“Very well. Please send Mr. Grinly to me. And Jane, thank you.”
* * * * *
THE DEPARTURE OF THE LADIES brought an end to all conversation in the drawing room. As host, Bingley felt it his obligation to say or do something that would ease the tension in the room, but he was at a loss as to what that should be. It was clear to him that Darcy had surrendered all appearances of disinterestedness and had set himself as a rival to Mr. Grinly for Elizabeth’s favor. This violated the condition of Darcy’s invitation to Netherfield and could lead only to more trouble.
Neither Darcy nor Mr. Grinly spoke. Darcy’s attention seemed to be focused inwardly. His eyes were fixed on the floor in front of him and the only sign of the struggle he was enduring was an occasional shake of his head, as if he were scolding himself for some misdeed. Bingley could easily imagine on what those regrets centered.
Mr. Grinly appeared to be focused outwardly. The majority of his attention was directed to the door through which the ladies had passed. He was not at all familiar with the house, and it seemed as if he were trying to peer through the walls that he might see where Elizabeth was and what Jane might be saying to her.
Darcy had recognized Elizabeth’s confusion and had to agree that the conversation had gone far enough. He knew that his comments had distressed Elizabeth, but he believed that they brought to her mind all that he meant to her, and that even now she was pleading with her sister to help her break her engagement to Mr. Grinly. He thought with satisfaction on Mrs. Bingley’s commitment to prevent Elizabeth from marrying without love, and if tonight’s display did not show that Elizabeth did not love Mr. Grinly, then he did not know what would.
Mr. Grinly quickly ascertained that Darcy loved Elizabeth, but wondered what had happened. Was it true that at one time Elizabeth had been his and that he had lost her, or worse, had given her up? In either case, he was unworthy of Elizabeth’s love and affection. He did not understand how she could not realize this. Nevertheless, he feared for himself and his future. Elizabeth was quite upset, and the last time that had happened, she left him. Last night, she had not come downstairs from her room. The day of his proposal, she had fled to Netherfield. With every agonizing moment, he felt as if he were losing her.
* * * * *
JANE STEPPED SLOWLY AND RESOLUTELY into the drawing room and all eyes turned to her. She was met by three different emotions from three very different men. Her attention was drawn immediately to Mr. Darcy, and she was feeling all the discomfort and self-consciousness of her own situation in having to dismiss him from Elizabeth’s life. Needing reassurance, she looked to her husband. His face held an expression of support and determination mingled with concern. She had always relied on his love and would need it now more than ever.
The only word that Jane could use to describe what she saw in Mr. Grinly was anguish. His relationship with Elizabeth had started off with uncertainty, though it had quickly become stronger, at least until Mr. Darcy returned. For the rest of her life, she would reproach herself for inviting Mr. Darcy back to Netherfield.
“Excuse me.” Jane’s voice cut through the silence, “but I would like to speak privately with Mr. Grinly. Would you please follow me, sir?” She motioned towards the door and, as he stood and began to walk towards her, she preceded him through it and down a short hallway.
Jane turned to face him. “Elizabeth is unwell. I have ordered your carriage. Please take her home.”
“What is the matter?”
“She has chosen her future, Mr. Grinly, but it was a difficult decision and will yet be painful for her. Please be patient.”
“I will. Thank you. May I go to her now?”
Jane nodded to him and then left him at the entrance to the sitting room.
* * * * *
MR. GRINLY STEPPED INTO THE room and stood near Elizabeth. Her cheeks were stained with tears and her eyes looked red and swollen. Mrs. Bingley had asked him to be patient. He would be. He would not demand anything from her. “May I sit with you?”
She nodded.
“Are you unwell? Mrs. Bingley told me that you wish to return to Longbourn.”
“You must hate me, sir,” she whispered.
Her eyes were cast down and her fingers laced in her lap. Her lips were pursed together as she sat stiffly on the couch. She knew he had every right to condemn her, but hoped he would not. She would prove to him her resolve to love him in every way she could, and she would start now.
“No, I do not. You must not say that.”
There was a moment of silence. “I have not told you all. I did not tell you everything about my fall and recovery here at Netherfield. While I was here, Mr. Darcy came to visit me every day. I fell in love with him. I thought he loved me, too. I know he did. I was never as happy as I was when I was with him.”
Grinly was not surprised by this confession, and having steeled himself for the likelihood of hearing it, he showed no sign of emotion on his face or in his voice when he responded to her. “I thought so.”
“My heart and mind were full of him. I expected to receive his addresses. Mr. Bingley held a ball here one evening after I was well again. He was very much in love with my sister, and I heard him and Mr. Darcy discussing Jane. I was on the balcony outside the window of Mr. Bingley’s study. The sash was open, and I heard him tell Mr. Darcy how he felt about my sister. He loved her and intended to propose marriage to her very soon. Mr. Darcy objected to the match. He told Mr. Bingley that Jane was not rich enough. He condemned my mother and sisters, saying that they would be a burden to him. He told Mr. Bingley that he could easily attach a gentleman’s daughter and connect himself to a family that would remove the stigma of trade from his wealth.”
She looked up at Mr. Grinly, begging for his understanding and acceptance. “Jane is in possession of Longbourn, and she is a gentleman’s daughter, yet Mr. Darcy felt she was not good enough for his friend. Can you imagine how I felt — I, who have nothing at all?!”
“Oh, Elizabeth.”
“Now he is back,” she cried softly. “My sister told me that she has spoken with Mr. Darcy. He knew of our engagement before he arrived. He told her he still loves me.”
Everything made sense to him now. Her reaction to his proposal, coming so soon upon the heels of the pain Mr. Darcy had caused her, would be natural. Of course, she would seek out her sister. The startled look on her face when she saw Mr. Darcy the previous day and Constance’s penetration into Elizabeth’s distress were all understood.
“My proposal came at a very unpropitious time, I see. Why did you accept me?”
“Sir, I . . . I did not love you. I hardly knew you.”
Grinly felt as though he had been hit in the stomach. Had he been so blind to her feelings?
“After much consideration, your offer became very attractive to me. The life you wanted to give me seemed so pleasing. I thought I could forget Mr. Darcy. I thought I would never see him again. I was certain we would all be happy together. I wanted nothing more than to go into Wiltshire to a new home and family.”
Elizabeth had never seen a countenance as pale as his appeared to her. The blood had drained from his face, and he was left without any color at all. She repented of the pain she was causing him, but knew that to deceive him would be worse. How had her life become so complicated? She turned to face him and touched his arm. “But, sir, I know we will be happy. I know I will learn to love you.”
He looked at her for a moment. ‘I did not love you . . . I did not love you . . . I did not . . . ’
Grinly quickly stood in an attempt to hide the feelings of desperation and sadness that were overwhelming him. He knew she had just offered herself to him. It was not a question of whether he wanted her. The difficulty was in reconciling himself to the fact that in accepting her and thus securing his own happiness, he would be sacrificing hers. She would be content with him, but her heart belonged to another, and was it not wrong to prevent her from loving that man, even if it meant that
he himself was to suffer? He did not doubt the sincerity of her offer, but he did doubt its wisdom. There would always be something in their life together, something he could not provide for her, an emotion he would be unable to inspire in her – passion. He approached her and knelt down. He had to be strong for her, though his eyes burned with the heartbreak and finality of his decision.
“Miss Bennet, allow me take you home.”
* * * * *
DARCY WATCHED MR. GRINLY FOLLOW Mrs. Bingley out of the room and instinctively knew that she was taking him to Elizabeth. That Elizabeth was distressed was not in doubt. That she was overwhelmed by her feelings upon seeing him was certain. Once again, she had been wounded, first by his absence and now by his presence.
But that would soon change. No doubt Grinly’s summons from the room would result in the termination of any relationship he had with Elizabeth. He was grateful to have gained Mrs. Bingley’s confidence. She would be a strong influence over Elizabeth at such a delicate time. He was sorry for Mr. Grinly, but there was no possible alternative.
Darcy started at the sound of Mrs. Bingley’s voice. “Sir, are you well?” She had observed him closely as she entered the room and knew her task was going to be painful. She took a seat next to her husband and slipped her hand into his. Bingley gave her a quick look, as Jane usually shied away from public expressions of affection. He squeezed her hand and drew a smile from her.
“Mr. Darcy, you must have seen that Elizabeth is very upset. Her distress results from a combination of feelings, including a strong affection that she has for you. Until you arrived here yesterday, she thought she had overcome that emotion, and while she would dearly wish to surrender to those feelings, she is afraid. You broke her heart, sir, and she does not trust you.” She spoke emphatically. “I will reproach myself for the rest of my life for inviting you to Netherfield.”
Darcy was surprised by this assertion. He had understood that Mrs. Bingley was an ally in his effort to win Elizabeth from Mr. Grinly.
“Elizabeth confesses that she is not in love with Mr. Grinly, but she acknowledges that she has obtained something from him that you were not able to provide.”
“And that is?”
“Devotion. Elizabeth is of the opinion that Mr. Grinly will never hurt her. She is shaken as a result of this contradiction in feelings, both loving you and unable to trust you. Because of this, I now recognize the impertinence of saying that I would assist you in bringing an end to her engagement with Mr. Grinly.”
Darcy closed his eyes and felt darkness overwhelm him. Her words were almost lost on him as his mind recoiled from the knowledge that Elizabeth was rejecting him for fear of being hurt. He cursed himself for the susceptibility to guilt that caused him to listen to the words of a dead father and to reject the pleadings of a living heart. His behavior towards Elizabeth was reprehensible and warranted the severest rebuke. A rebuke he was ready to receive, but losing Elizabeth was something for which he was not prepared.
“It is Elizabeth’s desire that you leave Hertfordshire. She believes that this is the only way for her to recover her peace of mind. She is committed to her engagement with Mr. Grinly and even now is assuring him of her desire to become his wife. Mr. Grinly realizes that she does not feel all that she ought, but he is confident that he will earn her affection. I am sorry, Mr. Darcy. I know you love her, but you gave her up, and now she belongs to another.”
“Mrs. Bingley, how is it possible for you to allow your sister to knowingly enter into a loveless marriage? I made a mistake. I freely admit it. I was afraid. I was living in the shadow of my father and the expectations he placed on me. I have hurt everyone around me, and I beg to be forgiven. I beg for the opportunity to love Elizabeth as she ought to be loved.”
“Before my conversation with Elizabeth, I might have agreed with you, but this is her decision, not mine.” Jane delivered the final blow. “If you truly love her, you will leave her.”
He could not speak.
“Elizabeth will regain her happiness secure in Mr. Grinly’s love. Mr. Darcy, if you seek her happiness, help her secure it by removing yourself from her life.” Jane knew he had no choice but to go. If he resisted, he proved that he did not love Elizabeth, a confession she knew he could not make.
Darcy stood, and after a glance at Bingley, a friend whom he would probably never see again, he looked at Mrs. Bingley. “I do love her, madam, and I will make every effort to secure her happiness even if it destroys my own.”
He strode half way across the room, and then paused for a moment in front of the door through which Elizabeth had passed. Bidding her a silent farewell and knowing he would never see her again, he walked with a defeated step into the hall and up to his room to prepare for his departure.
* * * * *
ELIZABETH SAID NOT A WORD on the trip back to Longbourn. The ride seemed longer than usual. She was not comforted by her decision to honor her engagement to Mr. Grinly. Perhaps she should ask Mr. Grinly for a long engagement, for a chance to free her mind and heart of Mr. Darcy. Eventually, the pain would lessen, and she would take pleasure in her new life as Mrs. Grinly. She thought they could be happy together, and someday they would. She would never forget Mr. Darcy or the passion she felt for him. Even now, it was all she could do not to stop the carriage and run back to Netherfield and into his arms. Why did it have to hurt so much?
Mr. Grinly knew her mind was in turmoil. He sat back on the bench, keeping as much distance between them as possible, allowing her all the space that could be afforded so she could be alone with her thoughts. He knew that solitude would be her only relief.
He also knew that he needed solitude as well, but he could not indulge in its luxury. Constance would soon need him, and he must be strong for her. She had been his strength through the dark hours of loneliness at Sappingford. He had hoped that Elizabeth would soon be the source of needed strength for Constance, and in return, he would supply love and affection to his new wife, but he would not allow Elizabeth to marry him if she did not love him. He would not condemn her to a life of regret. It would only lead to misery for all of them.
* * * * *
ON THEIR ARRIVAL AT LONGBOURN, Mr. Grinly handed Elizabeth out of the carriage and followed her into the house. She walked to the bottom of the stairs and beckoned to him. She raised a hand to his cheek and looked deeply into his eyes, and then gave him a faint smile. He took her hand and kissed it.
Mr. Grinly watched her as she climbed the stairs, turned the corner, and out of his sight.
“Goodbye, Elizabeth.”
Chapter 17
DARCY WROTE DOZENS OF BUSINESS letters each week. He could express himself well in all matters of his estate, in contracts, in purchasing new property, and in all money matters. Alone in his bedchamber in the middle of the dark night, he could find few words. In this letter to Elizabeth, he wanted to express his love and beg her forgiveness. He knew he should not be writing it. It was not appropriate that he should do so, and Mrs. Bingley would be angry if she knew of it, but he could not leave Elizabeth behind in Hertfordshire without being in her presence once more, even if it were only in a letter.
For the last time, he kissed the purple ribbon and then slipped it into the envelope. She would understand its import. He hoped she would keep it and from time to time think of him. He would never forget her or stop loving her.
He was to leave for Town before dawn, and at such an early hour, there was no one to see him off except the groom. He did not want to see Bingley. The pain of losing both his friend and Elizabeth in one blow would be exacerbated by a parting with him. Elizabeth and Mrs. Bingley’s tie of blood would be stronger than his and Bingley’s tie of friendship. As he stepped into his carriage, he handed the servant the letter and instructed him to deliver it immediately to Longbourn.
* * * * *
ELIZABETH ROSE EARLY THE NEXT morning filled with resolve and determination to start her life anew with Mr. Grinly. She had spent the whole night th
inking about her situation. She would shower on him every attention and prove her commitment.
As she entered the breakfast room, she was met by Mrs. Hill. “A letter arrived quite early this morning for you from Netherfield.”
“From Netherfield?”
“A servant was here at first light, but as you seemed rather ill when you came in last night, I thought it best not to wake you. Please forgive me if I — ”
“No, no, you were quite right. I have been ill,” conceded Elizabeth. “Thank you for bringing it to me.”
The missive was directed to “Miss E.B. at Longbourn.” There were no other markings on it that might identify the sender, but she knew the handwriting did not belong to Jane.
Hiding the letter in the skirts of her dress, she hastened out the front door, crossed the paddock, and took a seat on a little bench within a copse of trees. Her breathing was labored, and her hands trembled as she attempted to break the seal, so much so that she dropped the letter.
It occurred to her that it must be from Mr. Darcy and that she should not break the seal, but should present it unopened to Mr. Grinly as a sign of her commitment to him. She would ask him to read it and relay to her any message that Mr. Darcy might have for her. If it was another plea to her to reconsider his suit, it was something that she should not read and by which she should not be influenced.
Yet Mr. Darcy had been such a friend to her and perhaps had saved her life. And what of all they had shared? Did that not mean something? Did she not owe him the consideration to read what he had to say to her?
She opened the letter.
* * * * *
Netherfield
Dearest Elizabeth,
I am returning this ribbon that has been with me from the beginning of our acquaintance and that you allowed me to keep after those precious moments we spent together near the stream.
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