Levinia didn’t know how to comfort her distraught sister. She didn’t even know how to get that kind of money back. It was more money than she’d probably seen in her lifetime.
“Let’s get you home. Nate and I don’t want to be out all night running you home.”
Bethany sighed. “With you married now, Bess offered me the job here. Now that I am out of money, I think I’ll take it. Besides, I’m still not ready to go home. Daed may have had a change of heart, but I need to know it’s sincere before I commit to going back home.”
Levinia nodded knowingly. “I suppose I don’t blame you. If this doesn’t work out, you can always fall back on your other idea.”
Bethany looked at her curiously. “What idea?”
“Because Daed has had a change of heart, perhaps now would be a gut time to approach him about mamm’s bakery. Especially if you don’t intend to go back home right away. Talk to him about it now, so that if he gets angry, you won’t have to live with him.”
They both giggled.
“It’s definitely something to think about,” Bethany said. “Maybe I should bring it up after you give him the news of his first grandkinner.”
Levinia blushed. “Ach, we have only been married less than an hour, and already you have me pregnant? I honestly think I’d like to wait a year to have mei first boppli because I’d like to spend some time with mei new husband first.”
Bethany giggled. “Well, I hear it takes about that long to have a boppli, so your plan will work out just fine for you!”
Levinia swatted in the air toward her sister.
“That isn’t funny. I meant I wanted to wait at least a year before even getting pregnant.”
“Ach, gut luck with that!”
Levinia shook her head. She wasn’t going to admit that her sister knew more than she did when it came to men, but she was certainly eager to find out for herself. Levinia hated to see her younger sister so discouraged, but she had a new husband waiting for her.
“Speaking of which, mei new husband is waiting very patiently for us. Are you going or are you staying?”
Bethany let out a breath of defeat. “I suppose I have no choice but to stay. But are you sure you don’t want to help me try to find Miriam and mei money?”
“I think we should leave all this in Gott’s hands. If she took that money, Gott will find a way to get it back to you.”
“I pray that you are right, dear schweschder,” Bethany said, blowing out another defeating breath.
CHAPTER 2
Miriam lurched forward, straining desperately to heave panicky gasps of air back into her lungs. Her face stung and her thoughts pulsated in correlation with the pain that engulfed her. Warmth dripped down the side of her face.
Blood.
Her ribcage would not yield to the shallow puffs of air she dragged in. Why couldn’t she breathe? She felt wet earth beneath her fingertips, though she didn’t comprehend her immediate surroundings. She listened, but all she could hear was the sound of her own cries.
Something floated down whimsically beside her.
Twenty-dollar-bills.
Several of them.
It was the money she’d stolen from Bethany to teach her a lesson. But why were they sailing through the air? Each bill assaulted her, whipping at her like sheets of rain in heavy wind.
What had she done?
Is Gott punishing me?
She clenched the bills, each one she could get her hands on. She scrambled across the ground gathering them with desperation.
Someone touched her shoulder.
Adam.
Her gaze focused on the commotion behind him.
An up-turned buggy, wheel still rolling.
She followed the trail of tire marks on the wet pavement to a small car that had careened off into the ditch.
They’d been hit by a car.
Miriam staggered toward the downed horse.
He lifted his head and struggled to get to his feet.
He was alright, just trapped beneath the harnesses that bound him to the overturned buggy.
Was she alright?
Her shoulder hurt. Her face stung. Her head pounded.
She let the money drop to her feet and lifted a hand to her face. She touched her cheek, running her fingers down a laceration the full length of her face. She pulled her hand away, bringing her wet fingers up in front of her to examine them.
Blood.
Lots of it.
“Miriam, you’re hurt. Sit down.”
It was Adam’s voice she heard, but she wasn’t comprehending what he was trying to say to her.
Was she hurt? She didn’t know.
She guessed it would account for the blood and the pain she felt. Or did she? Her vision was dizzying, and it confused her.
Sirens interrupted her thoughts, if she really had any that made any sense. Looking down at the money swirling about her feet, she bent to pick it up.
She’d lost a shoe.
“I can’t find my shoe,” she said frantically.
“I’ll find it for you,” Adam offered. “But first, let the paramedics take a look at you.”
People were talking to her, but she didn’t want their help. She needed to find her shoe.
And she needed to find the rest of the money so she could return it to Bethany.
She still had Levinia’s wedding dress.
She would never have a use for it.
She would never love again.
Miriam succumbed to the dizziness, then all went black.
CHAPTER 3
Miriam tried to move, but everything ached. She fluttered her heavy lashes.
Someone was talking to her.
“We were unable to give you anything but non-narcotic pain meds because of the pregnancy,” a female voice said while holding Miriam’s wrist.
Miriam forced her eyes open, focusing on a nurse taking her pulse.
“W-what?” Miriam whispered.
The nurse let her wrist drop gently against the bed and made a note in her chart.
“I said, you might still be in a lot of pain because we can’t give you anything stronger than Tylenol for the pain because of your pregnancy. We did an ultrasound and everything is just fine. That little one is tough to survive that accident.” The nurse stopped to look at Miriam, who had said nothing. “You’re about twelve weeks along. You did know you were pregnant, didn’t you?”
Miriam closed her eyes.
She couldn’t answer.
She was too ashamed to face the truth she had ignored until now.
She knew she was pregnant.
The test had come up positive.
It was the reason she’d tried to force Nate to marry her. She knew that if she were to marry the father of her child, an Englischer, she would lose the family she’d been adopted into. It was the only family she’d ever known, and she feared her actions had caused her to lose them. Without an Amish husband, she would have to leave the community.
It didn’t matter now.
She’d already been banned.
She now knew she would not have been able to convince anyone that the child was Nate’s. She was too far along. When she’d thought up the crazy plan, she’d had no idea how far along she was. Now, she had no idea what she was going to do with herself or even what she would do with a child. She was just a child, herself—barely twenty, and unwed. Tears ran down her cheeks from her closed eyes, as she listened to the nurse leave the room.
She was all alone.
And that was how she would be—even with a baby to care for. A million thoughts ran through her head. Her own mother had given her away. Had her mother been in the same bad spot she was in? Had her birth-mother made the same mistake she had made? She would have to do the same thing to her child that was done to her—she would have to give the child up to strangers to raise.
She had no other choice.
She couldn’t take care of a child without a husband. She had no job and no mone
y. The Amish family that adopted her would not help her care for the child. They would try to force her to marry the father of the child, but when they discovered he was an Englischer, that would be the end of her relationship with her family. It didn’t matter because Ray would never marry her now that she had hurt him so badly.
She no husband, no job, no roof over her head, no money, and no hope.
Even the money she’d stolen from Bethany was gone—blown away in the streets after the accident. Her intention was just to borrow the money, and she was going to send it back to her after she’d gotten settled into a place and gotten a job. Now it was gone, and not only would she have to find a way to pay back that money, but she would also have to find a way to support herself now that she’d left home.
She could never go back now—she would be shunned if she wasn’t already.
Where was she to go?
She needed a place to stay, but there would be no one in this community that would take her in after the Bishop ran her out of the community. Not to mention the fact she was pregnant out of wedlock.
What was she to do?
She couldn’t go home to Ohio, and she couldn’t stay here in Indiana. She certainly couldn’t stay in this hospital too much longer. Sooner or later, even they would make her leave.
Tears filled her eyes. She’d made a mess of her life, and now she’d made a mess of the life of an innocent child just as her own mother had. She always told herself she would not grow up to be like the woman who had given her away, but here she was in the same predicament. Her child would suffer from her mistakes, just as she had suffered from her birth-mother’s mistakes. It just wasn’t fair. Was Gott punishing her? Had Gott had a reason to punish her own birth mother for the same reason?
Miriam placed her hands over her abdomen and sobbed even harder. “I’m so sorry I did this to you. I was trying to grow up too soon, and now I’ve made a mess of both our lives. I hope you understand that I can’t take care of you. Please forgive me for wrecking your life before it really starts. I hope someday you can forgive me.”
She was sobbing so hard she could barely get the words out, but they were too important not to say.
She wondered if her own mother had spoken the same words to her before she’d given her up. She would have liked to have known her mother, and especially the reason the woman had let her go. She’d always resented her birth mother for giving her up, and thought of her as a coward who took the easy way out. But she was beginning to understand that perhaps what her birth mother had done was the bravest, most responsible thing she could have done for Miriam.
If Miriam had her way, she would be married, and keeping her child would not be a second thought—it would be an automatic one. One that she wouldn’t even have to consider because it would be a given that she would raise her child.
But now—well, now things were different.
She couldn’t keep her child—that was the given.
CHAPTER 4
“Miriam, you have a visitor,” her nurse said. “Do you feel up to seeing anyone?”
She didn’t respond.
She didn’t care.
With her back to the door, she continued to stare out the window at the cold, October wind blowing sheets of rain sideways. It was a miserable day to match her miserable mood.
Hearing footsteps, she pulled the bed-sheet over her face, hoping to hide the large bandage that covered her cheek from the corner of her right eye to just below her chin. She’d been told that her face had suffered a tear that had required thirty-seven stitches, and would most likely leave her scarred for life.
On top of everything else, she’d been stripped of the one thing she had always been sure of—her physical beauty. It was what she felt linked her to her birth-mother, from whom she was a mirror likeness. Her adoptive mother had given her a photograph when Miriam was young—before the woman had passed away giving birth to her own child.
Miriam had an older brother, her adoptive parent’s natural child. Her adoptive mother had suffered many miscarriages since his birth, and was not supposed to have any more children, but she’d become pregnant again. Thinking she was out of the woods at full-term, she’d suffered unforeseen complications. She and the baby had both perished, leaving Miriam at the age of seven to be raised by her adoptive father and brother who was four years her senior.
Miriam wasn’t up for any more pain or heartache. And she certainly wasn’t in the mood for anyone to come and gloat over her misfortune. The only people she knew in this town disliked her, and they would certainly ridicule her over her present appearance.
She heard the padding of soft footsteps entering her room.
“Go away,” she whispered.
“I was hoping to meet you sooner, and under different circumstances,” a kind, female voice said quietly. “But I only just learned you were here in Indiana.”
Miriam didn’t respond. She assumed the woman would realize she’d walked into the wrong room and leave just as quickly as she’d come in.
“I’m Claudia, Ray’s mom. With Ray back in Ohio with his dad, I thought this would give us an opportunity to get to know one another.”
Miriam felt her heart make a sudden somersault behind her ribcage. What was Ray’s mother doing here, and what did she want with Miriam? Didn’t she know she and Ray had broken up?
“How did you know I was here?” Miriam asked the woman without turning around.
“Your friend, Nate called looking for Ray and explained you were here. He thought Ray might want to see you.”
My friend, Nate? That’s funny! He’s never been a friend. If Nate sent word to Ray, then he must know I’m pregnant. She’s only here because she knows about the baby.
Humiliation rose up in Miriam. The last thing she wanted was for this woman to meddle in her business. It was tough enough on her to sort this out for the best interest of her and the baby. But now, she would have someone trying to influence her decision when her mind was already made up.
“You shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry you wasted your time, but I’m giving up the baby and no one is going to make me change my mind. It’s what is best for it. I don’t know how to be a mother because I never really had one, and I certainly can’t support a child—I have no money and no job and nowhere to even go when they kick me out of here.”
The woman sat down in the chair beside the bed and placed a gentle hand on Miriam’s arm. “I didn’t know you were pregnant. I only came here because Ray had told me so much about you. He loves you very much.”
“He doesn’t love me anymore,” Miriam said with a shaky voice. “I hurt him by trying to marry another man. Didn’t he tell you what a mess I’ve made of everything?”
Miriam choked back tears that seemed to want to flow despite every effort she made to stop them. She felt the woman’s hand patting her arm gently.
“He told me about that, but I figured you probably had a pretty good reason for doing what you did. Especially since Nate is such a good friend to you still that he would call to let Ray know how you were doing.”
“He probably just wanted to humiliate me. He was probably hoping Ray would come and see me at my worst. I’ve got a huge gash in my face that is going to leave an ugly scar, and I’m knocked up and all alone. What better revenge could Nate find against me than the mess I’ve made of my own life?”
“When I got pregnant for Ray, I was alone and scared like I’m sure you are right now. I wasn’t married to his father, and I was only seventeen years old. My parents tried to make me give him up, but I thought it was best to keep him and raise him myself. I can’t say it wasn’t tough raising him alone. It certainly would have been easier if his father had married me, but he wasn’t in love with me. He wanted another girl. He married her, and they were divorced a year later. But at that time, Ray’s father decided to take an active role in his life. Even though we couldn’t make it work as a family, we did manage to raise him together. He’s better off for it, I think. Ra
y says so.
He knows I was a young unwed mother and faced with having to give him up for adoption. He says he’s glad I kept him, but he also knows it wasn’t easy for me. Did I make the right decision? There is really no way of ever knowing that because I don’t know if he and I would have been better off if I’d let someone else raise him. Times were tough, but the love was always there. It sounds as if you’ve made up your mind, but if you should change it, I’d be willing to help you.
My parents didn’t support my decision, and they let me do it alone. I believe if I’d had someone to help me through raising a child on my own, it might not have been such a struggle. But I would do it all over again if I had to. Keeping a child and raising it on your own is not an easy decision, and certainly not for one who is weak. It takes a strong person to handle that kind of responsibility.”
“I don’t think I’m that strong,” Miriam muttered under her breath.
“Ray is that strong,” she said.
“He doesn’t want me in his life. No one does. I’m shunned from the community here, and I will be shunned from my own community if I try to return home. I only wanted to marry Nate because he is Amish and I didn’t want to be alone and lose my adopted family. If I married an Englischer I would have lost them. But none of that matters now because I’ve already lost them. I have no family now.”
“Since you are carrying my son’s child; that makes us family,” Claudia said in a comforting tone.
Miriam turned slowly in the hospital bed, wincing against the pain that still pounded in her head. Focusing on the woman sitting beside her, she noticed right away that Ray had the same coarse blonde hair, and his eyes were the same greenish-blue. She seemed young, but Miriam supposed that was due to the young age at which she’d had Ray.
Could she trust this woman? She almost didn’t have any other choice. Still, she didn’t want the woman taking an interest in helping her simply because she didn’t want Miriam giving up her son’s child for adoption. She couldn’t raise a child when she had no idea of where she was even going to live, or how she was going to survive without a job. There would be no help from the community because of the pregnancy; that was for sure and for certain.
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