by Haemin Sunim
PENGUIN BOOKS
An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC
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New York, New York 10014
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Copyright © 2016 by Haemin Sunim
English translation copyright © 2018 by Deborah Smith and Haemin Sunim
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Illustrations by Lisk Feng
Originally published in Korean by Suo Books.
Published with the support of the Literature Translation Institute of Korea (LTI Korea).
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA
Names: Hyemin, author.
Title: Love for imperfect things : how to accept yourself in a world striving for perfection / Haemin Sunim ; translated by Deborah Smith and Haemin Sunim ; artwork by Lisk Feng.
Other titles: Wanbyōk haji anūn kōttūl e taehan sarang. English
Description: New York, New York : Penguin Books, [2018] | Translated from Korean.
Identifiers: LCCN 2018027279 (print) | LCCN 2018029271 (ebook) | ISBN 9780525504283 (ebook) | ISBN 9780143132288 (hardcover) | ISBN 9780525504283 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Love—Religious aspects—Buddhism. | Conduct of life. | Spiritual life—Buddhism.
Classification: LCC BQ4570.L6 (ebook) | LCC BQ4570.L6 H9413 2018 (print) | DDC 294.3/5677—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018027279
Cover design: Nayon Cho
Cover illustration: Lisk Feng
Version_1
CONTENTS
Title Page
Copyright
Epigraph
Prologue
Chapter 1: Self-Care
Don’t Be Too Good
Your Existence Is Already Enough
Chapter 2: Family
“Please Look After Mom”
Understanding Our Fathers
Chapter 3: Empathy
The Power of Hugs
Listening Is an Act of Love
Chapter 4: Relationships
On a Zen Retreat
Dealing with Disappointment
Chapter 5: Courage
To My Beloved Young Friends
The First Failure
Chapter 6: Healing
When Forgiveness Is Hard
“Haemin, I Am a Little Depressed”
Chapter 7: Enlightenment
The Mind’s True Home
My Spiritual Journey
Chapter 8: Acceptance
The Art of Letting Go
Lessons from Life’s Low Point
About the Authors
True freedom is being without anxiety about imperfection.
—Sixth-century Zen master Sengchan
PROLOGUE
THERE ARE TIMES IN LIFE when we encounter a film that stays with us for a very long time. For me, A River Runs Through It is one such film. Set in the first half of the twentieth century, and with the beautiful scenery of Montana for a backdrop, it tells the story of the Maclean family, for whom fishing is just as important as religion. The father is a Presbyterian minister with two sons. The elder son, Norman, lives a respectable life and becomes a university professor. The younger son, Paul, comes to lead a life of debauchery while working as a journalist for a local paper; his gambling habit gets him into great debt, and in the end he is beaten to death in an alley. The father, consumed by his deep sense of loss, speaks to his congregation during Sunday service with restrained emotion, revealing his love for his second son. “We can love completely,” he says, “even without complete understanding.”
It was difficult for the father to understand why his son Paul had to live a life of dissipation. However, this didn’t stop him from loving his son—because, to him, love transcends human understanding. Rather than loving someone only when you feel you understand what it is you love, the kind of deep, enduring love shown by the father does not cease even when the loved one behaves in a way you do not agree with. In the depths of the heart, love is always flowing, like a river.
* * *
*
WHEN WE EXAMINE OUR LIVES, we see many imperfect things, like motes of dust on an old mirror. There are all kinds of things that leave us feeling dissatisfied and unhappy: Our words are often different from our actions, our relationships are strained by our mistakes, our best-laid plans for the future go awry. On top of that, in the course of our lives we inflict various wounds on others, intentionally or unintentionally, causing us to feel guilt and regret.
But it’s the same when we look at our family and friends. The child who doesn’t listen to what his parents tell him; your own parents who do not understand you; your spouse who doesn’t behave reasonably. Close friends with bad health habits make you worry about their well-being. Every morning when we watch the news unfold, we see that the world is filled with yet more fighting, more accidents, more discord. It seems as though it will never end.
And yet, even though we find many such imperfect things in the world we live in, we cannot help but love them. Because our lives are far too precious to be spent in ridicule and hatred of what doesn’t appeal to us, of what we do not understand. As we become spiritually mature, we naturally develop more empathy and try to see things from others’ perspectives. This, in turn, teaches us to accept the imperfections of others, and of ourselves, in a more graceful and compassionate way, like a mother loves her child no matter what.
I have collected here my reflections on learning to look at the world and myself more compassionately. I have been inspired by people who have shared with me their life stories and questions during my public talks or on social media; they have opened my heart and deepened my wisdom. I pray that this book can be a friendly hand for you in a moment of despair, and bring you peace in a time of difficulty.
—HAEMIN SUNIM
The School of Broken Hearts, Seoul
Chapter One
SELF-CARE
When we become kinder to ourselves,
we can become kinder to the world.
DON’T BE TOO GOOD
WERE YOU ONE OF THOSE CHILDREN who were praised for being “good”? Did you then try hard to be good by always agreeing with parents, teachers, or older relatives? Even if sometimes it was hard, you learned not to complain and bore it quietly? And now that you’re an adult, do you still feel a responsibility to please other people? Do you constantly make an effort not to disturb or be a burden on others? But when there’s someone who makes things difficult for you, you try just to ignore it or put up with it, because it is not in your nature to do or say something that can potentially hurt someone or make someone feel uncomfortable?
* * *
*
I HAVE MET MANY GOOD people who suffer from depression, panic attacks, and other emotional disorders due to difficult human relationships. Such people tend to be gentle, well mannered, and solicitous of others. They are the kind of self-sacrificing person who will habitually put other people’s wishes before their own. Why, I wondered, do such good people often fall victim to mental and emotional suffering?
I, too, was introverted and meek as a child, and so was often praised for being “good.” A good son who wouldn’t give his parents any trouble, a good student who
listened to his teachers—all this taught me was that it was good to be good. But when I went to graduate school, I began to feel that there might be a problem with only being good. In group work with students who were smarter than I was, with stronger personalities, I found that the tasks everyone wanted to avoid somehow always fell to me. I kept on telling myself that it was good to do good, but as time went by it started causing me quite a bit of stress. When I opened my heart and spoke honestly to an older friend who was in the same program, he gave me the following advice:
“Be good to yourself first, then to others.”
It was like being struck by lightning. Up until then, I had only ever worried about what other people thought of me. I had never once thought properly about caring for myself, or loving myself.
* * *
*
WHEN WE SAY THAT SOMEONE is “good,” we often mean that the person complies with the will of others and isn’t self-assertive. In other words, people who are good at suppressing their own desires in deference to another’s are the ones who frequently get called “good.” If someone always listens to me and follows my advice, naturally I like that person and think of him or her as a good person. It seems that “good” sometimes refers to a person who thinks too much of others to be able to express his or her own will.
While it is not always the case, there is a particular pattern that can be seen in our relationship with whoever raised us as a child. Many who are self-effacing in this way grew up with a dominant father or strong-willed mother. Or as a middle sibling, who received relatively little attention from the parents, giving rise to a strong desire to win the parents’ recognition by obeying them in all things. In certain cases, when the parents’ own relationship is not good, or the family dynamic is awkward in some way, there are also those who take it upon themselves to make their parents happy by being “good.”
But the problem is that, by living in accordance with the demands of others, we unwittingly neglect our own desires and needs. If as a child you were indifferent to your own feelings, minimizing them or not considering them important, as an adult you will not be able to tell what it is you yourself want to do, or who you are as a person. And then when you encounter someone who treats you unfairly or makes things difficult for you, since you do not know how to properly express your own feelings, the anger that ought to be directed toward its instigator is trapped inside you and ends up attacking you instead. “Why am I such an idiot, that I can’t express my feelings properly, can’t even speak up honestly?”
* * *
*
ABOVE ALL, PLEASE REMEMBER THIS: What you are feeling is not something that should just be ignored, but something very significant. The feelings inside you will not easily disappear just because you decide to suppress or ignore them. Many psychological problems come about when repression becomes a habit and the energy of those suppressed emotions is unable to find a healthy outlet. Just as stagnant water becomes fetid and toxic, so it is with our emotions.
But it’s not too late. From now on, before going along with what others wish you to do, please listen to the voice inside you, telling you what you truly want. Even when you feel yourself buffeted by constant demands, if you really do not want to do something, don’t try to push through with it, exhausting yourself to the point that you are no longer able to cope. Instead, try to make others understand what you are feeling by expressing it in words. Don’t worry that expressing yourself will cause the other person to dislike you and the relationship to become strained. If the other person knew how you really felt, she probably wouldn’t have made such demands of you.
Even when everyone says, “Let’s all have coffee,” if you want a chai latte, it’s okay to speak up and say, “I’d like a chai latte instead.” We consider it good to be good to others, but don’t forget that you have a responsibility to be good to yourself first.
* * *
*
Learn to express what you are feeling
without agonizing over it.
It is a life skill every bit as important as
learning how to read. Without it,
dissatisfaction builds up, arguments break out,
and relationships can blow up like volcanoes.
* * *
*
Does it make you feel frustrated
to be the only one doing the work?
If so, don’t just swallow the feeling; speak up:
“It’s difficult for me to do it on my own.
Could you please help me out?”
Little by little, expressing your feelings will become easier.
* * *
*
When someone asks for a favor,
don’t forget that you have the option to say,
“I’m terribly sorry, but I can’t do that.”
You have no obligation to take on a task
that will be a great burden on you.
And if the relationship grows strained
because you do not do the favor,
it was never a good relationship to begin with.
* * *
*
Just as on a plane,
you are told to put
the emergency breathing mask on a child
only after you have put one on yourself,
there is nothing selfish about looking after yourself first.
Only if you are happy will you be able
to make those around you happy.
* * *
*
When you care for yourself first,
the world will also find you worthy of care.
* * *
*
In the same way that when you’re in love and
you want to spend time with only that person,
try spending time on yourself—
you deserve your care and attention.
Treat yourself to a delicious meal,
a good book, a nice walk with a lovely view.
As you would invest in the person you love,
so you should invest in yourself.
* * *
*
My dear friend:
Because there is some part of you
that is imperfect or broken,
it can motivate you to work hard
to overcome it, and can ultimately bring you success in life.
It can also help you relate to others
and become more compassionate.
Do not despair over what is imperfect in yourself.
Instead, look at your flaws with love.
* * *
*
It’s okay that you have flaws.
How could our lives be as clean and white
as a blank sheet of paper?
Life naturally takes a toll
on our bodies, our minds, and our relationships.
Rather than choosing a life in which you do nothing
for fear of making a mistake,
choose a life that improves through failure and pain.
And shout out loud to your struggling self,
“I love you so much.”
* * *
*
In our hearts we all carry secrets
that we cannot easily share with others.
They can be about illness, money, sexuality, relationships, or family.
They can evoke a deep sense of
inferiority, shame, anxiety, or guilt.
But because of the weight of the secrets,
we become more humble and understanding.
Don’t judge people based on how they appear,
as they may have difficulties that nobody can see.
* * *
*
Seeing on social media how your friends are
enjoying themselves,
have you ever felt envious?
One of our common mistakes is
to compare how we feel inside with how our friends appear outside.
We don’t know what is going on inside of our friends,
but we are well aware of what is going on inside of ourselves.
Your friends might be envying you based on your social media posts,
without knowing what is really going on in your life.
* * *
*
Have you ever felt a sense of inferiority
because of a cousin who is doing better than you?
She may be smarter than you, attend a better school,
work at a better company. But remember that
none of us can know how our lives will turn out in the end.
Though school and work might be measures of success,
the older you get, the less important they will be.
The true winner is the one who is happy with his life.
* * *
*
You may appear unattractive
not because you have many unattractive qualities
but because you think you do and look so uncomfortable.
Even if you have unattractive qualities,
if you are confident and at ease with yourself,
you won’t have such a problem.
Remember that the most attractive quality is your confidence.
* * *