CHAPTER 15
Miriam stumbled sleepily into the kitchen, hoping to find some fresh coffee. She could smell it, but worried there wouldn’t be any left since she’d gotten up late. She’d tossed and turned so much during the night over all the stress of Ray’s announcement last night, that she hadn’t fallen asleep until nearly four-thirty this morning.
Now noon, she was certain she would be alone in the house. Claudia would be at her store, and Ray was surely busy setting up his new business his father had promised to help him with. She shuffled up to the counter and pulled a clean coffee cup from the cupboard and held it under the spout on the coffee-maker. Fresh, hot coffee drained into her cup while her heart did a somersault behind her ribcage. If there was hot coffee, someone was home besides her. Looking up, she spotted Ray sitting at the small table just off the kitchen sipping a steaming cup.
I should have stayed in my room, she grumbled to herself.
“I was hoping you’d get up while I was here getting a little lunch. I’ve already put in a full day’s work, but I suppose you probably had a little trouble sleeping last night with all the excitement of yesterday.”
Miriam forced a smile, but quickly let it go when the expression cinched her wound. Her hand instinctively went up to her cheek, holding the bandage against the tightness. She wondered if she would ever be able to really smile again—but not just because she worried about breaching her wound. A sadness filled her at the sight of Ray, knowing that marrying Adam would never be able to fill that void in her heart.
He rushed to her side. “Are you in pain?”
She shook her head, unable to look at him without worrying she would cry.
“Are you ill? My mother told me you would probably get sick a lot in the beginning of your pregnancy.”
She shook her head again, hoping she could convince him. She knew if she let on how she was feeling, he would take her in his strong arms, and she would be powerless to escape his loving embrace.
She wanted to be his fraa, but that just wasn’t possible. But she could allow him to hold her, couldn’t she? No, that could be too risky. She would never want to give him up, but she had to.
Lord, please give me the strength to resist this mann’s love.
He closed the space between them, causing her to take an instinctive step backward.
“Come here, Darlin’, and let me hold you. You’re shaking.”
She clenched her jaw to keep her teeth from chattering. Her nerves were causing bile to form in her throat. Her willfulness was ineffective against his persistence. He had her in his arms before she could put up her defenses. This was where she wanted to be; it was where she was meant to be. But she couldn’t—could she? Should she?
His mouth found her neck as he leaned down to deepen the hug. Sweet kisses tickled her neck as he swept his lips over her jawline and to her cheek, where they suddenly consumed her mouth. Giving in to his passion, Miriam couldn’t help but deepen the kiss. She couldn’t stop herself. She wanted him for a husband in every way. She wanted to raise their child with him. She even wanted that happily ever after with him.
Reality made her heart skip a beat.
It made her throat constrict with tears.
If she didn’t push him away, the reality would surely suffocate her.
It would pull her further down into the depression she’d settled into.
With a gentle nudge, Miriam separated from him. Her eyes closed, and her breathing came in jagged gasps.
“What’s wrong, Darlin’?” Ray asked.
She held her hands up in front of her, eyes still closed. “I—can’t.”
She felt him making a subtle attempt at pulling her back into his arms, but she remained too rigid for him to embrace her without force.
“I want us to be a family, Miriam. That’s why I went ahead and purchased that farm on Willow Creek this morning.”
Her eyes flung open, and she stared him down.
“You did what?”
“My dad went with me this morning and he paid cash for the farm. He wrote up a mortgage for me to take over. I’ve been over there for two hours already taking inventory of all the supplies we need to fix the place up.”
He looked at Miriam, who stared blankly at him.
“Well, aren’t you going to say something?”
She hiccupped as she tried to pull in a deep breath. “You shouldn’t have bought that place. Not for me. Not for us. I’m still planning on marrying Adam.”
His face drained of all color.
“Why?” he asked, barely above a whisper.
“I must.”
Ray clutched her arms gently, desperation in his eyes. “But you just kissed me! I thought you—loved me.”
She didn’t dare admit her love for him. If she did, he would never let her go, and he had to. She needed him to release her from the guilt that plagued her. The guilt had taken up residence in her mind, embedding itself like a nightmare.
Who was she kidding?
This was certainly a nightmare, and one she couldn’t wake up from.
“I still intend on marrying Adam. Please don’t make me say it again. He will be taking me to Sunday service, and our wedding will be published then.”
“If you think I’m going to stand by and let you marry another Amish man, then you don’t know me at all.”
Miriam narrowed her gaze on Ray.
“Another Amish man? I didn’t marry the first one—but I will be marrying this one—and you won’t be able to stand in my way. My mind is made up.”
“Then change it, because I’m not letting you go,” he said as he stormed out of the kitchen door.
Miriam watched him tuck his head against the wind as he walked out toward the wooded area behind his mother’s house. She was momentarily tempted to take him his coat, which he’d left on the hook by the door, but she decided it was best to let him cool off.
CHAPTER 16
Miriam wiped a fresh tear to keep it from soiling the doll she was stitching by hand. Sewing the dolls was just what she needed to keep her idle hands busy until she recovered from the accident, but there was nothing that could keep her idle thoughts from turning to Ray. They’d had an argument, and Miriam had reasoned with herself now more than ever that it was simply not meant to be between the two of them.
The sound of buggy wheels grinding against the concrete driveway, and the hollow sound of the horse’s steady, clip-clop as it drew nearer to the house, startled her from her depressing thoughts. She peered out the blinds to see Adam pulling his horse into the circle driveway.
Her heart thumped hard and fast. Not with excitement over her betrothed, but with dread. The kind of dread that fills you with the deepest form of regret and shame, it’s too unbearable to live with.
Adam wasn’t supposed to come for her until Sunday. Today was Wednesday. What could he possibly be doing here so soon?
Her first instinct was to go back to her room and not answer the door, but she knew she had to face him sooner or later. Best to get it over with so she could go about the business of making the dolls to pay back her debt to Bethany, and put aside a little for the baby. She couldn’t afford the interruption right now, but this was all part of her growing up and taking responsibility for the mistakes she’d made.
Miriam jumped as the footfalls on the porch concluded with a ring to the doorbell. It startled her, as she was not used to hearing the sound of the Englischer device. It struck her as odd that Adam would ring the doorbell instead of knocking, but, perhaps he might think someone was home with her. Was it possible that he knew Ray was here?
A new thought occurred to her.
Worry suddenly flooded her thoughts as she wondered what would happen if Ray were to intercept Adam’s visit and show his disapproval. She supposed it was an inevitable happenstance, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t avoid the opportunity at all cost.
Miriam lifted her still-aching body from the leather recliner and went to the door befor
e the bell rang a second time. She pasted a smile on her face and swung open the door as if she was happy to see Adam. No sense in giving him a reason to back out of marrying her.
“Gudemariye,” she said just the way her mamm had taught her when she was little. Miriam had, for the most part, spoken as an Englischer ever since her mamm’s funeral, making every effort to lose her accent. It had been what had separated her from her adopted father and brother—her unwillingness to adhere to the Amish way of life.
Now, as she spoke to Adam, she intended to prove she would make a smart match for him in every way—right down to carrying on the use of their language to child she now carried, and any future kinner she would bear for him.
She felt suddenly dizzy and sick to her stomach at the thought of having the same intimate relationship she’d had with Ray. She couldn’t imagine being that submissive to anyone other than Ray, whom she loved.
Adam leaned in and awkwardly kissed her forehead. It happened so quickly she didn’t have time to react.
“Do you think you might be up to a buggy ride?”
Her heart quickened its pace and her cheeks flushed. She wasn’t ready, but she supposed she had to start trusting him at some point. After all, he was to be her husband in only a few short days.
“Jah,” she said, suddenly feeling very fake.
“Where would you like to go?”
Miriam didn’t have to think about it. If she was to remain in this community as Adam’s fraa, there would be a lot of fences for her to mend. She would have to start with the hardest one—Bethany. She not only owed her an apology, she would have to settle her debt with the girl before she made her confession to the Bishop prior to the wedding.
After voicing her destination to Adam, they were on their way down the long driveway to the main road that led back to Willow Creek. She occupied her mind with the layout of the house Ray had bought for the two of them to pass the time it took to travel, and to keep her mind from getting anxious over being in Adam’s buggy again.
In her mind’s eye, she mentally furnished the home, while Ray started a crackling fire, where she would sit in the hand-carved rocking chair with their baby at her breast. It was only a dream, but it was a good dream—one that she shared with Ray.
But here she was, sitting beside Adam—her betrothed, thinking of Ray tinkering around the home he would fix up just for the three of them.
The three of them.
It had a nice sound to it. She could see him cuddling and cooing their baby, and then handing him or her back to its mamm—her!
No matter how many times she told herself, she still couldn’t comprehend what it would be like to be a mamm. Claudia told her it would happen in an instant the first time she held the wee one, but she worried she lacked the natural instincts to care for a child. She was already convinced Ray would love their child, and she knew she had the same love in her heart, but she’d been raised by two men, and they weren’t exactly the mothering types.
“We’re here,” Adam announced.
Miriam reluctantly let go of her daydream, ready to face the reality that had become her life.
CHAPTER 17
Miriam’s heart drummed against her ribcage at the sight of the B&B. How had they gotten there so soon? She wasn’t ready for what she was about to do, but she took a deep breath and stepped out of the buggy regardless. Her shaky legs refused to take her any further until Adam slipped his arm around her shoulder and gently guided her toward the house. Her first instinct was to shrug him off, but she was so shaky, she feared she might faint if not for his hold on her. It made her feel like an invalid, but she didn’t care at the moment. Her only concern was how she would broach the subject of her debt with Bethany.
The front door swung open as she approached the porch, and Bethany stood there with a smug look on her face. Though she knew she deserved nothing less from Bethany, Miriam felt the sting of her disdain.
“I came to apologize,” Miriam immediately offered.
Bethany posted her fists on her hips. “I should think so after everything you did to hurt mei schweschder and me.”
You forgot to say how I deserve everything that’s happened to me, Miriam thought.
“I’m truly sorry for what I did, and I wanted you to know I intend to pay back every bit of the money I took from you.”
Bethany looked at Miriam to see if she detected truthfulness. She couldn’t tell. “You mean, poor Adam, here, is going to have to pay back your debt after he marries you!”
“Nee,” Miriam said holding out a finished doll she held in her hands. “I’m making these for a store downtown that Ray’s mother owns. She’s letting me sell them and keep the profits.”
Bethany examined the doll’s fine stitching.
“How long do you think that will last after you marry Adam instead of Ray?”
“The offer was not conditional,” Miriam said defensively. “It is for the boppli, not for me.”
Bethany skewed her mouth. “I hope you’re right.”
Miriam pursed her lips, but held her tongue.
“I came to say my peace, and to give this to Levinia. I don’t imagine she is here anymore as she’s married now, but would you give it to her with my apology?”
Bethany took the doll. “I’ll give her the doll, but I think the apology should come from you.”
Miriam nodded agreement. “Danki.”
She looped her arm in the crook of Adam’s elbow and allowed him to assist her down the stairs of the large, wraparound porch, and into his buggy. It was there that she realized just how long of a road it was going to be before the members of the community accepted her again. She’d really messed things up for herself here, but she hoped to redeem herself with her change in attitude, and the true remorse she held in her heart.
****
A knock at the door startled Miriam. She’d fallen asleep in the recliner with a half-sewn doll in her hands and hadn’t heard anyone approach the house. The afternoon spent with Adam had stressed her out so much she’d worn herself out with worry. He’d been kind to her, and a perfect gentleman, but that was exactly the problem. He’d been so nice it had caused more guilt to build up in her over marrying him.
Miriam forced herself out of the recliner to answer the door, though she was in no mood to see anyone. But since it was Claudia’s home, she figured that as a guest, she’d better see to the door in case it was something or someone important.
Surprise filled Miriam at the sight of Levinia standing on the porch, her blue wedding dress draped over her arms.
Levinia held the dress out to her. “I thought you might need this for your wedding. I cleaned it for you. There isn’t a trace of mess after what mei schweschder did to it. Bethany gave me the doll you sewed for me. Danki. I’m certain you will make a fair amount of money selling them. Your stitching is very gut.
Bethany asked me to tell you that she doesn’t expect the money to be returned to her all at once. You can take your time in paying her back a little at a time. We know you need the money for your boppli, and Bethany has changed her mind about getting a car with the money—after what happened. We are both very sorry for what happened to you.”
A lump formed in Miriam’s throat. She didn’t deserve such kindness from either of them, but they had both extended it nonetheless.
“Won’t you come in for some tea?” Miriam asked, opening the door fully and stepping back to let her first guest in.
“Danki.”
Levinia followed her into the kitchen after Miriam set her clean dress down on the sofa in the living room. She would fix her guest some tea, and hope to make amends with her. She knew they would probably never be friends, but they would be neighbors, and reside in the same community. Their kinner would be cousins, and for that reason alone, perhaps, just maybe, Levinia might learn to forgive her eventually. For now, she would understand that the clean dress presented to her was a peace offering.
While Miriam and Levinia sipped tea
and nibbled on fresh-baked cookies, they discovered they had just a bit more in common than they could have ever imagined. Miriam was surprised to hear that she and Bethany had also grown up without their mamm. Seeing how well-adjusted they were compared to her, Miriam decided that the two of them might just be a good example to her. They whiled away the afternoon with tales of mischief from their youth, and even shared a few laughs. It was refreshing to Miriam to see that life did not have to be so difficult. That perhaps there was a chance they could someday be gut friends.
CHAPTER 18
Miriam woke early feeling heavier at heart than she had ever felt in her life—even after her mamm had died. Her conscience bothered her about too many things to sleep. The house was quiet—too quiet. At least at her own home, she had chickens that would be clucking, roosters crowing and cows bellowing—all for their morning meal. Here, she had no one to care for, no one to rise for, and no one to feed—yet.
She rolled her hand over the small of her abdomen. She would be showing soon—too soon. Everyone in the community would know she was with child—if they didn’t already. She wasn’t certain how long a pregnancy could be hidden, especially after the gossip that had circulated about one of the girls she’d gone to school with. They weren’t friends, but she’d heard she’d become pregnant before her wedding. It was all the youth in the community talked about.
Miriam wondered if she was being talked about the same way in this community, and if the members of her own community already knew. The gossip-mill among the Amish could be pretty harsh at times. When someone in the community committed a sin, everyone knew. As long as there was a confession, there was forgiveness among the people, but she would forever be used as an example to the other youth.
Forever talked about.
Forever reminded of the sins of her youth.
Would it be the same among the Englisch?
Miriam could no longer take the silence that drove her thoughts. She had to get up—even if it disturbed Ray and Claudia. She had to do something besides lying here awake to contend with her thoughts. She needed to occupy her mind. Though she had several dolls already sewn, and more yet to be sewn, she needed something a little more challenging to do this morning.
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