I discovered it that first morning that fall. It was one of them foggy mornings when the mist over the lake kinda makes all the sounds sharper and clearer. Me’n Ma could hear loons and herons across the bay and the yap of dogs from somewhere back in the bush like they were right beside us. We could hear Keeper coming even though that old guy moves pretty quiet in the bush, so we weren’t surprised when he appeared out of the fog.
“Ahnee,” he called from the top of the steps leading down to the dock behind Ma’s. “Minno gezheegut. It’s a good day. How’s things?”
“It’s okay, Keeper. You?” Ma said.
“Oh, not bad. Gonna miss that bacon, Garnet, you make sure and get back okay on accounta I need my breakfast chef.”
“Yeah, right,” I said. “You’ll find some way of arranging an invitation to someone’s for breakfast. What’s that you got there?”
“Oh, this?” he said getting that surprised look on his face that he always does when he’s about to give something away. “Just somethin’ you’re gonna need out there. It’s not much.”
“Well, what is it?”
“Tobacco, white pieces of cloth, string. That’s all.”
“So what do I do with this?”
“Pray.”
“Pray?”
“Hey-yuh. Pray.”
“How?”
“Lots,” he said, and we all laughed.
“No, really. What’s it for?”
“It’s for the land. You gotta give it back to the land. It’s an offering. Gratitude offering. Us we do this. Those of us tryin’ to live the Indyun way, we do this couple times a year. Called a tobacco offering. You take this tobacco and you wrap a small pinch of it in these little white pieces of cloth, tie ’em up with string. Make up a long circle of them.”
“Why?”
“Well, it’s on accounta us we sometimes forget what all we got to be thankful for. Forget that everythin’ comes from the land. Food, home, health, everythin’. So the old ones made this ceremony an’ taught everyone to do it. Don’t need to be an elder or a teacher to do it, it’s for everyone on accounta we all gotta show gratitude to stay humble.
“So you go out there. When you’re all set up, you find a place that feels kinda special. Maybe up on a big, high rock or at the foot of a bay. Smudge first. Pray. Then you take that tobacco an’ wrap it an’ tie it. When you do this you think of somethin’ or someone in your life you’re grateful for an’ say a prayer of thanks. Pray for their happiness, health and harmony. Then you think of somethin’ else an’ say the same kinda prayer. Keep on like that till you run outta prayers or tobacco. Then you take that circle of prayers you just made an’ you leave it in the branches of a tree or at the top of that big rock. Give those prayers back to the land an’ the spirits. Back where they came from.
“Might take you long time. Should. But you take as long as you need, give thanks for everythin’. When you’re done you’ll feel real good an’ you’ll treat everyone an’ everything with lotsa love an’ respect. It’s hard to be unloving an’ disrespectful towards things you prayed for.”
“Do you do this, Ma?” I asked.
“Hey-yuh. Couple times a year ever since I was a girl. It’s good. Keeps you real.”
“Anything else I gotta do?”
“No,” Keeper said. “Just pray for all you’re thankful for. It’ll be good for you an’ it’s time you got movin’ in this way now. ’Specially where you’re goin’. Findin’ that special place is not gonna be hard for you, I think.” He handed me the moose-hide pouch.
Ma gave me a big warm hug and looked real proud at me for a long time as I got ready to shove off. I remember feeling like I was about to discover something really big in my life and I couldn’t wait to find out what it was.
“ ’Kay then,” I said when I got seated in the canoe. “Be back in four nights, round sundown, I guess.”
“ ’Kay then,” Ma said. “Careful.”
“Hey-yuh. Will be.”
“Oh, an’ Garnet,” Keeper said, kinda mischievous. “You gotta try’n light a fire only usin’ two sticks when you’re out there.”
“I do?”
“Hey-yuh. It’s traditional.”
“Really?”
“Hey-yuh. Only for you we’re changin’ it this time.”
“Yeah?”
“Gonna let one of them sticks be a match!”
I looked back once I got a hundred yards or so out on the lake. They were still standing there with their arms around each other’s waist watching me head out across. It’s one of those Kodak moments, only these kind we keep in our hearts instead of some photo album. I got the idea that I knew what prayers those first two pouches were gonna be for.
As I paddled across that lake that morning, watching the sun start to burn the mist off the water, it was like seeing the light being born inside me again. By the time I reached the northern shore it was midmorning and I hugged the shoreline as I worked my way east to where I knew a portage to be. That’s when I discovered the feeling of flying. I was lost in it for miles. Those who say there’s no magic in the world anymore have never taken a solitary paddle on a northern lake in the morning. That feeling of being on a cushion of air was pure magic. Only the shadows of the trees and cliffs on the water kept me earthbound and by the time I reached the cairn of stones that marked the portage, my whole being felt like it could detach itself from earth and soar off somewhere into the wild blue of that morning sky. In a way, I guess, it did.
Watchin’ the boy headin’ off across that lake that mornin’ reminded me of myself one time. I must have been about twelve. Me’n the old man been hangin’ around together about a year by then. Me I’d learned lots but had a real long way to go yet. Old man told me it was time I went out to feel the power. That’s all. Go and feel the power. So we spent a coupla days gettin’ me all ready for this trip. It was gonna be four days. Wasn’t all romantic like them movies. Me I had a fishin’ pole, knife, rifle, food an’ blankets, just like the boy’s canoe. Them Westerns wanna make you think us Indyuns go out with nothin’ but a blanket and spend a long time fastin’ in the wilderness. Sometimes we do. Sometimes we do for special reasons like gettin’ ready for a big ceremony but most of the time we go out there all alone so we can greet the world again. That’s what it’s all about. Greetin’ the world again. See, us we get all busy with our lives. Gotta go here, go there, do this, do that, all the time. Get so busy we forget to look around an’ see the world. Forget to spend time with our best teacher. We start thinkin’ maybe we’re kinda important or too busy or both. So we go out there where no one else is around an’ we sit there. Most of the time that land’ll give you something to bring back. No big dreams or visions, although some get lucky an’ have them, but mostly you just see somethin’ in the land itself that’ll get you thinkin’ right again. Me, I forgot toilet paper one time an’ I seen a vision. Or at least I thought it was. Old man told me, he said, I only see somethin’ strange on accounta I was all constipated an’ my vision was blurry after four days. Hey, heh, heh. Funny guy, that Harold.
Anyway, I paddled long time, made a portage, went way to the end of this long lake I found. Made camp. First time I ever did things old way makin’ camp. Spruce boughs on the floor of the lean- to I made, sayin’ prayers for everythin’ I used, leavin’ little tobacco offerings by the trees an’ all. It was nice. Felt safe. Was real quiet there. Couldn’t find no sign of other people havin’ been there before an’ I felt kinda special. Like this was my spot on the earth kinda. And that’s where I stayed for four days. I still go there now an’ again an’ it’s still as quiet an’ untouched as it was way back then. Still get that feelin’ of bein’ connected again when I go there.
No big thing happened. Me I was lookin’ around for a big message or vision but nothin’ big happened. Except for the eagles of course. See, the old man told me about makin’ my tobacco offering too. First time I did it then. So that second morning I was way up on this big rock cliff
, sittin’ on this ledge lookin’ way out over that lake an’ the land. Started makin’ those tobacco ties an’ prayin’ like I was told. Kinda got lost. Didn’t have no idea of time so I was surprised to look around finally an’ see it was midafternoon already. Kinda hungry, you know. I was thinkin’ about leavin’ an’ goin’ to eat, maybe come back next mornin’ to keep on with it. But I looked around an’ there was a big eagle sittin’ about four yards away from me on the top of this dead pine tree. Just sittin’ there lookin’ at me. Didn’t move. I looked the other way an’ there was another one sittin’ in the top of another tree about the same distance away. Me I figured they were a pair. Thought maybe I was close to their nest or somethin’ but they weren’t actin’ too upset so I figured it was just one of them crazy coincidences. Kept on watchin’ them watchin’ me for a long time. Finally kinda got too hungry so I got into sayin’ one last prayer to thank the Creator for sendin’ me up there an’ for the day I was having. When I looked up them eagles was gone.
Next day I’m up there early doing more ties an’ prayin’. Soon as I looked up from that first prayer them eagles were back in the same trees right up close to me. Hmmpfh. Kinda felt strange all of a sudden. Stayed there all day an’ every time I looked up from prayin’ them eagles were watchin’ me.
Third day same thing. Only when I got up there they weren’t around. Hmmpfh, I figured. Wasn’t no sign, just lucky. Waited about half an hour before I said that first prayer an’ them eagles weren’t anywhere to he seen. Looked up after that prayer an’ there they were, sittin’ there lookin’ at me. Really felt strange then. Stayed there again all day them birds. Never moved. Just sat there.
Finally that last mornin’ before I loaded up the canoe I went back up there to finish off. Had a big long circle of prayers to give back an’ I wanted to leave it there on that big rock cliff. Climbed up an’ no birds nowhere. Smudged up an’ prayed. Looked up an’ sure enough, there they were, same trees. By this time I’m okay with it. Me I figured I just made some friends. So, I said a big long prayer an’ offered my circle of prayers back to the land an’ the spirits. When I looked up them birds were gone. So I tossed that circle of prayers across an’ they landed near the top of that one tree where I saw the first eagle. Left it there an’ went back to get ready. Figured that was the end of it. Got all packed up an’ headed out in the canoe. Only got about ten feet off shore when I heard this sound an’ saw this shadow on the water. Looked up an’ seen them two eagles soarin’ around in a great big circle over my head. Way up there circlin’ around. Sat there in the canoe watchin’ them for a long time, screamin’ their eagle cries an’ circlin’ above me. Finally I decided I better get movin’ so I started to paddle again. But I heard this long cry an’ looked up real quick. One of them eagles was just tuckin’ his wings under and startin’ to dive right at the canoe. Hmmpfh. But me I wasn’t scared. Kept lookin’ up even when that bird started to power dive right at me. No fear. When he was about ten feet above the water he spread his wings real fast an’ flapped them four times. Stopped him right in midair above the canoe. Flapped four times an’ then screamed one last time an’ flew off. I sat there an’ watched the two of them disappear over the far end of the lake towards home. Felt real happy inside. The sound of them wings was like a blessing to me and I felt real happy inside. Boy, I sang all the way home. All this time I never forgot them two eagles. Sometimes even now when I feel low I think about the sound them wings made an’ I feel okay again. Been back there since an’ never seen them again either. Hmmpfh.
Told the old man all about it. He never said nothin’, just smiled an’ walked away. Hmmpfh. Crazy old coot I figured. Next day he come an’ brought me two eagle feathers tied all together with moose-hide thong. Said I earned them. Then he talked to me about them two sets of gifts we all carry. Told me them two eagles were signs to me about livin’ in balance with them two sets of gifts. Mother’s and the father’s. When I was prayin’ I was in balance an’ that’s why they came. Both sides comin’ together with my prayers. Man side and woman side. Sacred union comin’ together when I pray. Sacred union inside me. That’s what he told me. Said the reason they disappeared over the end of the lake leadin’ towards home was to remind me that I gotta take that teachin’ back into my life. Can’t just use it when I’m out there. I gotta live it. It’s gotta be parta of my livin’ all the time. Whenever I needed to find that balance for myself I just need to pray. That’s what them eagles were a sign of. So he gave me them two feathers tied together and told me keep them somewhere where I can see them all the time, to kinda remind me. Me I still got ’em. Hangin’ on the wall of my cabin. They’re a big sign of how I’m supposed to live. A big teaching I forgot for a long time. One I walked away from but awful glad I managed to walk back into again.
That’s what seein’ that boy headin’ out reminded me of. Me I just knew he was gonna come back with somethin’ that would fill up big corners of his insides. Somethin’ that was gonna be just for him. The land’s like that. Let yourself be a part of it an’ it’s always gonna give you back a part of yourself you never knew you had. Good friend that land. No wonder it’s brown. Heh, heh, heh.
Grampa’s trapline was about eighty miles long when it was running full tilt. The hydro dam had drowned most of it but the one end’s still there and that’s where I was headed. Jackie’d given me directions so I pretty much knew how to recognize the place where one of the old line shacks used to stand. I had to make two easy portages, cross one small lake and look for a place where a little creek dumped into the lake in a waterfall about five feet high. I found it by about midafternoon. It was beautiful. The little falls made a big wide pool in the end of one little bay that was surrounded by tall jack pines and there was a stretch of level ground all mossy and grassy where I would camp. Lot of cool shade and the pool was deep enough to swim in. Looked like someplace I could spend the rest of my life and never worry about anything. Kinda felt like home.
Watching my uncles had taught me pretty good how to set up a camp so doing that was really no problem and I had a good fire going by the time that sun started to go down. Guess you don’t have to be an Indian to appreciate a good fire in the middle of the wilderness. Keeper says there’s something in all of us human beings that’s attracted to a good fire. On accounta we all started out the same, he says. All of us were tribal people at one time in our history and sitting by fires late at night’s a big part of who we all are deep inside. That’s why fires are so popular, even in big fancy homes in the city. All of us got a secret yearning for our tribal past. The simple past, according to Keeper, and fires kinda spark that for us no matter who we are. Says that’s the way the problems of the world and between people gonna be solved someday. Once we remember about the common fires that burn in our pasts. Hmmpfh.
I sat there long into the night. Every now and then I’d lay some sweetgrass or cedar on a red-hot piece of wood and the smoke’d kinda calm me down when I got sort of freaked out by that feeling of being out of control. All around me was a huge land. Empty but full. In the middle of it all I felt pretty small and inside me there was a growing feeling that I was pretty powerless in the face of it. I imagined big bears, wolverines or cougars sneaking out of the bush and ending things for me and there wasn’t anything I could do. Or a big storm coming up and blowing away the canoe, drowning my fire and soaking my camp, or a sudden snowfall that would bury all the signs and directions. The land could pretty much do whatever it wanted and I couldn’t do a thing. Guess that’s really when I woke up to the idea of where the real power in this world is. It was in that lake, the trees, the rocks, wind, sky and ground. Me I was just there trying to find my part in it. By the time I hit my bed I fell into a deep sleep and never moved until morning.
And what a morning. The sun was just coming up and the purple light was fading off, revealing mist on the bay and the circles of rising fish. There was more birds in the trees than I ever heard before and just beyond the mouth of the bay was a bea
ver hauling a long branch of poplar to his den somewhere further down the shoreline. The long dwindling Y in the water sent ripples right up to where my camp was. By the time I got the fire stoked up and going again the sun was completely up.
For me, breakfast in the bush is the greatest thing in the world. There’s nothing quite like that first big slug of campfire coffee and the smell of bacon and eggs against the cold crispness of the air. I fished awhile and hooked a nice little pickerel from the pool and ate him up right away too. When I finished I remembered what Keeper’d told me and left a small pinch of tobacco by the water’s edge as thanks for the food. It felt kinda nice doing that.
According to Jackie the old cabin would be somewhere back in the bush to the east of where I was sitting now, near another small bay like this on a smaller lake. Probably wouldn’t be too much left of it after all these years and I’d have to satisfy myself with a few old timbers. Didn’t matter. I just needed to see the place. All those years of wandering around shopping for a story for myself, some hook to hang my life on, had finally brought me here to where it all started. Somewhere back in those trees was the history I never had. Most people got them photo albums got pictures of their past. Me I never had that. Seen some snapshots that Ma’n Jane kept but there weren’t any of those days when it all started for this little flock of Ravens. I kinda needed to have one of them Kodak moments for myself right back here in the bush. Needed to touch a part of myself I never knew was there. I felt like one of them salmon that’s gotta go back upriver to where it was hatched after a long time at sea. I was at sea a long time myself. The only difference being that the salmon’s gotta go back so it can die. Me I had to come back so I could live.
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