In Memoriam

by Michael Beaulieu

  “Ah. Did you text her back?”

  “Yeah, I said she has us and we’ll see her tomorrow. Thought she might text me back right away but she hasn’t yet.”

  Shar half-smiles. “I’m sure she’s fine.”

  Two hours of The Returned go by so fast it’s like I blinked and it was time to go.

  Still, no text back from Krystal. Maybe she’s taking a long nap? I wish I was. But it’s time to leave for the memorial. Lia and Shar are going with Juliana, but Jim is driving me, January and Pete. That could be pretty awkward, given everything that transpired between January and I already today.

  CHAPTER FIFTY ONE

  JANUARY

  Emma and I are standing outside Lia’s apartment building, waiting for Jim and Pete to arrive. Since it wasn’t going to take them long to put on their suits, they spent most of the afternoon practicing magick. I’m dying to know if Pete’s finally able to do more than squirt water out of his palms. Of course, I’m proud of him just for trying to do magick. For trying to be a witch. Not that he needs to be.

  Emma’s been staring at the ground for the last few minutes, but she finally looks up and makes eye contact with me. “Again, I’m so, so sorry about what happened today.”

  “It’s OK. I believe you.” I rub her arm affectionately to reassure her. I don’t want her stressing about this afternoon when we’re at the memorial tonight. That being said, if she ever hits me again I’m going to hit her back. Or set her hair on fire, as per her suggestion. And that will be the tragic end to our friendship. I just can’t be friends – or more – with someone who thinks it’s OK to punch me in the face. I’ve been bullied in the past and I’m not going to feel small like that again if I can help it. So, I’m giving her a second chance, but it’s the last one she’ll get.

  “How did you feel before I messed up?” Emma looks like she might start crying. She just isn’t herself today. She must blame herself for Kat even more than she was letting on.

  I blush a little. “Um, the kiss was fantastic. And it felt nice when our boobs touched.”

  Emma’s hands are trembling at her sides. “Like you were being molested?” Tears are welling up in her guilt-ridden eyes now.

  “No, no. I didn’t feel that way. I wanted you to touch me but then... it suddenly felt like an intrusion. I just wasn’t ready.” Only Hannashurie knows why. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t been lusting after her.

  “I get that. I wish I could take it back.” She looks like she means it.

  I press my forehead against hers and smile. “It’s OK. Really. Just as long as it doesn’t happen again.”

  “Jamais,” she says. I recall her telling me that means never.

  Our foreheads remain touching and I feel mine getting warm. My subconscious must have decided to heal her mind. I hope she doesn’t get upset about it. “I think we’re mind melding.”

  “It feels nice,” she says.

  “Cool,” I say.

  “So, do you want to try again sometime and just take it slow or did I traumatize you?” She looks fretful, her hands still shaky.

  I grab her wrists and hold them. “Don’t be silly, Emma. I’m fine, really. I just need to think about things, OK? I don’t know if I want to hurt Pete.”

  “I don’t want to hurt Jim either. Maybe we could meet in secret,” she whispers.

  I didn’t realize how much she’s wanted to be with me. Now I think she might’ve been crushing on me even harder than I was crushing on her. But I force myself to shake my head no. “I’d like to have my cake and eat it, too, but I’m not down for keeping all kinds of secrets. Of course, we have to keep what happened today just between us girls, but I might not be ready to explore with you until I break up with Pete. I mean, if I break up with him.”

  She takes a couple steps back, our foreheads breaking contact. “So, you might choose him over me?” Now her hands are shaking harder than they were before.

  I don’t want to upset her, but I can’t promise her anything right now. “Em, that’s not what I’m saying. I just need to think about shit, K?”

  She nods and squeezes my hands. We stop holding them a second later as Jim’s Cadillac comes flying down the street and comes to a screeching halt a few feet away from us. He doesn’t usually drive like that, so I look at my phone and I see that he’s five minutes late so I guess that’s why.

  Emma smiles at me, but Jim’s window is down so then she leans in and their lips meet and I look away. She keeps kissing him and kissing him, but he’s holding her head in his hands so she’s probably just doing it until he removes them. I try not to look, but I keep glancing over even as I get in the back where my Pete is waiting for me. I give him a kiss on the lips, but closed-mouth is the best I can do right now.

  “How was your day?” Pete asks me as Emma gets in the front.

  I cross my arms in front of myself. “Well, it wasn’t without incident.”

  “I’m sorry, babe. Want to talk about it?”

  “Maybe in a bit. Right now I’d just like to stare out the window and chill if that’s OK.”

  “Yeah, sure, whatever you need.” Pete is so sweet. Maybe I should stick with him? For one thing, he doesn’t feel guilty about anything we’ve been through, yet he appreciates how horrible it was. He’s such a stable guy. Even when club hacker was trying to manipulate him, he wasn’t that worked up about it. He was just going to submit and do what they wanted. Hack some credit union. Like they could really pull that off. Because their security is sure to be just as thorough as a bank’s. Even if they got into the system, I don’t see how they could siphon money without anyone noticing. If those guys were smart and really wanted to make money they could approach companies and try to get jobs testing their security for them. In other words, companies would pay them to try to hack them so they could see if their security is adequate or vulnerable. I think that’s what Lia said her mother does.

  Jim puts the car in drive and off we go.

  I smile at Pete then turn my head to the window.

  “What the hell happened to your eye? Are you OK?” I don’t see how he noticed it with Lia’s mad make up skills.

  “It’s nothing. Just an accident. I don’t want to talk about it.” I mean, what am I supposed to tell him? I wouldn’t go all the way with Emma so she slugged me?

  “It sounds like there’s something you’re not telling me...” He puts his hand on my shoulder.

  I speak softly, almost whispering. “I’ll tell you about it later. OK? It’s really nothing. Trust me.”

  He nods and says “OK,” and takes his hand off of me. I can’t tell him exactly what happened, but I’ll think of something.

  Emma and Jim are talking as I gaze out the window, but I don’t pay any attention. Guess I’ve heard enough from her today. Besides, I think she’s breaking bad between punching me and resurrecting a raven and everything else. She’s definitely not herself today. She seemed to be this morning, but she probably spent the day continuing to hate herself over Kat’s death and fell into a pit of depression. Plus, that has to trigger some of her PTSD issues. She’s been doing a little better with the panic attacks lately, but she’s still having the other symptoms. Flashbacks and nightmares, especially.

  We drive for twenty minutes and I just listen to the alternative music radio station, tuning out Emma and Jim. I smile when Garbage’s “Only Happy When it Rains” comes on. “I’m only happy when it’s complicated.” I guess I can relate to it today. And I’m sure Emma can.

  CHAPTER FIFTY TWO

  EMMA

  Jim arrives a few minutes late, but it gives me and January time to talk and it seems like she has forgiven me for punching her. I still feel terrible, but at least I know she’s not going to write me off and quit being friends with me. Why the fuck did I have to move so fast? It’s like I lost control of myself. Not that that’s a valid reason. Maybe that’s what Ruth meant. Seems I do need to be mindful of myself today. I mean, how could I be so stupid as to do the sa
me thing to January that Jon did to me that time, sticking his fingers half-inside me without asking.

  As January and Pete get in the backseat, I kiss Jim from outside the car, leaning over so our lips can meet. We swap tongues for a good minute and I start to feel a little dizzy. That’s the thing about Jim, he’s so amazing that you feel all of these different things when you’re with him. Hell, the sex is so good I usually have to be lying down when we do it because otherwise I get weak in the knees. I still see fireworks sometimes, too. Not this time, but I’m sure it’ll happen again, if not tonight then when we’re finally alone again. [That can’t happen too soon because I’m dying to have sex! It seems touching January made me wicked horny. Typical teenage urges, you know? You get that itch and you have to scratch it even if there are a hundred reasons why you shouldn’t. That’s human nature for you.]

  I go around the car and get in and Jim and I kiss again but closed mouth this time. As soon as we’re done pressing our lips together, he starts the Cadillac and off we go. We talk for a while about nothing in particular. Then I realize I haven’t told him I made the paper and tell him. He says, “Emma, that’s so awesome. Congratulations!” Then he rubs the top of my head like a parent would do to a kid. [I hate it when he does that. I always have bad hair for the rest of the day afterwards. Guess that’s one reason to dump him for January.] I’d already told January and the girls that I made the paper, but Pete hadn’t heard yet so he congratulates me, too.

  I tell Jim about the texts from Krystal and Priscilla, and that I’m a bit worried about Krystal, but he says I’ll see her tomorrow, and that’s sure to brighten her up so not to worry myself sick about her. I see his point. Still, I send Krystal another text: “Thinking of you. Almost at the memorial so if you text me and I don’t get right back to you that’s why.” I really hope I hear from her. Maybe I’ll just call her instead of texting after the memorial.

  After about 20 minutes, Jim and I shut up since Pete and January are just trying to enjoy the ride in silence back there. I hope January has truly forgiven me for hitting her. She says that she has, but I’m not sure I deserve to be forgiven. I was a fucking idiot. I’m a fucking idiot a lot lately. Not on purpose. To tell you the truth, I haven’t quite felt like myself since J sent that boars heart to me in the hospital and it made me hallucinate. The trouble with hallucinations is that your brain remembers them as regular memories like anything else you experience. In my mind, everything I saw that day was real. So, seeing the people who tried to kill us at school again like that just stirred shit up. It made me feel even more guilty about what happened to them, this even though we were the victims and only acted in self-defense.

  It might’ve been justifiable homicide when we killed our attackers, but we still put bodies in the ground regardless. Lives completely extinguished by us. By me. It takes a toll on you. Guess it’s the same way cops feel awful about killing perpetrators even when it’s a good shot or clean kill or whatever they call it.

  Between carrying the guilt about the shooting and the guilt I have about Kat, Robert and Marco’s deaths, I get to a point where I think the world would be better off without me. I’ve even contemplated suicide a few times. I’ve wanted to do it. Even bought razors. But I didn’t want to hurt my parents. And I want to live to see my baby sister when my mother finally has her next April. I’d also miss Mister Black big-time. Suffice to say, I do have reasons to live. My friends are all reasons, too. I’d miss them all something fierce. And I know my death would haunt them, so I can’t do that to them. [Not right now anyway. If I get even more depressed, perhaps I’ll arrive at such a dark place that I can no longer see beyond myself and then I’ll finally do it. Hoping it doesn’t reach that point. Or am I?]

  I’m still stressed about this memorial. I had to take an extra Ativan before we left otherwise I’d be having a panic attack right now. Then again, touching foreheads with January sent her healing warmth through my body and that calmed me considerably. Plus, I could ask her to hold my hand if I need her to ease my mind again later.

  I hope Lia and Shar’s micro premonition wasn’t about tonight. Between the raven crashing into Lia’s room and that, I’m starting to fear that Kat’s coven has plans to hurt us. Lord and Lady, please bless us tonight. Let no harm come to my friends and I. And please let her coven accept our sincere apology. So mote it be.

  CHAPTER FIFTY THREE

  LIA

  We’re on the way to the memorial. Juliana said I could sit in back with Shar so that’s what I’m doing. She and I are just holding hands and sitting quietly right now. A nice tune by Manic Street Preachers is playing on our satellite radio right now. “If You Tolerate This Then Your Children Will Be Next.” Juliana swears the word “then” isn’t in the title, but IDGAF.

  “So, girls, I have something to tell you,” Juliana says, sounding perky.

  I bite my lip. “Something good, I hope.”

  “Well, you know how we’re always getting Krispy Kremes, right?”

  I’m not sure I like where she’s going with this. “Yeah.”

  “I told you they’re from my friend who’s a dealer at Mohegan Sun casino. Well, his name is Jason – but everyone just calls him Jay – and we’ve been dating for several months now.”

  Shar and I exchange troubled expressions. Now I hate where this is going.

  All I can muster is, “So...?”

  “So, he’d like to meet you.” She sounds so enthused I want to die.

  I start curling my hair around my finger. “Why?” She never lets me meet who she’s dating. Not since this guy Larry. He was around for a couple years when I was ten to twelve. Turned out to be an alcoholic and a mean drunk at that. He threw a shoe at me one time and that was the end of him.

  “Because, Lia, I’d like you to meet him.”

  I can’t believe she’s springing this on me tonight. “You haven’t let me meet anyone you’ve dated in years.”

  Shar glares at me.

  “It’s true, right?” I ask her.

  “Yeah...” she says. It sounds like there’s a but there.

  I look her in the eye. “And?”

  She shrugs. “Maybe Jay is worth meeting.”

  “Trust me, he is,” mom says.

  “So, when are you planning to introduce us?” I ask apprehensively.

  “He’d like to take us – and your friends – out to dinner Saturday night.”

  “This Saturday?” I ask. “I don’t even get a week to prepare for this?”

  “Why? All you’d do is come up with reasons to hate him before you even meet him.”

  I guess she has a point. “Why’s he want my friends to come?”

  “Because I told him they’re your sisters and we thought you’d feel more comfortable if they came.”

  “Can January come, too, or just Emma and Shar?”

  “I asked him about that and, yes, we’d love it if January came, too.”

  I look at Shar. “Are you down for this?”

  “Sure,” she says and smiles.

  Do you think this is a good thing? I ask her telepathically.

  She smiles again. It has the potential to be. Try not to sweat it until you meet the guy.

  Maybe she’s right. I guess it can’t hurt to meet the guy. Unless he’s the one who was watching us in the dark during that premonition. That was creepy. I hate that we have no idea what it means. It’s also weird that Emma didn’t have it. Makes me wonder if it could be about her. Normally, I wouldn’t think so, but she hit January today for fuck’s sake. That’s crossing a line I never would’ve expected her to cross. I wonder if her PTSD is a factor? I know she was tired today, and being tired really screwed with me this morning, so maybe that’s the underlying reason? Not that it justifies what she did. She’s my sister, sure, but she and I are going to have a long talk about this tomorrow, that’s for damn sure. She’s lucky she didn’t hit Shar or she’d be sitting in the ER waiting to get a cast for a broken arm right now. Legit.

/>   CHAPTER FIFTY FOUR

  EMMA

  Jim, January, Pete and I are the first to arrive at the address George gave us, 1472 Somersault Lane, which Jim used his phone’s GPS to find. The white house with dark blue shudders is surrounded by cars. Cars in the driveway. Cars on the lawn. Cars in front of the house. Cars up and down both sides of the street. We’re almost a block away before we finally find a spot.

  “At least we’re not the first ones here,” I say.

  “That would’ve been kind of awkward,” Pete says.

  Jim shakes his head. “You’re all over-thinking this too much. You really need to let yourselves off the hook. What’s done is done and none of us can change that.”

  Nobody argues with him. We all get out of the car. In spite of Jim’s words, I feel like I’m drowning in guilt. My breathing even feels labored, like my chest is too weak for my lungs to fully inflate. Makes me think of how awful those bullies Ken and Troy must have felt when Jim crushed their ribs with vines. Of course, that must have felt worse, which only makes me hate myself more. In any case, I just hope tonight doesn’t give me my second heart attack.

  “Anyone see Juliana’s car?” Jim asks.

  Everyone looks around.

  “I don’t see it,” January says. “Tried to find it with my psychic vision like I use before I teleport but no luck.”

  “I don’t see it either,” Pete says.

  I get out my phone. “Let me text them.”

  I text Lia: “You guys here yet? We had to park way down the street.”

  Lia texts me right back; I read it aloud, “She says, ‘We just parked on a side-street. See you guys in front of the house? Cool?”

  January half-smiles. “Cool like ice cream.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” Jim says. Pete remains quiet. I wonder if January told him what I did? They were both texting on the ride here. Maybe they were talking to each other? I wouldn’t blame her for telling him. Although the plan was to keep quiet.