his profile. “You don’t have to pretend with me either. How are you, really?”
“I’m all right. The VA hooked me up with a PTSD support group. But I miss Lee, and I worry about the kids.” A smile loosened his face. “Having Ellie helps. I’m going to ask her to marry me at Christmas.”
“That’s great.” Hannah patted his shoulder. She approved of Ellie one hundred percent. She was loyal, kind, and totally in love with Grant. How many women would be willing to take on a man with PTSD, a willful infant, and a traumatized little boy? “I’m so happy for you. How is living with her daughter and grandmother?”
“Chaotic but good.” Grant stopped at an intersection and turned right. “We’re getting into a rhythm. Everybody pitches in.”
“You all seem happy and busy.”
“The kids don’t leave me much time for reflection. Faith won’t remember any of this, but I worry about Carson. His parents were murdered. Something like that is bound to leave a scar.”
“You’re doing great with him.”
“He’d like it if you visited more.”
“I’ll try,” Hannah said.
“Where are you going next?”
“London.” She hoped. Sort of.
“Don’t be a stranger, Hannah,” Grant said. “I never understood how important family is to my sanity. Dad had Mom. That’s how he got through his days after the injury. After she was gone, he just couldn’t hold it together anymore. She was his lifeline. Today, you gave him his memory of the happiness he had with her, even if it was just for a little while. That’s priceless.”
Hannah nodded. It hadn’t been priceless. It had cost her. But Grant was right. She needed to put her own expectations and needs aside.
“You’ll visit him while I’m away?”
“Yes.” How would she get through that by herself?
“I know you spent most of your life trying to please him, but that’s in the past. You can’t hold on to it. Let it go. You’ll feel better.”
“He wasn’t interested in having a daughter.” There. She’d said it. It sounded pathetic and selfish coming out of her mouth. The man was paralyzed and dying, and she couldn’t let go of her childho
od daddy issues. Sad. Just sad.
“He didn’t mean to slight you. He just didn’t know what to do with a girl. He grew up with four brothers and went to military boarding school. He honestly thought you’d be happier doing girl stuff with Mom. He was always so surprised when you wanted to go camping or hunting with us.”
“If I didn’t do all the wilderness excursions, I wouldn’t have spent any time with him at all.” Even with tagging along, she’d always felt like an afterthought. And on that note, time to change the subject. “What time is your flight tomorrow?”
Grant’s glance told her he wasn’t finished with the conversation, but he’d let her off for now. “Disgustingly early.”
“Need any help getting the kids packed?”
“No. We’re about done. Carson is so excited, I doubt he’ll sleep at all, and Faith is up half the night anyway.” Grant steered the truck through a bend. “If you need anything, Brody will be around. He might stop in.”
“Why?”
Her brother lifted a big shoulder in a faux shrug. He wasn’t fooling her.
“I don’t need a babysitter.”
“Didn’t say you did.”
“Are you trying to fix me up with the cop?”
“Of course not.” He gave her a quizzical look. “Where did that idea come from?”
Where did that idea come from?
“Because you can keep your bromance with Brody to yourself.” Hannah lowered the window an inch and welcomed a stream of country air into the cab. “How did you end up so tight with him?”
“We’re not tight.” Grant laughed. “But he’s ex-military, too. Takes one to know one, I guess.”
“Brody was in the military?” She wouldn’t have guessed. While Grant was all barely contained aggression, Brody always seemed to be completely in control. Usually, his Mr. Cool act annoyed her. During Lee’s murder investigation, Hannah had barely held on to her emotions, but the cop’s never faltered.
“He did four years in the navy to pay for college, then worked with the Boston PD before moving here.”
“Why would anyone come to Scarlet Falls?”
Minutes to Kill (Scarlet Falls) Page 7