by Liza James
It never happened that way though. And I intentionally force back those memories once again.
This is enough for me to say goodbye.
I slowly pull back and she rolls forward on her stomach as I climb out of her bed. Walking to the other side, I force myself to crouch down in front of K. My eyes linger on the way she seems so at peace. Her long lashes resting against her creamy skin. Strands of her golden hair have slipped over her face, lying along those lips that hit my addiction and bring destruction.
I sigh out a heavy breath, slowly in hopes of keeping as quiet as I possibly can. But I can't help the ache in my fingers to touch her. So, I lift my hand and rest my touch over her cheek. Pushing back the few strands of hair, I tuck them behind her ear and slowly trail my thumb along her lower lip.
She breathes out and against my skin, stirring slightly but not enough to wake.
Fuck, I want to kiss her again. Just once more before I have to say goodbye for good. But I don't, I can't risk her waking and trying to force me to stay. This is how it has to be now.
"I forgive you," I whisper the words on salty lips and that's when I realize my own tears have escaped my eyes. My heart hammers in agony at this loss. I have so many things I want to say, but not enough time or ability to say them without consequence. So, I settle for the important ones. "It was always meant to be you. I think you know that though. No one has reached into my heart, my head, my blood, like you have. Even then, even in mistakes, even now. You've always been it for me."
I glance to the window and see it's still dark.
This is it. Goodbye, and I mentally remind myself over and over that this is the right move. K will be safe, and that's all that matters to me anymore. My parents of course, but I don't know what they're association is with The Nation now that we've been called back into service. The fact they haven't called to find out if I'm safe is enough to tell me Dom has already been in communication with them.
I silently pull away and wipe my hands over my cheeks, brushing away the tears while I move to grab my things and slip on my hoodie and sweatpants. Stepping toward the door, I'm quick to pull it open and shut it behind me without a sound.
I'm carrying my things, reaching for my phone as I hurry through the hallway and grip the doorknob. Turning it, I shift to pull it open and slip out successfully unnoticed.
"Going somewhere?" Aura's voice suddenly speaks behind me. I freeze, and my heart sinks at the realization that I was so fucking close to getting away from them.
I slowly turn around, leaving the door shut behind me when my eyes meet Aura's in the kitchen. She's leaning against the counter, her silk sleep shorts and tank hanging loosely over her body as she holds a small mug close to her chest.
"Drinking coffee? At 5AM already? I thought you would still be asleep," I reply, keeping my tone casual as I tread whatever this is about to turn into.
"Definitely this early. I have a hard time sleeping these days," she says kindly, tilting her head to the side before taking another sip.
I stand in silence, slipping my phone back into my pocket while I anxiously await whatever she's going to say. But she doesn't speak, and it's clear that she's waiting for my own explanation. "I have to go back." I simply state. She won't be able to understand how important this is.
"I know you think you do," she replies, setting her mug on the counter before resting her hands on the surface at her back. "But we can do this. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself because of what happened to your sister. I'm promising you Calypso, you don't have to go back to him. We can figure out a way."
I watch her, my eyes taking in her ambiance and the atmosphere we're standing in.
She's different than she was before. Brighter somehow. Bigger, bolder. She's grown into this space I never realized surrounded her. And I can't help but so desperately wish I had that for myself.
Unfortunately, it isn't how my life planned out.
"It’s not only that. If I stay here, I put people at risk," I tell her, reaching back to rest my hand on the doorknob again. I need to work my way out. "People who mean a lot to me." I pause, glancing down before finally looking back up to meet her intense gaze. "People who mean everything to me."
"K knows what she's doing with him. She had nights with him before, when he spent every evening at the club." God, I don't need the reminder, and I wince at the flashes to how the club used to be. When Dom had nights devoted to the girls, mostly Ruby, but sometimes partook of the others.
"She doesn't have to anymore though. That's my burden to carry now, and I'll never let her surrender to him again. He's worse, Aura. Far worse than he was when he had K last." I knew she wouldn't understand, but a part of me thinks she'll let me leave without waking the girls.
"I don't doubt that. Which is why I am begging you to stay here, with us. We can fight him off together." Her tone turns pleading, frantic to keep me here and with them.
I wish I could, more than anything. I wish I could.
"You know I can't, Aura. You have to let me go, let me take care of this part so you guys don't have to. I hope you find a way to end this. Dom, The Nation. All of it. And I hope I'm still around to see it when you do." I speak the words on a resolved yet sad voice. She has to know this is it for me, and I can see her own acquiescence when her head falls forward and she runs her palms over her face in frustration.
She's quiet for a few minutes, but then looks up with a new determination on her face. Something pulls at her lips briefly before disappearing again. "You know, there are things in this world we will never understand. Never." She pauses and reaches for her mug to take another sip. "I used to think that only applied to my past. To the cult, my childhood—my abusers. I could never understand them or their belief system now."
Her eyes turn soft, and her voice is laced with an edge that's powerful and firm. "I don't understand why you can't see that we can all fix this. Together. But I'll let you leave, only because I know we'll get you back. Because I know the second K realizes you're gone, you'll have a far bigger hell to pay than what I could do now to make you stay."
I watch her for a moment, the tiniest shreds of my mind pulling tightly in opposite directions. Subtle thoughts whispering in the darkness—what if I stayed? What if I simply refused to go back to him?
But every single time, there's only one thought that keeps me grounded in my decision.
What if he finds K? Because of me?
I nod with a small smile, before turning without another word and walking out K's front door. I release the weight of these mental hypotheticals and settle into my own decision. Forcing a deep breath, I hurry down the hallway of her complex, quick to the elevator and out the front of the building before I pull my phone out and dial the number Dom called me from last.
"Sunflower," he answers on the last ring, making me wait in internal turmoil while I walk as far away from her complex as I can.
"Pick me up?" I ask, hurrying across the street and around the corner.
"Are you ready to serve? To ask for forgiveness?" His voice is deep and rough against my ears. Explicit syllables of promises he surely aims to deliver. There's an edge of anticipation and dare I say, excitement, in his words.
"Yes," I try to keep my words short and my emotions to a minimum. I'll be able to make it several blocks away before he actually gets to me.
"It will be a process, Sunflower. Many sacrifices will have to be made now."
Sacrifices.
What does that word signify now? As in human sacrifices? In rituals? Or in my honor and duty to The Nation? In cleansing sessions?
But I don't think the definition matters at this point. I'm hoping the girls will be able to put a stop to him before he hurts anyone else.
"I'm ready to serve, I promise." I repeat myself, my stomach twisting in knots and bile rising up my throat.
"We'll start cleansing, and you'll have your first fight tomorrow night. That will be a step into your journey through forgiveness." He explains
, his voice settling into a satisfactory sound.
My first fight, for fuck’s sake. Instinctually, I don't want to believe this. But I know I must, I know I'll have to do this. So, I resolve. Again, forcing myself to get used to this.
"Yes," I reply dryly. "Pick me up on 4th and Daxton?"
"Yes, what? Show your respect and gratitude," he bites out and the burst of irritation actually catches me off guard. It isn't like him to show much anger.
"Yes, my Prophet. I'm incredibly grateful for you, thank you." The words spill out of my mouth like poison. Forced thankfulness in which I loathe to give him.
I could never be grateful for this.
"I'll be there in twenty minutes. Do not keep me waiting, do you understand?" He pushes harder, and I can already feel his toxic energy burning to be taken out against me. "Or I will make those you love suffer. It's not even a question anymore as to who that would be."
K.
God, I fucking knew it. As horrid as this is, I'm glad to be going back and keeping her safe.
"I understand. I promise, I'll be waiting." I quickly surrender to him, anxious to force his attention on me and away from the girls. "Use me as you need, I'm willing."
"Very good girl, Sunflower. You'll be blessed once you've repented and paid for your sins."
He hangs up on the other line and I continue hurrying through the streets toward the location I gave him. It'll take me almost twenty minutes to get there myself and my mind spirals with thoughts of what's coming to me.
I don't want to imagine what these sacrifices are, what my cleansing sessions will look like now.
But I know this must be done. This is for the better good, my sacrifice keeping others safe.
Keeping K safe.
That's all that matters.
I need to see her.
We've been dancing along this line for too long now. My head is constantly spinning with thoughts of her, visions of her figure, her laughter, her wildly chaotic hair and shining eyes.
I sound pathetic. I know. But fuck, I've never felt like this around anyone before. Especially not other girls.
I'm racing home from school today, the rain pelting my shoulders and stinging my skin in a way that actually invigorates me.
A little bit of pleasure along with the pain and I can't wait to tell Lyp about it when I see her.
She loves the rain too. Probably for different reasons than I do, but that's okay. We can climb up to her roof and sit there together.
Soaked bodies. Hesitantly touching hands. Simply being close to each other.
Images of her smiling, laughing against her rain drenched knees tucked tightly against her chest flash through my mind. I lean forward, venturing to graze my fingers along her jaw when her face tilts into my palm.
Fuck, I'm already losing myself in her. In the narrative I've built inside of my head.
She's my best fucking friend and the only person I've let close since losing my mom.
Well, I didn't necessarily let her close to me. She forced herself in, showing me things I never expected to feel with her. Before I could even put up the walls I needed too, she had already made her own space inside of me.
Claiming me. Staking her place. Showing me what life could be outside of my fucked up family and destroyed home life.
I hurry down my street, my sweatshirt and jeans now drenched in the storm breaking above me.
My house comes into sight, a small, white manufactured space at the end of this street. It's falling apart now, the lawn overgrown in months of not being mowed, weeds and trash strewn about the yard. The siding of our house is peeling in places, and hell, even melted in others where a small fire lit the yard after my dad and brother started it.
They laughed, while my mom ran inside and brought out the extinguisher. She was stressed, her wild blonde hair falling freely down her back when she put it out on her own.
My dad and brother were reamed inside the house afterwards, and they cleaned up the mess when she forced them.
But she's gone now, and my family has drowned in new places of toxicity and vile decisions.
I finally reach my front door and find it cracked open, so I slow my movements and step inside. Scanning the area for a stranger, I realize there's no one here. Strange, since the door was left open, but it could have been my brother or dad before they left the house.
The counters are spilling with filthy dishes, dirt and leftover drugs scatter the floors and living room table.
It's disgusting. But I can't convince my family to stop selling or using—I've tried. And had my ass beat for it.
Shutting the door behind me, I try to clean up a few things before heading over to Lyp's. Turning on the sink and rinsing a few dishes, I open the washer to load them but find it crammed full of dirty ones already.
"Shit," I mutter, irritation in my voice when I shut it and open the cabinet under the sink for soap. "You've got to be fucking kidding me." Nothing. There's nothing there. Which is why this hasn't been ran yet. Would anyone else run to the store to pick up essentials? No fucking way. Always me.
I turn around, dropping the dishes in the sink in frustration when I see our dog lying next to the couch. I move toward him, the little French bulldog, Ralphie, and run my hands along his fur when I tilt his head up to look at me.
"Jesus Christ," I bite out, realizing he's lying in his own urine and feces are caked along his fur. "What the fuck, Ralphie?" My voice turns sad and bitter resentment suddenly replaces the anger I was feeling over the dishes. I'll bring him to Lyp's, we can clean him up over there and maybe, she can keep him for a few days while I get the house fixed up.
Something falls in the back room, clattering to the ground and catching my attention.
Shit, someone is here.
My skin pulls tight and eerie shivers race up my spine. I slowly stand, taking silent steps toward the back of the house as I near the room. Muffled voices are quickly speaking behind the door and when I press my ear to the surface, I immediately recognize the sounds.
It's only my dad and brother. So, I'm not sure why they're hiding out back here to have some sort of conversation. They don't give a flying fuck if I'm around, talking about deals, drugs, which girls they've fucked and when. All of it painfully graces my ears.
"She's too close," I think it's my dad saying this. He sounds irritated and impatient.
"It's going to be too hard if we ask K to dump her." My brother this time.
What the fuck?
"Yeah yeah yeah, I fucking get that. K won't, she's too much of a cunt. She'd fight back." Thanks, Dad.
"So, what do we do? Scare her off? Take care of her ourselves?" My brother pauses and I hear some shuffling around on the other side of the door. "If something were to happen, K wouldn't know it was us. And if we could get rid of Calypso permanently, Dom would set us up for life."
My heart explodes, thundering in my chest when I realize they're discussing Lyp. Getting rid of her? Permanently? Fuck no. Over my dead fucking body.
I shove the door open with my shoulder; my rage filled gaze colliding with those of my family. My fucking blood.
"What in the actual fuck do you think you're talking about?" I shout, clenching and releasing my fists at my sides as I try to stop myself from going after them in violence.
"Shit," my dad groans in frustration and steps forward, but I raise my fists in front of me immediately. "Fuck you, girl."
My brother comes at me from the side, gripping my wrists and tightly shoving me back against the wall. Dad steps closer, his large frame crowding me in against the stained and paint peeled wall at my back.
"Well now we have even bigger problems," my brother mumbles, shifting next to my dad so I can't escape either of them. I attempt ripping my hands away from my brother, but my dad slaps me across the face so harshly I fall still.
Heavy and rapid breaths are falling from my lungs. I try to steady them but the anger boiling in my chest is deteriorating my ability to stay calm.<
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"I swear to fucking god, you touch Lyp, and I'll murder you both. No questions, no hesitations."
"You don't have a fucking choice in this, baby sister." He laughs, and my dad drops his head in clear annoyance.
God, this is so like them. So, fucking selfish, focused on drugs and money and nothing else.
I don't know how my mom survived as long as she did.
"She came by the house earlier and saw all the drugs. Overheard a deal we have going with Dominique. She can't come around here anymore K. But she's already heard too fucking much." My dad tries to explain this to me, but I couldn't care less what she saw or heard. She has nothing to do with them.
"So? Lyp's been here a thousand times. You don't think she knows you guys are fucking junkies?" I grind the words through clenched teeth while absently wondering if I could get away with nailing my dad in the fucking dick.
Hit. Another one. This time harder.
My dad's hand wraps tightly around my jaw as my brother slips his slimy hand over my stomach. My eyes dart to him and I fucking spit, catching him in the eye when he launches a punch to my ribs.
I cough uncontrollably, gasping and trying to fall forward while desperate to breathe against the pain.
"Are you finished being a bitch, K?" my dad says, suddenly sounding bored at the intervention taking place. "It's simple, really. I don't care if Lyp has seen anything before. I didn't know about it then, I know about it now. So, she's done. You don't have to be there, your brother and I will handle it tonight."
Fucking Christ. This has to be some serious fucked up joke.
"No way, you aren't touching her." I say again, this time my voice slipping into something far more desperate and terrified.
My family has been slipping farther and farther off the edge over the last few years. Each crime becoming less of an object in their way and more of an opportunity to further their careers. I never would have believed they could actually kill someone, but fuck, I think I hardly know them at all anymore.
"Tie her up in the doghouse tonight. Until we're finished." My dad suddenly steps back and away from me, and my head spirals at every attempt I can make to stop this. What the hell can I do to keep her safe?