by D. S. Murphy
“It’s like a lightsaber,” I said, waving it carefully with my good arm. It felt unwieldy and off-balance. I was just starting to get used to the feel of my little sword.
“You don’t have to use it,” Sitri said, noting my expression. “But it’ll give you longer reach, especially if you learn how to throw it.”
“I doubt I could throw it ten feet,” I said, “and even if I could, I’d never hit anything. Maybe you should give it to Puriel.”
“I thought about that,” Sitri said, running his hand through his hair. “But locking him up and then handing him a divine weapon sends mixed signals, don’t you think?”
“A divine weapon?” I asked.
“Something used by the gods, fueled with their power. Also usually their weapon of choice. I thought about giving it to Mist, but she has her bow. Tori would love it, but she has enough toys. Dion is pretty good with a staff, he could teach you if you want to learn it how to use it. I actually brought it back for Able, but you should decide who it goes to, or whether you want to keep it.”
“Thanks,” I said. I tried to smile, but it didn’t reach my eyes. This gift felt all wrong. It was just another reminder of what Able and Sitri hoped I would become. A warrior. But I hated conflict of any kind; Jessie had always been the fighter at JDRI. Then I had Sitri and Puriel to watch out for me. I didn’t want to be a burden or let others risk their lives for me. But the idea of using this dangerous-looking magic spear to hack through hunters made me nauseous.
“What is it?” Sitri asked.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” I said. “I’m too small, too weak. You need someone who can actually use this thing without cutting her own arms off.”
“You’re not weak,” Sitri said gruffly. “You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever met, and the bravest. Zeus is right to fear you, with or without the shears. You’ve accomplished something that nobody else thought possible.”
“You mean killing Athena. But I didn’t do that.”
“Puriel was there because of you. And this is about more than killing Athena. Torches have always been treated as second-class citizens, and leeches far worse than that. Worthless, empty monsters. A cancer, a perversion of everything good. But now, the rules are being rewritten. It may not seem like it right now, but this is a huge victory. Even if you don’t use the spear, it’s a symbol of what you’re capable of, and what you might become. Like Able said, it’s long overdue for us to have any hope. Seeing you, with Athena’s spear, will remind people that nothing is impossible.”
The excitement in his voice and the fire in his eyes stirred up feelings in me that hummed through my body. I didn’t like being used as a symbol, and the thought of leading troops into battle felt ridiculous. But if they wanted me to carry it around sometimes, that much I could handle. Right now, I was much more focused on how close Sitri’s body was to mine, and the way his bottom lip was pouting out just a little more than usual, and how absolutely alone we were—for the first time since our kiss outside the cave.
We’d both been a little out of our minds that night. I couldn’t forget his eagerness, and how he’d pressed against me. My skin flushed at the memory of his fingers buried in my hair, his lips burning a path down my neck and collarbone.
The champagne made me bold. I wrapped my arms around his neck and brought him closer to me. I could feel his heart race as our bodies brushed together, but then he very gently pulled my arms away and took a step back, looking down the hall.
My heart felt like someone had taken it out and stepped on it. After all his talk about how strong I was, I was ashamed of how badly his rejection stung. If he didn’t want me, why had he held my hand on the plane?
“I’m sorry,” he said. “There’s just a lot going on right now.”
“More important things,” I said, crossing my arms. He nodded, stepping into the trap I’d set.
“So that’s how it’s going to be again?” I asked. “Able first. His war, his commands… we fit in on the edges. No, I get it,” I said, when Sitri frowned.
“I do, really. I just wish it didn’t have to be that way. I’ve finally found something good in my life, and I want to hold on to it. I’m afraid if I don’t, it’ll disappear.”
I felt like I’d bared my soul to him, and I waited anxiously for his response. His eyes softened, and he held a hand against my cheek. I leaned into it, savoring the feeling of his warm skin on mine. The simple pleasure of being touched—one that I’d avoided for the last decade.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he said, his voice charged with emotion. I stepped closer to him, feeling his firm chest against my body, tilting my lips up to his, willing him to kiss me again. He smelled like pine trees and promise.
We stood there for what felt like an eternity, not quite touching, like two planets sharing an orbit. He moved closer and kissed me once on the forehead, and once on the cheek, letting his lips graze past my ear. My whole body was on fire. I could see the desire in his eyes, but also the hesitation. There was something else he wasn’t telling me.
Maybe Able wasn’t the one he was afraid would see us. I thought again about how close he and Alice had seemed when I first got to Nevah. Was there something between them? Was he trying to be discreet so he wouldn’t hurt her feelings? I knew I was reaching, but there had to be a reason he kept pulling away. And I wasn’t ready to admit that it was because he didn’t like me enough. It hurt too much to consider.
Sitri said he had more business to deal with and that he’d check on me later. I paced around in my room for a few minutes, but I was restless. There’s no way I was going to sleep anytime soon.
That’s when I remembered Puriel. I felt guilty for not thinking of him sooner. It was already late when I stepped out of my room. I paused outside Sarah’s door but it was silent. Maybe she’d fallen asleep. I wondered if she’d curled up in Jessie’s bed the way she used to at JDRI. She’d never had her own room before. I wasn’t sure if it would calm her, but I hoped she’d feel safe here.
I almost didn’t recognize Puriel’s cell. The small room had been transformed into a sanctuary. Flowers and piles of trinkets blocked out the cold cement floor and walls. It smelled like jasmine and incense, and stacks of gold coins glittered in the darkness. Puriel was laying back on a soft mattress, against a mountain of satin pillows. I thought he was sleeping until he spoke.
“The torches left those,” he said, nodding at the coins. “They like shiny things. They collect and trade them, as a token of honor.”
“They respect you,” I said, biting my lip. It was frustrating to be speaking through the iron bars. So close, but separated. I spotted a tray of food and several bottles of wine. It looked like Sitri had made good on his promise. I wondered what they talked about. It was strange, picturing the two of them alone. Not friends, exactly, but no longer enemies.
“He’s brave,” Puriel said suddenly, breaking me from my thoughts. “And loyal. I understand why you’d choose him.”
I blushed. How did Puriel always know what I was thinking about?
“It wasn’t a competition,” I said.
“Wasn’t it?” Puriel gave me a sad smile that tugged at my heart. He’d sacrificed himself for me, twice—though the first time was unintentional. When Puriel looked at me, his gaze cut straight to my core. And rather than seeing the monster, the darkness, he accepted me for who I was. Sitri sent mixed signals, and I hated how he was either hot or cold, but I felt drawn to him in a way I couldn’t explain. I was a ship in a storm, and he was my lighthouse.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “If I hurt you. People around me get hurt. The people I care about most.”
“In Zeus’s army, I felt I had purpose,” Puriel said. “Certainty. I was a reflection, an appendage. I went where commanded. But I didn’t really exist… until I met you. I didn’t know longing until after I’d fallen. There was so much I was missing out on. Thank you for showing it to me.”
I nodded, but wasn’t sure how to respon
d. I felt bad for Puriel, but at least things were in the open. He liked me, and I liked Sitri. As I said goodnight and left him behind, a small part of me hoped I wasn’t making a huge mistake.
At least he was safe, for now. I hated seeing him locked up, but I realized my comfortable room was every bit as much a prison as Puriel’s cell. Able still called the shots. We were guests in his house. I understood how Madeline and Taylor felt; even though Able’s house was palacial and we lived like royalty at Nevah, I also never felt like I could relax and be myself. There was the constant pressure of Able’s presence, and a recurring whisper that seemed to hum from the walls. What does he want from me?
But it was worth it to keep my friends safe. Maybe this is why Able acquiesced to my guest list so quickly. He knew that with my friends here, I’d be less likely to run away again. And by letting Puriel in, he had a way to goad me into action. Zeus would supply Puriel with just enough magic to feed his hunger, and keep him in control of himself, like an addict. But it wasn’t out of the kindness of his heart. On the one hand, he’d just added a new weapon to his arsenal against Zeus. On the other hand, it was a way to keep me in line.
But he didn’t need to. Not anymore. I’d only been gone a few days, and yet everything had changed. I was so much stronger now than I had been when I left. This time, I was here by choice. This time, I was commited. Zeus had nearly taken everything from me, and he was still out there. He’d been friendly with me, because he wanted me on his side. To be his mistress. But as soon as he figured out that was never going to happen, he’d get bored and try to kill me again. The only way for us to escape Able’s ‘protection’ was to remove the danger. I didn’t know how we could defeat Zeus without the scissors, but maybe if we trained hard enough, or learned to control my powers. There must be a way.
I was already in bed when I heard a rap on my door through our connecting bedrooms. The door opened and Sitri poked his head in.
“Are you decent?” he asked.
“Sometimes,” I said, relishing the smirk that appeared on his lips. He came in and sat on my bed. The distance between us felt like a chasm, a tear in the fabric of space.
“Sorry about earlier,” he said.
“It’s fine,” I said. “I just don’t like sneaking around, keeping it a secret. We shouldn’t have to hide.” Unless you’re ashamed of me.
“It’s not just that,” he said. I waited for him to fill me in, but he didn’t. He was staring at the walls, avoiding my eyes. The tension between us was unbearable. I was tired of not knowing what was going on with him. Then I remembered what he’d said on the island. We couldn’t take it too far, because they were afraid I’d lose my powers. And then I’d be no use to them.
“I have to stay pure, right? So Able can use me to defeat Zeus?”
“I don’t see how you’re still resistant to that,” he said, frowning. He still didn’t understand.
“Is it so hard to believe I don’t want to kill people? More than that, to kill a god?”
“You’d be responsible for saving so many, for saving all magic. Everyone here at Nevah, they look up to you now. They’re counting on you to finish what you started.”
“Great, thanks. No pressure or anything.”
“You don’t have to make any decisions now. All I’m saying is, what if Zeus or his hunters came in tonight, and took Sarah or Jessie. Would you rather have your gifts, and be able to at least try and save them? There’s nothing worse than standing by helplessly, as someone destroys everything you love.”
His eyes hardened and I knew he was speaking from experience. I’d seen that look before, on Mist. On Tori. The look of pure, raw hatred, for whatever Zeus had done to them. I wondered if I’d wear it someday.
“I just don’t want to be manipulated,” I said. “I want my choices to be my own. Sometimes I don’t even know if you like me, or if you’re just getting close to me because Able told you to.”
His eyes widened and I saw his muscles tense. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. For a moment I thought he was going to put his fist through the wall.
“Able’s never said anything about our relationship,” he said finally, “because he’d assume I knew better than to get involved with you that way. If he finds out, I’m certain he’d tell me explicitly to stay away. I’m supposed to watch out for you, protect you. Not… Get distracted.” His eyes roamed my body hungrily, and I realized I was only wearing a thin nightgown.
“I distract you?” I asked, holding his gaze.
He licked his lips and nodded. Daringly, I reached forward and put my hand on his thigh.
“You want me?”
Sitri groaned, wrestling with his self.
“I want you,” he confirmed. “But I can’t. Not yet. There’s still more you don’t know. So much more.”
“So tell me,” I said, biting my lip.
“It’s about who I was before. The things I’ve done… things I’m not proud of.”
“That doesn’t matter anymore,” I said.
A flicker of pain flashed through his eyes and he pulled away.
“They will always matter,” he said. “They’re part of who I am, no matter how much I regret them. But if I told you the truth, you wouldn’t look at me the same way.”
I was about to keep arguing with him when he leaned forward and kissed me, mid-sentence. He put one hand on the base of my spine and pulled me closer to him. I gasped for air when he finally let me go.
“No more talk tonight,” he said. “I just wanted to make sure we were okay. You okay?”
I was still breathless from the kiss, and I couldn’t think straight, so I nodded. He left me with a smug smile and waved goodnight. I sank back in my pillows. My heart was still racing, but I was more relaxed than I had been earlier. It might be trivial, but knowing Sitri was nearby, that he wanted me, for real and not just for what I could do, it made me feel more comfortable at Nevah. Maybe I’d never be a warrior. Maybe Able would figure out another way to kill Zeus, and Sitri and I could be together. The future might be uncertain, Zeus could attack at any time, but at least I was able to fall asleep dreaming a future where I didn’t end up all alone, scorned by humanity, as Sarah and Jessie found boyfriends and husbands and I just kept getting older. It was enough, for now. My eyelids grew heavy, and before long I was dreaming.
I was with my brother, in my old room at my parent’s house. Charlie was playing with a wooden train set on the floor, and I was reading to him from a book. My mom was downstairs on the sewing machine. I could hear its steady rhythm as mom mended some of Charlie’s pants. Then the humming stopped and I heard Mom yell upstairs to Dad.
“Honey, have you seen the scissors?” she asked.
I’d taken them out earlier to cut up construction paper for a school project. I tried to remember where I’d put them, but I couldn’t think. I looked around the room for them, then checked my desk and backpack. And that’s when I noticed a golden glow coming from under the floorboards, lighting up Charlie’s toys and the train set, casting strange shadows against the walls.
16
I burst into Sitri’s room and shook him awake.
“Kai, I told you—”
“I know where the shears are,” I said.
He sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.
“Seriously? Couldn’t it wait till the morning?”
“I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say.”
“We just got back. If we’re going on another trip we need to prepare, get packed.”
“They’re in my parents’ house. I mean my childhood home, where I grew up. It’s less than an hour from here. If we leave now, we could be back in the morning before any one even knows we’re gone.”
Sitri frowned and threw the blanket away. I averted my eyes, even though he was wearing boxers. He pulled on a pair of jeans and a black T-shirt.
“So you’re coming?” I asked.
“I’m still thinking. We should tell Able at least. Get so
me backup. And we should bring Mist with us, or Dion or Tori. Or all three. We barely survived our last encounter.”
“We took out dozens of leeches and hunters,” I said. “Athena is dead, and Zeus doesn’t know where the shears are yet. Shouldn’t we just go quickly and quietly? You said the gods are easier to track, because they have so much energy. If we go with a big group, it’s more likely Zeus will catch on.”
“It’s still risky, with just the two of us.”
“So we bring Puriel. You know he doesn’t deserve to be locked up like that.”
Sitri looked unconvinced, but he followed me as I made my way downstairs. A light was coming from Puriel’s cell. Someone had brought him a lamp and a stack of books. He was reading something called the Consolations of Philosophy.
“Jailbreak?” Puriel asked when he saw us.
“Something like that,” Sitri said, unlocking the door. “We’re taking a field trip.”
“My parents’ old house,” I said. “I think that’s where the shears are.”
“How do you know this? Why now?” Puriel said, his eyes widening.
I had a dream.
“I remembered something. From when I was young.”
“And you think they’re still there?”
“We’ll never know if we don’t go check. Why, you got something better to do?”
“Well, this book is—”
“Put it down, nerd,” Sitri said. “The book isn’t going anywhere. If Kai is right and we get the shears, Zeus might think twice about attacking Nevah. So let’s go get them.”
Puriel shrugged, stood up and stetched his arms. His sword had been mounted on the wall across from the cell, almost like a display. He took it down and give it a quick twirl.
“I suppose I’ll be needing this?” he asked.
“Let’s hope not,” Sitri said, though I’d seen him tuck a pair of handguns into holsters beneath his jacket. We cut through the house to the garage. Sitri pressed a button on his keychain and one of the cars flashed its lights.