“Not right now,” she says and unlocks the door.
Something overtakes me and I get up and grab her by the arm and try to pull her over to the bed. “Talk to me, January. Please.”
Instead, she shoves me, her hands connecting with my chest just above my breasts.
Without thinking, I punch her, connecting a right hook with her left eye.
“What’s the matter with you?” she screams.
“I don’t know,” I say. I really don’t. What is the matter with me? What the fuck did I just do? [I’m such an idiot lately. Maybe everyone would be better off if I’d died in J’s lair that day? Yeah, they probably would.]
She starts crying and I whimper, too.
“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I sound like a scratched up record.
The bathroom door bursts open and Lia and Shar come out, wrapping bath towels around themselves. “What’s going on out here?” Lia asks.
“She punched me,” January says. “In the eye.”
“Emma, what the fuck?” Lia yells.
I can’t say anything. I have no excuse. The irony here is that I had the same reaction that time this guy Jon went down on me and he started to stick his fingers in me.
I sit down on the bed and try to force myself to stop crying. I don’t deserve to shed tears over this, but I can’t stop them. I acted like a complete jerk. I don’t know why. I guess I just want her so bad that I lost control? Merde, that sounds like something a guy would say. Something a rapist would say. [Fuck my stupid life.] Maybe it is the black magick in me? Could be it’s having a stronger effect on me now because I’m not wearing my pentacle necklace. Maybe Ruth’s message was to warn me about this? Or to not act stupid. [Now I doubt January will even want to be friends with me, never mind more. I fucking suck!]
“I think you should wear my pentacle necklace tonight,” Shar says to me.
“Why? Were you just reading my thoughts?” Now I feel defensive.
“No, of course not.”
[I don’t need her necklace.] Just some self-control. “No, it’s OK. I just need to be mindful of myself, not act like a jerk. Seriously, I’m fine. I just made a stupid mistake and, obviously, I feel terrible about it. It has nothing to do with me not having my necklace on.” My salty tears start to burn my eyes as they continue rolling down my cheeks. Great.
”I really think you should take it. Or take mine,” Lia says.
“Maybe I’m over-tired, too,” I mutter. “I was up most of the night stressing about all the ways the memorial could go wrong.”
“Please take the necklace?” January asks, still crying a little. The poor thing, her left eye is getting black and blue already. I can’t believe I hit her. And that I did it that hard. Merde, merde, merde. [But I don’t need a necklace controlling me. No, I just lost control for two seconds in the heat of the moment.]
“I’m sorry,” I say to January. “Want me to give myself a black eye?”
“I just want you to wear the necklace.”
“Fine, I’ll wear the necklace.”
“Whose do you want?” Lia and Shar ask me at once.
“Doesn’t matter,” I say.
They both remove their necklaces and say, “take mine,” ensemble.
I don’t know whose to take. I don’t want to leave either of them vulnerable. But they can probably control themselves better than I can right now if my belting January is any indication.
“I offered first,” Shar says as I’m contemplating.
“In that case,” I say. “I’ll wear yours.” I take Shar’s necklace and put it on. Not that it makes me feel any different, but if it keeps me from socking January again then it’s worth it.
“Thanks,” January says and smiles at me. “Also, did you mean I’m getting a black eye a minute ago?”
“Yeah, you’re getting a shiner,” I admit. “I’m wicked sorry. And I’m serious – I’ll give myself one if it’ll help you even a little.” I totally mean that. I’d give myself two shiners if it would make her feel even slightly better.
“No, you just keep that necklace on.”
Lia looks at January. “If she knows what’s good for her, she will.” For once, Lia is only being half-sarcastic. Then she turns to me. “Seriously, Emma, you need to get your shit together. Maybe the necklace isn’t enough. Maybe you should stay here and take a nap and just let us go to the memorial without you.”
“No way. I need to be there for Kat. Don’t try to take that away from me. You know how consumed with guilt I am.”
“It’s not your fault she’s dead,” January says. “It’s mine.”
“No, it’s not,” I say.
“She’s right,” Lia says.
I can’t believe January’s blaming herself. Seems like everyone is blaming themselves. Maybe it’s some kind of survivor’s guilt after everything that happened at J’s lair? In any case, I don’t want January beating herself up. She’s too precious.
January shakes her head no.
“Seriously, January. It’s my fault. Nobody else’s.”
“That’s not true,” Lia and Shar say ensemble.
I nod as I speak. “Yes, it is. It’s all on me. If I’d never introduced myself and told her we were in trouble then she wouldn’t have shown up that day.”
“I see,” January mutters. I guess she’s not ready to have a full conversation with me yet. I hope she is by tonight. It’s going to suck when people ask her what happened to her eye. I should try to think of a good reason she can tell people. Although, maybe she should tell people the truth and teach me a lesson. I definitely deserve to be punished for what I did. If a guy did that to a woman, the woman would be calling the cops. I’m lucky she isn’t. [Although she did kind of punch me in the chest, instigating it.]
“Is everything going to be OK?” Shar asks.
I shrug and look at January. She shrugs, too.
“Do you think you two can talk it out?” Lia asks. “We can leave or stay – it’s up to you – but we need you to deal with this so it isn’t looming over our heads at the memorial.”
“Maybe you should leave the room,” I say. “Seeing how this never would’ve happened if you hadn’t said she liked me.”
“What?” January goes, looking at Lia and Shar with fire in her eyes. “You told me you wouldn’t say anything!”
“We didn’t,” Lia and Shar say at the same time.
I could swear they did. Didn’t they? Am I confused? I really don’t think so. “Maybe you told me telepathically?”
“We didn’t,” the two of them say together. Again.
January looks very confused.
I think they – I don’t know. I don’t know what to think. “Maybe you were thinking it too loud.” Or did I break our code and read their minds?
“You were listening to our private conversations?” Lia asks, looking like she might give me a shiner.
“We said we wouldn’t do that to each other before school started,” Shar says.
She’s right. I do remember us agreeing to that. “I don’t think I eavesdropped. I just recall finding out she liked me from the two of you. Or maybe it was one of you.”
“What does it matter?” Shar asks. “You still behaved like an asshole.”
“You’re right,” I say. And I go to say something else but Lia and Shar start shivering like they’re having a premonition or they’re about to. I’m surprised I’m not shivering, too. At least it’s not severe enough that they can’t remain standing. They just look like they’re in a trance. Still, I get up in case I need to catch one of them.
“Are they OK?” January asks, getting up, too. She gets behind Shar. I’m behind Lia.
“I think they’ll be. Just be ready to catch her if they fall.”
The shivering stops after another thirty seconds. They remain standing but dizzy so January and I put our arms around them anyway.
“Did you see anything? I ask.
“Just darkness,” Shar says.
Lia
shudders. “It felt like someone was watching us in the dark.”
Shar lets out a deep breath. “I think something bad’s coming.”
I’m about to ask more questions when all of a sudden something like a brick smashes through Lia’s window by her desk. Shards of glass go flying in every direction, one almost getting Shar in the face. Whatever it is, it landed on the floor under Lia’s desk..
“Can you stand on your own?” I ask Lia.
“Yeah.”
“We both can,” Shar says.
We all step around the bed so we can see what it is.
I’m horrified to see that it’s a dead bird. A black one. Merde, merde, merde.
“It’s a crow, right?” January asks.
I lean toward it for a closer look. I’m still not sure so I pick it up, which grosses out the girls. Getting a good look at it from a few different angles, I realize what it is. “It’s not a crow. It’s a raven.”
“Ravens are bad news, right?” Shar asks, trembling.
“Well, any bird crashing into your window is supposed to be bad luck. One actually going through the window and into the house is probably even worse. But a raven is really, really bad luck either way. Especially a dead one.” As I’m talking, I find myself petting the bird as if it was alive. It’s too bad it had to die. It was such a pretty bird. Majestic.
Without even thinking, I start praying or trying to invent a spell. Come back to life, sweet bird, strong raven, and fly again if the Lord and Lady wish it to be so as I do. Come back to life, sweet bird, strong raven, and fly again if the Lord and Lady wish it to be so. Please, Lord and Lady, let this poor bird fly again. Let it live again and our luck improve. So mote it be.
As suddenly as it came crashing into the room, the raven spreads its wings, returning to life, perching on the palm of my hand. Even though I prayed for it, it startles me a little. I guess I didn’t think it would work.
Lia, Shar and January are just looking at me in disbelief.
“It’s not dead. I just improved our luck substantially.” I smile proudly.
“You shouldn’t have done that,” January says.
“Why?” I don’t think I did anything bad.
January points to the shelf where Lia keeps her three beta fish. They’re all dead. And they were swimming around just fine when we got here. [Fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m such a stupid fucking idiot.]
“I’m so sorry,” I say to Lia. “I didn’t know –”
“– That’s right, you didn’t know shit.” She has fire in her eyes.
“But Shar brought those frogs back to life.” I’m about to say something else when Shar’s phone starts ringing and mine vibrates in my pocket for two seconds, which means I have a text.
Lia opens her other window and lifts up the screen. “Let it go already. You know you can’t keep a raven.”
She’s right. I go to the window and stick my hand outside and off the raven flies.
“What’s going on in here?” Juliana asks, barging into the room. Guess January unlocked the door before our fight.
“A bird crashed into the window,” Lia says. “It landed on the floor.”
Juliana looks concerned as she looks at the broken glass., “Was it dead?”
“Yes,” Lia, Shar and January say. Then Lia adds, “But Emma brought it back to life. And there was a price.” She points to the dead betas.
“I’m sorry,” I say to Lia again. “I’ll buy you new ones.”
Lia’s eyes are brimming with tears now. “They were my little buddies. They all had names, you know? I bet you don’t even remember them.”
I have to think for a few seconds, but I remember. “Larry, David and Felix. Maybe I could bring them back to life?”
“Yeah, then one of us will drop dead.”
“Or Shar could do it. Nothing died when she brought the frogs back.”
For a second it looks like she likes that idea, but then she goes the other way and starts crying. I feel fucking terrible. Now she has even more to mourn tonight. And it’s my fucking fault. [I’d be better off dead. It’s the fucking truth.]
“I’ll get the broom and help clean up this mess,” Juliana says. “Can I do that or do I need to play mediator here? I heard fighting.”
“We’re good,” January says in a tiny voice.
“You sure?” Juliana asks all of us. But she looks at January. And she notices her eye.
“You didn’t have a black eye earlier,” Juliana says to her. “What the hell has been going on in here?”
None of us say anything.
“I’m not leaving this room until someone tells me how she got that shiner. I’m all for giving you girls privacy, but I will not tolerate violence in this house. So, start talking.”
“It was between January and Emma,” Lia says. “Shar and I were in the bathroom when it happened.”
Juliana looks at me. “So, you hit her?”
I bow my head in shame.
Juliana grabs me by the chin and raises my head until I make eye contact with her. “Why?”
“I don’t know,” I say.
“Well, what was going on?” She lets go of my chin and looks at January.
“We kissed. Then... “ January looks at me, not wanting to get me in trouble.
”Then what?”
“Then – Then she went too fast and I got scared and wanted to leave, but she grabbed me and I pushed her. Then she punched me. But I don’t think she did it on purpose. It all happened so fast.”
Juliana glares at me. “What do you have to say for yourself?”
Gah, what does she expect me to say? “I’m sorry. I’m wicked sorry. I’ve been apologizing to her. I hate myself so much right now, I swear.” I look at January. Maybe if I use the L word it will smooth things over a bit. “You know I love you, right?” I do mean it. In every sense of the word. Of course, I do love Jim, too. I suppose I love them both equally.
January smiles – practically from ear to ear – and nods.
I smile, too. “I swear – if I ever hurt you again, you have my permission to set my hair on fire. Legit.”
She lets out a single laugh. “I could never hurt you, but thanks.”
“So, can I go get the broom now?” Juliana asks.
January and I both nod and off she goes.
I hadn’t noticed but Shar took her phone call. “OK, will do,” she says and puts her phone down. Now she’s bouncing up and down on her tip toes, as January often does, apparently having something exciting to tell us.
“Who was it?” Lia asks.
Shar continues on her toes as she talks fast. “This girl from the team, Lauren Hope, she just called and told me I made the team! I’m not supposed to find out until after school tomorrow, so I’ll have to act surprised when they tell me. But, whew, I needed good news like that.”
“That’s awesome. Congrats, hon,” Lia says and gives her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
January and I stand.
I hug Shar. “Yeah, congrats.”
Then January hugs her, too. “Congratulations. I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks, girls,” Shar says.
“We OK now?” I ask January.
She comes over and gives me a quick, closed mouth kiss. Just a peck. But I feel tingly and, most of all, relieved. My moving too fast apparently hasn’t caused her to shut the door to the possibility of being with me, which is amazing. [And I’m going to exploit it.]
We all manage to get dressed without incident and proceed to do our make up. Of course, January tries to heal herself, but it doesn’t work. Hannashurie must be teaching her a lesson again. Fortunately, Lia’s so good you can’t even tell January has a black eye unless you’re right in front of her.
We still have time to kill and it turns out Lia and Shar really want to watch more of The Return so we do that. I’ve seen both seasons a few times before. The idea of the dead coming back just fascinates me. I also love the Aussie show Glitch for that reason. I just can�
�t believe I brought that raven back to life. But Shar did bring all those frogs back to life, albeit with a little help from me. Nothing bad happened when she did that so I don’t know what happened when I saved the raven. Why Lia’s poor fish had to die. It’s not like I was doing black magick. I mean, I prayed to the Lord and Lady.
The whole time we’re watching TV I’m feeling like shit because of what I did to January and how I got Kat killed. And what I did to Lia’s fish. Seems like I’m no good for anyone. [I’m a fucking loser. I should take razor blades and slice my jugular veins wide open. I’d be dead in less than a minute. Or, better still, I should just succumb to the black magick. Then I’d never experience guilt again.] It’s tempting at the moment, but no.
My phone vibrates. Another text. I forgot to look when I received the last one. I look and see I have a voicemail from Priscilla saying she hopes the memorial isn’t too stressful and she looks forward to our visit tomorrow. That was nice of her to say.
I also have a few texts from Krystal.
Text 1: “Thinking of you guys today. I miss you. You guys are all I have anymore. My parents are treating me like some kind of victim they have to handle with kid gloves and I hate it.”
Text 2: “I know you have that memorial tonight. It just sucks. I could really use someone to talk to. These things are clogging up my mind. They’re so loud and I can’t get rid of them. I keep hearing my friends screams and wanting to die.”
Text 3: “I’m missing you tonight. I feel so alone.”
I text her back: “You’re not alone. You have all of us. We’ll see you tomorrow. Hang in there.”
I look at my phone for a minute or two in between reading The Return’s English subtitles – because my French isn’t good enough to keep up with how fast they speak it. I doubt I’ll ever be able to think in French well enough to watch French movies without subtitles. I’m mostly looking at my phone, though. Hoping Krystal will text me back. If I can cheer her up then I’ll feel like I did one thing right today. But I don’t hear back from her.
“Krystal or Priscilla?” Shar asks me, whispering.
“Both,” I say, whispering, too. “Priscilla seems good, but Krystal sounds depressed. Her last text said ‘I”m missing you tonight. I feel so alone.’”
In Memoriam Page 36