Shank's Mare

  At Kyōto and Ōsaka the theatre attendants are all girls. One of these caught hold of Kita and Yaji by the sleeve. 'Come in and see one act,' she said.

  'What do you say, Yaji,' said Kita. 'Shall we just take a peep at the Kyōto theatre?'

  'That's a good idea,' said Yaji. 'How much is it?'

  'That's all right,' said the girl. 'I'll arrange it all for you. Come in.'

  She caught hold of their hands and dragged them in and took them upstairs, where the box-opener showed them to their seats. The curtain was down and the vendors were crying their wares.

  'Uji tea, Uji tea,' cried one.

  'Have some cakes,' called another.

  'Tea, tea,' called another. 'Who wants some tea?'

  'There's quite a crowd, isn't there?' said Yaji. 'But it's only half of what would be in the theatre in Edo.'

  'What a bore it is waiting,' said Kita. 'I could do with a cup.'

  'I feel hungry,' said Yaji. 'Let's buy some cakes or something.' 'Have some cakes,' said a vendor.

  'Just give us three or four of those cakes,' said Kita.

  'They're three coppers each,' said the man.

  'Here,' said one of the audience. 'What are you doing, cakeman. You're treading on my lunch.'

  'Ay, ay,' said the vendor. 'Excuse me.'

  'Oh, oh!' cried Yaji. 'Now you're treading on my foot.'

  'Ay, ay!' said the man. 'Just excuse me, will you?'

  'Don't step over me,' said Kita. 'I don't want your stomach on my head.'

  'I say, Gombei,' called one of the audience. 'What did you buy?'

  'Wait a bit, Master Tarobei,' said Gombei. 'I've got something nice in my box. Come over and look. Won't you come?' He brought out a package wrapped in a bamboo leaf.

  'Oh, it's rice and fish balls, is it?' said Tarobei. 'Splendid, splendid. Let's have it instead of lunch and eat it with our sake. What do you think?'

  Very well,' said Gombei. 'Let's have a cup.'

  He took out a small cup and a bottle.

  'Look there, Yaji,' said Kita in a low voice. 'Ain't they lucky. They've got a drink.'

  'What a greedy chap you are,' said Yaji.

  'Here, my boy,' said Kita,'there's a cake for you,' and he gave one of the cakes he had bought to a little boy who was with the two men in the next box. He did this because he wanted the men to offer him a drink.

  'Thank you, thank you,' said Tarobei.

  'I see you're enjoying yourselves,' said Kita.

  'Are you fond of sake?' asked Tarobei.

  'Yes, yes,' said Kita. 'It's better than food.'

  'Yes, it's very pleasant,' said Tarobei. 'Master Gombei, let's have another drink. Ah, this is very good sake.'

  'Yes,' said Gombei. 'I'm afraid you're not enjoying yourself,' he added, turning to Kita. 'Won't you have a cup of tea?'

  He held out a tea cup and Kita took it hurriedly, with many thanks.

  'I'm afraid it's cold,' said Tarobei. 'Have some from the kettle.'

  Kita, with an expectant face, took the kettle that was handed to him and poured some out. Then he drank it off, to find it was only lukewarm tea.

  'Oh, it's tea,' he said disappointed.

  'Is it cold?' asked Tarobei.

  'Yes, it's cold,' said Kita. 'Would you mind giving me some from the bottle.'

  'I'm sorry it's finished,' said Tarobei. 'See for yourself,' and he turned the bottle upside down.

  'Ha-ha-ha!' laughed Yaji. 'What a do!'

  'Botheration,' said Kita in a low voice. 'I've wasted a cake.'

  While he was grumbling to himself the music began to play and the clackers to sound to show that the performance was about to begin. Then as the curtain went up, along the Flowery Way came a group of actors, at whom the audience began to jeer.

  'Daiko, Daiko,' they called. 'You're all a lot of Daiko.'

  'What's this Daiko?' asked Kita. 'Is that one of the actors?'

  'Yes, he's a very good actor,' said the man next him.

  Kita was very fond of the theatre and he was soon absorbed in the play and quite lost to his surroundings, so that as the performance went on he began to express his approval of the actors by frequent remarks, which he uttered in a loud voice. The result was that those around him, instead of looking at the stage, began to find more amusement in looking at Kita.

  'Bravo! Bravo!' called Kita. 'Daiko, Daiko.'

  Now 'Daiko,' which means 'radish,' is a term used in the West Country for a bad actor. Kita did not know this, and as he had heard the others calling out 'Daiko! Daiko!' he imitated them. As he went on calling out 'Daiko,' the crowd began to laugh at him and call him 'mōroku.' In the West Country 'mōroku' means the same as 'orisuké' in Edo, that is a low sort of fellow. As Kita was dressed in a blue kimono they thought that he was a common labourer.

  'Yaji, do you hear that?' he asked. 'What queer names the actors have here, —Daiko, Mōroku. Perhaps they aren't their real names.'

  'Probably nicknames,' said Yaji.

  'Then the actor that's just come out must be Mōroku,' said Kita, and he began calling out,'Bravo Mōroku! Well done, Mōroku!'

  By this time all the audience were looking and laughing at Kita and had forgotten all about the play.

  'Mōroku!' they called. 'Fool of a mōroku!'

  'What are they calling mōroku for?' asked Kita. 'What does it mean?'

  'Ha-ha-ha!' laughed Yaji. 'It's you they mean.'

  'What for?' asked Kita.

  'It means the same as orisuké,' said Yaji. 'They're all making fun of you because you're dressed in a blue kimono.'

  'Oh, that's it, is it?' said Kita.

  'Fool, fool, fool!' yelled the crowd.

  'You're an insolent lot,' shouted Kita.

  As Kita spoke very angrily, all the people in the theatre jumped to their feet, shouting 'A fight, a fight,' and the whole theatre was plunged into confusion. Then four or five of the theatre attendants rushed up and seized hold of Kita.

  'What are you doing?' said Kita.

  'You're stopping the play,' they said. 'Come along.'

  'Turn him out, turn him out,' yelled the crowd.

  'What are you jawing about?' said Kita.

  'Come along, come along,' said the attendants.

  'What are you going to do with that man?' asked Yaji.

  'You too,' said the attendants, and they caught hold of both of them and dragged them downstairs, much to their disgust. But as there was nothing to be done, they had to leave the theatre grumbling.

  'What a nuisance!' said Kita. 'Ha-ha-ha!'

  Wandering along they came to the Gion Shrine. The hall in the middle of the main building is dedicated to Gōdzu Tennō, the chamber to the east to the Eight Princes and that to the west to the Princess Inada. In the time of the Emperor Shōmu, the Minister Kibi, on his return home from China, ventured respectfully for the first time to raise a shrine to Gōdzu Tennō on the top of Mount Hiro in Harima Province. Besides there are sub-shrines and branch shrines too numerous to mention. Every day there are crowds of worshippers and from the numerous teahouses comes the smell of the Gion cake. There may be seen the sellers of tooth powder, attracting customers by their swordplay, and the medicine vendors, and those who imitate the moving world around them, and the actors of the No interludes, so that altogether the grounds of the Shrine are crowded with people. Here also may be heard all kinds of amusing dialects, but as Kanwatei in the 'Kyōkwanchō' has written all about them I will cut short my description.

  Yaji and Kita, having looked at everything, went out at the Rō Gate in front of the Niken Teahouse, where they make the beancurd. At the gate of the teahouse a number of girls in red aprons were calling to the passers-by.

  'Come in and rest, come in and rest,' they cried. 'Won't you come in? Have a snack, have a snack.'

  'Aha!' said Yaji. 'Don't you remember the saying that when you embrace a Gion girl she looks as if she was cutting beancurd. Look, Kitahachi. Isn't that interesting?'

  Peeping in they could hear the gi
rls cutting the beancurd.

  'That's amusing,' said Kita. 'What do you say to having a drink here. I feel as if I could do with something.'

  'Please go right in,' said the maid.

  They went into a back room and the maid brought some tea.

  'Let's have some beancurd,' said Kita. 'And you might bring some sake.'

  'Ay, ay!' said the girl.

  'When these Kyōto people deal with a man from another province they always put up their prices,' said Yaji. 'We've got to be careful.'

  'Yes, yes,' said Kita. 'It's annoying even to pay two or three coppers more than the proper charge.'

  The maid brought in the sake and some cooked vegetables in a bowl.

  'I'll bring the beancurd in a minute,' she said. 'Please take a cup.'

  'All right,' said Yaji. 'By the way, how much is the sake?'

  'Our sake is extra good,' said the maid. 'It's sixty mommé.'

  'Eh?' said Yaji. 'I don't understand that. How much is this dish?'

  'That's five bun, your honour,' said the maid.

  'Let's have the beancurd as soon as you can,' said Kita.

  The maid went away and soon returned with two trays of beancurd, and the rice-box.

  'That's funny looking beancurd,' said Yaji.

  'That's arrowroot,' said the girl. 'I'll bring the other in a minute.'

  'How much is the beancurd?' asked Yaji.

  'Ha-ha-ha!' laughed Kita. 'What a chap you are for asking the price of everything. There's no need to ask the price of the beancurd, is there? Let's have a drink.'

  'That's good sake,' said Yaji after drinking a cup. 'I can't bear watery stuff. Let's have another cup.'

  'Don't drink it all yourself while you're grumbling,' said Kita. 'Pass the bottle over.'

  'This stuff won't do,' said Yaji. 'We can't eat this stuff with the sake. Bring us something else.'

  The maid went and brought in another dish.

  'How much is that dish?' asked Yaji.

  'That's two mommé five bun,' said the maid.

  'Dear, dear,' said Kita.

  'I'll get them,' said Yaji. 'I know a plan that will teach them not to be greedy.'

  Of everything the maid brought in he asked the price, and when they had eaten everything up he called for the bill.

  The maid brought in the bill and handed it to Yaji.

  'Let's see, let's see,' said Yaji. 'Kita, look what they make the total.'

  'Oh, oh!' cried Kita. 'Twelve mommé five bun. What a price! Make 'em cut it down.'

  'No, no, it's cheap,' said Yaji. 'There, bring me the change. Now then, Kita, we've got something to carry. We'll take all these things with us.'

  He took all the bowls and dishes, wiped them with paper, and began to wrap them up.

  'What's that for?' asked Kita.

  'We'll take 'em all away with us,' said Yaji.

  'Oh, no,' said the maid. 'Dear, dear, what shall I do?'

  'I asked you how much this bowl was,' said Yaji,'and you told me it was five bun, didn't you? Then I asked you how much this dish was and you said it was two momme five bun, and the vegetable bowl was three mommé. Isn't that right? And the plate three mommé five bun, didn't you say? Altogether twelve momme five bun. I've paid you for them so there's no excuse.'

  'Ho-ho-ho!' laughed the maid. 'How funny you are.'

  'There's no ho-ho-ho about it at all,' said Yaji. 'I'm going to take them with me.'

  He went on wrapping up the plates and dishes with quite a serious air, much to the dismay of the maid.

  'I was telling you the price of the food not of the dishes,' she explained.

  'If I'd been asking about the price of the food,' said Yaji,'I'd have asked you how much the food in the dish was. But I didn't. I asked you how much the dish was and you said two mommé five bun, didn't you?'

  'Yes,' said the maid,'but then I thought... Oh dear, what shall I do?'

  'There's nothing to dispute about,' said Yaji.

  Then a man in an apron came in from the kitchen and inquired the particulars.

  'You're quite right,' he said to Yaji. 'Please take the dishes as you have paid for them, but you haven't yet paid me for what you have eaten.'

  'I see, I see,' said Yaji. 'What we have eaten won't be very dear. How much will it be?'

  'That will be seventy-eight momme five bun,' said the man.

  'Eh?' said Yaji. 'What a price! Do you think I'm blind? Why it's only worth about five or six hundred coppers. What a terrible price to ask.'

  'Not at all,' said the man. 'All the food is brought from Ōsaka on foot and it costs a lot to bring it.'

  'That may be all right for the fish,' said Yaji,'but the vegetables can't be so dear. How much was that dish of greens?'

  'That's seven mommé five bun,' said the man.

  'What? Seven mommé five bun?' cried Yaji. 'You're too greedy for anything. It's only worth three or four coppers.'

  'That may be what you think,' said the man,'but the greens are a special production of Kyōto and I always pick them over very carefully and throw away the parts eaten by caterpillars, and select the best. And I always sift the dung out of them too.'

  'Nonsense!' said Yaji. 'Whoever heard of such a thing? I'll only pay you two shō for what we've eaten.'

  'No, no,' said the man. 'That won't do. If you think it's dear please return the things you've bought.'

  Yaji now saw that he was beaten at his own game of quibbling.

  'Here, Yaji,' said Kita. 'Don't let's bother about it any more.'

  'You may make as many excuses as you like,' said Yaji,'but I tell you the bill's unreasonable. I'll forgive you this time, but just you remember in future,' and with a glare at the landlord he walked out.

  'Good-bye,' said the maid. 'Please come again soon.'

  'Oh, suck it,' said Yaji. 'Ha-ha-ha!'

  They left the precincts of the temple and went quickly in the direction of Sanjō to find an inn for the night, catching up as they did so with a number of women who were selling firewood, ladders, pestles, mallets, and other things, all of which they carried on their heads.

  'Don't you want a ladder or a pestle?' they asked.

  'Look how it makes them wag their tails,' said Yaji. 'Ha-ha-ha!'

  'Won't you buy some firewood?' asked another woman.

  'Ain't they strong,' said Kita,'to be able to carry the things on their heads.'

  Soon they came to a river bed, where all the women put down their burdens and sat down to have a smoke.

  'That's what you might expect in Kyōto,' said Yaji. 'They ain't bad looking. I'll chaff 'em a bit.'

  'You'll get into trouble again,' warned Kita.

  'Nonsense,' said Yaji,'it's you who do that.'

  He took out his pipe and drew near to the women.

  'Sorry to trouble you but could you let me have a light?' he said. 'By the way, how do you manage to carry those things on your heads? Ain't they heavy?'

  'Ay, ay,' said one of the women.

  'I used to go about with a stone weighing twenty or thirty kwammé on my head,' said Kita,'and think nothing of it.'

  'You must have been a miller's man,' said one of the women.

  'You be quiet,' said Yaji.

  'Won't you buy this pestle, gentlemen,' said another of the women.

  'What, a pestle?' said Yaji. 'I would like to, but this one is too thin. I've got one as big as a log. Besides, I like a square one.'

  'Ho-ho-ho!' laughed the woman. 'If you had a square pestle you'd want a square mortar.'

  'Of course, of course,' said Yaji. 'At my place we make bean sauce in a store house.'

  'What a smart gentleman he is!' said the woman. 'If you don't like the pestle, won't you buy a ladder?'

  'Ha-ha-ha!' laughed Yaji. 'Fancy me buying a ladder. How much is it?'

  'I haven't been able to sell much to-day,' said the woman,'so I'll let you have it cheap for six hundred coppers.'

  'I'll take it if you let me have it for two hundred coppers,' said Yaji.<
br />
  'Don't make fun of us,' said the woman. 'Won't you give a little more?'

  'No, no,' said Yaji.

  'Won't you make it five hundred?' said the woman.

  'No, no,' said Yaji.

  'Well, I should get scolded if I took it home,' said the woman. 'I'll let you have it for two hundred.'

  'What?' said Yaji. 'You'll sell it so cheap? What a silly thing to do!'

  'It is cheap,' said the woman.

  'However cheap it is, what should I do with a ladder?' said Yaji. 'I haven't got a place to put it.'

  'That doesn't matter,' said the woman. 'Here, catch hold of it.'

  'You must excuse me,' said Yaji. 'The truth is we're only travellers and I'm going to Sanjō to look for an inn. I can't carry a ladder about with me.'

  'Well, what did you want to make a bid for it then if you didn't want it?' asked the woman.

  'I oughtn't to have done it,' said Yaji. 'If it was something I could put in my sleeve or my bosom I wouldn't mind buying it whether I wanted it or not. But a ladder! It's dreadful.'

  'You shouldn't come and make fun of people when they're trying to do a bit of business,' said the woman. 'I won't be played with. Here, take the ladder.'

  Then four or five women surrounded Yaji and began scolding at the tops of their voices, while a curious crowd collected. Yaji, in the middle, was unable to escape, and although he made all sorts of excuses, they would not listen to him, and as they were women he could not very well get up a fight with them. In the end he was forced to pay the two hundred coppers and shoulder the ladder, whereupon the crowd dispersed laughing.

  'Making me look like a fool!' groaned Yaji. 'Just catch hold of the other end, Kita.'

  'Not I,' said Kita. 'You can carry it.'

  'I've got caught again,' said Yaji. 'Botheration!'

  They went along Shijō and down in front of the temple, Yaji grumbling all the time at having to carry the ladder.

  'Ain't you got any feeling for me, Kita?' he groaned. 'Just carry it for a bit.'

  'You don't get me touching it,' said Kita. 'Awfully heavy, isn't it? Why don't you carry it on your head like those women.'

  'That's a good idea,' said Yaji, and he twisted up a towel and put it round his head, and balanced the ladder on top, holding it with his hands.

  'Here, look where you're going,' said a passer-by.

  'Sorry,' said Yaji. 'I can't see people coming.'