Keeper'n Me

by Richard Wagamese

  “Us we gotta take care of it. Clean it so we can live good. That’s why we smudge every day. Clean that house. Purify all of it so we can live in a good way.”

  Keeper says when the ancestors in the spirit world smell that smoke it makes them happy on accounta they know that someone in this reality’s a believer and trying to live in a good way. They remember to watch over us and protect us. And that smoke as it drifts up and up and up and finally disappears is carrying our prayers into the mystery where the Creator can hear them. According to Keeper, praying’s as much a part of being Indian as breathing. Gotta do both to live, he says.

  So I smudged up real good that morning and then sat back with my eyes closed trying to feel my breathing. When we do that we reconnect to the sound of our heartbeat. We can feel that boom-boom boom-boom boom-boom in the center of ourselves and when we can feel that, we can feel the heartbeat of life all around us. Tells us we’re never alone and that we’re part of everything. Kinda hard to feel lonely, lost or afraid when you can feel part of everything around you. Learning that was one of the biggest things I learned from Keeper. That way we’re always gonna feel at home in the house we were given to live in. Hmmpfh.

  When I opened my eyes I felt ready to start. I lined up everything by my crossed knees and started thinking about all the things I was grateful for. I remembered what Keeper said about this one day when we were walking in the bush. He pointed all around us in a big sweeping motion and nodding his head like he does.

  “Us we think funny lots,” he said. “Think we’re bein’ thankful for all the right things. Think we’re doin’ right by bein’ grateful for our home an’ health an’ family. It’s okay. It’s right to be that way about them things. But there’s more. Just gotta learn to use our eyes different and we see lots to be grateful for. Lots. Gotta look around, really try’n see this world around you. Do that you see lots you’re gonna be thankful for an accounta you’re gonna see lots that taught you something sometime. That’s what this gratefulness is all about. Not just for now. Grateful for all your life.”

  So I started thinking back as far as I could. Started sending my mind and my eyes back through my life, trying to see things I hadn’t looked at in years. Trying to find the gratitude for things happening the way they did. Sat there with a little mound of tobacco in my hand and thought about everything. Never ever thought there’d be a day when I’d see myself saying a prayer of thanks for living the kinda life I’d led but there I was that day wrapping tobacco in little pouches and tying them off with thread, saying thanks for the teachings. Thought about them schoolyards, the teasing, the fighting, the lost feelings. Thought about the streets and how grateful I was to have survived out there. Thought about the pen and how grateful I was to not have to be there anymore and for coming through that kinda whole too. Lonnie and Delma and faces of people I met that I gave up thinking about a long time ago came up in my mind and I tied up my gratitude for them and what they taught me in a little pouch that I was gonna offer back to the land that day. I sat there for a long, long time, thinking, crying sometimes and being grateful. When I lifted up my eyes finally the sun was telling me it was midafternoon. I had quite a long string of prayers already but there were more waiting to be born inside me. Gotta be strong to give birth I figured, so I broke for lunch and a walk.

  By the time I got back it had to be about four-thirty. I recall these days how quiet it all seemed around that old cabin that day. Kinda like ev’rything around me was joining in on the process.

  I sat back down in the shade of them trees and smudged and centered myself again. This time I didn’t have to travel so far back in things. I thought about coming home and all the people I’d met, things I’d learned, seen and done, and being grateful for all of that came real easy. Then I started looking around me at the trees, water and animals I knew were there but couldn’t see. Thought about the land itself, the air, the rocks, earth and sky. Everything went into little pouches and onto that length of thread that was getting longer than I ever expected it to be when I started out. Just about the time I was thinking about the cabin and the grandparents I never got to meet was when I ran out of tobacco. I said a good long prayer for them away and then gathered everything up to go look for a place to offer back my circle of prayers.

  Just then I heard that familiar cry of an eagle. When I looked up I saw one sitting at the top of a big jack pine across the bay. Must have been close to suppertime for him and he was scanning the open water for rising fish. When I moved to the edge of the water that bird just looked over at me standing there with my long circle of prayers. We watched each other for a minute or two and then he cried out again and flew off, crying that eagle song. I started walking around the bay to the tree where that bird had been sitting. Kinda like in my dream, I thought, except there was only one of them.

  When I got to the tree I sat down at its base and breathed in and out real deep and long for a few minutes. When I felt right I offered up a prayer of thanks for being able to come out here and do this thing and for the opportunity to see the place where I’d lived when I was a baby. I asked for a part of this place to always travel with me so I could remember that I always had a home and I wouldn’t have to leave anywhere again in search of it. I prayed for Keeper and my family and asked to be taken home to them safe and sound in the morning. Then I started to climb. I climbed up that tree until the branches started to get a little thin to hold me. I reached out to put that circle of prayers on a higher branch and I came face to face with a big eagle feather just sitting there nestled in the branches. After I made sure that prayer circle was secure I picked up that feather and held it in my teeth as I scampered down that tree. When I hit the ground I sat down again to have a look at it.

  It was beautiful. That eagle must have left it when it flew off. Right then and there it didn’t really matter where it came from. Eagle feathers are a real honor with us Indians and here I was being offered one by the bird itself. I held it in my hands and looked it over really good, feeling a feeling kinda like honor itself for the first time in my life. Honor and humility all rolled up in one big, shiny, swell-in-the-chest package.

  “Us we give feathers when someone’s done somethin’ needs honorin’,” Keeper said one time. “Someone shows courage, faith, humility, love, anythin’ like that. Any one of them spiritual qualities meant to help people, we give them a feather. It’s a big thing. Somethin’ you gotta earn. Earn by livin’ right and good.”

  I thought about that all the way back to the cabin. Thought about how even though I felt kinda afraid when I first got out here that I managed to stay anyway. And about how good I felt about following directions and doing this tobacco offering in a good way. Thought about how for the first time in my life I’d done something really important just for the opportunity to do it and learn. Thought about how it felt to be out here, to be a part of it.

  The northern lights were dancing like crazy as I lay there by my little fire. In the morning I would be heading home and right then and right there was when the word “home” began to mean more to me than just four walls and a door. Meant everything around me and in me. Something I could take with me wherever I went, like the eagle feather I clutched to my chest while I slipped away again into the land of dreams.

  Wanted to tell you why it’s so important that the boy go out there by himself. Me I knew that he was ready. Ready not like being able to live out there for four days but ready to face the feelin’s he was gonna have bein’ there at that cabin. Face them with humility an’ respect. Face them for growth. That’s the way we been teachin’ young people for long, long time. Stick with ’em and know when they’re ready for more learnin’ and ready for findin’ their own way too. It’s the same at twenty-six as it is at twelve. You gotta be ready. If you’re not ready you won’t learn. Simple as that. You gotta be willlin’ too.

  Anyway, it was his time. The tobacco offerin’s pretty much an individual thing. No one can tell you what you gotta be gratef
ul for on accounta no one really knows your history but you. How things touched you. So you go out there an’ pray your own prayers for your own lessons in life. It’s a good thing. Makes you walk back over your own territory. Go back down some trails maybe you forgot. Forgot on purpose even sometimes. Him he’d been learnin’ real good and it was time he took that walk back through his life. See, bein’ grateful’s hard when the hurtin’s fresh or when the scars have been on the wound a long time. But he worked hard that first year he was here an’ found stronger parts of himself. He wouldn’t fall apart inside by goin’ back there. Was gonna be able to see the teachin’s. See ’em and be grateful for ’em. It was his time.

  An’ that tobacco offerin’s the way we prepare people for learnin’ more. More about ceremony an’ ritual. You go alone out there, don’t matter how old or young you are, go alone out there when you’re not used to it an’ you’re gonna feel real humble real soon. Gonna find where the real power in this world is at. Gonna see you ain’t that much in the scheme of things. Us we needed that humble feelin’ workin’ in us all the time and out there’s where you find it. So we send people out there to find the humility an’ respect they’re gonna need to appreciate ceremony. Get that an’ ceremony’s gonna always mean more. Teach you more.

  Anyway, the boy needed to learn that on accounta he was gonna be led to more. Go in deeper. So headin’ out was good timin’ and an all-around good idea.

  See, that’s the way. It’s the teaching way we been usin’ for our young people forever. Start ’em off learnin’ respect and humility. Good base for learnin’ and workin’ as a member of the band. Old man told me he said, us we gotta learn that way, gotta learn that what we do touches everybody, every action, every move touches everybody. Then he told me about fire.

  Back in the real old days, long before people started markin’ human time, Anishanabe had firekeepers. The firekeeper’s duty was to keep embers from the campfires alive so they could start another one when they needed it if the people were movin’ around. Kept ’em in big moss bags. Moss was cool an’ damp so it wouldn’t burn but was just dry enough for the embers to keep smolderin’ all day long. Soon as they come to a campin’ place the firekeeper started cookin’ fires and warmin’ fires from those embers. Got them goin’ right away. Back then it was real big thing. Time went by and our people learned to capture the secret of fire. Learned how to start ’em from scratch in a lotta different ways, under all kinds of conditions. So the firekeepers kinda got lost in that learnin’. But the old ones just knew there was big teachin’s in that old firekeeper way. So they started lookin’ for a way to use it.

  Found it in the fire. They saw how the people loved sittin’ around them fires tellin’ stories and laughin’ together. Saw the young ones at the edges of them fires takin’ it all in too. Saw ’em tryin’ to be a part of it. So they started teachin’ them about fire. They told those young ones back then about them old firekeepers an’ how important their job was to the people at one time. Said firekeepin’ was a big tradition an’ real important. Told them how the old ones in camp needed them fires to keep their bones warm an’ how if there was no fire the people couldn’t eat that day. Told ’em how fire was as big as huntin’ in our way. Make a good fire you’re takin’ care of the people same as hunters are, they told them kids. Big thing, that fire.

  Well pretty soon, kids bein’ kids and all, they started lookin’ at that fire different. Started wantin’ to be the ones to start ’em. So the old ones started teachin’ ’em how to make good fires. Smokeless fires and big roarin’ winter fires. Pretty soon them kids were takin’ real big pride in their firemakin’ skills. Kinda pushin’ each other to learn it better. Found big honor in that simple thing. They learned how to make good fire because they learned to hunt. All through that they were learnin’ how every action touches everybody. Respect. Learnin’ that there’s big honor in takin’ care of people. Humility. Learnin’ that bein’ responsible starts with the simple things and leads up to the bigger ones. All the same rules but it starts with the simple.

  So they started teachin’ them all that by teachin’ ’em to make campfires. Kids would be runnin’ around gatherin’ wood as soon as it got to be that time of day again. Started learnin’ real young about workin’ together for the benefit of the people. Was a big lesson they were gonna need forever. An’ that’s how we been teachin’ our kids ever since. Same with the boy. Just a big kid him. Came here as innocent of our ways as them other kids. So I started him off the same way an’ this tobacco offerin’ was somethin’ he had to do in order to learn more. Simple lessons first.

  See, our way’s simple. Us we see power in everythin’ except ourselves. Them trees an’ rocks an’ things are all blessed with power comin’ in. Us we gotta look for it. So we go to the land an’ see where the real power is. Get humble an’ respectful in the middle of it all. Pray’n ask for help. It’s the start of findin’ your own power. Seein’ you got none but knowin’ where to go to connect up to it. Simple, eh? If you ain’t got no power you gotta connect up to the power source. Plug in. Hmmpfh. Don’t ask me where that came from. Me I can’t even plug in at home. Some of us Indyuns ain’t never gonna have no power on accounta the hydro lines don’t reach that far. Heh, heh, heh.

  That’s why me I say the land is a feelin’. You go out there and stand in the middle of it an’ you’re gonna feel it. You’re gonna feel it. That’s why all them city people are always headin’ to the country every chance they get. Somethin’ deep inside ’em’s hungry for that feelin’. Lost it lots of them and want it back. Us we got it all the time. Learn it early. Keep it inside us. Then no matter where we go we always got that feelin’ in us. City, town, don’t matter. We got that connected-up feelin’ workin’ inside us. That feelin’ of power that we looked for an’ found.

  They were waiting around on the dock trying to look casual when I started back across White Dog Lake. I made real good time coming back so it was about an hour before sundown but they were still hanging around trying not to look like they were scanning the lake every minute or so. Keeper’n Ma, my brothers and sister, Gilbert, Charlie and even old Doc Tacknyk were crowded onto that little dock. By the time I reached them they were all smiles.

  “Couldn’t tell if it was you or not,” my uncle Charlie was saying. “Kinda got skinny out there. Maybe we shoulda give you a couple of hand grenades.”

  “What the hell for?” I asked.

  “Easier huntin’,” he said, to wild laughter all around.

  “Doesn’t look all too malnourished to me,” Doc said, reaching down to ease the canoe against the dock. “Must have been the ten pounds of groceries he carried in with him!”

  “Yeah, amazin’ how long that frozen fish stays froze,” my uncle Charlie said, winking at me as he reached for my pack.

  “Didn’t have no frozen fish,” Ma said, kinda pouty-like. “My boy knows where to camp to have regular food all the time, that’s all. Where’d you set up anyway, my boy? Downtown Minaki?”

  Everyone laughed but I could tell they were all pretty relieved that I’d made it back on time and okay. Keeper was grinning away and letting the family pretty much have their greetings first and he winked at me too while Jane grabbed me up in another of her big wraparound hugs.

  “Prouda ya, bro’,” she said and wiped a little tear from her eye.

  “Yep. Bagga antlers. Lookin’ pretty jake,” Jackie said before hugging me too.

  I asked, “What’s jake?”

  “Jake’s the cool, hip, together, you know?” Stanley said, rubbing his hand through my hair. “Lookin’ jake’s the way you wanna look when you go out on the town. Except maybe right now you’d consider havin’ a bath before you hit town tonight!”

  “Hmmpfh,” Ma said, hugging me and giving me a real big kiss on the cheek. “Nuffa this talk. Boy could use hot tea, stew an’ bannock, an’ me I got some goin’ right now.”

  We laughed and walked into Ma’s where a big pot of stew was simmering
on the stove and a bannock the size of a seat cushion was waiting on the table. There wasn’t much talk for a while as we all filled up bowls and headed out to where Jackie had a fire going right away. As I looked around at those people I sure was glad to be home and real grateful to have been met by all of them.

  “Did ya find it?” Jackie asked, over the rim of his teacup.

  “Hey-yuh. Right where you said it would be.”

  “How was it? Standin’?”

  “Kaween. Down. Not much left anymore really. Just a big pile of rotted logs with trees and stuff growing up out of it.”

  “Figgers.”

  “Someday I wanna go there too me,” Ma said, looking out across the lake towards that first portage. “Someday maybe you take me there, my boy?”

  “Sure, Ma. I’ll be back there lots.”

  “How did it feel, Garnet, being away off by yourself for the first time?” Doc Tacknyk asked. “I know the first time I was out there alone I felt very intimidated.”

  “Yeah. Me too at first. That first night felt like I was a thousand miles away from anybody. After that though it was okay. Felt like home.”

  “Was your home,” Uncle Charlie said. “Long time ago when you were just crawlin’ around. Couldn’t even talk then. Just howled lots you.”

  “Hey-yuh,” said my uncle Joe through a big mouthful of stew and bannock. “Always gonna be Raven land there. Our footprints all over that area. Now yours are there too. It’s your home again now.”

  “Well, that’s how it felt, all right. Like I’d been there not all that long ago. In fact, I could almost swear that I knew where I was going all the time. Like I knew what and where everything was. Weird.”

  “Not weird,” Ma said. “Not weird. First thing you learned from your grampa an’ your father was that land.”

  I sat down on a log with Jane, who put her arm around me and her head against my chest. Stanley and Jackie came across and sat down there too looking at Ma, who was sitting on her favorite stump with a big mug of tea.