I’d learned to climax quietly when our children were small and easily disturbed, but as they grew older and spent less time at home, I must’ve gotten more vocal. I’d begun to express my feelings more than I ever had before—especially since Dad had gotten so hard of hearing we could have been pounding the walls in the next room and he wouldn’t have heard us.
If I’d kept quiet, Rufus would never have heard me and would’ve had no reason to suspect Cody of harming me. My climactic cries must’ve sent him right over the edge. What Dusty had done was far less provoking, but perhaps Rufus’s mental condition had deteriorated to the point that it took less and less to set him off. He’d been content to arrange for Dusty’s death to appear to be accidental rather than a cold-blooded murder, but the realization that Dusty was with me in my bed had apparently been enough for him to snap again. I had no way of knowing why Rufus’s deranged mind had connected me with his sister, although he had mentioned her braids and her giggles during his rant. When I’d been able to believe Cody’s death had been an accident, there was nothing to blame it on except perhaps bad footing for his horse or whatever might have spooked it. I wondered how Rufus had killed him. He’d never said. Cody had apparently fallen from his horse and smashed his head on a rock. I could accept that. No life is charmed, no one is immune from accidents, but knowing that a loved one was murdered changes a person.
* * *
A few weeks went by. Dusty had his cast removed and was pronounced fit to return to work by his doctor. We were still short a man, so there was no reason for Troy to leave unless he wanted to. The job was his for as long as he wanted it. I thought perhaps he would leave, but he chose not to, although his reasons weren’t quite what I expected.
“I have nowhere else to go,” he said quietly. “And you need me, so I’ll stay for now. I might move on after I get a little money saved up, but not yet.”
I did need him, but I wondered if he didn’t need us even more. Apparently he hadn’t considered becoming Rachel’s boy toy to be a viable option, although I was fairly certain he’d never brought up the idea whenever she was around.
I spent more time with the men—going out occasionally, talking with them, and getting to know them better than I ever had before. I learned that Calvin’s family had all been killed in an accident, and that he’d never let himself get close to anyone again because he couldn’t stand the thought of losing someone else. I could relate to that, and we had a number of long talks about it. Discussing it sooner would’ve helped us both, but better late than never.
I even got to where I could tolerate Bull. Beneath his bluff bravado and foul speech were enough insecurities to astonish anyone. Without Rufus there to tell him what a good job he did, he seemed to wither a bit, and he was quieter, just as I was. That experience had changed us all.
I promoted Joe to foreman, and I believed it was a good choice. He started dating Jenny in earnest not long after that, and I had high hopes for their future happiness.
Chris and David came home from college over the Thanksgiving holiday, and though I’d told them about all that had happened, there were details they wanted to know, so I had to relive the whole thing, rattlesnake and all.
Chris looked at me with Cody’s eyes and said, “Mom, it’s not your fault. You didn’t make Rufus insane. Someone else did that long before you ever met him.”
The insightful little rascal hadn’t even heard me say I had placed a portion of the blame upon myself, but somehow he knew. Cody might be gone, but he’d given me a couple of great kids.
After that, I threw myself into the preparations for a truly memorable Christmas, decorating the house, the barn, the bunkhouse, and anything else I could find. I even went out to the highway and tied a big red bow around that cottonwood tree. The men were busy getting the cattle settled in for the winter, so I spent a lot of time by myself, even getting all of my stained-glass orders done in time for Christmas.
We all got together at the house for a Christmas Eve party, planning to have Christmas dinner in the mess hall the next day so there would be enough room for all of us to sit down without being crowded. Calvin was so excited about having a real Christmas with the family he got downright tearful. Joe hung mistletoe all over the place and kissed me every chance he got.
“Jenny will get jealous,” I warned.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “She gets plenty of my kisses. She can spare a few for you.”
Perhaps he’d been saving them up the way Dusty had.
The mistletoe had an added effect, one I never would have expected, which was a rather chaste kiss from Bull. After a while, the men began to talk more among themselves and the boys were off in their rooms playing video games. Feeling the need to commune with our typically white Christmas, I went out on the porch alone.
The air was breathtakingly cold with a sky so clear the moon and stars seemed even brighter than usual, and moonlight sparkled on the surface of the snow like a million tiny stars. I stood there, shivering, looking up at the sky and thinking how small and insignificant all of our troubles truly were. In the greater scheme of things, they meant nothing at all. The universe would go on, the stars would still shine whether we were there to see them or not—whether we were happy or not, whether we loved or hated or were callously indifferent to one another. The stars couldn’t make a difference in our lives. It was up to us to determine how we would live and whether we made the effort to find happiness.
I’d been out there for several minutes when Dusty joined me, his cup of spiced cider steaming in the cold night air. “Hey, Angel. Are you frozen yet?”
“Almost.” I let it go with that, not being able to think of anything else to say. Not that I minded. On a night like that, voices seem to intrude on the stillness, the peace somehow disturbed by them.
“You seem awfully quiet tonight,” he remarked, echoing my thoughts. “Something bothering you?”
“Maybe,” I replied. “It’s hard to say exactly.”
He set his cup on the porch rail. “Want to talk about it?”
“I would if I understood it myself—well, maybe I do, but it’s still hard to explain.”
“Try me.” He stood behind me, holding me close in his embrace. “I’m a pretty good listener. I’d have to be to put up with Bull.”
I smiled. “I didn’t think you ever actually listened to him.”
“I don’t always tune him out. After all, we misfits have to stick together.”
“Misfits?” I twisted around to look up at him. “What on earth do you mean by that?”
“It’s what most of us are. That’s what you get for having a bunkhouse. Most ranches don’t have them anymore.” He nuzzled my neck. “Didn’t you ever wonder why none of us ever went home for Christmas? Sure, there’s always work to do, but it’s mainly because we don’t have any place else to go.”
I stood there, shivering in the cold, trying to process what he’d said. He was right. Even with the extra time I’d spent with the men, I still didn’t know everything about them. Not even Dusty. “No, I didn’t. But obviously I should have.”
“I remember when Joe first came here looking for a job. According to him, the prospect of having a place to sleep and food on the table was an amazing improvement over trying to scrape out a living at a lousy job and driving back and forth from a dingy apartment in an old rattletrap of a car. That bunkhouse seemed like a palace to him.
“You’ve always taken such good care of us, making sure we had anything we needed. Joe still talks about the time you took him to the emergency room and waited while he got that bad cut stitched up. And when I broke my leg—” He paused, squeezing me even tighter than before. “I knew how much you cared. I could see it in your eyes.”
“I would’ve done a lot more if Rufus hadn’t run me off. He never thought I should be out there ‘coddling’ you guys.”
“Trust me
, we knew how you felt and we appreciated what you did for us. We would’ve done more to show it, but Rufus’s threats kept us quiet. Other than a simple thank you, we weren’t going to do or say anything to jeopardize our jobs. We were much too happy here to ever do that. After the thousand things you’d done for us, we couldn’t give you anything in return, except loyalty and hard work.”
“You guys certainly did that. After Cody died and Dad began to fail, I was afraid everything was going to fall apart. You men kept it together.” I didn’t mention Rufus. He’d done a lot, but this wasn’t about him.
“We didn’t want this ranch to go down the tubes any more than you did,” he went on. “Joe will tell you he’s never had any money in the bank until now. We all do, except maybe Bull. But it wasn’t only the money or the roof over our heads we needed. Deep down, we’re all here because we’re trying to avoid facing up to something.”
I was pretty sure I knew what Dusty’s reasons were. I wasn’t so sure about the others.
He pressed a kiss to my neck. “I’ve been hiding from love ever since I discovered I couldn’t father a child. Then I came here and fell in love anyway. Joe’s been doing his best to avoid women too. Neither one of us felt like we had anything to offer, and of course good ol’ Rufus made us believe it even more. That’s why we’re all here, because we don’t have families and don’t believe there’s a snowball’s chance in hell we ever will.”
“I had no idea.” Although I should have, especially after what Troy had told me about Rufus’s lectures. He’d said it was enough to make them all want to ship out on a freighter or go live in a whorehouse—either to avoid the idea of love entirely or to find a woman who, for the right price, would pretend to love anyone.
“Calvin’s here because he’s afraid to lose another family. Bull’s here because he’s never been able to get a decent woman to give him the time of day and most people don’t like him. We’re all screwed up. Rufus wasn’t the only one.”
“But there’s nothing wrong with any of you,” I protested. “Maybe Bull has some issues, but I love you all so much. Surely to goodness I’m not the only one who could feel that way.”
“I’ll admit to having learned a few things in the past few months. But tell me, Angel. Have you learned anything?”
“What do you mean? What should I have learned?”
“Simply that we all love you just the way you are. Even if I wasn’t shooting blanks, you wouldn’t have to have my children to make me happy. You don’t even need to make Christmas dinner. Before you and I got together, all any of us wanted was to hear your laughter and see you smile. And me, well, I love you so much it scares me. I always have.”
I couldn’t say the same to him. When we’d first met, I still had a husband I was very much in love with. And then there was Troy…
“I may not have loved you for as long as you’ve loved me, but I wish I’d known how you felt before I picked up Troy.”
Would things have turned out differently if I had known the truth?
Possibly, although not necessarily for the better. Rufus might have actually succeeded in killing Dusty. I tried not to dwell on that possibility. Losing one husband to a crazy foreman was more than enough for one lifetime.
“That’s water under the bridge now,” Dusty said. “Speaking of Troy, do you think he’ll stay on?”
“He said he would for now, but I don’t think he’s ready to bury himself here. We might even lose Joe to Jenny before long. Then where would we be?”
“Stuck with Bull and Calvin?”
“Maybe. I certainly can’t see Bull leaving.” I shot him an admonitory glance. “You won’t be able to pick on him like you used to.”
“I know.” His groan indicated precisely how difficult that would be. “At least I won’t be living in the bunkhouse with him.”
“True. But Calvin isn’t getting any younger. We may have to hire some new cowboys.”
Dusty chuckled. “If you bring home any more like Troy, we may need to have a talk.”
I put up a hand. “I promise. Only ugly or obnoxious cowboys—as long as they can rope and ride.”
“Ugly is good. Not sure they need to be obnoxious.”
Given Dusty’s trials and tribulations with Bull, I really couldn’t argue. “You don’t need to worry, Dusty. You’re all I want. I don’t need anything else.”
“Hmm… Well, if I’m all you want or need, I guess I oughta return this.” With a sly smile, he reached into his shirt pocket.
“Return what?”
“Your present,” he replied. “Although it is part of a package deal. I sort of come along with it.” Taking my hand in his, he slipped a ring onto my finger. When I held up my hand, it sparkled back at me like a jewel from heaven.
“It’s beautiful—and so are you, Dusty. This is one package deal that doesn’t have any drawbacks.” I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him as hard as I could. “I love you so much.”
The kiss he gave me warmed the cockles of my heart—if not the rest of me.
He must’ve felt my shiver. “Let’s go inside and get you warm.”
Chapter 29
Dusty took a seat on the sofa near the fireplace, draping his arm around my shoulders when I curled up beside him.
“Happy?”
“Incredibly.” I followed my reply up with a kiss intended to show him exactly how happy I was. Unfortunately, I still had a confession to make. “There’s just one thing I need to clear up. Troy, you need to hear this too.”
Troy was leaning against the mantel, staring into the fire, but he looked up when I called his name. “What’s that?”
I took a deep breath and spilled my story. “I never did it with Joe. I have no idea whether he’s better than either of you. I just didn’t want to have to hurt one of you by choosing the other.”
“And how did it help to tell us Joe was better than both of us?” Troy demanded. “It made us both feel bad, and Joe rubbed it in every chance he got.”
“Sorry about that, but he was tickled to death to at least be able to pretend he could outdo you guys. He’s not what you’d call self-confident when it comes to dealing with women.”
“He oughta be,” Dusty said. “With a tool like that…”
“Yeah, well, it’s a nonissue because, like I said, I wouldn’t know.”
“I’m not gonna ask which of us is better,” Troy said, indicating himself and Dusty. “Although I’m guessing it’s Dusty.”
“You both had your moments,” I hedged. “But without putting too fine a point on it, sex is better with someone you love.”
Troy heaved a sigh. “I can’t argue with that.” He plopped down beside me. “Guess that explains why you two are so lovey-dovey tonight—unless it’s the eggnog. That’s some pretty strong stuff.”
I patted his knee. “Among other things.”
“Holy shit! When did you get that?”
Clearly, he’d noticed my ring. “I dunno…about five minutes ago?”
“We should celebrate—maybe drink a toast with some more eggnog.”
“Mmm-hmm.” Leaning closer, I traced the outline of Dusty’s ear with the tip of my tongue. “Or maybe we could have some hot buttered rum.”
“Sounds great! Didn’t know you’d made any.”
“I haven’t,” I replied, still nibbling Dusty’s ear. “I was just thinking about it.”
“Oh. Well, if you decide to make it, I believe I’d like a cup. I’ve never tried it before.”
“It’s pretty tasty,” I said. “Although to be honest, I wasn’t planning to drink mine from a cup.” I paused for effect. “I was thinking about dipping Dusty’s dick in it and then licking it off.”
Troy let out a groan.
“Not too hot now.” Despite his teasing tone, passion flared in Dusty’s eyes. “You wouldn’t want to
raise blisters on me, would you?”
I shook my head. “It’ll only be warm enough to make your blood boil.”
Troy cleared his throat. “Don’t suppose you’d consider making that a party of three, would you?”
“Nope.”
“That’s all?” he demanded. “Just ‘nope’?”
“Yep.” I kissed Dusty again, using as much soft, wet tongue on him as was humanly possible.
“Shit!” Troy exclaimed. “We’ve got to get the two of you married, and soon. The temptation is killing me.”
Bull was on the other side of the room playing checkers with Joe, but Troy’s outburst got his attention. “What? You two want to get married?”
“That’s the plan,” Dusty replied, frowning. “I thought everyone knew that.”
“Goddammit, of course I knew it,” Bull declared, leaping from his chair. “What I’m askin’ is do you wanna get married right now?”
I should have known… I made no reply but held my breath, waiting for him to continue.
“Because I can marry you.” Puffing out his chest, he announced, “I’m an ordained minister of the Church of the Holy Evangelical Society for the Spiritually Deprived.”
“Depraved, you mean,” Dusty muttered.
“Might be legal in Nevada,” I admitted. “Not sure it would be binding in Wyoming.”
“Oh no!” Bull waved his arms expansively. “It’s good anywhere, even at sea. I performed a marriage between two sailors once.”
“I thought the captain was supposed to marry people at sea,” Troy said with a frown. “Why couldn’t he do it?”
“Because it was two guys,” Bull explained. “It might not have been all that legal back then, but it sure as hell made them happy.”
Dusty’s expression was so innocent a halo should’ve been hovering above his head. “Is that your goal in life, Bull? Bringing joy to the gay men of the world?”
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