A past that wasn’t so perfect, a voice reminds me. I think of all that we’ve been through, independently of each other and together. And like a road, I see the future rolled out before me. Do I want to walk it alone, keep myself safe and protected from potential hurt? Or walk it with Ezra? Do it imperfectly, get messy and not know exactly what’s coming next?
“I—”
Ezra interrupts. “Please, don’t say anything now. Just think about it. Promise me that, okay? I know it’s a lot to take in right now.”
I nod.
“Okay,” I say. “Okay.”
Epilogue
I spend the rest of the spring overseeing the removal of the rest of my trailer. When they are done, there is just blank dirt where my house once stood. A clean slate, I try to tell myself, but the words, “emptiness” and “loneliness” come to mind more frequently. The contractor will begin work in early May. I wish they could re-build my personal life with hammers and saws and hard work.
Ezra has been true to his word and not pushed me for anything. I thought things would be awkward, maybe even feel broken. But our lives don’t feel that much different. We still hang out, see an occasional movie or grab coffee or go hiking or swim in Candlelight Pond. I named it that though in reality it probably has a stupid name like Cow Patty Pond. Everything in my life has turned upside down and I’ve asked Ezra to just be patient. And in typical Ezra-fashion, he just smiled and nodded and squeezed my hand.
Between managing the house demolition and plans for the re-build, I’ve also dived back into my securities work with a vengeance. I’m not sure what the future holds for Ezra and me, but whatever it is I don’t want the heavy weight of debt hanging over me anymore. I haven’t told him yet, about the Sunflower Specials, but I won’t give them up. Not now, maybe not ever. Someday maybe I will tell him about them.
Maybe.
***
This afternoon I have an unexpected break from work. I’m sitting on a boulder near the site of where my new house will be built. The sun is warm on my shoulders, pressing heat through my t-shirt. Birds chatter above me and somewhere far away I hear the drone of a chainsaw. The air smells like earth and green things and worms. Holding a spiral notebook in my lap, I uncap my pen and start a list. Writing centers me, helps me to make sense of things. I go back to the lists I’d made mentally a few days before.
The Good List: Helping people with the Sunflower Specials. I think of Phil and Reba and Molly, who ended up as sort of a hybrid client. Molly and I have stayed in touch, and I think the beginnings of a friendship might be brewing. It feels strange to have a girl for a friend. She’s so much fun that sometimes I forget she doesn’t know me the way that Ezra does, that we don’t have a history together.
Prescott was formally charged after further allegations from several families in the community. Sometimes it takes a single voice being raised, saying, “this isn’t right,” for others to join in. While the fact that there are children in recovery because of what the creep did definitely belongs on my bad list, I’m glad that Prescott is behind bars where he belongs. I toy with the idea of shipping him a big box of Krazy Glue.
The planning of my new house—okay, cabin—has been fun despite the trauma of losing so much in the trailer. Choosing plans for a new place and getting to decide all the details, while exhausting, is also liberating. And the increased security work means that I’ve qualified for a higher mortgage amount. I can get something bigger and with better resale value than the trailer had. Not that I’m planning to sell anytime soon. But who knows what the future holds?
I chew the end of my pen for a minute, watching the path of a robin hopping from branch to branch in a nearby tree. Returning to my list, I continue writing.
The Bad List: Failing Reba. The rape of Leanne will always haunt me. Sandra dying and the fiery explosion that decimated my home. Probably losing my friendship with C.J.
A short list, but bitter and dark just the same.
What’s next for me? I don’t know. And for the first time in a long time, instead of feeling anxious about that, I feel liberated, excited by all the possibilities. I’ve decided to sell the Repo Renew franchise to Cindy. She is excited about taking over on a permanent basis. There will be a meeting with our lawyers in a few weeks to make everything all legal; signed on all the specified lines.
Workwise, I’ll continue to focus on growing T.R. Waters Securities. I love the work, love to know that I’m doing good in the world. And the Sunflower Specials? I’ll continue those too, for now at least. I may not be a perfect vigilante, may bumble as much as help sometimes, but I want to be there for people who have nowhere else to turn.
Because if I’m not there to help the next person, who will be?
Hear No Evil Page 21