by Aly Martinez
For the following months, I used every possible excuse to travel with my father from where we lived in Chicago to On The Ropes in Indianapolis.
Much to my surprise, Quarry never did find a way to quit the youth program. It didn’t escape me that his name was never once on the board for bathroom duty. I also noted the way his eyes lit up every time I would walk into a room. I pretended to play it cool when he was around. The last thing I needed was for him to know how much I liked him.
I suspected that it was a wasted effort.
Because I knew for certain exactly how much he liked me.
I HAD BEEN A FIGHTER from the day I’d taken my first breath on Earth.
Literally.
Born six weeks early to absolute losers for parents, I wasn’t even guaranteed survival. Luckily, my lungs and my heart didn’t need love or affection to thrive. Lord knows I never would have made it home from the hospital if that had been the case.
My childhood had gone much like my birth. I’d grown up, kicking and screaming, in a world I was much too young for. My older brothers, Till and Flint, were the only reasons I’d thrived at all. Flint was only five years older than I was, and Till six years older than he was, but they had done everything in their meager powers to keep me fed, clothed, and out of the care of Social Services.
Back then, the concept of stability had felt about as realistic as wizards and mythical beasts.
Insecurity was what I knew.
It wasn’t something to fear.
It just…was.
I was the ripe old age of ten when my mom took off with her piece-of-shit boyfriend. I wished I could have been surprised that she abandoned us like that, but I’d never known Debbie Page to be anything but worthless. If possible, my dad, Clay Page, was actually worse. He was serving time in prison when she left, so the responsibility of caring for Flint and me fell entirely on Till’s shoulders. Already working his ass off at three jobs to make ends meet, he also spent countless hours at the gym to fulfill his dream of becoming a professional boxer. But, Till being Till, he didn’t bat an eye about taking us in.
The excitement I felt knowing that he and his now-wife, Eliza, would be taking care of us permanently was unexplainable. He gave me a comfy bed with clean sheets and more ramen noodles than I would ever be able to choke down. But, honestly, I wouldn’t have given a single damn if I’d had to fall asleep hungry on a cardboard box every night. The only part I could focus on was that I finally belonged somewhere. And, even though we didn’t have a dime in our pockets, each night, as the four of us sat around the dinner table laughing and relentlessly making fun of each other, it felt like the first time I actually had something.
It was a scary realization.
Because, for the first time in my life, I found myself with something to lose.
Cue Liv James.
Liv rocked my entire world the moment I met her. There was something about the mischievous glint in her big, brown doe eyes that spoke to me on a level a ten-year-old couldn’t even begin to understand.
But, somehow, I did.
Or, at least, I desperately wanted to.
She entered my life during a brief period when all the stars had momentarily aligned.
It wasn’t until it all exploded, throwing my entire world out of orbit, that I realized she was the greatest gift I’d ever been given.
After we’d met in that back alley, Liv and I became close—or as close as a fourth-grader and a fifth-grader who lived three hours apart could be. I saw her once every few weeks, and those were the best days of my life.
On the outside, we were the most unlikely of friends, but on the inside, she and I had been cut from the same cloth. Everyone knew I was trouble. I had a good heart, but I kept it buried under layers of attitude and a million curse words. I’d learned years earlier that no one could damage what they didn’t know you had.
My heart became my best-kept secret.
Liv was the exact opposite. She wore her heart on her sleeve and exuded innocence. With straight, brown hair and olive-toned skin, she looked like a tiny Hispanic angel. I knew her better than that though. Liv didn’t have an innocent bone in her body. That girl made my brand of trouble look amateur. And, because of that, she quickly became my best friend and partner in crime.
Together, we pulled off countless pranks at the gym. They were harmless for the most part. Normal kid-type stuff. We both found it utterly fascinating, the havoc we could wreak with a single tube of crazy glue. At the end of the day, it never failed. I always got caught and she always giggled while watching me run punishment laps around the track. I swear my cardio was on point back in those days.
Six months after I’d met Liv, my newfound happiness took a huge hit.
It was easily the worst day of my life…at that point.
“You’re going deaf. Just like me,” Till blurted out.
I froze with my spoon halfway to my mouth.
Tears welled in his eyes, and that alone was scary as fuck. Till was the rock in our family; he didn’t break down.
Ever.
Flint immediately pushed to his feet and began pacing the room. “Oh, God.”
“What?” I asked, thoroughly confused as my eyes bounced between my two older brothers, who were obviously freaking the fuck out.
I wasn’t sure what to think. Those two screwed with me on a daily basis. I was the youngest of three boys—being the butt of their jokes was a way of life. I was far from gullible, but either they had stepped their game up or it wasn’t a joke at all.
My heart pounded in my chest. “Wait. You’re serious?”
“It’s genetic, Q. You and me both have it. Flint, you tested negative,” Till said, but his eyes stayed glued to me.
This little announcement had come completely out of left field. We were supposed to be sitting down for a normal family dinner, and now, all of a sudden, I was deaf?
What the fuck is going on?
I’m a man. I’m a man. I’m a man.
Men don’t cry.
Except the bullshit pooling in my eyes said differently.
“Are you fucking with me?” I asked around the overwhelming emotion lodged in my throat.
Till shook his head, and he didn’t even yell at me for cursing.
He wasn’t fucking with me.
“It’s gonna be okay. I swear to God. I’m going to make this okay,” he said as if it were supposed to be reassuring.
It wasn’t. Not while the word deaf still rang in my soon-to-be useless ears.
“When?” I choked out, fighting down any and every possible emotion. “When am I going…deaf?”
“I don’t know. It’s supposedly degenerative. That means it will happen over time.”
Blinking, I sucked in a deep breath. “You’re full of shit.”
He wasn’t, but I clung to whatever hope I could grasp. I had no real concept of what deaf meant. I knew that it meant you couldn’t hear, but I couldn’t wrap my young mind around the depths of that reality.
And the unknown was the scariest of all.
More insecurity I just couldn’t handle.
I was beyond terrified but refused to show any weakness in front of the two men to whom I owed my life. My feet attempted to flee from the problem, even though it followed me with every step. I didn’t allow Till or Flint a single glance at my devastation as I sprinted from our apartment. I didn’t know where I was going, but I couldn’t stop until I got there.
I raced down the stairs, and I’d barely made it to the edge of the sidewalk when I came to a screeching halt. Reality came crashing down on my shoulders.
There was nowhere else to go.
No one else who cared about me.
My entire life was in that crappy two-bedroom apartment behind me.
My lungs burned as I held my breath for an impossibly long time. I knew that, when I released it, I wouldn’t be able to hold the tears back anymore. That one breath was the only thing that kept me bound together.
I dropped to my knees as my head began to spin.
Don’t breathe. Don’t breathe. Don’t breathe.
Passing out was better than losing my shit in front of Till and Flint.
Suddenly, Eliza’s voice echoed off the building. “Quarry!” Her feet pounded against the pavement as she rushed from her apartment below ours. “What’s going on? Are you okay?” she asked, squatting in front of me.
I wanted to be a man, but I was failing epically.
At least it was only Eliza. I hated when she babied me. But, right then, as my vision began to tunnel and the inferno spread from my lungs to my chest, I was all too willing to put my pride aside for a single second of comfort.
With a loud exhale, I dove into her open arms. Warm streams of useless tears poured from my eyes.
“What’s going on?” she whispered, holding me tight.
I wrenched my eyes shut.
Till would have to fill her in because I wasn’t anywhere near ready to admit my future sentence to anyone yet.
And that included myself.
It was funny. The world didn’t shut down just because I was going deaf. In some ways, I think I would have felt marginally better if it had. Instead, I woke up the next morning and went to school, to the gym, and then home. I had dinner with my brothers, and Eliza dropped off a pan of my favorite twice-baked cheese potatoes. No one discussed my breakdown from the night before, not even to make fun of me for it. But there was definitely a blanket of anxiety dampening all of our spirits. Till had attempted to cover his own nerves with jokes, but forced laughter was all he got in return. Eventually, he disappeared, presumably down to Eliza’s apartment like he usually did when he thought we were asleep.
The next day went much like the first—until that afternoon when I was finally alone in the On The Ropes locker room, getting ready to spar with one of the fourteen-year-old boys who fought in my weight class. I was so lost in my own misery that I never even heard the door open. Suddenly, two small arms wrapped around my waist from behind.
“What the hell!” I jumped, but the small body clinging to me followed me forward.
Thankfully, before I threw an elbow, I glanced back and recognized Liv’s long, brown hair. Her face was crushed, nose first, against my back and her hands were knotted painfully tight at my stomach.
I was crazy about Liv, but we were young. Touching was still super weird. Our relationship, up until that point, had consisted of cracking jokes and getting in trouble together. With the exception of when we were huddled together in a dark corner, waiting for Derrick Bailey to pick his super-glued jock strap up, I wasn’t sure we had ever touched at all.
“Uh…Liv,” I said, contorting my body to see her.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered into my back.
“For what?”
“That you’re going to lose your hearing.”
“What?!” I yelled jumping forward, but once again, she followed. “Who told you that?”
“I overheard my mom and dad talking. He made me swear not to mention it. So, of course, I came straight to you.”
Fan-fucking-tastic.
I dropped my chin in defeat. “Would you let me go?” I bit out roughly, attempting to pry her hands away.
She was miniscule; I shouldn’t have had any trouble getting her off me. But this was Liv. Even wearing a hot-pink, frilly dress and glittery boots, she still could have taken half the guys in the gym—or, at least, she wouldn’t have hesitated in trying.
“No,” she murmured into my back.
I groaned, dropping my hands to my sides, giving up on trying to shake her off. “I need to be in the ring. And this is the boy’s locker room. You’re gonna get in trouble if Slate catches you in here.”
She continued to talk into my back. “Whatever. I’ll just tell them you forced me in here.”
“Awesome,” I deadpanned.
“Are you scared?” she asked.
“Nah. I’ve gotten used to running laps whenever you’re around.”
“No. I mean…about going…deaf.” She squeezed me tighter as she finished on a whisper.
“Nah. I’m fine,” I lied. God, did I fucking lie. I hadn’t been able to breathe properly for two full days.
Deep breath in.
Hold it until the room spins, forcing me to concentrate on anything but the uncertainty that consumes me.
Fast exhale out, crushing me in its wake.
“Well, I’m scared enough for both of us,” she said softly.
I barked a laugh. “What the hell are you scared of? I’m the one going deaf.”
“The silence.”
I tried to step out of her hold again, but I made no more progress than I had the first time. “What?”
Keeping her face buried in my back, she whispered, “You’re my best friend, Quarry.”
She was more than that for me.
I just didn’t know it yet.
“What the hell are you rambling about, Liv?”
“I was stuck in the apartment after my mom died for a whole day before the cops showed up. I don’t remember a lot. But it was so quiet, Q.” Her body began to tremble.
I wasn’t sure what to do, but instinctively, I shifted back a step, pressing her even closer to me.
“That’s why I wear my headphones all the time. I can’t even sleep without them.” Her voice broke as she nuzzled her face against the back of my T-shirt.
Blink. Blink. Blink.
I opened my mouth to respond three different times, but not a single sound came out. What the hell was I supposed to say to that? Sorry your life is even shittier than mine?
After a sniffle that revealed her tears, she spared me from having to figure it out. “I don’t want you to have to live like that. It’s gonna be so scary, Q.”
I had no response.
I didn’t want to live like that, either.
But I’d survive.
What I wouldn’t do was allow her to worry about me. Don’t get me wrong. I fucking loved that she cared enough about me to be scared. A small part of me was actually reborn with that knowledge, but I didn’t need her sympathy.
No one had ever coddled me before. No need to start now.
“I kinda like when it’s quiet,” I admitted.
“I hate it.”
“News flash, Liv. You don’t have to deal with it. I do. You’re in the clear,” I smarted and immediately felt guilty when her body stiffened behind me.
“If it happens to you, then I have to deal with it too. You watch my back, and I watch yours. It’s the most important rule of being best friends.”
A warmth I’d never felt before washed over me.
I was important to her.
I swallowed around the newly formed lump in my throat. “Okay, what if I promise to be really, really loud when I go deaf? Then you won’t ever have to worry about it again.”
“What if you just promise not to go deaf?”
Fuck, I wished I could do that. For both of us.
“I’ll try.”
“Okay, and while you work on that, I’ll learn sign language. That way, we can still hang out if it happens. I bought a book about it on my iPad last night.”
Another blast of warmth filled my chest.
I had brothers—warmth wasn’t exactly their specialty.
I liked Liv. It was no secret.
But, with an overwhelming rush, I suddenly more than liked her.
In that moment, with her arms wrapped around me and her tears staining the back of my shirt, I never wanted her to let go.
And, for that reason alone, I folded my hand over hers and made a silent vow that, no matter what, I’d never let go, either.
If that meant protecting her from the silence, I was more than up for the fight. No matter how impossible it might be.
“You watch my back, and I watch yours.”
I’d do whatever it took to keep her from being afraid.
Not for me.
Not from her past
.
And definitely not because of anyone else.
Never.
Finally, she released her vise grip on my waist. An unwelcome chill slid over my skin in the absence of her warmth.
Suddenly, touching wasn’t so weird anymore.
It was a necessity.
I took a step away and turned to face her. Reaching out, I caught her small hand in mine, giving it a reassuring squeeze.
“I’m good. I swear.” And, for the first time since Till had dropped the bomb, it wasn’t a lie.
I now had a purpose.
And her name was Liv James.
She craned her head back, and her big, brown eyes bored into my soul unlike anything I’d ever felt before. They were puffy and red from her crying, but they were still mesmerizing.
And comforting.
And exactly why I had to look away.
“What the hell!” Slate boomed.
I released her hand seconds before her fist landed on my chest.
“You jerk!” she yelled at me, but her eyes never turned angry. If anything, they softened.
My gaze flashed to Slate, who looked murderous.
“This is the boys’ locker room, Liv!” he barked, clearly mad to have found her in there. But probably angrier that she was in there alone—with me.
A devilish grin formed on her pink-glossed lips before she spun to face him. “Sorry, Uncle Slate. Quarry pushed me in the hall. I couldn’t let him get away with it. You taught me better than to let a boy hurt me.”
Son of a bitch!
I couldn’t see her face, but I was positive she was batting her lashes. And, as she sniffled and wiped her hands under her tear-stained eyes, I knew she was milking it.
Dropping my head back, I cursed at the ceiling.
“Quarry!” he snapped, but I didn’t need him to finish.
I walked toward the door. “Yeah. I got it. Six laps. I’ll meet you in the ring when I’m done.”
Just as I got to the door, her angelic voice called out, “Later, Q!”
Shaking my head, I responded, “Later, Liv!”
AS TIME PASSED, QUARRY AND I only became closer. We were best friends. And, even though we didn’t get to see each other every day, it was unforgettable each time we were together.