by Haemin Sunim
do not act out of desperation.
Instead, go to a peaceful place
and dwell on the silence within yourself.
When your mind touches its deep silence,
you realize that you have enough
inner strength and wisdom
to go through with this.
TO MY BELOVED YOUNG FRIENDS
MY DEAR BELOVED YOUNG FRIENDS: Each time I see your slumped shoulders, each time I hear your listless voices, my heart aches. How are you these days? Did you have another long day at school or work? It seems no one has told you that if you’re courageous, you can create your own destiny; it is entirely up to you to decide what kind of life you would like to have. Instead, you have been told by your parents and teachers that you should just follow the norm and do what the world expects of you. If you say that you want to become a musician or an artist, if you want to travel the world, if you want to have a serious relationship, you might be told: “Now is not the right time. You should concentrate on your studies.” When you started college, you thought you could finally have the life you wanted. But then what happened? You were told to prepare for your career. You had to apply for summer internships and study for qualifying exams. Again you were bombarded with reasons to delay your own life.
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WE HAVE BECOME ACCUSTOMED TO sacrificing the present for the sake of the future. We consider it a matter of course that the present just has to be put up with until one day that bright future arrives. We have overlooked the importance of enjoying the journey while prizing only the destination. But in the course of our lives, there comes a time when we begin to doubt whether this present that we are enduring will ever lead to the future of our dreams. Even if the dream comes true, will it be worth the sacrifice we made to our relationships and health and happiness in order to achieve it? And what if the dream we achieved was never ours but that of our parents or teachers? What if we were just measuring ourselves against society’s yardstick of success?
Even if we are lucky enough to get a job at our dream company, we will be starting out in an entry-level position, and it might be hard to find senior colleagues who value our perspective. It’s only natural that we won’t get everything right at first, as we are still learning. And when we don’t know how to do something, we will want our colleagues to teach us, patiently—but they only look irritated and reproach us for being incompetent. Soon we will start doubting whether we are right for the job, whether we ought to dedicate our life to this place just to make our parents proud.
I WAS NOT VERY DIFFERENT from you. In fact, when I was in high school I was depressed and unhappy. I was told that if I got accepted to a good college, I would be seen as a success by my family and friends. I would be respected by society, and a nice job would be waiting for me. I craved that acknowledgment and respect. My family had always been poor, and I thought I could change that if only I studied hard enough and threw myself into my schoolwork more intensely than those around me. And although that wasn’t such a terrible life, if I look back and ask myself what exactly I gained from studying for so many years for my Ph.D., the honest answer is nothing more than the somewhat deflating realization of what it’s like to be an academic—and that the answers to my questions about the mysteries of life are not to be found in academia. In that sense, you could say that my greatest gain was the knowledge that I was not living the life that I hoped for.
Many people have asked me, “How did you find the courage to become a monk?” Well, I didn’t want to waste my life anymore wondering whether it tallied with some socially determined criteria for success. I got tired of trying to satisfy other people’s expectations. Instead, I wanted to discover for myself the answers to questions like “Why was I born?” and “What happens when I die?” I longed to experience enlightenment according to what the Buddha taught. I wanted to meditate more and live simply with like-minded folks. Looked at one way, my decision might seem self-centered, and in another way, like a brave choice. But just once, for just one moment in my life, I had to try to live a life without regret. Even if others scorn me and mock my decision, only having done it can I look at myself and say with confidence that I have loved my life.
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MY BELOVED YOUNG FRIENDS: It’s okay to live the life that you wish for. You are allowed to create your own destiny, free from the expectations of your parents and society. You can live the life you yourself think has meaning. Even if those around you try to dissuade you, saying you can’t, you mustn’t, it won’t work, they are not living your life for you, are they? Many people who try to forge their own path or strike out for uncharted territory come up against strong opposition. If your timid heart wonders, “Is this really okay?” have the courage to smile back at your heart and say firmly, “Yes, it is!” Even if you fail, you will learn from your mistakes and try it differently next time. Besides, it is better to experience failure while you are still young. As long as you are prepared to take responsibility for the consequences of your choices, you can follow your heart. Wouldn’t you want to grasp the wheel of your life and live as the master of your destiny? I hope that you can break free from self-imposed limits and discover the courage to finally change your life.
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There are times when things are going well for you,
and people offer you unsolicited advice in the name of love.
They tell you to think about financial security, marriage, your future.
At such times, do not be shaken. Just keep walking the path
you have chosen, like the steadfast march of elephants.
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Don’t assume another bus will be coming.
Sometimes the route will have changed,
and you will never get another chance to catch the bus you missed.
If an opportunity is presented to you, don’t give in to your fear.
Muster your courage and get on that bus.
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If you’ve waited for someone to show up and change your life,
and they still haven’t appeared, don’t wait any longer.
It probably means you need to become that person for yourself.
When you feel like relying on someone else, remember:
There lives a far stronger and wiser being inside you than you imagine.
* * *
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Ask yourself:
What are the values that guide my life?
What do I want to achieve in my life?
If the answer is clear, you can live more confidently,
knowing your life’s direction
and that you are not mindlessly following the herd.
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If you just go along with the crowd
without trying to figure out
what you really want to do,
you’ll likely wind up striving to succeed
in a highly competitive profession.
Then, after several years of stress and struggle,
you might become depressed from continuing to fall short
in auditions, job interviews, or qualification tests.
There are more than thirty thousand kinds of jobs in the world.
If you want to succeed, be more self-aware
about your values, interests, strengths, and limitations,
and explore professions beyond those you are familiar with.
You won’t regret taking the time to do this.
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When you try to learn something new,
you will inevitably feel embarrassed in the process.
No matter how respected you are in your own field,
you will be treated like a kid
and co
rrected every time you do it wrong.
If you cannot stand to make mistakes,
you will never be able to learn a foreign language, a sport,
a musical instrument, or how to drive or cook.
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*
If you don’t feel like studying,
start with the subject you like best.
If a meal looks unappealing,
start with what looks tastiest.
It’s all right to start reading a book
from the section you most want to read.
Starting is often the most difficult part.
Once you have started,
it’s much easier to continue.
* * *
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New ideas often come from the margins,
where people question and challenge the norms
set by the mainstream.
Rather than lamenting that you’re an outsider,
use your unique position to your advantage
and create something original and interesting.
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*
Michel Foucault, Jacques Derrida, Edward Said—
celebrated twentieth-century thinkers—
all started out discriminated against.
Michel Foucault was gay.
Jacques Derrida was from Algeria.
Edward Said was a Palestinian in Egypt with an American passport.
Instead of seeing their outsider status as a disadvantage,
they used their unique perspectives
to revolutionize Western philosophy.
* * *
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Excessive thought won’t solve a problem.
Rather than trying to fix it by thinking,
set your mind at ease.
A solution will rise to the surface.
Remember that wisdom comes from stillness.
* * *
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When you have too much to worry about,
ask yourself: “Am I solving anything by worrying?”
Because of your worries, are you missing out on the present?
If worrying is not doing any good, say to your anxious mind,
“If what I’m worried about actually happens, that’s when I will worry!”
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Are you suffering from anxiety?
Try prioritizing your worries by writing them down.
If something you’re worried about hasn’t happened yet,
put it at the end of the list.
Worry only about the problems facing you right now;
for the rest, you can cross that bridge when you come to it.
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Thinking too much can make it difficult to act.
If you just do it, then it is done.
But if you give in to your thinking,
your mind will get in the way,
telling you “you can’t,” “you shouldn’t,” “you don’t want to.”
In that case, get up early the next morning
and just do the thing you’ve been putting off.
If you give yourself time to start thinking about it,
inaction will take hold again.
* * *
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Even if it’s not perfect,
set it aside and move on to the next thing.
The idea of “perfection” exists only in your mind,
and may not be the same for everyone.
* * *
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Before an exam or interview, always remember:
You know so much more than you think you do.
Our unconscious contains an ocean of wisdom.
Have confidence in yourself.
* * *
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Distinguish between the things you can control and those you can’t.
For instance, the past cannot be undone.
You cannot control what other people think of you.
But you can control what you are doing right now.
The way to be free of worry and anxiety
is to focus your attention on the present moment.
* * *
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Do not be afraid of making mistakes.
Be afraid only of not learning from your mistakes.
An expert is someone who has acquired skills and knowledge
by making a lot of mistakes.
My youth was the most difficult time for me.
I constantly had to prove myself
because the older generation saw me
only as young and inexperienced.
But there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
It will reveal itself not suddenly but gradually.
Don’t be discouraged. Things will get better for sure.
THE FIRST FAILURE
“HAEMIN SUNIM, I didn’t get into a good college. I’m so embarrassed by what a failure I am. I don’t know what to do.”
“I spent a whole year preparing for the bar exam but didn’t pass, while many of my friends did. I should probably take it again, but I feel like just giving up.”
“I quit my job and opened a shop, but things didn’t turn out as I expected. There were barely any customers, so I had to close up after six months. I’ve lost face in front of my family, and hit rock bottom financially. It’s making me depressed and scared.”
The first failure is always incredibly painful. And most of us are rarely prepared for it. The exam is very difficult, but somehow we think we will pass. Or, although the economy is not so good these days, we think that as long as we work hard, the shop will somehow be a success. But only when we fail do we realize we did not have a backup plan. Especially for those who put all their effort into achieving a certain goal only to come up short, the future can seem very bleak. If their life’s journey has been fairly smooth up to that point, their failure will feel like a wake-up call to a harsh reality.
But failure is bound to happen again and again throughout our lives. And there will be countless plans that won’t turn out as we had hoped. In other words, the failure is a very common experience, even though it may not feel that way. It is important not to beat ourselves up or consider our lives a big failure. Instead, we should accept the fact that things didn’t work out this time, and look carefully at where we went wrong. Once we have a clear understanding of what happened, we can resolve to avoid making the same mistakes and to move forward with our lives. Otherwise, there is a good chance we will fail again in exactly the same way.
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IT MAY SOUND SILLY FOR A MONK to have trouble finding a job, but I experienced my first major failure in the process of becoming a professor in the United States. After finishing my Ph.D., I applied to teach at various colleges and universities; luckily, there were six schools where I passed both the first round, document screening, and the second round, a conference interview. For the final round, I was invited to campus for two days for more interviews and to present in front of students and faculty. Unfortunately, among the six, the one college that I had my heart set on was the quickest to reject me after the campus interview. I’d never experienced failure like that before, and it hurt and frustrated me deeply. Even though I had three other campus interviews remaining, the knowledge that I had failed to get this job made me start to doubt my abilities and to think about giving up the whole thing. I was getting depressed, and all I wanted to do was sleep.
But after a few days of sleeping, something within me woke me up early in the morning and made me examine why I had failed to land that job. Initially, before going to the campus interviews, I believed that if I were to put in an honest effort and show my sincerity and preparedness, I would probably
be hired. But on that early morning, it dawned on me that this approach was simply wrong. What the college had wanted was not the most sincere candidate doing his best, but the one who already possessed the abilities to meet the position’s particular needs. In other words, I had been naïve and complacent in anticipating just what it was that the college wanted from its new faculty. The starting point should have never been myself but the needs of the college. From then on, I prepared for the remaining interviews by thoroughly researching what each college was looking for. This soon paid off with an offer of employment from one of them.
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DID YOU FAIL AT A JOB INTERVIEW? Instead of settling for the vague hope that things will be okay if you just try harder next time, figure out exactly where you went wrong, and don’t repeat the same mistake again. Are you at a loss because you did not score high enough on a standardized test such as the SAT, bar exam, or CPA exam? Then take a close look at your study habits. Did you study in a distracting place? Did you make a study schedule and stick to it? Did you ever ask for advice from people who scored high on the test? If you’re frustrated because your business went under, don’t waste time assigning blame; take responsibility and calmly ask why you failed. Did you choose the wrong location for the shop? Were your products not sufficiently unique or of high enough quality? Did you go wrong in your relationships with customers, staff, or business partners? If you decide to start another business, spend double, even triple the amount of time you did before on research and building a business plan.
Failure is something we all experience. Each time we fail, we can learn from our mistakes and become a little bit wiser and more prudent. Failure can also be an opportunity to rethink our lives and grow mentally and spiritually. I wish you the best of luck in your next endeavor.