Splintered Memory

by Natascha Holloway

  Emily had been unusually clingy, even for her, and very attentive in the bedroom. Matt wasn’t complaining about her bedroom behaviour, but he was worried that her clingyness was a reaction to Rich and Bex’s wedding. He was concerned that maybe she was hoping that if she was the perfect girlfriend, then he might consider proposing to her. From what he’d heard from the boys, girls got weird when it came to weddings.

  The idea of her thinking this though made Matt feel incredibly uncomfortable. Not only was he still married – well legally he thought as he acknowledged in his mind the fact that he currently had no idea where his wife was living, he also knew that he didn’t want to get married again.

  Living with Emily was one thing. Although in truth he knew that this had only come about because he’d needed a support system to come home to from rehab, and at the time she’d seemed more preferable than having to ask Rich or his parents to come and stay with him. The idea of her becoming his wife though was ridiculous, and the thought of her thinking along these lines made him feel claustrophobic. He was becoming increasingly worried that Emily was fast becoming too committed to their relationship, and that thought made him feel guilty.

  Matt knew that Emily felt more for him than he did for her, but he also knew that she’d become an integral part of his life in the last few months. Without her, he’d have lost more than just his marriage. It was likely that he’d have lost his career, and maybe even his life given the amount of drugs he’d been taking when she’d finally gotten him to admit that he had a drug addiction.

  Emily had seen him through a difficult time in his life, and she hadn’t – as she probably should have done given the way that he’d treated her, abandoned him.

  When he’d come out of rehab she’d looked after him, and in return he’d stayed faithful to her. It had seemed like a fair trade at the time, and the least that he could do for her, but he knew that he didn’t love her. He was fond of her, and she was easy to live with. They had a lot in common, and their lives seemed to all intents and purposes well suited. What had made it even easier to accept her as part of his life was the reaction of his friends. They’d accepted them as a couple without asking any questions, and on top of this they’d seemed genuinely pleased for him.

  Matt still hadn’t taken Emily home to meet his parents, even though she’d shown a keen interest in him doing this, but this was partly to do with him not wanting to have to face Charlie’s parents. He could only guess that they wouldn’t be hospitable towards him, but then he couldn’t blame them. He’d hardly been a good son-in-law. Yet aside from this he’d also known that if he took Emily to Cheddar, it’d be tantamount to an announcement that he was divorcing Charlie.

  Even though he hadn’t seen or heard from Charlie since he’d walked out on her the morning after they’d had sex, he still couldn’t bring himself to accept that everything between them was over. It was silly and he knew that it wasn’t fair on Emily, but he was doing the very best that he could. She’d also seemed fairly content, well up until these past couple of months at least.

  He tried to shake his thoughts from his head. He didn’t want to have to think about having a difficult conversation with Emily about their future tonight. Tonight was Rich’s night. It was his stag do, and he, Ben, and Nick, had a lot planned. He was also hoping that the night would ease some of Rich’s woes. They’d all noticed that he’d started to look stressed over the past couple of months, but they’d just assumed that he was worrying about the wedding, Bex, or maybe both.

  “Are you going to be okay tonight?” Emily asked him, which interrupted his musings.

  “Yeah,” he said. “I’ll be fine. I won’t drink too much, and all the boys know not to let me.”

  “I’ll wait up for you if you want? I’m on call anyway,” Emily said.

  “I’ll be fine,” he said working his feet into his black shoes and checking his reflection in the mirror.

  “Gorgeous!” Emily said from where she was sat on the bed.

  Matt turned round and smiled at her and said; “a little biased maybe?”

  “Not maybe, I’m totally biased. But you’re still gorgeous,” Emily said standing up to kiss him.

  He returned her kiss, but as he felt her hands move to the front of his trousers he gently pushed her back. “I’ve got to go,” he said. To which she pouted.

  Matt kissed her on the cheek and left the room. Yet as he walked down the stairs he couldn’t help thinking that this was another instance where she’d been about to use sex as away to get him to stay in with her and not go out, even though she knew that he was heading to Rich’s stag do. She really was getting too clingy he thought, and he was definitely feeling claustrophobic despite his best efforts not to.

  He was going to have to have a conversation with her, but not tonight he said to himself. Tonight was about finding out what was bugging Rich he thought.

  ***

  The night had started off well. They’d begun with a few drinks in Selly Oak where he, Ben, and Nick, had made Rich drink a series of disgusting concoctions, and had made him with each drink put on more pieces of what would when it was complete be a fairy outfit. They’d then headed into town and had ended up in a strip club, where they’d each paid for Rich to have a lap dance.

  Unfortunately as the four of them stood outside a takeaway shop, eating chips and waiting for a taxi, the evening took a dip. Rich began reminiscing about their school days, and his time spent dating Charlie. Matt ignored him at first because he knew he was drunk, and it was his stag night, and also because the rational side of him knew that it didn’t matter. It was all from a long time ago and Charlie wasn’t a part of his life anymore, but as Rich went on and on he could feel his temper rising.

  “I loved Charlie first you know,” Rich said drunkenly to Ben.

  “Yeah we know mate, but it all turned out alright in the end didn’t it? Cus on Saturday you’re marrying Bex, and she’s the real love of your life isn’t she?” Ben asked Rich, and it was clear that he was trying to get Rich to change the subject and talk about Bex rather than Charlie.

  “Yeah, Bex is the love of my life. But we all know that she wasn’t my first,” Rich said slurring his words quite badly. “How sad am I though? I’m marrying the second girl that I ever slept with.”

  Matt turned to scowl at him and said irritably; “fuck off Rich.” He then walked across the street to see if he could see anything coming towards the taxi rank, but the road was empty.

  Rich laughed and said to Ben; “your first times supposed to be shit isn’t it?”

  Ben didn’t answer, and it was clear that everyone was trying to ignore Rich at this point.

  “Mine wasn’t. I’m telling you,” Rich said laughing again; “Charlie knew what she was doing.”

  Matt turned to walk back over to him, knowing that he wanted to punch him in the face, but Nick and Ben stood in front of him.

  “Come on Matt, he’s too drunk to hit now it wouldn’t be fair. Hit him in the morning when he’s got a hangover,” Ben said.

  “Taxi,” Nick said looking over Matt’s shoulder. Yet when it stopped and they all piled in, Matt noticed that Ben and Nick deliberately sat in between him and Rich.

  “Do you know where mine and Charlie’s first time was?” Rich asked Ben.

  “No one cares mate,” Ben said.

  Matt leant forward resting his forearms on the tops of his thighs by his knees. He put his hands together, kept his head down, and said; “you did it in the school games shed Rich. It lasted about two minutes, and she was thinking about me the whole time. Well according to her that is.”

  Everyone looked at Matt, including the cabbie who’d glanced at him through his rear view mirror.

  “You know about the games shed?” Nick asked sounding stunned.

  “Guessing Claire told you?” Matt asked Nick.

  Nick nodded, and Ben smiled and said; “Rach told me.”

  This time Matt smiled at Ben and said; “no secrets between a
ny of us then is there?”

  “I wouldn’t bet on it,” Rich slurred. But Matt simply ignored him.

  The cab pulled up outside of Rich’s house, and it took all three of them to navigate Rich inside. Once he was on the sofa in his living room Matt went back outside to pay for the taxi, and when he went inside again he could hear Rich’s snores coming from the living room. Nick and Ben were already in the kitchen opening up a couple of bottles of beer.

  “Want one?” Ben asked Matt as he walked in.

  “Yeah why not,” he said.

  “I can’t believe you know about Charlie and Rich in the games shed,” Nick said handing Matt a beer. “When Claire told me I was sworn to top level secrecy, like on my life and everything.”

  “You too,” Matt said to Ben.

  “Yeah,” Ben answered smiling.

  “Charlie told me about an hour before we got married. She rang me up and scared me half to death. I thought she was calling to say that she couldn’t go through with the wedding, that she’d changed her mind or something. But she just said that she couldn’t marry me with this secret between us,” Matt said.

  “What did you say when she told you?” Nick asked.

  “I asked her if she was still coming to the church to marry me,” Matt said; “and she said only if I promised to be stood at the altar waiting for her with a best man whose nose wasn’t broken.”

  Ben and Nick both laughed and said; “but you’ve never once mentioned it to Rich?”

  Matt smiled slyly.

  “What?” Nick and Ben both asked together.

  “It’s in my best man’s speech,” Matt said.

  All three of them burst out laughing before Ben said; “we’re assuming Bex knows though right?”

  “Jeez Ben, what kind of guy do you take me for? I checked with your missus before putting it in,” Matt said smiling at Ben and all three of them burst out laughing again.

  The following morning Rich had a rotten hangover and couldn’t remember any of the journey home. None of them reminded him though. None of them wanted to ruin Matt’s speech.

  ***

  Matt was stood in his morning suit fiddling with his cravat when Rich walked into his room wearing just his shirt and trousers, and Matt noticed that Rich was looking incredibly pale.

  “You look like shit!” Matt said clearly rather amused. “Are you really this nervous?”

  “I’m fine,” Rich said edgily. “The question is how you are? Are you okay? Not feeling the need to do any drugs or anything?”

  Matt laughed and said; “I’m pretty chilled out mate, but then I’m not the one about to say I do.”

  “Charlie’s here,” Rich said watching Matt’s face for his reaction.

  “Okay and this has you tripping out why? Doubts, worried that you’re marrying the wrong girl?” Matt asked Rich before laughing.

  “No, but you’re not freaked about seeing her?” Rich asked.

  “I knew she was coming,” Matt said. “So no, I don’t think I was planning on being surprised or freaked out at seeing her here.”

  “Oh,” Rich replied. “Okay, in that case I’m gonna go and finish getting my suit on.”

  Rich turned and left the room, and Matt turned his attention back to the mirror and his cravat. Yet he suddenly felt very nervous, and a lot like he’d just started to sweat profusely.

  Matt had known that Charlie was going to be here, but seeing her again was going to be strange. He hadn’t seen her in ten months, and he wasn’t sure how he was going to feel when he did see her again. In truth, he’d been trying desperately not to think about it.

  He absent-mindedly looked at the wedding ring on his left hand. He assumed that Charlie would have taken her rings off by now, and he thought that she might think that it was strange if she saw that he was still wearing his. He turned the ring and felt dejected when it came off easily. He looked at it again and then put it in his trouser pocket. Yet as he did he only hoped that Emily wouldn’t notice that he’d taken it off, or that if she did that she wouldn’t read too much into it.

  Matt shook his head to chase this concern away, and he walked out of his room.

  Bex had chosen a nice venue for the wedding. It was a hotel that also had its own church. This made it ideal for wedding parties as the guests could stay at the hotel, walk to the church, and then walk back to the reception afterwards. There were also no undue delays in waiting for people to arrive, and the bride and groom didn’t have to pay any unnecessary transport costs for their guests.

  Matt knew that if Rich had just seen Charlie, it was likely that she’d be at the hotel reception checking in. He headed in that direction at top speed, unsure of why he was so anxious to see her. His original plan had been to avoid her for the most part, unless forced to make polite conversation with her. Yet when Rich had said that she was here he’d known that he needed to see her. How bad could it be he asked himself as he hurtled down the corridors towards the hotel reception?

  He rounded the last corner, and he saw two women and a man standing at the reception desk. He slowed down, and he tried to catch his breath and compose himself as he walked towards them.

  Claire turned round and he saw that she looked momentarily uncomfortable at seeing him, but she just as quickly composed her face into a bright smile that made her blue eyes sparkle.

  “Matt, it’s nice to see you. Wow, look at you looking devilishly handsome in your morning suit. God we must be running really late, we haven’t even changed yet. Well obviously,” she said pointing to her jeans and boots and talking ridiculously quickly.

  He hadn’t really been listening to what she’d been saying though. He’d instead been looking at the back of the woman to her right. He knew this was going to be Charlie, but she looked different even from the back. He noticed that she’d lost weight, and that she’d had her hair cut incredibly short.

  Charlie turned round to face him, and he was momentarily stunned by how well both the haircut and the weight loss suited her. Charlie had always been beautiful, but Matt had never seen her look this stylish. She’d always been naturally pretty and very girl next door. She’d never been about flash clothes or trendy looks, but it seemed that they really suited her. He jealously wondered how many men she must have after her, aside from the guy that was stood with her.

  He noticed as he continued to look at her that her hair cut shaped her face and framed her features. It looked styled but also understated, like she’d just woken up and had run her hands through it. Her eyes seemed bolder somehow with the hair cut, and her cheekbones looked more defined and prominent. Yet he knew the definition might have been from her weight loss.

  From the front it was even more evident that Charlie was much thinner than he’d ever known her, but she looked amazing and it made her look taller. Matt couldn’t help but stare at her as he tried to look her over as subtly as possible, but he guessed that he’d failed at subtlety when she smiled at him. It was just that all of her clothes were figure hugging, and she’d looked really good in them.

  “Hi, I’m Adam,” the guy stood next to Charlie said as he held out his hand to Matt.

  Feeling very conscious that he hadn’t spoken Matt shook hands with Adam, but as he did he looked him squarely in the face and thought that he disliked this man intensely. He also wondered if he was aware that Charlie was married. That Charlie was actually his wife.

  “Matt,” he said releasing Adam’s hand and then asking as nonchalantly as he could; “you’re here with Charlie and Claire?”

  Adam nodded and said; “I drove them up from London this morning.”

  London Matt thought. So that’s where Charlie had gone when she’d left Cheddar. He’d never imagined that she’d head there, or that she’d go and stay with Claire. In fact he wondered how that had even come about given that Claire hadn’t shown the slightest bit of interest in visiting Charlie after the accident.

  “My better half,” Claire said moving to stand by Adam and looping her arm ar
ound his.

  “I don’t disbelieve it,” Matt said smiling at Claire but also feeling a massive wave of relief that this guy wasn’t accompanying Charlie this weekend.

  Claire returned his smile almost smugly, and he knew that she hadn’t missed either his comment or his look of relief. He really disliked her at times he thought.

  “Your room keys,” the receptionist said.

  “Come on,” Charlie said to Claire taking the keys from the receptionist. “We need to change.”

  “Yeah okay,” Claire said smiling at Charlie.

  “It’s nice to see you,” Charlie said lightly. Yet before he could reply she turned away from him with Claire and Adam, and he watched her walk away carrying her overnight bag in her hand.

  Matt stood there dumbstruck. It’s nice to see you he thought. That was it he asked himself? Nearly ten years of marriage, and a fifteen year relationship in total before she’d walked out on him, and that was all she had to say to him now. She surely had to be joking he asked himself?

  He shook his head and remembered that for her, he was just some moody guy that she’d had to live with for six months. He was just some good for nothing guy that had slept with her once and had then walked out on her. What had he been expecting he thought? Added to which, on thinking about it he hadn’t actually said anything to her. He’d just stood there looking her over and probably making her feel ridiculously uncomfortable. He shook his head despairingly.

  “Matt, what are you doing?” He heard an angry voice ask him from behind, and he turned around and saw Bex stood in a big white dressing gown.

  “Can you please go and attend to your best man duties, and ensure that Rich is where he’s supposed to be?” Bex asked.

  Matt nodded, and dashed off in the direction of Rich’s room. Today was not about him he thought.

  ***

  Matt had felt distracted throughout the wedding, and whilst he’d been stood to Rich’s right – waiting for Bex to make her entrance, he’d felt as anxious as he had when their positions had been reversed almost a decade ago. His eyes had kept wondering over to where he’d known Charlie had been sat, but he hadn’t been able to see her properly. He had however caught a glimpse of her arriving, and he’d been able to see the pretty lilac flower that she had in her hair.