I slowly turn, taking a moment to try and steady my thundering heartbeat. His beautiful face worried and nervous, his eyes searching mine for the answer he so clearly desires, but his expression changes as soon as our eyes connect. It’s now or never. I push against his warm, hard chest. “Why would you ask me that?” The quiver in my voice betrays me. He doesn’t move, his eyes boring into me. “Why would you think that’s what I want? Have I ever given you the impression that I want to live with you?”
He opens his mouth. “Addi…” I cut him off, the hurt in his eyes too much for me to bear.
“I can’t do this, Carter. I’m not this person. I thought you knew that. I don’t WANT this.” I duck under his arm, trying to get away from his imposing presence, but he grabs my arm.
“Wait a goddamn minute, Addison. You don’t get to say something like that to me and walk away. Not after everything we’ve gone through to get here; everything we mean to each other. I know you… and this isn’t you.”
“You obviously don’t know me, Carter. I warned you more than once, but you’re fucking relentless. I’m not the girl you fall in love with or live happily ever after with. I’m the girl you screw before you find that girl.” His grip tightens as I try to make a break for the elevators.
“That’s bullshit and you know it. You’re scared, I get it. I even expected it… but this… I don’t know what the fuck is going on right now, Addi. You need to explain this to me.” My heart splinters in my chest, wreaking havoc on my body, tearing me to shreds.
“What do you want from me? I’m not the settling down type. We’ve had a great time together, Italy was amazing and I will always cherish it, but we both know deep down this is never going to last. Let’s just part ways now before it gets complicated and ugly.”
“I thought we were on the same page, Addi. This isn’t just a fling for me, and I don’t think it is for you either. Something has you spooked, way beyond me asking you to move in. Whatever it is, you can tell me, we can work it out. As long as we’re together, nothing else matters. Remember what I told you, Tesoro – Just you and me now.” He lifts his hand in a tender gesture to stroke my face; his movements careful and wary, as if trying to soothe a lame animal.
I flinch at his touch, watching his heart break at my reaction. “Don’t make this harder than it needs to be. I’m sorry I hurt you. It was never my intention.” I turn on my heels making a hasty retreat to the elevators, but just as I enter the open doors, I find myself spun around to face Carter, his arms tight on my biceps.
“You can’t just fucking walk out on me like this. You don’t get to make that decision by yourself. I told you I would fight for you, for us, even when you aren’t willing to.”
The elevator attendant steps up. “Is this man bothering you, miss?”
“Yes. He won’t let go of me.” The look on Carter’s face is pained, tortured and devastated - and I hate that I’m the one causing it.
“Take your hands off the lady, sir, before I call security.”
He lets go, stumbling back in shock.
“Addi…”
As the doors close between us, I leave my shattered heart at the top of the Empire State Building, with the only man I’ve ever really loved, my name a strangled plea on his lips.
“Addi… please…”
I take a deep breath, tears flowing freely down my cheeks as I wait for the doors to open onto the lobby. When they finally do, I hurry from the building, but a strong arm grabs my wrist. The voice of a broken man behind me.
“Why are you doing this to us, Addi? Talk to me.”
“I’ve said all there is to say. It’s over. Please, just let me go. I’m not this girl.”
“You’re MY girl. Tesoro. I know you love me. Tell me you don’t and I’ll let you go, I’ll never bother you again.”
I can’t look him in the eye. “I don’t love you, Carter.” There is no conviction in my voice and he knows it.
“I don’t believe you. Fucking look at me and tell me you’re not in love with me. Tell me that when we’re together you don’t feel the most intense connection you’ve ever felt to another person on this whole goddamn planet.” He grabs my face, forcing me to look at him; his eyes wild with fear and desperation. “You can’t say it, Addi, because it isn’t true.”
I gulp down the lump in my throat, steeling myself for the biggest lie I will ever tell. I let out the breath I’ve been holding for what seems like forever, firmly putting the wall in place that I’ve cultivated over the years. A blank expression betraying the agony raging inside me.
“I don’t love you, Carter. I’m sorry I let it go on this long. You deserve so much more, and I can’t give it to you. I got carried away with the idea of it all, but… I’m not in love with you.” I lean in to kiss his lips. My last selfish act toward the man that taught me what true love really is. His taste will be forever emblazoned in my memory, his smell a lasting imprint on my senses, his touch a permanent mark on my soul.
As I pull back to bask in his beautiful eyes for the last time, my heart is broken into a million pieces, scattered to the ends of the Earth; his chocolate brown depths begging me to stay. The last words he says to me as I pull out of his grasp will forever haunt my dreams. His low, rasping voice thick with emotion.
“I will always love you, Addison, but if you walk away now, don’t come back, because I can’t do this again. Not with you, Tesoro. I won’t.”
As I walk away, the only comfort I have as my world crumbles around me, is that a piece of him is growing inside me, a part of him that I will keep, cherish, and love until my dying breath.
I can’t stay in the city one more night. If I do, I will end up at Carter’s door, begging him to forgive me, to take me back; plead with him to want this baby. I furiously throw anything and everything into a suitcase. I can barely see what I’m picking up through the tears that sting my eyes. Sobs wrack my body, my eyes swollen and bruised from hours of crying. My breath is labored as I pack up my life. The life I love - with Lily, and Carter. I haphazardly stuff my toiletries into the case before zipping it up and wheeling it out into the hallway.
As I reach the door to my apartment I take a moment to reminisce about all of the special moments I’ve had in this wonderful place, my home. I grab a notepad from the console table and scribble a note for Lily before closing the door behind me. I know the first thing she’ll do when she finds out I broke up with Carter - she’ll come looking for me, and I need to let her know that I’m okay, or at least I will be… one day… maybe.
I hail a cab and head for the airport. I don’t know where I’m going, but I guess I’ll find out when I get there.
CARTER
Four Weeks Later
The sunlight burns my eyes as I awake in a haze. I stink of booze and I’m not sure where I am. I’m not surprised or worried, this has become my life recently – par for the course.
Every day is the same - one long endless void, flowing into the next. I work, I drink, and I sleep. Sometimes I sleep with whichever random woman offers herself to me on a slutty platter. Basically, it’s back to the good old days for me. As the room slowly comes into focus I realize I’m in a cell. Holy Fuck, what did I do last night? I’m too out of it to care; I don’t care about anything anymore, so I close my eyes and drift off, only to be startled awake by banging on the bars next to where my head is resting.
“What the fuck, Carter?” Xander? What the hell is he doing here? And why the fuck is my back killing me?
I slowly lift my pounding head, my vision skewed as I take in the disapproving look on my best friend’s face. “Why are you here? Shouldn’t you be on your honeymoon?”
“I got back three weeks ago and I’ve seen you since then. You’re just living in a permanent drunken haze and can’t fucking remember it. I need to post your bail so we can get the fuck out of here.” He returns fifteen minutes later with an officer to open my cell. I get my keys and wallet and head out into the far too bright morning ligh
t. He immediately gives me shit. “What are you doing? You need to snap out of it.”
I see red. “Oh really. Is that all I need to do? I didn’t realize it was so fucking easy. I’ll get right on that.”
“Shut the fuck up, Carter. I’m trying to help you.” He opens the door to the car, but I just can’t be around him, so I start walking. I associate him with Lily, and everything about Lily is a stark reminder that Addi is gone.
“Why don’t you just go back to your perfect life with your perfect wife and leave me the fuck alone, Xander? I don’t need to see the fucking pity on your face.”
“Just get in the fucking car. Lily and I are worried about you. She wants to see you. She asked me to find out where Addi is… and I heard back from my investigator this morning. I know where she is man. Just come back to my place and we can decide what to do.”
He’s staring at me expectantly, waiting for me to get in the car. Just the mention of her name is like a knife in my chest. “I don’t give a flying FUCK! She gave up on me. She doesn’t love me, so why the fuck would I give a shit about where she is?” I’m shouting in the middle of the street, but I can’t rein in the fury I feel roiling inside me. “Just leave me the fuck alone.”
I start walking in the general direction of my apartment, listening as Xander yells my name, but I just don’t care. Half an hour later I find myself standing outside Cube. It won’t be open for another twelve hours, but there’s a couch in my office with my name on it, and a bottle of Jack in the cabinet that will numb the ache in my chest… at least for the next few hours.
The pulsing beat of the packed club just outside my office door wakes me from my stupor. I feel like hammered shit as I shuffle into my private bathroom, and the man staring back at me in the mirror looks even worse. Every movement is a major effort for my weary muscles as I drop yesterday’s disgusting clothes to the floor and step under the showerhead, letting the water cascade over every inch of my aching flesh. I rest my throbbing head against the cold tiles, easing the banging of the marching band that’s taken up residence in my brain. I can feel something on my back, remembering that it was sore before I fell asleep, and as I run my hand over my shoulder blades, I have a flashback to the night before – sitting in the chair of a tattoo shop. I rip the covering from my skin; pain and dread creeping through my veins. The night begins to come back to me in a movie reel of events. I left the club early after drinking far too much Scotch and stumbled into the tattoo shop. Oh fuck. The memory of my slurred request is like a bucket of ice water in the face – Tesoro. I want you to write ‘Tesoro’ on my back. Big and black and broken, just like my fucking heart. Jesus… I’m such an idiot. As if my tormented soul wasn’t enough of a reminder, now I have a permanent testament to the biggest mistake I ever made.
How did I not see it coming? I thought she loved me back. I thought that she wanted me, that she needed me, just as much as I need her.
As I slide down the tiles to the floor in a crumpled mess, I drop my head, broken, battered and bruised… my body, my mind and what’s left of my useless shell of a heart. Grief takes over. I would have given her anything and everything she wanted in this life, if only she could have loved me. I failed again, on an epic scale. I couldn’t protect myself from Addi, and I obviously didn’t protect her from the demons that continue to plague her. I’m so disappointed in myself. I swore after Vittoria that I would always protect the ones I love.
The rest of the evening comes flooding back as I curl into the corner of the shower, my arms around my knees as I try in vain to hold it together.
“Hey, handsome, mind if I join you?” I’m propped up at the bar of a complete dive, the sting of my new tattoo distracting me from the other ache that is now a constant presence in my life.
“Fuck if I care.”
“You sure know how to sweet talk a girl.”
Who the fuck does she think she’s talking to? “Do I LOOK like I need to sweet talk a woman into bed? They willingly drop their panties for me like the good little sluts they are. Is that what you’re looking for, baby? Hop the fuck on.”
“Asshole.”
She turns and walks away, but I’m too drunk to care, or to keep my mouth shut. “You’re right, honey, I act like a complete fucking asshole. Do you know why? Because women like you LET ME! Dumb whores that can’t bend over quick enough for me.”
I’ve attracted an audience now. Four big guys are standing between me and the girl. “I think you need to apologize to the lady.”
“Pffftt! Lady? Don’t make me laugh.”
The bartender leans over the bar. “I think it’s time you leave before you get yourself into trouble.”
The guys now surrounding me seem to be getting larger. “Listen to him... dickhead. Get out before we throw you out on your ass.”
“I’d like to see you fucking try.” My fist connects with his jaw before he knows what’s hit him. I’m fighting all four of them, punch after punch, taking blow after blow. I’m holding my own with these guys, but I’m out numbered and I’m drunk. Two of them grab a hold of my arms, one on either side of me as a third guy gives me a swift knee to the stomach. I drop to my knees, and just before his fist slams into my face, I hear a siren in the distance. The door opens and in walk two police officers. I slump to the floor when the guys holding me let go, before being I’m hauled to my feet, cuffed, and taken out into the back of the squad car. That’s the last I remember.
The water turns cold, jolting me back to the here and now. I stare at my body, noticing the bruises, the tell-tale signs of the night before. No wonder I feel like shit. As I step out the shower and grab a towel, I can see my back in the mirror. There in big black scroll – TESORO – in permanent ink between my shoulder blades. Fuck! I will never say that word out loud again. It physically hurts. How is it possible to love someone so goddamn much, and hate them in equal measure at the same time? I don’t know how many times I’ve gone over that night in my head. What could I have done differently to make her stay? If I had never asked her to move in, would we still be together now? So many questions that I can never answer. And even if I could, it wouldn’t change the outcome. I wasn’t enough for her. I wanted to build a life, and a future, and a family with her, and she didn’t want it… she didn’t want… me.
I quickly dress in a pair of black jeans and a white T-shirt that I keep here at the office. I don’t even bother with boxers because they’ll just be in the way later, when I find a hot chick to bang. Addi doesn’t want me, but there’s plenty of willing pussy in this city for me to lose myself in, and that’s exactly what I plan to do tonight.
Her tongue slips into my ear, sending a jolt straight to my dick as I grind against her on the dance floor; her nails digging into my ass, pulling me closer. I swear she’s trying to get off on my leg right here in the middle of the club.
“Let’s take this to my office, baby.” Her eyes light up, her teeth biting into her bottom lip as she nods in agreement.
“You can take me any-where-you-want, sailor.” I flinch at the term of endearment, but quickly shake it off. I drag her through the crowds, praying she’ll keep her mouth shut while I fuck her. As soon as we’re behind closed doors she’s tearing at me like a deranged animal.
“You hungry for me, baby? Why don’t you wrap those lips of yours around my cock?” She immediately drops to her knees, unzipping my jeans, pulling my cock free. “That’s it. Open wide, sweetheart.”
She doesn’t expect any preamble or pretense of romance, she just does exactly as I ask, fisting the base of my cock before taking it fully into her mouth. She quickly starts pumping and sucking me until I’m rock-hard against her tongue. I close my eyes, distracted by her blonde curls bobbing up and down in front of me. As she picks up pace I can feel myself getting closer, until visions of Addi on her knees flash into my mind. Her luscious lips wrapped around me, her silken black hair flowing down her back as she teased me with her tongue, long, torturous, luxurious licks; the scent of c
herries intoxicating me as she worked me into a frenzy. She felt so fucking good. Her tiny satisfied moans vibrating along the length of me.
“That’s it, Tesoro, take me as deep as you can. Do you feel how hard I am for you, Addi?”
“My name’s Amy, but…”
“I don’t fucking care what your name is, sweetheart. I just want to fuck you. Are you okay with that?”
“Yes.” She flicks her tongue over the tip of my cock, moaning her delight.
“I like ‘Tesoro,’ you can call me that.”
As her lips return to the head of my cock, I’m shocked and disgusted by myself. How could I call her that? As much as I need to shoot my load right now, this girl’s mouth is not going to cut it. I push her away.
“Just get out.”
“I’m not done. Let me make you feel good.”
“GET THE FUCK OUT!”
She gets up from kneeling on the floor for a fucking stranger, and grabs her bag. Before she slams the door, she gives me the death stare. “You’re a fucking psycho. I feel sorry for Addi… whoever the fuck she is.”
I pick up a glass from my desk and hurl it at the closed door. “FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!” It shatters all over the floor. I run my hands through my hair, feeling completely out of control of my own fucking life. “Why the fuck did you do this to me, Addi?” I grab a new bottle of Jack taking a long swig before it joins the shattered glass on the floor. “I fucking loved you. I still fucking do. You ripped my goddamn heart out. Why can’t I hate you?”
I start throwing anything and everything I can get my hands on; my computer, iPad, even my fucking stapler crashes against the wall as I unleash all the pent-up rage from the past month. I have been so fucking numb, unable to feel anything beyond the crushing nothingness that the loss of her has left inside me.
Relentless - Manhattan Knights Series Book Two Page 17