by Liz Schulte
Before anyone could answer or Birdie could lecture me, a crash sounded from the front of the house.
Thor tore his attention away from the pizza for a moment and perked his ears.
“Well that can’t be good,” I said.
Chapter Five
The four of us rushed to the door that led to the hallway that fed into the front of the house. Thor stayed behind to guard the pizza. Birdie unlocked the door and we hurried to see what the commotion was all about.
The scene that greeted us in the parlor looked like something you might catch in a YouTube video shot over spring break.
Birdie and the aunts hosted a wine and cheese hour every evening they had guests at the inn. So visitors were encouraged to mingle, nibble on an appetizer, sip a cocktail, and then head out for the evening. On nights when they also hosted dinner, they might be treated to Fiona’s piano music or Lolly’s show tunes, or Birdie’s historical stories of the town like when Lincoln spoke from the balcony of the oldest hotel in the state.
Tonight, however, unsupervised and bespelled by goddess knows what, it seemed the tourists had taken it upon themselves to host their own Jerry Springer show.
A dark haired man with glasses and a jacket with leather elbows like professors wore had a younger blonde man, who appeared to have just stepped off a surfboard, in a headlock, screaming about putting his hands where they didn’t belong. The younger man was yelling at the Professor to let him go and futilely trying to swing at him, but the Professor was hell bent on delivering the world’s worst noogie. They tumbled into a side table, shattering it.
Across from them, near the piano, a woman wearing a red sweater dress and enough makeup to choke a Kardashian, was fixing to toss a glass of Champagne in the face of another woman who could have been a shoo-in for a 1950s sitcom.
Before I could intercept, she did.
Next to me, Lolly made a sound like a duckling caught in a storm drain.
There was shouting coming from the landing that led to the three guest rooms at the top of the stairs. I turned my attention to a pencil thin woman with caramel skin and ebony hair trailing down her back. She shouted, “It’s over!” The woman attempted to remove a ring on her left hand. Failing that, she opted instead to punch the six-foot tall bald bodybuilder type standing in front of her. He toppled down the stairs, stunt man style, putting a nice hole in the wall in the process. Then he popped up at the base of the stairs and shouted, “I don’t care! I love her!”
He grinned at the woman with the A-line dress and the June Cleaver hair. She wiggled her fingers back, her face still dripping wet.
The red dress woman caught the exchange, reached for the empty bottle of Champagne and held it over her head as if she were about to strike.
I darted between them and tried to grab the bottle but the shorter woman was a lot stronger than she looked. We played tug-O’-war for a while until she finally let go and I crashed into the piano. Hard. Unfortunately, the bottle was not empty and now I was sticky, wet, and smelled like grape perfume.
“Good goddess, Birdie, do something,” I hissed.
Birdie’s face was a mixture of curious awe, seething anger and utter disbelief. She was speechless. Probably for the first time in her life. Certainly for the first time in mine.
I wasn’t much for breaking up brawls, but this was my family home, it had turned into the frat house from hell, and at the moment, no one else seemed to be handling the situation. Having spent some time in the big city, and having helped out at my cousin’s bar on occasion, not to mention being raised by a woman who once made a man named Hank the Tank cry, I decided there was only one thing to do.
I grabbed Lolly’s tiara off her head and clanked it forcefully against the crystal vase that sat on the buffet. “Everyone. Stop. Right. Now.”
I am not a large person. I’m about 5’ 7” on a good day. I wear a size six jeans. But I’m loud as a bullhorn when the situation calls for it.
After enduring the screeching for a few moments, eventually, everyone put their hands to their own ears instead of around each other’s throats.
I blew out a sigh. “That’s better. Now, all of you, return to your original partners.”
There was a slew of protests until I said, “Do it, dammit! Or I swear to god, I will grab the gong and bang it until the sun comes up.”
We didn’t have a gong (that I knew of), but everyone agreed that a gong was indeed, a form of ear rape.
There was shuffling of feet, bitter mumbling, and rearranging of clothing, but finally, a calm settled over the room. Three couples found themselves in the parlor angry, confused and most likely, a bit horny.
What kind of a spell was this anyway? Because obviously, it had backfired horrendously. Unless… Was there a spirit behind all of this? Some malevolent ghost with a hatred for love who was anti-Valentine’s Day? I could think of a few from Chicago who might have a problem with the fourteenth of February, but here? Why at the inn?
It was apparent I needed to have a private talk with the Geraghty Girls on the ingredients of the enchantment if we were going to get through this weekend without bloodshed. I only hoped we could reverse it.
And if we were being haunted or hexed or whatever, I only hoped we could send whoever it was packing.
Before we could figure any of that out, the doorbell rang.
Chapter Six
“I swear to Venus, if that’s Chip, I will burn all of your capes,” I hissed to my grandmother. They loved their capes. Not only for rituals but to intimidate Jehovah's Witnesses.
Birdie just rolled her eyes.
I stared at the three Geraghty Girls. None of them made a move.
“No, no, I’ll get it.” I trotted down the hall to the front entrance and peered through the damask drape. Standing there in his leather jacket and badge was my ex, Leo.
I slammed my back against the door. No. No. No. This was not happening.
From the parlor, Fiona asked, “Who is it, dear?”
“Just a minute,” I called to Leo.
I hurried back into the sitting room. Birdie and Lolly were gone. The cowards.
“It’s Leo,” I said.
Fiona clapped her hands. “Lovely. Invite him in. We have plenty of food.”
“No, Fiona, I don’t think you are grasping the situation here.” I looked at her pointedly. “I don’t know why he’s here, but I don’t want him affected by the—” I glanced at the guests who had all taken a seat. No one looked comfortable, but I didn’t think it was because of the dainty antique furniture. I whispered, “You know. S-P-E-L-L.”
The Professor piped up, “I teach World Religions. I can spell, young lady.”
“Good for you, Indiana Jones,” I said.
“He taught archeology,” he said.
The woman in the red sweater dress said, “I’m a registered nurse. I can spell too, nitwit.” She glared at me.
Bodybuilder guy said, “I think we can all agree that we’re literate.”
The guests started grumbling at each other again and I was a bit grateful because either they misunderstood me or were too caught up in their own problems to worry about my ramblings.
I sighed. “Everyone, listen up.” I clapped my hands. “The chief of police is here and I’m pretty sure it’s not a welfare check. Now I don’t know if someone here called in a disturbance or if one of the neighbors did, but I can assure you that the man will not leave until I let him in and if none of you want to spend the night in jail for assault and vandalism then I suggest you all put a sock in it and act like the happiest hippos this side of the Mississippi.”
“Did you just call me a hippo?” asked pencil woman.
I said, “Okay, your body image issues aren’t on the table, Missy.” I assessed the room. “Everyone agreed?”
Annoyed frowns all around.
“I can’t hear you,” I said.
Some nodded, some mumbled in agreement.
“Good.”
I took a
deep breath and went to answer the door.
Leo stood there looking as dark, tall and handsome as ever. He had this European edge about him and a perpetual tan that I both admired and envied.
“Hey, Stacy. Didn’t expect to see you here.”
“I have to say the same. What’s going on?”
Leo tried to peek through my arm. “I got a call of a disturbance. Everything okay?”
“Just dandy.” I stood with the door cracked.
Leo had that skeptical look he always got around me. “May I come in?”
“We’re just about to serve dinner.”
Leo frowned. “I have to check out all domestic disturbance calls, Stacy. You know that.”
Fiona, being Fiona, completely forgot the protocol and said, “Of course, Leo. Come in.”
I stepped aside, and as I did, Leo grazed my ear with a whisper. “I hope you got the flowers.”
“Yes. Thank you. They were lovely, all of them.”
I made my way to the far corner of the room and Leo took stock of the situation. His gaze traveled from one unhappy couple to another, spidey senses on full alert. If there was one thing about Leo that I was absolutely certain of it was that he was a damn good cop. It was annoying.
“Everything all right here, folks?” he asked the room.
And just as if I hadn’t said a word, every one of those people started bitching about each other.
“Actually, officer, he assaulted me.”
“And this one bit me!”
“Did not, douchebag.”
“This whore threw a drink at me!”
“Who are you calling a whore, bitch!”
Leo pulled out his notebook and started scribbling. He glanced at me every so often. Once he winked and mouthed, you look hot.
Oh, suckfocket. Leo would never be so unprofessional, even if he was trying to woo me back. Damn this hex.
He continued writing in his pad, and I heard some of the guests insist they wanted to press charges. Others wanted to leave—without the partners they booked the trip with.
I pulled Fiona aside. “This is a disaster. We can’t let anyone leave until we reverse the enchantment. We’ll ruin six lives.”
Fiona said, “I’ve been racking my brain and I cannot come up with a single reversal charm. It’s not in my nature to break a love spell, Stacy. It wouldn’t work even if I tried.”
That was so not comforting. “What do you suggest?”
She grasped my shoulders. “You’ll have to do it. You’ve been studying the Blessed Book. Surely there is something in there that can severe this tether.”
I chewed a nail. “Okay. I’ve been taking notes, so it’s possible there’s something in there. But in the meantime, we need to stall. We need the guests to stay put.”
Fiona looked around the room. “And how should we do that?”
“I’m going with food and Lolly’s special tea.”
Fiona cocked a brow. “That could work. Your grandmother is giving Lolly some medicine now. She should be fully functional. We could add the tea to the wine.”
“Perfect.”
Loudly, I called to the room, “Everyone, dinner is ready. Now, I understand that not everyone got off on the right foot, but it’s nothing a beef Wellington and some lovely wine couldn’t mend. I’m sure the chief has more important matters to attend to than some silly misunderstandings.”
No one moved.
I added, “There will be no refunds.”
That got their attention. There were shrugs and eye rolls as the group stood one by one.
“Excellent.” I clapped my hands. “Let’s all head to the dining room now.” I looked at Leo, careful not to touch him because I had the suspicion that touch heightened the hex. “Thank you for coming, but I think everything is under control.”
Leo looked me straight in the eye and said, “Actually, I’m free for the evening.” He pocketed his notebook and smiled seductively.
I sent Fiona a pleading look.
She shot back a shrug.
I was a woman without a country. And I was pretty certain life couldn’t get any stickier right then. Until the doorbell rang again.
Chapter Seven
I sighed. “Fiona, please handle this one.”
“Oh all right,” she agreed.
I escorted everyone into the dining room and Leo pulled me back, caught me mid-stride and rolled me into his arms. “I’m so glad you called,” he said in a husky voice. His eyes did that swirly thing that Chip’s had done. He leaned in to kiss me.
I pushed back, turned my head. I couldn’t walk down that road again. Sure, I still had feelings for him, but we were broken up and he was bewitched at the moment, and if I let him kiss me, who knew what would happen? “I didn’t call, Leo.”
He winked. “Okay, I get it. We have to be professional now.”
Good grief. “Sure. Let’s go with that.”
Leo took a place at the dining room table next to Red Dress. She winked at him and said, “I love a man with a badge.”
Oh boy.
The table was already set with salad, bread and water, so I told everyone to begin eating and bee-lined it back to the kitchen to see how Lolly’s signature tea was coming along.
Instead of my aunt, I found Chance there, looking like he just stepped out of a Ford commercial with golden, windswept hair, a red flannel, faded jeans and scuffed work boots. He was sharing pizza with my dog and talking football with my grandmother. Lolly was simmering something in a pot on the stove and Birdie was lining up wine carafes. I didn’t see Fiona.
“I’m telling you there will never be a team like the ’85 Bears,” Chance was saying. I watched him pull a slice out of the box and hand another to Thor. “Hey, Stace.” He took a bite.
“Chance, what the hell are you doing here?” I demanded.
He jerked a bit. Taken aback. I really hadn’t meant to be that harsh. I just didn’t want him to become another victim of whatever was happening. He reached for a napkin and wiped his mouth. “Your grandmother asked me to fix a broken stair.” He set the slice down. “Is that a problem?”
Chance owned a construction company. And I was an idiot. I checked his eyes for the magic that seemed to accompany this wayward spell. There was none.
“No. I mean—of course. I mean, sorry. It’s been a rough night.” I felt horrible for snapping at him. Chance was the last person on earth I wanted to hurt.
He wiped his hands and said, “No worries. I was on my way out anyway. Got a hot date.” He winked.
With that, he lifted his long leg off of the stool, kissed my grandmother on the cheek, pat my dog’s head and exited out the back door.
I watched him go with just a hint of sadness. And a twinge of jealousy.
But something about it… Something about the way Chance had come and gone just then, without acting crazy made me wonder why he hadn’t been affected by the witchcraft in the air. There was a niggling in my mind that told me I was missing something. We hadn’t touched each other, so that was one thing. I suppose most of the guests had shaken hands when they introduced themselves. Perhaps reached for the same cheese puff. So physical contact had to incite it, but—wait a minute.
There might be an answer. I wasn’t certain it would work because I didn’t know what Fiona and Lolly had used in their enchantment, but it was at least a shot. And if I could use the same formula they did—except in reverse—it just might severe the spell and this night that had all the makings of a bad love song—would end and I could get on with my life.
“Where’s Fiona?” I asked Birdie.
“She went upstairs to freshen up. She’ll be back in a minute.”
“So will I,” I said.
It’s not easy running in three feet of snow, but I did my best to get to the cottage. I grabbed the lilies that Chance had sent--perfect for deterring ghosts and breaking love spells--and rushed back out the door.
Where I ran smack into Chip.
“Jesus,
Chip!”
The vase was still in my hand, thank the goddess. “What the hell are you doing here?”
He was wearing that same disturbing grin, his eyes swirling. Like there was a flame inside.
“I’m done with my shift. I thought we could hang out,” he said.
“Oh my god. No, Chip. We cannot hang out. Ever.”
I brushed past him and tromped through the snow. I didn’t make it far when he grabbed my arm forcefully.
“Hey! Let go of me,” I barked, trying to shake free of his grip.
“Who sent you those, huh?” He nodded to the vase and there was an edge of hostility in his words. “Your boyfriend?”
“Chip, leave. Now.” I tried to sound threatening, but the way he was looking at me and the clip in his voice made me nervous.
He reached for the vase and snagged a handful of the flowers.
“Stop it!” I tried to snatch them back, but he tossed them into the snow and trampled them.
Dammit!
“I’ll kill him. Whoever the bastard is, I’ll kill him,” the teenager growled.
This was not happening. This was truly a nightmare come true.
There were still a few stalks left in the vase, so I held onto those, turned to run, but he tackled me and planted my face in the snow. The vase spilled out of my hand and rolled just out of reach.
Chip tried to flip me over, but I squirmed. “Get off me,” I screamed.
He grabbed another couple of flowers and ripped them apart, petals fluttering over my head. “No!” I yelled. “Stop!”
I managed to roll, but the kid was still over me, straddling my torso. “We should be together,” he said with crazy eyes.
He grabbed my arms and pinned me down and I struggled, spitting in his face. I tried to knee him in the groin, but it didn’t work. I couldn’t gain leverage.
I glanced at the vase. One lily left. Would it be enough?
Chip leaned in and tried to kiss me as I wrenched away from him. He raised his hand as if he was going to slap me.
The move gave me just enough room to free one arm, grab the vase, and slam it into his head. It didn’t shatter like I thought it would, but it did break in two.