by Ava Paris
After we both reached out climax, William was laying on top of me. I could hear his breath in my ear and felt a small smile on my own face. Perfect.
William propped himself up on one arm and looked down at me. He was playing with my hair, moving it away from my face as he told me how beautiful he thought I looked.
Sure, this is perfect I thought to myself. This is something else.
“How do you feel?” I managed.
William looked down at me and laughed. “How do I feel?” He asked.
“Yeah. How do you feel?” I asked again.
William let out a small laugh before he told me, “I feel amazing.” And kissed my lips.
In that moment where I could hardly think, but could only feel, I kissed him right back. What else was I going to do?
Chapter Ten
A night of passion was followed by an awkward morning as we both awoke and wore smiles that were more that of professional people than of lovers. I was back to being in my head again and the change was like night to day.
The night before we had had sex three times, and each time was stranger than the last. The first time I had been unable to keep a thought inside my head for more than a few moments, and my whole body felt heavy. The orgasm I had was intense, but I hadn’t been sure if that intensity was because my body felt different or if it was because the orgasm itself was intense. The other five orgasms he gave me that night proved that the first one had just been intense, and that each of those was more intense than the last one.
And the break from the endless chatter inside my head? That had lasted until I woke up after only a few hours sleep, only to feel awkward again. Frustrating and disheartening all at once.
When I awoke, it was like any other morning with my mind going a mile a minute and me being totally inside my own head.
Luckily for me - or unluckily - William had been polite enough to remove himself from my room, telling me he would see me later over breakfast. I had time to have a shower and get myself ready. Something I appreciated, as I didn’t really want him there while I got ready.
Part of me did worry about him leaving my room in what was obviously last nights clothes, then I remembered that we were at a conference and it wasn’t so unusual for people to hook up at conferences. It wasn’t like either of us were involved with anyone else, I reminded myself. People do this all the time with their colleagues when they’re unavailable. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I needed to remind myself as if I had committed a crime.
Why was I doing this to myself after last night had been so wonderful?
I got in the shower and as I felt the warm water cascade down my body, I reflected on just how great last night was. I smiled to myself as I remembered how great it was the first time he entered me. Even though my body felt different now under the water as I used soap suds to run over all of my now tense - always tense - muscles, I remembered how it had felt when my body was relaxed and free.
When I finally washed my hair with the hotel shampoo, a shampoo that smelled like generic cleanness rather than the flowery shampoo I used at home, I thought ahead to breakfast.
How was I supposed to behave? Would anyone have seen him leave my room who would say something now? If they did, would that work against me in such a big way? Most importantly I reminded myself, why did I care? But I couldn’t stop the constant stream of thoughts.
I didn’t really want to know the answer to that question I thought as I turned off the shower and reached for a towel.
I would get myself ready, make myself look every bit of beautifully professional for the farewell breakfast, then talk to William about this on the plane. Before we had touched down in Melbourne, we would both know how to behave at work. We would have a plan. It would be okay, I assured myself.
And maybe I would be able to keep him at work if I played my cards right. He really was a wonderful scientist.
Breakfast the following morning was something else. I arrived to find William sitting at a table in the hotel’s breakfast room with the leggy blond from the night before. I tried to remind myself - just before the rage of jealousy took me over - that we were at a professional event and of course, if anyone had been paying attention to William this last few days, they would have noticed he was on my tail.
She probably just wanted to have breakfast with me.
I walked over and said hello to the two of them as if I hadn’t spent most of the night having William give me orgasm after orgasm.
Happily, he behaved like this was the first time he had seen me since last night. He asked how I had slept and I said I had slept well before heading off to get something to eat.
I returned to our table a short time later with a plate piled high with food.
“Hungry?” Asked the leggy blond.
“Yes. Extremely.” I told her.
She smiled at me, a warm, open smile. “I love these things for the food. After the science, it is easily the best part, wouldn’t you agree?”
Like a polite society lady, I smiled and nodded as I sipped some black tea I had poured myself from one of the tea pots they left for us to take our morning tea from. I was so thirsty though that I had almost taken the whole pot just for myself.
“We were discussing getting to the airport, the best way.” William informed me and I nodded for him to go on. “I was thinking of taking a taxi, but apparently it will be difficult to get one since we’re all leaving at once.”
“Oh?” I said.
“Yes. We should leave earlier than everyone else, get a taxi before the rush.” He told me.
I knew this meant more time at the airport, but there wasn’t much of a reason to spend time around here I reflected. Also, I had spent so much energy being friendly and agreeable over these last few days that I would be happy to be away from all these people.
It is tough to keep up the friendliness and chattiness all the time in a professional context. I am not a professional socialite after all, but a scientist.
With all of this in mind I agreed to getting an earlier taxi. William checked the time before taking another bite of his toast. I noticed then that he had only two slices of toast with the thinnest scraping of Vegemite on them beside a black coffee. Brewed coffee I thought like the Melbournian coffee snob I am, I wouldn’t touch the stuff. It was barista style coffee or nothing for me.
“I will finish this then get ready. Can I meet you in the lobby soon?” He asked me.
Pointedly, I looked at my still full plate of food.
“Oh.” He said.
“I also have to say goodbye to a few people.” I informed William. “Can we make it half an hour?”
William consulted his watch again. “That will be fine.”
“All business, you are.” Our breakfast companion, who had been watching all of this unfold told William.
He looked at her like he had just realized she was sitting there for the first time. “Yes. We need to get home.” He told her.
“Do we?” I asked, grinning.
“Yes, we do.” William told me pointedly.
“Okay.” I agreed breezily, whatever you say mate.
William finished eating his toast before taking another look at his coffee, deciding he would leave it and standing up to take everything back to the tray where we placed our dirty dishes. He placed everything down noisily before returning to our table to tell our breakfast companion that it had been nice to meet her and he would add her on professional social media when he got back to his desk at the university. She said her own pleasantries before he was gone.
“I think he likes you.” She told me moments after William was gone, when he was just out of eat shot.
I laughed, “Do you think so?” I asked.
“I know so.” She told me.
I wasn’t about to tell her I had just slept with him, so I just shrugged.
“You work together though…” She said in the sort of pensive way that told me she knew exactly what I had been thinking all alon
g, because she - or any other female scientist - would think it too. We really did live in a man’s world.
“I know. He is only a visiting professor though…” I said.
“Maybe.” She told me. “Maybe not. He was just telling me he might stay on, if they can find a job for him.”
“Did he tell you that?” I asked, hearing the shock in my own voice.
“Yes he did. Which is why I thought he might like you.” She told me.
I nodded slowly. Okay, maybe she was right. Maybe it was a little deeper than lust - well, I knew that in my heart already - but maybe his wanting to stay was more to do with how he felt about me than anything work related. As I thought this I felt a huge rush of blood to my ego, but somehow I also knew it to be true.
“If he stayed though, I couldn’t really pursue anything with him.” I told her.
She looked at me in silence for a long moment.
“I guess I couldn’t really do anything about it now, either, as he is going home.” I told her.
She let out a sigh. “Sure. It is tough.” She told me.
I nodded. “Yes it is.”
“What do you want?” She asked me.
“Hmm…” I thought for a long moment, what did I want? After a long moment the thought clicked. “I don’t know if I really want him. Not with my head. With my heart though, I do.” I told her.
“Well, that’s what is important though, isn’t it?” She asked me.
It didn’t take me nearly as long to answer her as it should have, “I don’t think so, no.”
Chapter Eleven
William was right to suggest we leave the conference early. After finishing off breakfast with the gorgeous - and clever - blond I had enough time to finish my breakfast and say goodbye to a few professors. I would send out emails and social media messages in the coming weeks to say goodbye to the rest, then email whoever I needed to email about work stuff.
The work that happened after the conference was always more work than the conference itself I reminded myself as I settled into the back of the taxi and made some notes on my phone.
William was beside me, but instead of making notes or sending emails, he was staring out the window as Canberra rushed by on our way to the airport.
We had plenty of time to sit around at the airport bored, or, I would have if I didn’t have so many emails to catch up on. William mostly sat beside me quietly throughout though before we boarded our flight back to Melbourne. He didn’t seem to mind that we didn’t have a lot to say to one another and seemed to be away with his thoughts.
Although we had not discussed the night before, I had the sense that the night before was exactly what was on his mind - or perhaps I was projecting because it would be exactly what was on my mind if I didn’t have all of this work to throw myself into.
When we boarded the plane and found our seats I turned to William and asked the question I had wanted the answer to for the longest time.
“Are you going to stay?” I asked.
William gave me an odd half-smile before he told me in a way that made his words sound completely honest, “I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know?” I asked, disappointed. “Is it just about a job? I am sure you could find one here. You are a very accomplished scientist.”
“No, it is not just that.” He told me while staring straight ahead at the seat in front of him.
“What is it then?” I asked, feeling disappointed and angry, but trying not to let my feelings leech into my voice.
William gave me a bit of a side-eye. I suspected my feelings had in fact leeched into my voice despite best efforts, maybe just a little.
“Nothing, it’s just, I would like to stay.” He cleared his throat, “but I don’t know if I can.”
“You don’t know if you can?” I asked.
“Yes, I don’t know if I can.” He confirmed.
I looked at him for a long moment and William turned to look into my eyes. I was surprised to see a sadness there that I hadn’t quite expected to see. I was taken off guard.
“I want to stay here, with you. I don’t think my work will allow me to through.” He told me.
I cocked my head to the side. I knew his work, he could do his work anywhere. He would just be using different systems, but the same ‘rules’ would apply. This was science, after all.
“This is complicated.” He told me, “I will need some time to reflect.”
“Time to reflect?” I asked, rage welling up inside me. “You need time to reflect after we have slept together, convenient.”
He looked angry. I looked away.
We were taxing and the stewardess - it was such a small plane that there was only one - was doing the safety briefing. Even though I had seen a thousand of these and didn’t really need to watch, I watched anyway. Anything to get my mind off how angry I was with the man beside me.
She was pointing out the exits and I was trying to memorize where they were - in which direction I would need to move if we were to crash, and how many rows of seats were between me and the exit - when beside me William huffed.
“You don’t know as much as you think you do.” He told me.
“Oh, don’t I?” I said.
“No, you don’t.” He said. “You can be as angry as you want, but that won’t change things.”
I let the silence grow between us just like our breakfast companion had done when I had been speaking to her that morning. She was clever, and I wanted to give her move a go.
“Listen,” he began, more frustrated than ever, “we can’t talk about this now. We might be able to talk about it later, but not right now.”
“Not right now?” I asked.
“That’s right.” He told me, “not right now.”
I felt my jaw clench and managed to unclench it enough to ask him, “when?”
“Soon.” He told me.
I stared at him for a long moment.
He heaved a deep sigh before telling me, “Day after tomorrow, at the earliest.”
I looked away and thought for a long moment, perhaps that was reasonable. Perhaps the feelings inside me were not an indicator of how I should behave. I gave him one slow nod, and tried to bite my tongue when my mind filled with one thought: don’t let me regret it.
Chapter Twelve
The university sent cars to pick us up from the airport - something they almost never did - so instead of sharing a taxi back to campus then getting ourselves home from there, we got in separate cars and I was spirited home by a friendly driver whose chit-chat kept me distracted from thinking about William, our sexcapades, and more confusingly my own feelings, until I got home and had my first opportunity to be alone.
That first opportunity to be alone was when I felt like my head would finally explode.
When I walked in, I slumped on my couch before crawling into a fetal position.
Why did I feel this way? I had done everything perfectly. Right down to seducing him in a way that no-one else knew what was going on. I had even left the seduction to a time where it wouldn’t really matter. I had told myself that I could seduce him then let him go back to Sweden.
If things didn’t work out I had told myself, then I wouldn’t need to be around him for much longer and the way I had handled things - at a conference after a few drinks, not in the lab in the middle of the day - gave me enough plausible deniability that even if it did come up with HR, I knew they wouldn’t want to deal with it. This isn’t the sort of thing they like dealing with.
And why would it come up with HR?
Even though I had planned everything and taken my opportunities at just the right time, I couldn’t have done everything completely perfectly. Something had changed inside me and I wanted him after we had sex. It wasn’t just that I wanted him, I also felt entitled to him. I felt like he was mine and I deserved him more than anything. That entitlement - that ownership - was a big deal I reflected.
My feelings now were confusing. I gra
ppled with them, trying to make sense of everything. Trying to make things that felt so messy and uncertain suddenly feel certain. Uncertainty is uncomfortable. People who say to live outside your comfort zone though are not talking about really living with uncertainty. No-one could romanticize that feeling like someone who has never really lived in uncertainty can.
So there I was, sitting with my uncertainty, and with the surprise that all of these feelings were here with me right now. So many contradictory feelings. Some that wanted him, some that wanted to push him away. I couldn’t see a logical reason why I would want him, but my heart saw a lot there.
Why had I let myself believe that this was just lust when it was so much more than that? Why had I let myself believe I could just hook up with him, just go to bed with this man?
There was a lot for me to unpack and even as I didn’t feel ready to unpack, I seemed to be unpacking anyway.
Then I stood myself up, shook it off, picked up my luggage - a small bag I had taken with me on the plane for the conference - and headed into the laundry to throw my clothes into the machine.
There was a lot going through my mind, and I needed to give myself time and space to deal with everything.
I knew several thing though, even without unpacking every thought and feeling I had about this guy. I knew that he was unavailable, whether through work or emotional unavailability or pure personal preference. I wasn’t sure exactly how I knew his unavailability, but I knew it. I knew that he was someone who I lusted after, and who had seeped into my heart. I also knew that there was something about him, something that I had seen glimpses of a few times and had denied, something that had come out when we had sex for the first, and second, and third times all in one night.
There was something there which was pretty significant. It was huge but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Would I be ready to deal with what was going on though? Would I be ready to deal with whatever he hadn’t told me yet? I reflected on everything, bit my lip and tried to push every uncomfortable thought and feeling away as I settled into my home after some time of being away.