As Natasha remembered all the times her sister, Paulina had said yes to obesity and claimed that a force beyond her control had forced her to binge, and all the times she had eaten, even though she had threatened to commit suicide; Natasha began to doubt the nature of self-control. So when she had a bad day, she would eat a chocolate bar, she would eat an extra cookie, or eat ice cream, feeling guiltless and victimized by food. Usually her days were not so bad; they were filled with studying, thoughts of men and the optimism of youth and the dreams of a happy life. As the years passed, and she spent a lot of years in college, lost her professor, and felt the hatred of her father, she too began to gain weight.
As she lived in her new home, in the Twin Towers, in Sunset Florida, Natasha stopped feeling happy and only started feeling happy when she ate chocolate, and so she gained twenty five pounds, before she started desperately, to try to lose it. Her father had started to not want to spend time with her, her crush had not wanted her, and she realized she had spent most of her life in the summer tropics, a place she secretly hated. As the memory of her step mother, her father, and all the other problems beat down on her, she gained weight despite the fact that the most beautiful man she had ever seen lived two doors down from her.
Gabriel Strife and Natasha, had first met, in the elevator after the first week that she had moved in. He represented one of the most beautiful men she had ever seen. She immediately felt butterflies in her stomach. Despite his flawless features, and his manly grace, Natasha had loved her professor because she believed they were destined to be together because of the dreams she had concerning him. As Natasha gained weight in the shadow of her loss, she constantly recognized the incredible feelings she felt for Gabriel Strife but felt too imperfect for him, and therefore never told him. Even though, she had initially looked attractive, her mother had always taught her to let men make the initial step towards a relationship, and therefore felt shy to do anything about her feelings towards Gabriel. Even though she sometimes denied loving him, she began to love him for all the little things she noticed about him. She noticed how he had a dog, or how he cared about his health, or how he had the most perfect face she had ever seen.
She tried to live her life by trying to pretend that Gabriel did not exist because she felt too much pain when she thought she would not have him. So instead, she tried to focus on her studying and dream about the day she would leave Miami.
One day, as Natasha, stood outside Starbucks, she noticed a yellow dog outside the coffee shop running around in the parking lot. She had always been taught to care about animals. When she had been a child, her mother would always help stray dogs, and even little turtles. She had been taught that the worst cruelty in the world came from hurting something as innocent as an animal.
She would always remember her mother telling her “as a child the best friend a person could have is an animal. Kids are naughty, they tease each other, they hit each other, but an animal usually always loves you.” Then her mother would go on and say “I would choose an animal over a man any day. The Catholic church says you should love man more, but I say a righteous god would always say love an animal more.”
As Natasha asked “why mom?”
Her mother would reply “because there is no such thing as a bad animal, only good animals. Animals, even if they bite, do not know what they are doing, while humans always know. An animal has no choice because of its lacking education and intellect, and therefore, will always remain innocent. Men have wars with their free choice, but animals love and do whatever it takes to survive, despite their limited intellect.”
As children, Paulina and Natasha, would feed a little baby turtle, or rescue an injured bird because they had been taught to do so. They had always cherished the stories of St. Francis of Assisi, who god had protected from wild animals and persecution because he had always loved animals with a pure heart. As a result of all the times Magdalena and her two children rescued animals, Natasha knew that in life she would always do the same, and therefore, tried to help the yellow dog as much as she could.
So she walked up to the dog, and the dog, instead of running, decided to walk up to Natasha, and with its big tail wagging smiled the only way a dog can. As Natasha looked down at the dog, the dog’s love seemed to melt every cell of her heart, and Natasha felt happy to be alive once again. So she decided to talk to the people in the various stores asking them if they knew who the dog belonged to.
One of the women who worked at a fruit shake store, gave Natasha a leash from her car, and said “the dog is homeless, but hopefully you will help him.”
Then Natasha asked “you have seen him around here before?”
Then the woman replied “yes, he sometimes hangs out with a homeless guy.”
Natasha wished she could help the homeless guy, and then went out to the parking lot and fastened the leash around the dog’s neck, and then tied the other end to a pole sticking out of the ground. She decided to call animal control and in the meantime buy the dog a sandwich from Starbucks. As she stood in line for the sandwich, she looked at the dog sitting in the grass, smiling. As she looked at his face she saw all the dogs she had possessed throughout her childhood, in the image before her. She saw Suzi, a German shepherd who had slept at her bedside during high school, and Sza sza, a big white dog who had played with her in the snow, when she had been five. As all the memories washed over her, she realized she loved his face more than anything, and therefore, decided to keep him. So before animal control arrived, she called them to cancel them, and then put her new dog in her blue SUV.
When Natasha had placed the dog in to the SUV, she had intended for the dog to sit in the open back area of the SUV. When she had chosen the car she had anticipated one day having a dog, and driving around with him in the back open trunk area. After she placed the dog in the back, he climbed over all the seats and decided to sit in the front next to her. He sat with his big legs open watching the world through the windshield. The moment he sat in the front, he urinated on the seat; most likely from nerves and excitement. He then ate the sandwich she had bought for him, and smiled. Then she drove home with trepidation over the large animal sitting so close to her while she drove. After several minutes she arrived at the condominium where she lived and walked her dog in to its new home. Although she had wanted a dog, she felt scared of the responsibility, and therefore decided to wait a few days before she took him to the vet. She decided to call the dog Goldie, because of his golden color. After a few day of knowing Goldie, Natasha decided to hold on to his sweetness as long as she could, and therefore took him to the vet. She liked her vet, for he was tall, attractive and had a beautiful face coupled with a beautiful heart. She felt happy that her new pet would bring her the good fortune of seeing a beautiful man, every time the dog needed medical attention, and therefore she decided to make Dr. Pegelow her permanent vet. He told her that Goldie was only a year old, and a mix between a German shepherd and a yellow lab.
She eventually got Goldie neutered, and did not need to toilette train him because he had been taught by his previous owners to always go to the bathroom outside. She eagerly watched Dr. Pegelow inspect Goldie and find no detection chip on him.
As the time passed, Natasha only grew to love her dog more. She would associate his coloring with autumnal hues, and celebrated his birthday in October, the month she had found him in. She came to believe that he symbolized autumn with his golden ghostly eyes, and his wolf like appearance. She decided to love him more for it. As time passed, she realized the dog wanted to protect her. He would growl at some dark shapes if she walked him at night, and the dog would bark at other dogs out of jealousy. At times she would feel embarrassed by him, but she always felt that the dog loved her, and therefore filled a void in her life that she had previously felt empty. She would take him to the park for exercise, and there Goldie enjoyed the pond and swam regularly. Later, Natasha found out that yellow labs, like to swim, and therefore appreciated its presence in her dog.
She would always say “my dog is like a triathlete. He swims, walks, and runs.”
She would feel proud of her dog’s athleticism and enjoy the sight of him swimming, even though he would make a mess in her car afterwards. The seats would become covered in muddy paw prints, but despite that, Goldie’s smile filled the world with beauty, for Natasha.
In the park, Goldie would often bark at other dogs when he walked on the leash. Then, when Natasha would release him, Goldie would become so filled with happiness that he would stop barking and start running. In a few minutes, he would be on the other side of the park and then back again at Natasha’s side. At times, other dogs would attack him and want to play roughly. Goldie would only bite them if he had to. Other times he would run away. At times Natasha would realize Goldie just wanted to run around and play with other dogs, and so she would sit down on the bench and read, or just watch the dogs play. As she did, some other dogs would often come up to her, and want to spend time with her, licking her, or trying to drink from her water bottle. Whenever such a dog would dare approach her, Goldie would notice, and then in a second, arrive growling, to make sure to claim the territory of his owner. He did not tolerate the bonding of Natasha with other dogs, and therefore barked, growled, and made a total fool of himself out of love for her. As a result, Natasha learned the meaning of love from her dog, because he embodied it, heart, body, and soul and therefore helped her overcome her dependence on food as an emotional stabilizer, and the pain caused by her father’s coldness.
As the time passed, and Fredrick would spend time with Juliet, he grew to hate the guilt and sense of obligation that Natasha represented, and started to feel like even talking to his daughter was an obligation instead of a pleasure. So he would often say rude things to her, even if he had not intended to. For example, he would coldly respond to any inquiries about Juliet by saying “I do not want to talk about her.” Then Natasha would reply “Why not, I am not the one who did something wrong. She is the one who should be treated so coldly because she is the one who hurt me.” Then her father would not respond and make Natasha feel rejected, ostracized, and hurt. If Natasha had an argument with someone, then Fredrick would take their side. If Natasha, said something, then Fredrick often contradicted her. For example, one of Fredrick’s friends, did not invite Natasha, when they had invited Fredrick and had become friends with Natasha too. Fredrick did not support Natasha’s anger but rather claimed that it did not matter. On another occasion one of the family’s friends had insulted Natasha’s dead grandparents and Fredrick sided with them. After a while, Natasha and Fredrick constantly got in to arguments. Often, if Natasha said something, then Fredrick claimed the opposite, and would get angry. On other occasions, if she said something, he would often claim that she was not in the right to talk without visiting a psychiatrist. He felt that after her suicide attempt she should have continued visiting a psychiatrist, and therefore constantly vented about it. Natasha felt that he was violating her adult rights, and therefore rejected his advice. She did not like the way that psychiatrists pried in to her life and made her feel sick all the time. Eventually Natasha and Fredrick hardly ever saw each other and never did anything together. Fredrick sold the house, in which he had lived in, and moved in to another house, with Juliet and Luis. Once he had moved in to his new house he never invited Natasha, and treated her like an outcast of the family.
Chapter 26
Celia Rose, rarely slept with Maria, and decided that her true dream would be to sexually possess the masked man from the pornography shoots. So as she drove her little purple car, to the Dungeon, she thought about the masked man and felt excited with anticipation. She envisioned his muscles, his groin and his wide chest. She again imagined a beautiful man who had a face that moved her beyond words.
Despite her love for the masked man, Celia, subconsciously felt all the pain of her sex violated. She had stood nude in front of the world, had her sexuality exposed, and had gained financial security but lost dignity. Even when she loved her body and felt proud in her naked state, she constantly felt humiliated by the persecution of her type of people by society. She often remembered Mary Magdalene from the bible and how she had been almost stoned to death for the mere crime of fornicating with married men and out of wed lock. She thought about human nature and how lucky Mary Magdalene had been to have had a man like Jesus save her and perform miracles; enough miracles to melt the heart of the wicked and make them doubt their evil ways. So she thanked God secretly for believing she deserved to live while she felt the whole world secretly hated her. Even though most of the world had adopted Christ as a prophet, teacher, or a god, she felt that the story of Mary Magdalene, showed a hatred that truly existed in the hearts of people and therefore felt very uncomfortable at times over her profession. She would remember times when women often showed a hatred for sex. Such as the time her teacher sent her home from school for showing too much cleavage, for wearing a short skirt, or for wearing her pants too tight. She remembered some girls mocking her for dressing like what they called “like a slut.” She remembered getting in to arguments with them, name calling them, and eventually getting detention for arguing too much. She remembered on television, watching prostitutes get arrested for doing something as small as selling their sex. Was is not their sex to sell, Celia wondered. “Was it not their sacred right to enjoy sex and then receive money,” she asked herself. Then she recalled on a television show a woman hating another woman for wearing something too tight. Although Celia perceived the jealousy and hatred towards prostitutes as outrageous, she could not help but possess a sense of fear, and a sense of shame. Her shame eventually turned to pride as she thought about the nature of jealousy and the hatred it seemed to possess. She felt that all hatred, whether it be moral hatred, or hatred of ugly people would and could lead to violence and cruelty, and therefore, felt proud for not being the monster who would stone a whore.
Celia would remember her mother telling her, that sex is sacred; that she should only have sex when it celebrated true love, and therefore felt ashamed, because she realized she had violated the sacredness of sex. Despite society’s views on the professions that devalued sex; such as pornography and prostitution, she felt she had been performing a service by encouraging potential rapists to indulge in the sex industry instead of in the vagina of an innocent bystander. She felt that despite the hate of the universe she had a purpose, and that her plight had befallen her because of the evil of mankind. She felt that society had hurt her through minimum wage and had taken away her right to a life, worth living. So even though she wished she could do something else, something that would make her proud, she felt overwhelmed with a sense of guilt free shame, because she had been victimized by a system, in which she had merely decided to fight back. Fight back against the shame of poverty, the propelling fear of homelessness, and a sense of insecurity from a lack of medical insurance and a lack of abundance of jobs. So as she contemplated the sale of her sex, she felt relief from knowing that she had no choice.
Although Celia loved her nude body and felt guiltless in the shadow of society’s evil, she maintained a small amount of self-hate, because in the shadow of all her excuses lay the fact that she still had free choice, and therefore, had made the decision to be a pornography star; something she had been taught to despise.
After driving for several minutes, Celia arrived at the Dungeon and as usual walked to the little office of Ralph, on the first floor. There, he told her to go to room 308. Then Celia asked if the masked man would be at the pornography shoot, and what the shoot would be about. Ralph responded that the shoot would be about maids, and that there would be more than one shoot. He then continued to say that Eric, the masked man would not be at the first photo shoot, but that he would most likely be at the second shoot.
Celia, with great anticipation, asked “what is the second shoot about?”
Then her boss responded, smiling “you will see. Don’t you just love surprises?”
Celia then walked to room 308 and saw Clint with several other women there. Clint then told her to get undressed, and put on a maid uniform that he had laid out for her. Celia, got undressed and put on the maid uniform, that she saw the four other women wearing around her. The uniform was black with a small white apron sewn on to it. It was short and tight, with the neckline plummeting below the breasts, and the back part of the skirt cut away to expose the rear. Then the camera man told Celia to put white fishnet stockings on that extended only to her upper thigh. She was then told to put on white ballet flats, and carry a duster. They all had their hair tied back in buns and so Celia did the same with hers. Then Clint ordered the various women all dressed the same, to start cleaning the room containing various furniture pieces and rugs. The room consisted of two couches, three drawers, a desk, a piano, and four lamps. The women went around dusting, while Clint shot various photos of them. He shot of their rears exposed and bent over, he shot their breasts wobbling ever so slightly as they worked, he shot their dainty hands, dust various things. As the women continued to dust, Clint shot Celia’s rounded curves illuminated by the light of the lamp she was dusting. As her skin seemed to melt in with the light he snapped shots, and then of her face, and her as a whole. Then men in suits entered and sat on the couches. Clint then ordered the women to serve them drinks on trays that had been placed by the entrance. So the women served the drinks as the camera man shot photos. The men drank their Champaign colored drinks and one of them cupped one of the breasts as it passed his face. Clint snapped a shot. Then Clint told one of them to place his hand on the rear of one of the women, and cup one of her butt cheeks. As the gentleman obeyed, Clint snapped a shot. Then Clint told one of the men to kiss a brunette in the corner. As he did, Clint shot another picture. Then Clint told one of the men to sit by the piano and then ordered a blonde maid to stand behind him, and then shot another picture.
Gabriel Page 13