by Jo Watson
I caught sight of myself as I walked past the mirror. My boobs were practically sitting underneath my chin; it was a good thing that no one, ever, would see me in this bikini. Or so I thought.
CHAPTER TEN
Ever seen a baby gazelle minutes after it’s born? It attempts to stand on its never-used legs, and tumbles. It tries to jump, and topples. It falls onto its knees and crawls around on the ground until it can get up. It’s pretty damn cute.
This was not cute.
It started with a knock on the door. Room service was clearly fast around here.
“Just bring it in and put it on the bed, thanks,” I called out and waited to give them enough time to leave before emerging. I climbed out of the pool and shook the excess water off my hair in a way I suspected left me looking a bit She-Ra Wild Jungle Woman. I stepped into the room and froze.
“Dimitri!” It came out as a shriek. Thank God he wasn’t looking at me. Hey, what was he looking at that was making him smile so much? And then he spoke…
“Then the hard, pulsing shaft of his manhood sought out her most intimate part. The glistening pearl of her womanhood, moistened by the fiery furnace of unbridled passion. He impaled her on his—”
I could feel the smoldering heat rush through my body and soon it reached the boiling point.
“Okay. Stop. You can… enough!” I burst out laughing. This fake, strange maniacal laugh. “Besides, it’s… it’s not even my book.” More fake, weird laughter that disturbed even me a little.
“Really?” he asked. Suddenly I saw little pinky-blue dancing dots of light playing on his shirt, his hands, and the book. A strange look scuttled across Dimitri’s face as he noticed them on his hands.
I knew I hated sequins for a reason! My boobs were basically flashing at him. They might as well have been screaming at him, too. Could it get any worse? Oh yes it could. His eyes slowly drifted up from the book he held in his hand toward me, and that was my cue to grab the nearest folded towel.
Damn, a fucking hand towel! I had to choose: Cover the boobs, or cover the bottom half? I opted for the bottom half. I tried to wrap the towel around me but it didn’t fit and fell to the ground. I went after it, bending to pick it up, only to feel the bikini bottom being eaten by one of my bum cheeks. I gave another shriek and shot up, maneuvering my ass away from his field of vision. But the floor was wet and I fell onto my hands and knees.
“Fuck!” I heard myself pant as I crawled across the floor in the most undignified moment of my entire life. The floor was slippery and every now and then my knee would shoot out to the side.
I finally managed to make it to the bed and launch myself onto it like a torpedo. I did it with such force that at some stage my entire body was suspended in midair. I collided with the bed, landed on my face, and bounced a few times until the bed finally came to a stop. I immediately reached for the duvet and rolled. I rolled as fast as I could until only my head popped out. I lay there and looked up at him, vaguely aware that I couldn’t move my arms because they were so tightly wrapped against my body. I tried to act as casual as I possibly could.
“Dimitri.” I smiled up at him through a crack in the wild hair obscuring my face. “What brings you here?”
He looked down at me, and a grin spread across his face. It seemed to keep stretching until I was sure he couldn’t smile any more. I closed my eyes in sheer embarrassment.
“You left these in the car. I tried to call you.” He held out his hand, revealing the two tiny sachets of sunscreen that had been bestowed upon me by Flight and Travel Center *Terms and Conditions apply. I’d gone through all this for two tiny tester sachets of sunscreen?
He was still smiling. The smile radiated in his eyes as he kept his hand outstretched, waiting for me to take the packets. I tried to move my arms. No luck. I tried again. Still nothing. They didn’t budge. I was totally stuck. I tried to move my body and swing my legs off the bed so I could at least extricate myself from the anaconda-like grip of the duvet.
Nothing.
“You need some help?” he asked, reaching toward me.
“No! No! I’m perfectly fine.”
“Jane, unless you have a big knife in one of your hands and can cut yourself free, you’re stuck.”
“Well, it’s a lucky thing I do, then…” I paused. “Okay. I don’t.”
He gave a small and ever-so-sexy chuckle as he bent down and wrapped his arms around me. This was the most embarrassing thing that had ever happened to me in my life—worse than the condoms. He fastened his arms around me and I had visions of him trying to lift me off the bed, then realizing that he was lifting a whale instead of a human and crashing down himself. I closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable big boom! Only it didn’t come. Instead, I felt weightless for a moment or two, and then my feet were on the floor. Not just that, but I was standing right in front of him. Nose-to-nose. Our eyes locked, and a weird moment descended on us like a thick mist. Silence infused with a strange humming awkwardness that clung to me and sent shivers over my skin.
The shivers made a U-turn and ran back up my spine as he pulled my large bushy mane from in front of my face and his fingers grazed my cheek. Next I felt his fingers on my neck as he tugged on the duvet and finally loosened it. He gently turned me, as if we were dancing, and the first layer was released. I did a full 360 until I was facing him again. He gave me a small semi-smile and then turned me again, and again until I felt the duvet completely loosen around me and finally fall to the floor.
I floated in a moment of absolute bliss as I stood face-to-face with the world’s most attractive man. But the bubble was burst in the worst way possible as I watched his eyes drift from mine to my lips, and then down. I saw a look flash across his face, it seemed to be a look of shock. Then his eyes locked onto something else.
I glanced down, and that was the start of my demise. If I thought that this moment couldn’t get any worse—it could. In all the rolling, my bikini top had done the most appalling thing. The fervent roll had caused one of the cups to wedge itself under my armpit, pushing my boobs together into something wildly indecent-looking. And yes, there was also the slightest nipple-peep.
I gasped and clasped my hands over them. And that was it. I ran into the bathroom and slammed the door behind me. I fell against it, out of breath from the mini sprint, while I adjusted the cups and tried to force the rebellious things back to where they belonged. I pushed my ear to the door and heard some shuffling sounds. He was still there.
“Um… you can leave the sunscreen on the bed. Thanks for bringing it. Bye.” The words fired out of my mouth like bullets. I was mortified and never wanted to see Dimitri again in my entire life. Ever. Never. I heard more shuffling, and it sounded like he’d come all the way up to the door. I pressed my ear even harder and could make out the sound of his breathing.
“Was there something else?” I asked cheerfully.
“Yes. As a matter of fact. I was wondering if you’d changed your mind about Greek food?”
“No. Still don’t like it.”
“So you don’t want to come out with me and my tour group later tonight?” he asked.
“No thanks. Thanks for asking, though.”
There was a pause. I could still hear him at the door.
“Anything else?” I asked.
“Yes. You should really wear your hair down more often,” he said.
I heard the hotel door close and he was finally gone. It took me a few moments to pluck up the courage to step out, and when I did, I could see he’d put my duvet and pillows back onto the bed and made it up perfectly. And there in the middle were the two sachets of sunscreen. I reached up and touched my wild mop of unruly curls.
“You should really wear your hair down more often.”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Despite the unpleasant events of the day before, I’d woken up the next morning feeling very positive about the day ahead of me.
WHATSAPP GROUP: Jane goes to Greece
&nb
sp; Jane: Wish me luck. I’m off to find my father!
Lilly: Good Luck.
Annie: OMG. This is crazy. I can’t believe you’re doing it.
Jane: I know.
Lilly: So what’s the plan?
Jane: Well… I Googled all the licensed tour guides and tour companies in Santorini. There were twelve. Three of the companies also had the name Dimitri in their title…
(I left out the part that I knew one of them.)
Jane: I’ve phoned them all and asked whether a Dimitri, approximately forty to fifty years old, was currently working there, or had worked there in the past. So now I have whittled it down to five companies and I’m on my way to see them all.
Annie: How are you going to know it’s him?
Lilly: Exac. You just going to come out and ask, “Hey, did you have sex with a woman called Phoebe twenty-five years ago?”
Jane: I’ll just know when I see him.
Annie: You’ll know?
Jane: Sure. How could I not recognize my own dad?
Annie: Uh, I hate to point this out to you, but I think there are a few holes in your plan.
Jane: My plan is fine!
Val: Hey, just saw this. Cool news! I still can’t believe you’re even there. OK, gotta go. I see Matt’s car pulling up to the apartment.
Annie: HEY! Stop stalking him and his girlfriend!!!!!!
Val: I’m not.
Lilly: You are!
Jane: Totally stalking him!
Stormy: LoVe = Poowerfull
Jane: Huh?
Stormy: Yourre staR Sign. t0day says is power.ful dAY for love/
Lilly: Stormy. Woo-hoo! You’re getting better at typing!
Jane: Thanks Storm. But I doubt it.
I slipped my phone in my pocket. I donned the most comfortable pair of walking shoes I owned, grabbed my bag, and headed out the door. I figured it would be easier to navigate the narrow streets on foot to avoid the slow-driving tourists—and the bit of exercise wouldn’t hurt, either.
But a few hours later, and four tour companies down, I began to realize the serious holes in my plan, which Annie had tried to warn me of. I think I’d shot her down so quickly because if I had thought about it, really thought about it rationally for more than a few seconds, I would have clearly seen the massive, gaping holes in this ill-concocted plan of mine.
First, one place employed two Dimitris, both of them in the right age bracket—neither of them looked right. Others said they had employed Dimitris, but had no clue where they were now. Most said they couldn’t help me unless I had a surname, which I didn’t.
As the day progressed I’d also become less and less confident in my so-called ability to recognize my own father. I’d stared at multiple Dimitris all day and none of them had jumped out at me. My enthusiasm began to wane, although the last Dimitri had suggested I go down to the port; there were boat tours there and he definitely knew of a Dimitri.
And that’s when I saw him…
Growing up, my sisters were part of the cool crowd—no, they were the cool crowd. They defined what everyone was doing and wearing and what the latest buzzword was. Boys wanted them, girls wanted to be them. They oozed a gravitational force that was so strong, people seemed to take up orbit around them. Dimitri had that same kind of quality, only magnified. He was walking along the tiny-pebbled street, talking about something passionately. A smile illuminated his face, there was an urgency and excitement to his walk, and his gestures were large and uninhibited. He looked like an overexcited kid on the playground. This passion, mixed with that half-unbuttoned white shirt, made him obnoxiously good-looking. Surely no man had the right to be this good-looking. He radiated good-looking-ness from every single one of his tiny pores. I almost wanted to march up to him and prick him with a needle just to see if he was human and would bleed.
The women following him looked hypnotized. Although they were carrying little Greek tour books and maps, they were way more interested in looking at the way the wind was tugging at his loose-fitting shirt… mmmm, so was I…
Suddenly I imagined him plunging business cards into all these women’s eager hands.
“If you need anything.”
I crept a little closer. I didn’t want him to see me, so I decided to stare at him rather psychotically from behind a bush. I was close enough to hear what he was saying now.
“… This island is like the Greek myth of the Phoenix that rose up out of the ashes.” His voice had an excited quiver to it. “It was created from a massive volcanic eruption, and now it is the most beautiful place on earth…” He stopped for a moment, placed his hands on his hips, and looked around in awe, as if he were looking at it all for the first time. There was something so hypnotizing about him that for a moment I wondered if this was what my biological mother might have experienced.
“Can you feel it?” He spoke again. “The magic of it all?” He turned and looked at the women, who all dutifully nodded their heads. But it was clear they weren’t thinking of their magical surrounding but rather contemplating what magic might be lying under that shirt of his… or in his trousers.
I leaned in a little closer, and that’s when I felt the buildup. No, no, no, no… too late. I felt the sneeze before I saw the cause of it lurking in the same bush I was in. “A-chooo!” I sneezed. Loudly. He turned and looked in the direction of the bush…
Fuck!
My first instinct was to drop to the ground. Perhaps try a military-style drop-and-roll slash leopard-crawl combo. But I’d done enough of that in the last twenty-four hours to last me ten lifetimes. My heart thumped. My head started to sweat, and my mouth went dry. Think, Jane… think, Jane… be smart… use your doctor-y brain… what am I going to do?… think…
So I threw myself at the ground once more. Yes, I did it again. Don’t judge me. I was so embarrassed for myself that I didn’t even care that a little boy pointed and laughed at me as I crawled across the ground. I just prayed he hadn’t seen me…
“Jane?” A sexy leg appeared in front of me. I was assailed by feelings of panic, but I was also determined to remain cool this time. The most important thing to do in a situation like this was to relax, keep calm, breathe. Do. Not. Panic.
“Dimitri. Hi. I… hahaha. It’s you.” I looked up at him from the ground and realized that this was the worst impression ever of surprised but totally cool, slightly aloof person.
“Haha…” I nervous-laughed again. I hated myself. “Fancy seeing you here.” A+ for creativity there, Jane.
I quickly scanned my brain for some valid excuse to be down there:
Looking for contact lenses. (Way too clichéd. Sounded like a lie.)
Studying the indigenous ant species. (Way too complicated.)
And then I saw it. My golden ticket out of the situation. My bag had opened and a can of Coke Zero had rolled out of it. I grabbed it in my hand and jumped up.
“Found it,” I said triumphantly. “Sneaky little thing must have rolled away.” And then to end my performance I decided to do it. If I’d been in my right mind I wouldn’t have. It doesn’t take a physicist to realize that motion and fizzy drinks do not go together. I opened the can, and it exploded.
It was the volcano erupting all over again. It exploded in a giant commotion of black fizzy liquid and we were both instantly covered. Through the dark, liquid veil now covering me, I could see that the stuff had coated his face as well as his shirt. Oh God. What had I done?
I heard a few snickers from the audience that had now gathered. A few who had been a bit too close were wiping the odd drops of Coke off their arms. I wanted to open my mouth and say sorry; I wanted to defy the laws of the universe and reverse time. But I froze to the spot as sticky Coke dripped from my face and ran down my neck and into my shirt.
I just wish I’d remained frozen, because it would have been preferable to what I decided to do next. I flung myself at Dimitri with a kind of mad panic and started wiping him. In a manic frenzy of hands I wiped his hair, hi
s face, his shirt… God, his chest feels hard. But it wasn’t working, so I grabbed some tissues from my bag and continued. The tissues disintegrated in seconds and left little clumps of whiteness all over his face.
“Dimitri, I’m sorry… sorry… I’ve…” My voice cracked and quivered as I continued to paw at his shirt in the hopes that both the white clumps and the soda would disappear. Dimitri reached out and grabbed my hands in his. I stopped my madness and sighed apologetically. Our eyes locked, and in that moment I realized my glasses must have fallen off at some stage, too. I sighed again.
“It’s okay, Jane.” He smiled at me, and I crumbled inside. “Look at you.”
For the first time I acknowledged that I was also covered. I glanced down at my once white shirt—now brown and dripping. More sighs emanated from me.
“You can’t walk around like that,” he said. “Come. I’ve got something for you.” He gestured for me to follow. “I’ll be back soon,” he called out to the pack of women who’d been following him. “Have a look around in the meantime, and if you have any questions about the area, I’ll answer them when I get back.” I looked over at the women, and their faces all seemed to fall. The only questions they probably had involved which page in the Kama Sutra he was willing to try with them.
I lifted my bag off the ground with great difficulty and hoisted it back onto my shoulder with a loud outbreath from the effort of it all.
Dimitri looked at it curiously. “Do you carry that with you wherever you go?”
“Well, I might need something in it,” I explained.
“Like two hair straighteners?” He sounded amused but kept on walking.