by Meghan Quinn
And it felt good.
Despite how tired I am, or how weird last night was at the poker table, or how sore my body is, last night was just what I needed to prepare myself for this morning. It was a good reminder that even though it feels like my heart has turned into a block of coal, at least someone in my life values me . . . or at least my body. The body I’ve worked what feels like a lifetime to have.
In a pair of shorts and a simple tank top, I snag a pair of wedges from the closet and walk over to Donovan where I give him a kiss on the cheek before grabbing my phone and purse. The guy sleeps like a log after a night filled with sex. Hell, I wish I was back in that bed right now as well.
Downstairs, I call an Uber and look through the text messages on my phone while I wait the two minutes.
Leah: Tyler wants to go out to dinner Friday night with you and Donovan. Are you guys available?
We both have work so this is either going to be a late dinner or a really early one. I’ll talk to her about it tonight.
Dad: Hey boo bear. Have you picked a time to come visit the old man, yet? Ask about some time off soon. I really want to see you.
I miss my dad so much, and I promised I would visit, but I don’t know when I’ll get the time. And then there’s my mom. If I visit my dad, I have to visit my mom, and that’s torture.
Sage: Hash House better have a ton of coffee.
I chuckle and text her back before going to the last text.
Ryan: Hopefully I don’t drink it all before you do.
I move my finger to the last text and pause. I shouldn’t open it, I really shouldn’t, not with who I’m about to have breakfast with, but just the short preview has me itching to read it.
Should I?
Shit, there is no way I can stop myself.
Colby: Hey Ryan. I wanted to let you know I made it to Colorado Springs a couple of days ago. We’ve started training, doing aerial maneuvers with pilots from other squadrons, mainly from Luke. The mountains make it tricky, which is why we’re here to practice. I hate that I left with things so unresolved. I hate that we didn’t get a proper goodbye, and I fucking hate the tension between us. I miss you. I miss my best friend. I’m so goddamn sorry for everything, and I really hope we can make it through this, because I need you in my life, Ryan. I need you.
Tears of frustration and sadness start to well in my eyes as my Uber driver pulls up to the curb in a red Toyota Camry. I hop in and quickly say hi before looking out the window, trying to calm the erratic beat of my heart. But Colby’s words hit me hard.
I would love to get back to the people we were before everything went down, before our argument, but I also know the person I was before the fight was someone who was madly in love with her best friend. I can’t stand by his side—be the person he wants me to be for him—when I want to wrap my hand around his neck and pull him down to my mouth. When I want to spend hours in his bed, with his arms wrapped around me, and enjoy his eyes staring into mine.
I want what we had that one night, but I want that to be our forever.
It doesn’t take very long for the Uber driver to drop me off, and before I know it, Sage is walking toward me looking as perfectly put together as usual. Tan conservative pants, a sweet, yellow button-up blouse, cute heels, and her white-blonde hair neatly frames her beautiful face.
This is who Colby chose.
No wonder he didn’t want me.
I hate her, but I like her. What a fucking mess.
“Ryan.” She comes up to me and gives me a big hug, her perfume fresh and inviting, her embrace warm and comforting. Yup, she’s the definition of perfect without even trying. “Thank you so much for meeting with me.”
“Of course.” I swallow hard and walk into the restaurant, letting the hostess know it’s only the two of us.
Once we’re seated, menus placed in front of us, and a fresh glass of water each, I ask, “Is everything okay?”
Setting the menu down, she folds her hands in her lap and shakes her head.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s um, Colby.”
My stomach drops, and my breath hitches in my chest, fright consuming me in an instant. “What do you mean? Is he okay?” I have an immediate urge to check my phone to see what time he texted me.
“Oh no, he’s okay.” She leans over and squeezes my hand. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you like that. We’re kind of going through a rough patch.”
My forehead creases as my brows draw together. Sage and Colby going through a rough patch? Why is that incredibly hard for me to believe? They just got engaged, so shouldn’t they be in this phase of their life where everything is beautiful and wonderful and nothing could ever touch them? And they’re so good together, so what could they possibly fight about?
Being a little cautious, I ask, “What kind of rough patch?”
“Have we decided what we’re going to get?” the waitress asks, interrupting a very important question.
We order quickly and once she’s out of earshot, Sage says, “I don’t know, but things have been weird between us lately. I feel like there are things he’s not telling me, things that have happened to him in the past. He’s really sensitive about his airplanes.” Oh shit, has Colby not told her about his stepdad? Apparently not. “And he seems so distracted. He doesn’t care to help with the wedding and our conversations at night aren’t what they used to be. I feel like he’s drifting, and I don’t know how to reel him back in.” She plays with her fork, keeping her eyes trained down. “We haven’t really been intimate lately, our goodbye felt forced, and I’m nervous he’s going through something and not telling me.”
My skin prickles with fear, my body immediately starting to break out in a sweat as my mind starts to wander to the reasons why they’re having problems. The main reason being me, and that thought causes my stomach to roll.
I don’t ever want to be that person, the one who gets in the middle of a couple. I’ve never condoned cheating and will never be the other woman. It’s one of the reasons I’ve tried to distance myself, because I don’t want to influence Colby in making a decision he might regret later on.
I refuse to be that woman.
And yet, right now, with Colby swirling in my head, all I can think about is how I might unintentionally be that other woman.
“The intimate part is on me, but not because I haven’t wanted to be with him. Believe me, I want him more than anything. It’s just, he seems so empty inside. The last time we were together physically, it didn’t feel like he was connected, but like his mind was elsewhere. I hated every second of it. It’s almost like he’s hollow.” She shakes her head. “I don’t know what to do, Ryan, I thought maybe you could give me some insight.”
Panic.
Panic consumes me. My leg bounces, my heart races.
I didn’t do anything wrong. I kept my distance. I never once acted on my feelings.
“Uh, I mean, I don’t really know what to tell you,” I answer vaguely, unsure of how much to admit to her. “Colby and I haven’t really been speaking lately.”
She perks up, a sense of relief washing over her. “Oh my gosh, why didn’t I think about it sooner? Of course he’s acting weird, because you two haven’t been talking. Are you . . . fighting?”
Why is this the most awkward conversation I’ve ever had? I’m sweaty, nervous, and I’m on the verge of blurting out my feelings for the world to hear.
“We just said some things to each other . . .” I shrug my shoulders, not wanting to get into it.
“Were they bad?”
I take a sip of my water. “They weren’t great.”
“That’s it.” She lets out a long breath and leans back in her chair. “Gosh, I wish I’d known you guys had a little falling out. I would have helped mend things.” Little falling out? She’s totally clueless. How is that possible? “. . . I know how much he cares for you, and I can see why it would throw his life off a bit. If Rocky or even Rowdy were mad at me, I don’
t know what I would do.”
“Rowdy?” I ask, a little perplexed.
She nods. “Yeah. Especially during these past couple of days with Colby gone, he’s been there to lean on. I don’t like it when I’m fighting with people, so I can see how it’s throwing Colby off. I just wish he would have talked to me about it.”
“He probably didn’t want to worry you,” I spout off, not really sure what to say but trying to be reassuring.
“We’ve both been super stressed with the wedding and with this being our first time apart since we became a couple.” She chuckles to herself. “Boy, did we start out with a bang.”
“Don’t worry, I’m sure it’s just a bump in the road.” I do not want to know how they started off with a bang. I mean, I know they did, because Colby told me all about it. But at that point, I could deal with it. At that point, I hadn’t realized I loved him. My answers now? Predictable. I feel like I’m on autopilot.
“Is there any way I can make things better between you and Colby?” She’s so damn sweet she almost seems fake, but I know she’s not. It’s her personality, who she is, the perpetually nice girl. Makes me feel like Satan’s mistress most of the time.
“I don’t want you to get in the middle.”
She slouches, defeat in her shoulders. “But will you try to fix it? He’s not the same, Ryan, and I’m nervous.”
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
Want to talk about a rock and a hard place.
Be friends with the man you’re in love with to help ease the tension in his soon-to-be marriage, or keep distancing yourself in order to save your own heart, but ruin someone else’s in the meantime. Most people would vote for self-preservation, especially when it comes to love.
I want to be most people.
But I also want Colby to be happy, and I know he’s happy with Sage. I’ve fucked with his head but not on purpose. I’ve tried to do the right thing, to step away, but it doesn’t seem like that’s an option.
I don’t want to let Sage down, because she doesn’t deserve that. I don’t want Colby to be upset anymore, and have his mind on anything other than flying safe. And I don’t want to be the reason why things are weird between the two of them.
Why do I feel like the universe is slowly trying to test my willpower? It’s like every day it comes up with a new form of torture, today’s delight being a whopper.
Make up and be the friend you’re supposed to be with the man who owns your soul.
Should be incredibly easy and not heartbreaking at all to watch him marry someone else in a winter wonderland in the mountains.
Should be easy.
I reach across the table and reassure Sage with a squeeze to her hand. “I’ll call him tonight, see if I can get things straightened out.”
“Seriously?”
I nod.
She squeals.
I want to stab myself in the eyeball.
“Thank you so much, Ryan.”
I smile, flat-lipped. “Of course. Now”—I take a deep breath—“tell me about the wedding so far.”
Keep it together.
Don’t cry.
Deep breath.
Chapter Ten
COLBY
“Want another piece?”
“Sure.”
Bent hands me another slice of pizza from across the king-sized bed of my hotel room. It was a long fucking day of flying followed by an even longer debrief that went far past two hours. My mind is shit, and once we left Peterson, all I wanted to do was watch mindless TV and eat a fucking pizza.
And that’s exactly what we’re doing.
In the small confines of my hotel room, surrounded by versions of brown and red, a flat-screen on the wall in front of us, and a pizza between us, we veg.
To me, it’s one of the easiest ways to de-stress. That and having sex, but given my fiancée is in Las Vegas, sex isn’t an option.
I spoke with Sage on the way back to the hotel. She asked how my day went, and strangely, didn’t once talk about the wedding, but was more interested in how I was doing. I felt like a massive dick talking to her on the phone. I kept apologizing for my behavior before I left, but she pushed it to the side, saying she understood and that everything between us was good, even though it didn’t feel like it was. It felt like something was off, and I couldn’t put my finger on it.
“How’s the wedding planning coming along?” Bent asks.
I shrug and take a bite of my pizza. “Fine, I guess. Haven’t really talked about it lately.”
“Are you excited about getting married?”
“Sure. Why?”
He eyes me suspiciously. “Because it doesn’t seem like you’re excited at all. You don’t have to be Sage excited, but you should show some emotion.”
“I’m focused on our missions. I want something small, she wants something big, so I told her she can do what she wants, and I’m letting her do that.”
“Don’t be that guy, Colby.”
“What guy?”
“The guy that doesn’t help out with the wedding, shows up, gets drunk an hour before, and then stumbles through the rest of the night.”
“You know I would never be that guy,” I reply, sternly.
“You’re headed down that path. You have to give at least two fucks about what’s going on. Don’t start your marriage off not caring.”
When did Bent become the philosophical one? I’m about to ask, when my phone starts to ring. I check the caller ID and nearly fall out of bed when I see who’s calling.
“Hey, I have to take this.” I snag my phone, a key card to my room, and bolt out before Bent can reply. I catch my breath and answer on the fourth ring. “Hello?”
“Hey Colby.” Oh, thank fuck. How is it possible that just hearing her voice calms my nerves?
“Ryan,” I breathe out. “Fuck, how are you?”
“Fine.” She sounds timid and hesitant, which has my protective instincts kick in.
“Is everything okay?”
“Everything is fine. I’m just nervous.”
I make my way to the stairs where I take a seat on the top step, letting my feet rest on the stairs below. “Nervous? Why?”
“Because . . . we haven’t talked in a while, and I feel like I don’t know what to say.”
I smile. Ryan not knowing what to say? She’s the most outgoing person I know. Hell, the first night I met her at the party in Woodland Park my senior year in college, she was the one who approached Stryder and me and asked if we wanted to play pool. She was the one who initiated our gathering and kept the night going until I took off.
“How about I start with this? I’m sorry, Ryan. I’m sorry I insulted you. I’m sorry I was a massive dick who forgot to be a friend who lectured you when you needed someone to lean on instead. I just want to make sure you’re happy and confident.”
“Thank you,” she says meekly, pausing for a few beats. “I’m sorry I didn’t give you a proper goodbye. That was awful. I was mad, and instead of putting aside my anger, I did the worst thing possible and let you fly away without a hug. That was really shitty.”
I chuckle. “It was. Never felt more like shit than in that exact moment.”
“Really?” Her voice sounds so sad.
“Yeah. You matter to me, Ryan. Just about killed me seeing you walk away that night.” Everything felt wrong. My skin. My heart beat. My breath. Everything.
“I’m sorry.”
“Lucky for you, I forgive easily.” I lean against the railing of the stairs already feeling better.
“Lucky for me, huh? Who’s to say I’ve forgiven you?” Playfulness replaces the sadness, and fuck if it doesn’t make me happy.
“Not forgiven yet? Well shit, what do I have to do to make that happen?”
“You sound a little desperate there, Brooks.”
I can’t tamp down the smile that’s lighting up my face. I grip the back of my neck and say, “Might be.”
“All right, how
about this. You tell me one thing no one knows about you and maybe after I hear your little confession, I’ll forgive you.”
“That easy?”
“Depends on the confession,” she says. “If you say something like, no one knows I eat three pieces of bacon in the morning rather than two, that’s unacceptable. I need something saucy here, something juicy, something that will make me gasp.”
“You want the dirt.”
“Exactly.”
I laugh into the phone. “Something no one knows? That’s going to be pretty hard.” Actually, it won’t be. I’m not really a fountain of information about myself to many.
“Just tell me what happens behind closed doors, Brooks.” This girl so loves to push the envelope.
“Ah, so you want really saucy, don’t you?”
“Yes. Give me the dirt.”
“And if I tell you, we’re back to normal? No more hiding from me, no more ignoring, we’re like we used to be?”
She doesn’t answer right away, but when she does, there is a little shake in her voice. “Yes, just like we used to be.”
Thank fuck. It’s all I want—my life to be back to normal. It has felt so scattered and out of place lately I haven’t been able to fully concentrate on anything. In the air, where I’ve struggled the most—I’ve felt Bent breathing down my neck, ready to pop off and tell me to get my head out of my ass.
He doesn’t need to worry, because hearing Ryan’s playful voice is instilling a sense of peace in me.
“All right, something dirty, something no one knows . . .” A little fact pops in my head and I start chuckling.
“Oh, this sounds like it’s going to be good. Come on, lay it on me.”
“Depends. Is this in the vault?”
“What does the vault entail?” She laughs.
“It means never uttering this to another human being. It’s in the vault forever, because with the amount of time we hang out with all the guys, I’m going to need this to stay between us. They will never let me live it down.”