by Heidi Swain
‘You mean it was a lie?’
‘Yes,’ I said, ‘I suppose I do, whether that was something that someone had told you, or something you had fooled yourself into believing.’
I was thinking mostly of Mum’s diary, and my parents’ less-than-perfect marriage, but there were also thoughts of my first kiss with Joe and how that hadn’t turned out to be picture-perfect either.
‘Sort of,’ said Sophie, dunking a biscuit.
‘Sort of,’ I frowned, ‘either you have, or you haven’t.’
‘Let me explain.’
I waited while she gathered her thoughts.
‘I once put my complete faith in a man,’ she eventually said, ‘who then let me down.’
I wondered if she was talking about Hope’s father.
‘So, you do know then,’ I jumped in.
‘I haven’t finished yet,’ she tutted.
‘Sorry,’ I apologized, sitting further back.
‘As I said,’ she carried on, ‘he did let me down, but then I discovered why and I realized that what had happened wasn’t straightforward at all. It involved him having to make a very difficult decision and, even though I was hurt, I knew his choice was the right one because it caused the least amount of heartache for everyone involved.’
‘That’s very magnanimous of you.’
Sophie chuckled.
‘Perhaps,’ she said, ‘but it took me a long time to feel that way. We’re talking years, Tess, but time is a great healer. It passes and gives us perspective and of course, whether we resist it or not, life does move on from such things.’
I nodded.
‘So,’ she said softly, ‘are you going to tell me what it is in your life that you’ve realized isn’t what you thought it was?’
I shook my head.
‘Not today,’ I said, ‘but thank you for sharing your experience with me.’
‘I haven’t shared much,’ she said, ‘but the point is this: before you decide that you have discovered something isn’t true or real, and act on it, make sure you’re in full possession of all the facts and that you have them in the right order.’
Chapter 15
After our heart to heart, Sophie’s words – ‘make sure you’re in full possession of all the facts and that you have them in the right order’ – rang long and loud in my ears. I took out Mum’s diary again, scouring through the pages to check that I hadn’t missed anything. I certainly had ‘all the facts’ and, thanks to the dates typed at the top of the pages, knew they were definitely ‘in the right order’.
There was no mistaking their meaning and they were the final thing I needed to help me decide that I was going to quit my job with the family firm. Long before I had run to Wynmouth I had admitted to myself that I didn’t enjoy what I did anymore and now it was time to deal with Dad and put him back in the, horribly depleted, family pigeon hole. A part of me wanted to expel him from my life completely but, carrying so much guilt over one lost parent, I wasn’t about to deliberately sacrifice the other.
Major decision finally made, I refused to stress about it or let it dominate my thoughts any further. I would do my best to carry on with my holiday and throw myself into doing what I could to help out with the solstice party.
‘Tess,’ said Sam, when I turned up at the pub Tuesday morning, ‘good to see you.’
‘Good to see you too,’ I replied.
I looked at him for a long moment as he busied himself behind the bar but couldn’t find anything different about him. I don’t know what I had been expecting, but knowing now about the crash, I had thought there might be something. Some tell-tale sign perhaps, other than the obvious one, but there was nothing.
‘So,’ he asked, taking me completely by surprise, ‘how was your upmarket afternoon tea?’
I was all set to ask him about his appointment. I’d even rehearsed it back in the cottage, but now I found I was doing my best goldfish impression and no doubt looking like a right idiot.
‘I can’t compete with dainty light bites, I’m afraid,’ he carried on. ‘It’s a sausage baguette or nothing here at the Smuggler’s this morning.’
I hadn’t realized it was a competition.
‘Well, that’s just as well,’ I said, sitting on a stool at the bar, ‘because that’s exactly what I want. And anyway, how did you know about my tea?’
‘Wynmouth is a small village,’ he smiled as he poured me a coffee, ‘nothing stays secret around here.’
‘But I didn’t have tea in Wynmouth,’ I pointed out.
‘That makes no difference,’ he told me. ‘The manor isn’t that far away, is it? You have to remember that this is rural East Anglia, Tess. You aren’t invisible here like you are in a city.’
‘I see.’
‘George’s sister is friends with the grandmother of the lad who waited on your table,’ he elaborated.
‘Right,’ I said, my brain trying to unscramble the complicated trail.
I gave up in the end, it was far too early in the day.
‘So,’ Sam swallowed, finally getting around to what it was that he had no doubt wanted to ask in the first place. ‘Did he tell you?’
‘If it’s Joe that you’re referring to,’ I said, for some reason choosing not to make it easy for him, ‘he told me a lot of things.’
‘I’ll bet he did,’ said Sam, distractedly running a hand through his hair.
He might not have looked different when I walked in, but he did now and I felt guilty for being so awkward about answering.
‘He told me a little about the crash,’ I said quietly and Sam shook his head, ‘but he also told me that you used to be friends. Best friends when you were growing up.’
‘Before I killed his brother, you mean,’ he said bluntly. ‘Yes, we were.’
I winced at his words.
‘He didn’t put it like that . . .’ I began. ‘But he did say that you’d grown apart a bit. He told me that he was a bit of a tearaway, but that you—’
‘Let’s just leave it,’ Sam snapped, ‘shall we? I’ll get your breakfast.’
‘All right,’ I said, ‘whatever you want.’
I was grateful there were a fair few other customers who held his attention and that he was more like his old self when he eventually came back to me.
‘How was that?’ he asked, nodding at my now empty plate.
‘Delicious, as always,’ I said, wiping my mouth with a napkin to erase any lingering traces of brown sauce. ‘I never used to bother with breakfast,’ I admitted, ‘but now I can’t seem to manage without it.’
‘Well,’ he said, ‘it is rumoured to be the most important meal of the day.’
‘True,’ I nodded.
I let a beat pass before carrying on.
‘You know, I would have opened the pub while you were away,’ I told him. ‘I wouldn’t have been able to manage the food, but I could have served behind the bar. You only had to ask.’
‘Had I known where you were, I might have done.’
Damn.
‘Oh look,’ I said, my voice louder than I intended it to be. ‘Here’s Hope. I hope she’s coming in because I need to speak to you both.’
Fortunately, she did come in and though it pained me (even though it shouldn’t) to see her and Sam hug, I was pleased of her presence. It was just beginning to dawn on me that, given Joe and Sam’s dreadful history, it wasn’t going to be easy juggling the two friendships, but I didn’t want to give up either of them.
Sam might have been on the scene first, but Joe needed a pal right now, someone who understood the trials of working with family and who hadn’t been around during the fallout after the crash and that person was me, so Sam would just have to get used to it. Besides, he had Hope on his team, so I knew he’d be fine.
‘Morning, Tess,’ she beamed, once Sam had released her.
Her smile lit the place up, just like her mum’s did.
‘Oh, sorry,’ she apologized as a massive yawn caught her out and sh
e arched and stretched her back, ‘I’m just so tired this morning. It’s not a good way to be starting the week, is it?’
I refused to think about what she had done, or who she had done, during her weekend away which had caused her fatigue.
‘A walk in the sea air will soon sort you out,’ said Sam. ‘Why don’t you go down to the beach? It’s going to be a beautiful day. I’m sure Tess wouldn’t mind burning off the calories she’s just wolfed down, would you?’ He smiled at me.
I felt a little peeved that Hope’s presence had restored his good humour so quickly when it had refused to show up for me.
‘That’s a great idea,’ agreed Hope as she helped herself to coffee. ‘Let’s go for a wander before the tide comes in, shall we, Tess?’
‘In a minute,’ I said, ‘I want to talk to you both first.’
‘Oh yes,’ said Sam, still smiling, ‘sorry. I forgot you’d said that.’
Once he’d known Hope was in the vicinity, I don’t think he’d listened to a word I’d said.
‘Is it about the party?’ she asked.
‘Yes,’ I said, trying to not to feel offended by her other half ’s limited attention span. ‘I was talking with Sophie yesterday and promised to get the posters and flyers sorted.’
‘In that case,’ said Hope, ‘we’d better get our heads properly together and finalize the details, hadn’t we?’
‘That’s what I was hoping,’ I told her. ‘It would be good to confirm things so I can add them to the posters. I’ve already got a list from your mum, and I’ve had an idea about something else we can do.’
‘Go on,’ said Sam, leaning over the bar.
Now I finally had his full attention I found I didn’t want it. I avoided his hypnotic gaze and focused on Hope.
‘Well,’ I said, thinking about my walks and how some of them had changed my perception of Wynmouth a little, ‘the beach is beautiful, but there’s always rubbish that washes up with the tide and there’s some rope and an old metal drum wedged next to one of the groynes, which seems to be a permanent fixture, so I was wondering if we could have a beach clean ahead of the party.’
It had been on the tip of my tongue to say that the beach used to be pristine, but fortunately I bit the comment back.
‘We have talked about this before,’ Hope said enthusiastically, ‘but nothing’s ever come of it. This could be the perfect opportunity to launch something regular, a monthly meet perhaps. There are specific organizations which can help with it, aren’t there?’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I had a quick look on your mum’s laptop because there are certain things we would have to consider, such as public liability insurance and safeguarding issues.’
‘It’s not just rocking up with a bucket and picking stuff up then,’ Sam frowned.
‘No,’ I said, ‘not if you want to do it properly and certainly not if you want to make it a regular event in the Wynmouth calendar. Ideally, you’ll need someone prepared to commit to co-ordinating and running it.’
‘I’d be up for doing that,’ Hope said keenly. ‘I’ll make a start on it today.’
‘Are you sure?’ asked Sam. ‘It sounds like a lot of work, and what with your own venture to set up, it’s important to stay focused, Hope.’
‘But this is important too,’ she said, sounding like she really meant business and quite a lot like her mum. ‘The beach is Wynmouth’s biggest attraction, and if it’s contaminated and covered in debris, it won’t be pulling the visitors in for much longer, will it? We need to do something positive to protect it.’
‘That’s true,’ I agreed. ‘Lots of locals, including you, Sam, have told me they love the village because it isn’t like the other resorts. It isn’t fit to burst with amusement arcades and rowdy entertainment.’ A sudden vision of the Elton and Kiki duet Joe and I had treated the karaoke crowd to popped into my head. ‘So, as Hope says,’ I carried on, ‘it’s vital that you protect what Wynmouth is famous for; the beautiful beach and those rockpools. They’re your bread and butter and they need looking after.’
In that moment I decided that as soon as I had finalized the poster design I was going to head off and explore the pools. I had been waiting for the perfect time and this was it. I had made a major life choice that morning and the pools could be my reward for finally getting on with things. I only hoped I wouldn’t find anything to tarnish my memories there. It would be too much to bear if they were polluted too and I didn’t just mean metaphorically.
‘All right,’ said Sam, holding up his hands, ‘I was only worried about Hope increasing her workload, there’s no need to come over all eco-warrior on me.’
‘I didn’t,’ I pouted, but then we began to laugh. ‘Well, I suppose I did a bit, but it is important.’
Hope had already got the details of one of the charities up on her phone and I knew the venture was in the best hands to make it a success.
‘So,’ Sam asked, ‘what else?’
With Sam having to juggle customers, it was late morning by the time we had worked our way through everything. I knew there would be more additions to make, but at least we could now start officially spreading the news and making the party the best Wynmouth beach had ever seen.
‘I still fancy that walk along the beach,’ said Hope, giving me a nudge. ‘Are you up for it?’
‘All right, but I can’t be too long. I’m hoping to get this poster finished today and then copied at the post office tomorrow.’
‘You can print the first one out here if you like,’ Sam offered.
‘That would save me having to go back to the café with Sophie’s laptop.’
It was kind of her to let me keep using it and I was proud that I had still resisted the urge to check my emails and log into my social media accounts. The life I was living in Wynmouth might not have been the completely idyllic one I had imagined when I booked the cottage, but the real world, the trappings of technology and having to do everything at breakneck speed, felt like a million miles away and I was very happy about that.
‘I’ll come back later tonight then,’ I said, hopping down from the stool. ‘That way we can check the details together and make sure we’re all happy with it.’
Hope waited outside while I dropped my notebook and lists back at the cottage and then we ambled down to the sand and turned towards the beach huts.
‘How did things go at the weekend?’ I asked her. ‘Sam looks as tired as you’re feeling this morning.’
I hoped she realized I was asking about the appointment and not the more intimate details of their time away. Thankfully, she did.
‘It went well enough,’ she sighed, ‘but he was in quite a lot of pain after the travelling. This new leg is going to make all the difference to him.’
‘In what way?’
‘It’s going to be a better fit, for a start,’ she said, ‘and that will mean he can come and walk on the beach without worrying about how far he can get before he has to turn back.’
I hadn’t thought about that before, but now I realized I’d never seen Sam all that far from the pub.
‘So why is this current one so uncomfortable?’ I frowned. ‘Surely, they have to be carefully measured up, otherwise they wouldn’t fit at all?’
‘It was fine to begin with,’ Hope confided, ‘but now it’s worn out and so he’s invested in a hi-tech new model through a private company. He took some persuading though, believe me, and it’s costing a fortune.’
‘Yes,’ I said, ‘he did mention the cost before. I got the impression that he was worried about diverting funds from the pub.’
‘He never puts himself first,’ Hope tutted.
‘But why?’ I asked. ‘We all need to look after ourselves and when we’re talking about something as vital as a limb . . .’
‘Why do you think?’ Hope cut in.
‘Oh,’ I said, the penny dropping, ‘I see. It’s survivor guilt, isn’t it?’
‘Exactly,’ she confirmed. ‘As far as he’s concerned, he
deserves to suffer.’
‘But that’s . . .’
‘Ridiculous,’ she said. ‘I know, but getting him to accept that it’s ridiculous is impossible. I’ve been trying for years.’
I knew Sam would never forgive himself for what had happened, but he needed to move his life forward. Joe and I might not have discussed the situation at length but I could tell that he was in a very different place to his old friend and that was probably because he had moved away and carved out a life that didn’t involve constant reminders of the past. Mental scars were tormenting enough, but Sam had physical ones too.
‘I had hoped this new leg and being pain free might alter his mindset a bit,’ Hope sighed, ‘but there’s no chance of that now.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because Joe’s back, of course,’ she said, sounding resigned. ‘And if local gossip is to be believed, then he could be here for a while, for good even, and Sam’s spirit has dropped through the floor as a result.’
‘And I don’t suppose I’ve helped, have I?’ I swallowed. ‘I daresay because I’ve been out with Joe a couple of times, Sam thinks I’ve picked a side.’
‘No,’ Hope said quickly. ‘I’m sure he doesn’t think that.’
I wasn’t sure I believed her, but then perhaps Sam didn’t think enough of me to care. After all, at the end of the day, I was just a holidaymaker renting his cottage, hardly lifelong buddy material. I wouldn’t have been surprised if I had read too much into our friendship. I mean, I’d been wrong about the spark of attraction, hadn’t I?
‘And anyway,’ Hope shrugged, ‘it’s no one else’s business who you go out with, is it?’
‘I suppose not.’
‘Did you know Joe and I used to go out?’ she then said, sounding almost shy. ‘Did he tell you that?’
‘No,’ I said, ‘no, he didn’t.’
That said, thinking back to the night in the pub and how the colour had drained from his face when he spotted her behind the bar, I should have guessed.