Splintered Memory

by Natascha Holloway

  “She’s still in surgery,” he said to Charlie’s dad – Harry.

  “How is she?” Harry asked him.

  “Not great,” he said knowing that he shouldn’t downplay things and that he should tell them exactly what Oak had told him. Yet he didn’t want to worry them, and he knew that telling them that Charlie had been taken into surgery because she was bleeding internally would do just that.

  Diane, Charlie’s mum, began to weep. Matt looked at her, and he saw through misted eyes that his mum was comforting her.

  “How are you Matthew?” His father asked him.

  He went to answer but found that he was unable to speak. So instead he just looked at his father and shook his head. His father gripped his shoulder, and his mum took his hand in hers.

  “Matt,” James said from behind him. “Why don’t you and your family wait at your house? You’re minutes from the hospital, and Charlie could be in surgery for hours.”

  Matt nodded and said to his and Charlie’s parents; “if you want to wait at the house that’s fine, and I’ll let you know as soon as I hear anything, but I’m going to wait here for her. I want to be here for her when she comes round,” Matt said sounding braver and calmer than he felt.

  “I’ll take the bags back and park the car, and I’m sure that your mother and Diane could do with a drink,” his dad said; “but I assume Harry’ll want to wait here with you, and I’ll head back in a little while to wait with you as well.”

  Harry shook Matt’s dad’s hand and sat down. Matt hugged his mum again, and then Diane hugged him once more, and he knew that for him – and for Harry too, it was now just a matter of waiting.

  He sat down on the uncomfortable plastic seats, and he leant forwards resting his forearms on his thighs by his knees. He glanced at Harry and saw fear in his face. Matt felt terrible. Harry had given him his daughter, and he’d promised to protect her and keep her safe on the day that they’d married. Now she was here, in the hospital that he worked in, fighting for her life.

  ***

  After Charlie had broken up with Rich, Matt hadn’t known how to be around her. He’d seen her in just her underwear, and now every time he saw her that was the image that came straight into his head. Rich also wasn’t speaking to him, and life suddenly seemed pretty lonely.

  With no best friend for company, and no Charlie to talk and laugh with, he’d started to spend all of his time cooped up in his room studying for his upcoming GCSE’s. He wanted to be a doctor, and he knew that he wouldn’t be able to do that unless he got excellent exam results.

  He knew that medicine wasn’t an easy option, and the careers advisor at school had already told him that university places were difficult to get. He’d been warned that if he didn’t get good grades, then he wouldn’t get into a good university. If he didn’t go to a good university, then he wouldn’t get a good placement in which to do his residency.

  As he began to despair about his future, he heard a knock on his bedroom door. Yet whilst he was thankful for the interruption into his thoughts about his doomed future, he did wonder why either one of his parents were disturbing him. They knew that it was only two days before his first two exams, and they knew they were the two most important subjects for any wannabe doctor. He had chemistry in the morning followed by biology in the afternoon.

  “You have a visitor,” his mum said from outside his bedroom.

  “I don’t care,” he said gruffly. “I’m studying. Tell whoever it is to come back in six weeks when all my exams are over,” he added testily. But he felt instantly guilty when he heard a familiar voice.

  “That’s okay Mrs Grayson,” Charlie said; “I’ll just go.”

  “Charlie,” Matt said grabbing his bedroom door and pulling it open. His mum didn’t stop to watch the exchange, but merely turned her back and walked away leaving them to it.

  Charlie stood in his doorway looking sheepish, but after a few seconds she smiled and said; “hi.”

  “Hi,” he said.

  “How’s the revision going?” She asked.

  He hadn’t answered, and all he’d been able to think about was kissing her. She was here. She’d come to see him, and that had to mean something he kept telling himself. So without any further thought he’d just grabbed her face and kissed her. Unfortunately he knew that he’d made a mess of their first kiss. He’d not only banged his nose against hers, but he’d also hit his teeth against hers. So he was stunned, but also relieved when she’d started to kiss him back.

  For the next two years they’d been inseparable. They’d existed in a perpetual state of intimacy, and according to their friends they’d been painful to be around. Their parents had frowned on their relationship, Charlie’s more so than his – with Harry labelling him a distraction, and they’d each tried to blame the other parent’s child for the effect on theirs at school at a crucial time in their lives. Yet he and Charlie hadn’t cared, well he certainly hadn’t. He’d gotten everything that he’d ever wished for since the age of seven.

  ***

  “Matt,” Oak said.

  Matt stood up, instantly pulled out of his own thoughts, and he saw Harry get to his feet as well.

  Oak and Harry shook hands, and Oak said matter of factly; “I’ve got news, but it’s not all good I’m afraid.”

  Matt normally admired Oak’s straight talking approach, but right now he felt sick to his stomach again as he tried to anticipate what Oak was going to say next.

  “The surgery went well. They had to remove Charlie’s spleen,” Oak said; “but there were no further complications, and the neurosurgeon managed to stop the bleed in her brain.”

  “That’s good, that all sounds good,” Harry said sounding excited and relieved and looking from Oak to Matt and back to Oak again. He was clearly confused as to why this wasn’t all good news.

  “She hasn’t regained consciousness has she?” Matt asked before slumping back down onto the hard plastic chairs before he got the answer, and then once again leaning forwards to rest his forearms on his thighs and putting his face back into his hands.

  “No,” Oak said; “she hasn’t, and she’s still not breathing on her own either.”

  “Oh god,” Harry said. He too sat back down.

  Matt put his hand on Harry’s shoulder, and then he stood up again and said; “I want to see her.”

  Oak nodded and Nurse Willis came into view. It was obvious that she’d already been asked to come and escort Matt to Charlie’s room.

  “I’m so sorry Matthew,” she said.

  “Call me Matt,” he said in a deadened voice as he forced a lacklustre smile onto his face. He’d been saying this same thing to her continually since his first day at the hospital.

  ***

  Everyone had said that they were too young to have the level of intensity that was evident in their relationship, and the continual nay saying had made Matt nervous when he’d been getting ready to move to Birmingham to start university. Yet within the first couple of months he hadn’t known why he’d doubted himself, or why he’d doubted what he and Charlie had together.

  Charlie had come to visit him every weekend without fail, and she’d become friends with all of his uni friends in no time. She’d even gotten to know the girls that had lived in the flat above him in his halls of residence, and when she’d come to visit him and he’d been studying for exams she’d gone out with them to give him some peace and quiet.

  He’d known in that first year as their relationship had grown stronger, and had survived all the tests of distance, alcohol, teenage jealousy, and everything else, that he’d wanted to marry her. He just hadn’t been able to imagine his life without her in it.

  In the summer break after his first year at uni, he’d gone to see Charlie’s father and he’d asked his permission to marry his daughter. Harry hadn’t been impressed, and whilst he had appreciated the traditional gesture he’d told Matt that his daughter was just too young.

  When Matt had insisted, and had o
ffered to accept any terms and conditions that Harry set, he’d caved in. He’d given his permission for Matt to marry his daughter, but he had had one condition. He’d told Matt that he had to wait until Charlie was twenty one before he asked her.

  In the lead up to Charlie’s twenty first birthday, Matt had felt like he was sixteen again. He had been nervous and unsure of himself around her once more, and she’d had no idea why.

  He’d also spent the three years leading up to her twenty first birthday saving up all the money that he’d earned from summer jobs to buy her an engagement ring. Although it had still only been with the help of his dad and Harry – who’d both made contributions to his savings, that he’d been able to afford to buy her a ring that he’d thought that she’d like.

  Matt had planned a romantic night for her birthday, and he’d been getting increasingly nervous throughout the day. He’d checked on the ring a dozen times. He’d tried to kill time, and he’d even gotten his mum to iron three different shirts for him, but he’d still been unable to settle. So he’d finally decided to jump in the shower hoping that this would clear his head.

  He’d turned the shower on, but no sooner had he got in than he heard a loud squeal from his bedroom. He grabbed a towel and dashed into his room, but he stopped dead in his doorway. Charlie was stood by his chest of drawers holding the ring box open in her hands. She was also surrounded by clean laundry, and he assumed that his mum must have given it to her to bring upstairs with her. He guessed that she’d dropped it though when she’d opened his drawers to put his things away for him, and had seen the ring box that he’d been hiding in his sock drawer.

  She glanced at him apologetically, and he felt his heart sink thinking that she was going to say no, but then she ran towards him and his arms instinctively wrapped around her. Her lips found his, and he could feel the intensity in her kiss. Yet he slowly pulled back from it, and from her.

  “Is that a yes?” He asked nervously.

  “Yes,” she said smiling and kissing him again; “it’s definitely a yes.”

  ***

  It had been six days since Charlie had come out of surgery, and Matt was sat at her bedside. He’d been by her side almost continuously since he’d been shown to her room, and he was still refusing to listen to any talk of her never regaining consciousness or what state she might be in if she did. He had refused to talk about options, and he had refused to go home without her.

  Harry had tried to step in on a few occasions to make him see reason, and to ask what he should do as Charlie’s father, but Matt had finally lost his temper on day four. He had yelled that he had no understanding of the situation or the medicine, and that his opinion didn’t matter anyway. Legally speaking, as her husband he made her medical decisions whilst she couldn’t.

  Harry had tried to talk to Oak about Matt’s behaviour, but Oak had said that whilst Matt was being unreasonable he was correct in saying that Charlie’s medical decisions were his to make.

  Nurse Willis, on a request from Harry and from Matt’s parents, walked into Charlie’s room to speak to Matt about going home for a while. He was sat in the chair by Charlie’s bed, just as he had been for the past six days, and he was holding her hand and listening to his iPod. His legs were stretched out in front of him, with one ankle crossed over the other, and he was resting his feet on the frame of her bed.

  When Matt noticed that Nurse Willis had come into the room, he pulled the earphones of his iPod out of his ears and looked at her expectantly. He had gotten used to people coming in and out of the room to ask him if he wanted food or coffee, or to see if he’d considered going home. Although he did wonder why they still bothered asking the later, he thought he’d made it clear by now that he’d go home when Charlie went home.

  “You need to go home Matthew. This is no good for you,” she said; “and we both know that Charlie would be furious at you for behaving this way.”

  Matt didn’t respond.

  “You’ve been here for six days straight,” Nurse Willis continued. “I think you’ve proven now how much you love her, but this vigil isn't helping. Or is it? Take a look. I mean it Matthew, look at her. Look at Charlie, or look at her chart. Is she getting any better? You’re the doctor not me.”

  “What do you want me to do Anne? Give up on her?” Matt asked, knowing that he’d just used Nurse Willis’ forename for the first time since he’d met her.

  He sat up and pulled his feet down from off Charlie’s bed. He knew that he needed to prepare himself for yet another argument, but he also noticed that if Nurse Willis had minded that he’d used her first name then she wasn’t letting it distract her from her task. He saw that she was looking at him with concern, and like she was about to continue to berate him.

  “No, not give up,” she said; “just take a bit of time for yourself.”

  “If I go home, will everyone give me a break? If I go home and rest for an hour, will everyone stop pestering me to leave this room?” Matt asked.

  Nurse Willis looked at him sympathetically, and Harry came into the room and said; “if you go home, I’ll not move from her side until you get back.”

  “I’ll stay too,” Nurse Willis added.

  Matt nodded. An hour he thought, he could do an hour. Not that it looked like he had much choice. After six days of arguing he was too tired to fight both Harry and Nurse Willis.

  He got up and kissed Charlie lightly on the forehead, and then he put his earphones back in before walking out of the room. Once outside though he stood still. He felt lost, and he knew that he had nowhere to go. He couldn’t go home. He couldn’t face being anywhere near their home right now, not without Charlie.

  He squinted into the sunlight and decided to go for a walk, but as the cold wind whipped at his face he felt the familiar sting of tears in his eyes. Six days ago he’d been about to be made the happiest man alive. He had a wife that he adored, and she’d been about to tell him that he was going to become a father for the first time. Now there was no baby, and his wife might never again regain consciousness.

  Matt knew the medicine behind Charlie’s condition. She hadn’t regained consciousness since the accident, and she’d remained completely reliant on a ventilator to breathe. Medically speaking, he knew that for every hour that she remained in this condition her odds deteriorated. For every hour that she remained in this condition, she was slipping away and he was losing her.

  ***

  Stood next to Rich Matt’s palms felt sweaty. Charlie was going to be walking into the church and down the aisle in front of him at any minute. Yet whilst he knew that this was everything that he’d wanted since he was a child, for some reason with the moment finally upon him he was overcome with nerves that had his stomach in knots.

  “Want to make a dash for it?” Rich asked him sensing his nerves and smiling.

  “No. Why would you say that?” Matt asked tersely.

  Rich rolled his eyes and Matt felt guilty. He knew he was being hard work today, but he could do without stupid comments like that. As he was about to apologising to Rich though, he saw the doors open at the back of the church and he saw Charlie arm in arm with Harry.

  Charlie looked more beautiful than Matt had ever seen her look before, and she seemed to be radiating happiness. He heard Rich let out a low wolf whistle, and in that instant Matt’s nerves dissipated. He smiled at Charlie and met her eyes head on as she walked towards him.

  Her dress, which he hadn’t been able to hear any of the details of in the lead up to today, was stunning. It wasn’t big and fluffy, but it was instead sexy and sleek and suited Charlie perfectly. As she got closer to him, he noticed how the shape of the dress accentuated her slim figure. How the shade of white contrasted starkly with her brown eyes and dark hair, which was in loose ringlets round her shoulders. She looked dazzling, and for the entire service all he could think about was ripping the dress off her.

  He knew that there must either have been a glint in his eyes, or Charlie just knew him too
well and had deliberately chosen a dress that would have this kind of effect on him. He thought this as when the vicar announced that he could kiss the bride, Charlie whispered in his ear; “you can tear my dress any which way you like later.” He smiled as she winked, and then like always smiled her seductively sweet smile at him that he’d been bowled over by years before.

  Their wedding night was spectacular, which in truth he’d neither expected nor anticipated. He knew every part of Charlie’s body. He knew where to touch her. He knew which sounds meant what, and he knew how and when to drive her crazy. She in turn knew him just as well, if not better. Yet whether it was the wedding dress, the wedding, or just the fact that she was now legally his, he was reckless that night and abandoned all previous caution that he’d had with her.

  Charlie seemed to immediately recognise his lowered inhibitions, and she was hungry to discover his wilder side. Their sex was rough, desperate, and as though it was the last time that they would ever have to be with one another. Charlie cried out louder and more frequently than ever before, and he too experienced new highs of sexual pleasure.

  When they were both spent they dozed in each other’s arms, but afterwards – and for the remainder of the night, they chatted as only two best friends who knew everything about the other could. As dawn crept up on them though, Charlie became hungry for him again and he wasn’t difficult to entice.

  When they returned from their honeymoon, Charlie told him that she wanted them to move out of their grotty little flat that they’d rented since her second year at university. She was eager to find them a perfect marital home, and even though she knew that they only had a very small budget it wasn’t able to dampen her excitement.

  Matt felt guilty that he didn’t have much money to put towards a deposit, but Charlie didn’t care. Harry had already agreed to pay whatever deposit they needed.

  He hated the thought of having to take Harry’s money, but he knew that there was no point in being proud about it. Charlie was Harry’s only child, and she was also his pride and joy. He’d known that Harry wouldn’t have taken kindly to him refusing his help, or in him keeping his daughter in a horrible student flat until he’d earned enough money to be able to buy them somewhere that she deserved.