Matt knew that he needed to react so differently from anything that Claire could have been expecting from him, that he could be confident that she’d never tell Charlie what had been said between them. He never wanted Charlie to know that he was giving up a second chance to be with her, and he felt sure that if he could be cold, callous, and uncaring enough, then he could be certain that Claire would never tell Charlie that he knew the truth about her memory.
He knew what he had to do, and he’d deal with the ramification of his own emotions afterwards. He took out the divorce papers that he’d been sent and he signed them, and as he’d expected Claire had reacted angrily. Yet he’d refused to bite, even when she thrown Rich’s name at him, and when she’d stormed out of his office he knew that she’d never tell Charlie the truth. Once she’d gone though he felt tears stinging in his eyes and a numbness settle in his heart, but he knew that this feeling would pass and that later it’d be replaced with pain.
This was the most desperate that he’d been for drugs since Rich’s wedding, and he fought the urge to find something to take or to write a script for himself. He knew that he needed to talk to someone, but unlike all the other times when he’d felt like this and he’d turned to Emily he knew that this time he couldn’t do that. Right now, Emily was just about the last person in the world that he wanted to see.
He took off his white coat, and grabbed his black jacket that was hanging on the back of his door. He had to talk to someone or else he knew that he’d find something to take, and as he walked down the corridor he took his mobile out of his pocket and dialled the only number that he could think of.
“Rich? You in? Really need to talk to you if you are.” Matt said by way of message on Rich and Bex’s answer phone, hoping that they were in and just screening their calls as he knew they did.
“Matt?” Bex asked.
“Is Rich in?” He asked.
“Yeah,” she said; “he’s just in the kitchen making a cup of tea. Hang on he’ll be in in a minute.”
“Tell him I’m coming round,” Matt said hanging up and increasing the speed of his strides.
***
“What’s the emergency?” Rich asked as he opened the door to Matt.
“I don’t know where to start,” Matt said as he walked straight down the hall and into the kitchen.
“Tea,” Rich said.
“Got anything stronger?” Matt asked.
Rich pulled out two bottles of beer from the fridge.
“I just had a visit from Claire at the hospital,” Matt said flatly.
Rich nearly choked on his beer and coughed. “Oh yeah, what did she want?” He asked nervously.
“To talk about Charlie,” Matt said. Yet he was eyeing Rich suspiciously. He always knew when Rich was hiding something, and right now he could see that Rich was hiding something. He looked as guilty now as he had when they’d been sixteen, and he’d turned up at Matt’s house to tell him that he’d asked Charlie to go to the cinema with him on a date.
“What about Charlie?” Rich asked trying to sound surprised but sounding more interrogatory.
“I think you know,” Matt said suddenly feeling like he was the last one to find out a secret just as he had been back then.
“What did Claire say?” Rich asked apprehensively.
Matt knew that Rich was in on it instantly, and he said accusatorially; “I think you already know what she said.”
“We agreed not to tell you. We thought it was for the best,” Rich said defensively.
“The best for who?” Matt demanded.
“For you,” Rich said.
“How do you know what’s best for me?” Matt asked loudly as Bex came into the kitchen to see what was going on, and what was causing the raised voices.
“We were there mate. We watched you go through six months of hell. We watched your life crumble around you,” he said; “and then after Charlie left we watched you completely fall apart.”
“We watched you put it about,” Bex added; “and take anything that made you not have to face reality. We watched as Emily picked you up, cleaned you down, and put you back together again.”
“What you know as well?” Matt asked disbelievingly.
"I thought you were happy with Emily mate. If I’d have thought for the slightest moment that you weren’t,” Rich said; “I’d have told you.”
“When did you find out?” Matt asked.
“What?” Rich asked nervously.
“How long have you known Rich?” Matt asked.
Rich avoided looking at Matt and said; “a while. Claire showed up here about a week after Charlie went to London. She wanted to tell you then, but I persuaded her not to.”
Matt stood thinking for a second and then said; “so you knew at the wedding?
He already knew the answer. He just wanted confirmation to add things up in his head.
Rich and Bex both nodded.
“That’s why you were so nervous when you told me that she’d arrived? That’s why you were so emotional when she was talking to you at the end of the night?” Matt asked piecing it all together.
“It was just really good to see the old Charlie again,” Rich said. “Sorry,” he said more to Bex than Matt.
“When Nick and I thought we’d seen some sign of recognition in Charlie’s face during my speech,” Matt said; “you lied to me.”
“I was trying to protect you,” Rich said.
“Come on Matt, you know he was only trying to do right by you. It shouldn’t matter anyway. You’ve moved on with your life, and you’re happy with Emily aren’t you?” Bex asked.
Matt looked at her, but he was unable to answer.
“You’re not happy?” Rich asked him.
“I get by,” Matt said.
“What the hell does that mean?” Bex asked irritably.
“Emily’s nice. She’s caring you know, and she looks after me. Am I happy? Yeah I suppose so, sometimes. Do I love her? Erm, maybe! But is it anywhere near what I had with Charlie? No, it doesn’t even close. Do I still think about Charlie? Er, yeah, pretty much constantly actually. Can I imagine a bright and happy future with Emily? No. Do I owe her one? Absolutely I do,” Matt said.
Rich and Bex looked at Matt, and then at each other.
“If Emily wasn’t in the picture, would you get back together with Charlie even after everything that’s happened between you?” Bex asked.
Matt gave her a look which said that surely the answer to that was obvious.
“Okay,” Bex said in response; “then you have to end things with Emily. Being with her out of guilt or some skewed sense of gratitude isn’t right, and it’s not fair on her either.”
Matt looked at Bex like it was the first time that he’d ever met her.
“Hidden depths,” Rich said reading Matt’s mind and Matt nodded in agreement.
Bex smiled and said; “ha bloody ha. I’m not always a scatterbrain, but it is a convenient role to play most of the time. It gets me my own way.”
Rich smiled at her, and then turned back to Matt and said; “look, you never need the answer about what you should do to come from me. You always know what you need to do. It’s just that you’re usually too scared to do it, so you wait. You waited in school and got pissed off that I asked Charlie out first, and now you’re doing it again. Go home, face Emily, and then go and get Charlie back.”
“It’s not that easy,” Matt said.
“No it’s not. You’ve got to break one girl’s heart, and then tell another about how bad you’ve been. Telling the truth hurts Matt,” Bex said.
“No. Well yeah what you just said obviously,” he said; “but I signed divorce papers.”
“When,” Rich said sounding shocked.
“Does it matter?” Matt asked sounding and looking obviously embarrassed.
“Matt. Focus. Try solving one problem at a time. Emily’s the first problem. You can worry about Charlie later. I’d also try getting Charlie back in your life again
, before you start worrying about the fact that you’re getting divorced. Plus, I reckon nothing says I’m sorry quite like a second wedding!” Bex said smiling.
Matt smiled broadly and kissed Bex fully on the lips.
“Oi,” Rich said; “that’s my wife!”
“Now you know how we always feel when you do that to Charlie,” Matt said winking at Bex and slapping Rich on the shoulder. He walked down the hall, but then stopped and turned back to look at them.
“What if Charlie doesn’t want me back when she knows what I’ve done?” Matt asked.
“Then you know,” Bex said with a note of finality in her voice.
Matt nodded and left the house.
Emily
Things since the wedding hadn’t been right between her and Matt. He was drifting away from her and she didn’t know what to do to get him back.
When he’d first come out of rehab it had been easier. He’d depended on her, and he’d allowed her to take care of him. He’d leant on her at work, and at home. She’d become his plus one to all of his work events, and to all of his friend’s parties and dinners. She’d sat next to him and she’d felt proud of the recovery that he’d made, knowing that she’d been an integral part of it. She’d played the waiting game and she’d got her reward for doing so, but she could see that there were other vultures out there vying for her position.
Matt was incredibly handsome, and being a doctor had made him even more of a prized catch. Yet he’d been married for so long, and he’d been so obviously in love with Charlie, that he had created some kind of an invisible field around him that other women had seemed to respect. He’d flirted with them and they’d flirted back, but they’d always known where to toe the line.
Since she’d been in his life though, it was a different story. She hadn’t managed the level of respect that Charlie had earned, and women everywhere were no longer toeing the line. Most in fact were now blatantly crossing it. Even when she was stood next to Matt holding his hand, women would slip their number into his pocket at work events or boldly kiss him on the lips.
She’d tried to talk to him about this, but he had been defensive and had said that he didn’t encourage it. He’d shied away from making any kind of commitment to her, and she hadn’t wanted to force the issue. She was happy to be his girlfriend, live in his house and share his life, but she needed a way of keeping his attention.
Her worries had been further intensified at the wedding. She’d seen the way that he’d acted around Charlie, and the way that he’d watched her, and she’d known that if he ever found out the truth about Charlie’s memory he’d be off like a shot. Then she’d be all alone again.
When they’d come back to Birmingham she’d been even more attentive to him than she had been before, and she thought that she was being the ideal girlfriend. She had a career, and she worked alongside her man. She kept their home clean and tidy, she cooked for him and looked after him, and she made love to him whenever he wanted. She would also often treat him to other sexual favours at work, determined not to give him any reason to wonder or stray.
She could play the long game she thought, and hopefully with the wedding over her biggest threat had passed. Charlie was completely out of his life and he had no idea about her memory. She was his life now, and just the other day when she’d been in his office at work hadn’t she seen divorce papers in his drawer? If she continued to be patient, she knew he would eventually commit to her.
Matt had been married for over a decade, and aside from a string of meaningless one night stands she was the only woman that he’d been with since Charlie. She knew that he was the type of man who liked to be in a committed relationship, and she felt sure that if she continued to play everything right he would make her his wife eventually.
She was sat on the sofa watching the news when Matt came in through the front door, and she leant up on her elbow and looked at the clock on the wall.
“I thought you were on duty till six?” She asked surprised to see him.
“Yeah I am,” he said distractedly. “I had to leave, but I’ve got my pager on me.”
“Oh okay,” she said lying back down; “everything okay?”
He didn’t answer, and she watched as he took off his jacket and hung it up. She followed him with her eyes as he walked over to sit on the coffee table in front of her, and she felt suddenly nervous. He had his work face on. He was calm and composed, and she knew that he was about to deliver bad news to her. She’d seen this look on his face at the hospital many times before.
She tried to distract him before he could say anything. She sat up quickly, and put her hands on either side of his face and kissed him. He pulled back from her, and he lightly took her hands from his face and placed them gently in her lap.
“I need to talk to you,” he said calmly looking at her and waiting for her to meet his eyes.
Emily looked up into his incredibly handsome face, and into his beautiful hazel coloured eyes, and she tried to smile brightly.
“Okay,” she said as positively as she could.
“I owe you so much. You’ve watched out for me, and supported me, and I know that without you I’d have probably lost my career,” he said putting his hand to her face and softly stroking her cheek with his thumb. “You’ve kept me on the straight and narrow since rehab, and you’ve been the best girlfriend that I could ever have asked for. But I feel like I’m not being fair to you.”
“Yes you are,” she said putting her hand to his face now and stroking his cheek with her thumb.
“Emily. I want to break up,” he said calmly. But she noted that his tone had a note of finality in it.
Her hand dropped from his cheek, and she could feel a lump rising in her throat and tears tingling in her eyes. “Why?” She asked.
“Both people in a relationship need to feel the same way about each other, and that’s just not the case here. You’re bringing far more to our relationship than I am,” he said; “and in truth I just feel too indebted to you.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel that way,” she said crying now. “I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” he said. “I should feel indebted to you, and I always will be indebted to you, but I can’t base a relationship on that.”
“Don’t you love me?” She asked through her tears.
She watched his face for signs of the answer that she was hoping for. His was after all a face that she’d studied like she’d studied for exams at school. She had seen him go to hell and back, and she felt sure that she knew his emotions better than even he did. She knew deep down that he didn’t love her, but she had hoped that he could learn to. That would have been enough for her.
“I’m sorry Emily,” he said taking her hands in his; “but I don’t.”
Emily dropped her head, and she felt her tears pour down her face with more urgency than before.
“Please Emily,” he said wiping her tears away with his thumbs; “please don’t cry.”
“Then say you love me,” she said desperately.
He looked into her face, and for the first time she saw his composure falter. She saw that his face was filled with guilt as he said simply; “I can’t.”
“Is it because you can’t love me? Or because you can’t love anyone other than Charlie?” She asked as she looked into his striking hazel coloured eyes.
He sat silently for a minute, and she knew that he was calculating what he considered would be the impact on her of his answer either way.
“Any man in his right mind should love you. You’re generous, you’re caring, you’re beautiful, and you’re giving in lots of different ways,” he said smiling his cheeky smile at her.
“So why don’t you? Why can’t you?” She asked refusing to return his smile.
“My heart got so badly broken,” he said; “that I’m not sure I’m capable of loving anyone anymore.”
Emily now felt terribly guilty. She’d been so consumed with her
feelings, and her desires about being his girlfriend, that she’d never really considered the impact on him of losing Charlie. Yet now that she thought about this that was ridiculous. She had after all witnessed that carnage.
She’d seen the drinking, the drugs, the women, and she’d thought that they were all just short term coping mechanisms. She’d believed that he’d eventually move on with his life, but it was clear to her now in a way that it hadn’t been before that he hadn’t. She looked into his face again and she realised that not only had he not moved on, but that he didn’t even seem to want to try.
“I love you,” she said knowing at last what the right thing to do for him – the man that she loved, and Charlie – the only friend that she’d ever known, was.
“I know,” he said looking guiltier now than he had before.
“I’m not saying it to make you feel bad. I just want you to know that I love you, and that’s the reason why I’ve been keeping something from you,” she said not letting her eyes drop from his.
He looked at her, and she saw him scrutinising her face.
“A while back I had a visit from Claire,” Emily said. To which she saw Matt’s head drop momentarily. Yet when he looked back up at her, she noticed that all traces of guilt that had previously lined his face had gone. He looked like his conscience had just been wiped clean.
“She came to tell me something about Charlie,” Emily continued feeling confused by what she was seeing in Matt’s face.
He put his hand gently back to her face, and he kissed her lightly on the lips and said; “Claire is, and always has been trouble. Whatever she told, it would’ve been a lie.”
Emily watched him get up and put his jacket on. “Where are you going?” She asked him.
“I really ought to go back to the hospital and see out my shift,” he said.
“Should I not be here when you get back?” She asked.
“I’m going to take a couple of day’s annual leave. I need to get away to clear my head,” he said from the back door. “You’re welcome here for as long as it takes you to find somewhere new,” he said sincerely. She then watched him walk out of the house and close the door behind him.
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